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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

ITs the old, Children at weddings chestnut that i always used to roll my eyeballs at

79 replies

LucyEllensmummy · 28/12/2008 21:29

Because i thought that no one i know would be quite so Bridezilla as to outlaw children.

So, a relatively good friend of mine is getting married in june. A very INFORMAL affair of wedding in a barn and a hog roast and live bands afterwards. I'm sure it will be wonderful. I think it would be the sort of venue to make children attending quite easy actually as it is not to formal.

BUT stated clearly in the invite is "we are afraid we cannot accomodate children, as we want to have as many friends there as possible" which i interpret as "I don't REALLY like children that much so i dont want them at my wedding" - i'm not being bitchy, its just that my friend is one of those, i'll never have children types and whilst she makes the right noises about the ever growing circle of children in our group of friends you can tell that she is just not a children person.

So i guess really she is perfectly justified in not inviting children. BUT it just makes it really awkward for us. We wouldn't be able to arrange childcare for that amount of time and we are probably too precious to want to. We only ever leave DD (3) with my mum and she couldnt manage for that long. The venue is in the middle of nowhere and i don't drive so i can't really go alone without poncing a lift.

So, we have decided not to go, I don't think my friend will really mind tbh. She has loads of friends and we are not that close anymore. But i don't want her to think i am being funny about it either. We are due to see them on tuesday and my DP can be quite blunt, he is all for, nup, i'll just tell them, if we can't bring lucy, we wont be coming (I think he is being a tad unreasonable). Whereas i am much more opting towards the make up an excuse route. There is a part of me that thinks, well, if my DD isn't good enough........but i do understand, its HER day and its her choice.

OP posts:

AaliyahsFirstXmas · 28/12/2008 21:32

Nope I agree with your DP on that one.

Tell them you can't get childcare for such a long time so you can't come without bringing her. END OF

thebrain · 28/12/2008 21:34

I think if you specifically don't invite children then you have to accept that it means some people won't be able to come. So I wouldn't lie. I wouldn't make a big deal of it either that said. It's just one of those, slightly disappointing, things.

GoodWilfToAllMN · 28/12/2008 21:34

If you're not going, you should tell her why.

Mung · 28/12/2008 21:35

You dont need and excuse. You have a very good reason. Why should your friend feel that you are being funny, if you just make it clear. She'll have more space for her childless friends then anyway

yousaidit · 28/12/2008 21:36

er, no, we put the same thing on our invites, and it was simply that with the limit on the number of guests that we could have at the chosen venue, the children would have to be included in the headcount andwould take up ver a quarter of the seats (if an informal do, your frriend could have a limit on numbers fr fire / health and safety risks). we didn't want to not invite people we really wanted to be at our wedding because kids that would be possibly bored halfway through or not really appreciate the day be taking up spaces, and yes chuldren may enjoy dressing up and seeing weddings, but when you can't invite friends you've known for years and want to watch your commitment because litte girls want to see the big pretty dresses, then i'm afraid it's not unreasonable to not inite kids. and really, since when was the bride and grroom obliged o base the decision about their wedding day around making you feel your dd is 'good enough?'

MaureenMLove · 28/12/2008 21:36

I'm with DH too. Why should you have to make excuses? If you will struggle with childcare, then tell her.

Rindercella · 28/12/2008 21:38

This has nothing whatsoever to do with whether or not your DD is 'good enough'. It has everything to do with your friend & her husband-to-be deciding that there will be no children at their wedding. I am sure that if you explain in a very straightforward manner that regrettably you will not be able to attend as you have no-one to look after you DD, your friend will be fine. No point in trying to make up another excuse - you have a perfectly valid reason why you won't be able to attend. Wish them all the best, send a lovely card for the day & all will be fine.

blametheparents · 28/12/2008 21:38

Dh and I were invited to a wedding when DD was 6 months old. I couldn't have left her all day and overnight cos she was very young, and also breastfed. We said we couldn't go cos DD not invited, no point lying. We didn't get aggressive, or annoyed, just stated it as a fact.

pooka · 28/12/2008 21:39

Why don't you just go on your own?

