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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect parents to controll their children or at least apologise when they bully another child they dont know in asda?

102 replies

jennybensmummy · 29/12/2008 08:20

When we were in asda yesterday i got my first experience of children bullying ben for being different - he is autistic, 3yrs old and has veyr few words, a little boy who was about 5 walked past ben and ben said hello whilst also signing it. the little boy just glared, so ben wanting to talk to him said his ultimate phrase of "bin lorry day" - ben says this to everyone and its him trying to make a conversation about his favourite thing but he never says anything else (not that this time he was given the chance anyway) the little boy just looked at ben with discust and told him "shut up you little freak" it nearly brought me to tears and totally hurt. i just said to the little boy "that wasnt very nice now was it" (whilst actually wanting to scream at the child f* off!!) and gave ben a hug, his family seemed none the wiser except an older sister (aged about 7 or 8) who just laughed and walked off with him. You see this is why i want a school which is very up on bullying and tries their best to see all children as not entitled to treatment like this, imagine if that happened at school!! and i am sure it will!! i know it was bizarre that ben said bin lorry day but didnt warrant that little outburst i just wanted to take ben home and cuddle him all day to make it better, even though i dont think he had the slightest understanding what the boy was saying!
so am i being unreasonable to expect parents in asda to not tolerate their child doing this (im pretty sure they heard and they certainly heard me saying that it wasnt nice!) and at least if their child does to apologise to me and ben for it not just walk off smirking! its really hurt as that was yesterday and its still going round and round in my head

OP posts:
unfitmother · 01/01/2009 14:47

My point exactly, poor child, being so poorly parented that he is not given any boundaries or explanations of what is, and isn't acceptable. God knows what he'll be doing in 10 years time.

2shoes · 01/01/2009 17:10

sadly there are a lot of them out there.
take the lovely girl up the road, she has been giving our family greif for 2 years now. she is 11 now and as I said to the police and HA imagine what she will be like in a few years.
I think the same of the boy here. he will be a horror.

Original poster
jennybensmummy · 01/01/2009 22:04

well i really dont understand why some people are criticising me and saying that i am oversensitive, my child was spoke to in what i feel t be a very nasty manner, whether people agree this is bullying or not i believe it cant be excused by me being oversensitive. any parent who condones a child being spoke to like this is as bad as the parents who clearly condone a child using language like this in my book, sorry but thats how i feel. my son is autistic and has very low understanding and just has a few bits of language coming through but he knows that he wont get anything without signing please and he knows it will be taken away if he doesnt sign thankyou so if i can teach my autistic child that (wasnt easy but i have battled and done it) then why is it ok for an older child to call him naes like that, i cant believe its being turned that i am wrong for not accepting this. if this is what parents teach their children its no wonder there are some horrid kids out there

OP posts:
Lotster · 01/01/2009 23:03

Hey Jenny,

really sorry you had such an upsetting experience. When I was growing up with my autistic cousin (who also used to do a lot of head banging which obviously attracts a lot of attention and is so hard for you) he used to get stared at all the time, although thankfully not too many comments - but they would have gone over his head ayway. I think it was sometimes so much harder on my aunt and uncle than for him. You have a hard job and must feel constantly ready to defend and protect him.

Out of 15 nieces and nephews on both sides of our families, three godchildren and any of my friends kids, I can't imagine a single 5 year old I know saying such a horrid thing. Therefore I'm assuming he hears this kind of stuff at home and you'd probably not have got an apology anyway, (unless as someone else said earlier it was a product of his own SN, but doesn't sound like it) so I'm glad the parents didn't hear, as any further confrontation might have been even more upsetting for you. The saying goes, kids can be cruel and it's sad but so true.

You may already be familiar with the NAS but they have a section on their site with a guide for parents of autistic children on dealing with bullying:here

Whether this is or isn't what happened here, it's obviously a concern for you so thought it might help. I'd be tempted to carry little info sheets for ignoramuses who think you child might scare butterflies in to extinction (what a loon! ).

sarah293 · 02/01/2009 09:20

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Message withdrawn

2shoes · 02/01/2009 22:28

I know what you mean Riven, If you dare to say anthing the parents say oh my little darling wouldn't say that!!!

juuule · 02/01/2009 22:47

Jenny, I don't think that anyone has said that they condone what the boy said. I don't think that anyone has said that you should just accept it. You told him off, you pointed out to him that what he had said was not a nice thing to say. Absolutely correct in that.

From what I've seen of some posts is that you should try not to get into such a tizz over a 5yo making a rude remark. As someone else said it's unlikely that it was because your ds is autistic and more because he commented to the 5yo. It could have happened to anybody's 3yo.

The boy was out of order. You told him so. Hopefully he'll take note and if not, more parents should tell him. His own parents should tell him but if you give them the benefit of the doubt then maybe they didn't notice. You don't really know what they might have going on in their own lives. If they really are hopeless parents then yes the boy needs your pity rather than your anger but he still needs to be told that what he said isn't nice - and you did that.

He went off. He didn't backchat you. He accepted the reprimand and the smile could have been to save face. Who knows.

Don't let it get to you. Bring your child up well and find support so that you can equip him to be able to deal with whatever comes his way. Seething and brooding on this is self-destructive (but undersstandable).

believer07 · 02/01/2009 22:56

What a sad thing, we must remeber tha children are the products of their parents, if insenstive behaviour is the rule of the day in thier home, then that is what you are going to find with the children.

I have only read the OP - but why don't you consider home-schooling/.

2shoes · 02/01/2009 23:13

makes me lol how people say equip your child and help them deal with it!!!
do you not get it the op's son has autism

my dd has cp. I can not equip her to deal with the crap...because she does not do nasty. she trusts people. Thank goodness she has a 16 year old brother who rides shotgun.

FairLadyRantALot · 02/01/2009 23:20

hm....op...I can understand why you feel how you feel....and it was right to say something to that child....but.....if your ds doesn't really take any notice and isn't upset, maybe try to keep cool about it, for his sake.....iykwim....not sure how ffectred your son is, but no good if he picks up on your upset....iykwim...
however, your reaction is normal....we all want to "protect" our children....tis normal!

My ms and ys like to try out all those forbidden words my es says...sadly freak is one of them....they don't use it in any proper context, more willynilly like....they do get told off, etc.....but that seems to encourage them more at times....sigh....

2shoes · 02/01/2009 23:26

...

daisy5678 · 02/01/2009 23:47

Beliver07 - sure you're trying to be helpful, but why should she home-school him? I keep hearing this about my son and his difficulties in fitting into mainstream school - oh, well home-school him. Why should the children who are different be taken out of mainstream society rather than mainstream society adapting to embrace (poncy word, but you know what I mean) people's differences?

If we lock up all SN children and keep them away from NT kids, bullying like this will only be worse because there'll be less exposure to each other's differences.

Sorry, but I really don't like this idea that if society has a problem with SN kids that we should then remove the SN kids. Why don't we work instead on making mainstream society more tolerant to SN?

FairLadyRantALot · 02/01/2009 23:53

2shoes....is that to me?

2shoes · 02/01/2009 23:54

yes.

FairLadyRantALot · 02/01/2009 23:57

which part....sorry....few glasses of wine, reread, and not sure which is the offending part....

2shoes · 02/01/2009 23:59

well allowing for my few glasses of whisky

"My ms and ys like to try out all those forbidden words my es says...sadly freak is one of them....they don't use it in any proper context, more willynilly like....they do get told off, etc.....but that seems to encourage them more at times....sigh...."

I am sure the shit up the road who's shit of a daughter cause a feud by calling dd a spaz, said the same thing.

Kimi · 03/01/2009 00:05

Oh sweetheart, there are some evil people out there and some of them are children, however much we all want to think kids are all nice and lovely some of them are not.

I have a 12 year old with tourettes and a 148 IQ, he deals well with the fuckwits in life but that does not stop me wanting to stamp on the heads weather they are 6 or 60.

DS1 stole this saying from hairspray,,,, I have to deal with a whole lot of ugly coming from a long line of stupid....

Sadly anyone who is or has a child who is a tad differant has to deal with this.

I guess because of DS1 I, his dad, his little brother and all those around him are just that little bit more with it when it comes to those who don't fit the mould socity thinks thay should.

Give ben a hug, and although he may not know it you do...he is worth 10 of that stupid child who mocked him.
One day My DS1 might find the cure for cancer, so might Ben, if that child carries on as he is the best he can amount to is asking "do you want frys with that".

FairLadyRantALot · 03/01/2009 00:07

oh right, sorry, let me clarify my statement (and probably dig myself deeper in here)...
they use the word, as a word, completely out of context, not anything to do wiht actions or whatever else. ES uses it in a admiring positive, daring to be different way.....so, if ys and ms start to get that, that is possibly what they will think it is...a positive term....

If any of my Kids would use a term that was negative and degoratory we come down on them like a ton of bricks....aswell, as explaining, if we know,what is really up and explaining why calling names just wouldn't do and why it is NOT acceptale....not sure...I have dug myself a deeper hole, haven't I?
sigh....I am rubbish at explaining.....have you watched that movie "The Family Stone"....I am as able to dig myself as deep as the character Sarah Jessica Parker is in that movie....sigh (dh likened me to her }

2shoes · 03/01/2009 00:09

no cos you cared enough to explain

Kimi · 03/01/2009 00:12

/ waves at 2shoes and wishes her and her family a happy 2009

FairLadyRantALot · 03/01/2009 00:19

honest, nastyness is not accepted....I was just trying to say that Kids, especially the younger may say some shocking and out of context and also completely confused from the original meaning, thanks to older siblings re-invening the language.

cat64 · 03/01/2009 10:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

TotalChaos · 03/01/2009 10:13

tone of voice and context are relevant too - as in an imbalance in "power" between the parties - one feisty five year old saying to another "hey freak! stop playing with the doll and come out!"is hugely different to a communication impaired child getting an attempt at initiation very wrong and being spoken to so harshly.

One poster said = that didn't happen because your kid has ASD - but NT 3 year olds don't say "bin lorry day" when "hello/hiya" is more appropriate.

FairLadyRantALot · 03/01/2009 12:42

phew...I am so glad I actually was able to explain it...

believer07 · 04/01/2009 13:50

I was trying to be helpful. As a person I don't feel that it is needed for my child to correct the ills of society, I took my child out because societies remedies for my child where not working.

All the best.