Heated · 28/12/2008 21:39

Just say you are sorry you won't be able to attend as you will not be able to arrange long-term childcare but wish her all the best for what sounds like a fabulous day.

Thunderduck · 28/12/2008 21:40

Just state that you'll be able to go due to childcare issues and wish her a lovely day. You can do that, without guilt tripping her I'm sure.

FiveGoMadInDorset · 28/12/2008 21:42

Sorry their wedding, their choice, just reply that you won't be able to come.

Mooseheart · 28/12/2008 21:43

It is her wedding. Your dd may be delightful and well behaved but your friend cannot invite her and then say no to everyone else's children. Your friend is probably aware of hurt this may cause but this is her and her partner's day, a day which is no doubt costing them a lot of money and a day which they will want perfect for them. You must respect that and not cause ill-feeling in the long run. It would be a shame if this jeopardised your friendship.

Children do change the atmosphere at a wedding - generally positively I believe - but if your friend wants a grown-up, sophisticated do perhaps she doesn't want a bunch of kids squawking away during the vows and generally stealing their thunder?!

I didn't invite children to my wedding, although a few 'slipped through the net' and came along anyway due to childcare issues. You may find this happens for you too.

No matter how informal the venue, these places do have maximum capacities not only due to their size but also for insurance reasons etc. It is naturall that your friends will want to invite as many of their own friends as they can.

But I do understand your dilema, and can see, having been the subsequent guest of many a child-free wedding in recent years, what a headache childcare arrangements can be. But please don't take it personally as a slight against your Lucy.

blametheparents · 28/12/2008 21:43

As an aside, I would generally be quite happy to be invited to a child-free wedding. Escape for a bit. And I don't care what the wedding is like, kids get bored at weddings.

Also, would not have wanted hildren at my wedding, but got married young-ish, well at least before any friends had had children so not an issue.

DoesntChristmasDragOn · 28/12/2008 21:43

Oh, just send a "with regret" card and let it go. You don't need to give an excuse. If she asks then say you can't get childcare. There's really no need to make a fuss: she doesn't like chlidren and you already knew that.

Bonnycat · 28/12/2008 21:44

I think that couples getting married are quite within their rights to not invite children if they choose to however they have to understand that some people cant arrange childcare for whatever reason so i would tell them the truth about why you cant go.They have no cause to be funny about it.

yousaidit · 28/12/2008 21:46

plusx, we stated on our invites (just in case anyone is remotely interested !) that 'babes in arms' if you like, under 123 months that parents wanted to 'care' b/f, whatever, were welcome, and we love kids, just numbers really. your friend will probably realise that for a variety of reasons, the no kids will cause some folk to decline, so just be honest.

chequersandroastedchestnuts · 28/12/2008 21:47

If your daughter is the reason you can't go then no problem in saying that nicely. I'm sure she realises some people may not be able to make it.

Out of interest though, what do you mean by not good enough? Is the hog roast and live band thing an evening do? Would you generally take your 3 yr old to an evening party like that?

Mooseheart · 28/12/2008 21:48

Also, I have had to turn down a wedding invitation due to dd2 being two months old and dd1 21 mths... driving that distance just after Christmas would have been horrendous (and just as well we didn't seeing as there were severe blizzards on the M1 the following day with lots of gridlocked southbound traffic!)

The bride understood completely. Good luck

Original poster

LucyEllensmummy · 28/12/2008 21:51

Oh, i wish i never said anything about DD not being good enough. I just said it was a slight feeling and i know my friend doesn't think that AT all. I guess i am just disappointed really. But i respect the fact that it is her day. I hadn't actually thought of the limit on numbers, i can imagine that would be an issue at this venue tbh, so that is a good point.

I'm sure she will understand, If i can go alone i might. To be totally honest, my DP would rather stick a fork in his eye than attend a wedding anyway - so maybe i should see if i could squeeze into someones car. Thats what i will say then, that i will come alone if someone can give me a lift, and say it within ear shot of likely lift givers

yousaidit, i found your post a little agressive, i was careful to state that i more than understand my friends reasoning and that i respect it. I just didn't want her to think that i have the attitude that you have assumed already that i have.

OP posts:

chequersandroastedchestnuts · 28/12/2008 21:54

LEM that's a fab idea about going alone. DH and I have already agreed that this is what we will do if no alternative when it comes to weddings (be they childfree affairs or not, I would rather stick a fork in my eye than take DD to a wedding, unless the couple expressly wanted her there of course).

Joolyjoolyjoo · 28/12/2008 21:54

I invited children to our wedding, but i can understand why people wouldn't want to. Weddings are hugely expensive, and sometimes you just can't afford to invite all the people you would really like to invite, people who you know would appreciate seeing you get married and also appreciate all the things you have paid for (the meal, the band etc) Children probably aren't on their list of priorities, so why should they have to not invite the people they do actually want to have with them on the day to accomodate friends who have kids, who they may never even have met and are quite possibly not interested in?

YANBU to politely decline, and say it's to do with childcare issues, but neither is your friend BU in not inviting your child, I don't think. Our best man and his wife had 2 children- 1 only 5 mths old- when they attended our wedding, and they opted to leave the kids at home, so that they could enjoy the wedding better. THis involved a lot of hard work on the part of my friend, who was bf, and had to express etc, but they really enjoyed a night of being just a couple (btw, I was more than happy for them to bring their kids) I wouldn't be offended by an "adults-only" invite, but whether or not I attended would be due to practicalities, and not based on whether or not I thought my kids had been "dissed"

jojosmaman · 28/12/2008 21:55

Either don't go or get a babysitter, I think your friend is being totally within her rights to put no kids as over a certain age they do take up numbers and I for one would rather see a long seen friend at my wedding than a snotty kid (not saying your dd is snotty by the way but generally).

Liking the babes in arms thing yousaidit, that is very understanding on bride/ grroms part(although presume 12 months not 123 mths!) and must remember this addition to the invite IF I ever get married!!

yousaidit · 28/12/2008 22:03

ha ha ha jojosmaman, i'd have loved to have seen a 123 month old in mothers arms!!!!

op, sorry, didn't mean to sound agrresive but i don't 'assume' youur 'attitude'. but if you're posting n mn with commenrts 'i'm not being bitchy, it's just that...' 'my friend is one of those i'll never have children types..' , i love kids (couldn't eat a whole one though ha ha... blah blah...) and thats why i had two of my own, and your friends invite sounds very muych like mine, yet you;'ve interpreted your friends invite as not really liking children so not wanting them at her wedding. you've said yourself, its your interpretatiuon, you could be very wrong, so why get your hair off about it? just don't go if it bothers you, but its the poor girls big day (and blokes!) and their choice, just don't make an issue and give the woman stress she doesn't need about a personal decision, we unfortunately had one person who did this at our wedding, and it still makes my blood boil to think about the person in question...

Original poster

LucyEllensmummy · 28/12/2008 22:20

ah, so you have ishoos yousaidit. Im not getting my hair off about it, just don't want to upset my friend by not attending. Ive not interpreted my friends invite as not liking children very much, i have interpreted her comments in the past of "oh, i really can't see me having children, im just not that keen on them" and "your baby is lovely, but im glad i can hand her back" type comments as that she just doesn't do kids. My friend is just lovely actually, a very kind and caring person and if i am oversensitive about it, its is more because I actually don't want to upset HER. As i said, i did momentarily feel miffed that my precious DD isn't invited, but thats what it was, momentary. I am sorry that you had someone who made this an issue for you, that is precisely why i posted as i want to be able to decline without offending or upsetting my friend. As i am worried that she really will be upset, not offended but upset and guilty feeling.

OP posts:

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