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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

ITs the old, Children at weddings chestnut that i always used to roll my eyeballs at

79 replies

LucyEllensmummy · 28/12/2008 21:29

Because i thought that no one i know would be quite so Bridezilla as to outlaw children.

So, a relatively good friend of mine is getting married in june. A very INFORMAL affair of wedding in a barn and a hog roast and live bands afterwards. I'm sure it will be wonderful. I think it would be the sort of venue to make children attending quite easy actually as it is not to formal.

BUT stated clearly in the invite is "we are afraid we cannot accomodate children, as we want to have as many friends there as possible" which i interpret as "I don't REALLY like children that much so i dont want them at my wedding" - i'm not being bitchy, its just that my friend is one of those, i'll never have children types and whilst she makes the right noises about the ever growing circle of children in our group of friends you can tell that she is just not a children person.

So i guess really she is perfectly justified in not inviting children. BUT it just makes it really awkward for us. We wouldn't be able to arrange childcare for that amount of time and we are probably too precious to want to. We only ever leave DD (3) with my mum and she couldnt manage for that long. The venue is in the middle of nowhere and i don't drive so i can't really go alone without poncing a lift.

So, we have decided not to go, I don't think my friend will really mind tbh. She has loads of friends and we are not that close anymore. But i don't want her to think i am being funny about it either. We are due to see them on tuesday and my DP can be quite blunt, he is all for, nup, i'll just tell them, if we can't bring lucy, we wont be coming (I think he is being a tad unreasonable). Whereas i am much more opting towards the make up an excuse route. There is a part of me that thinks, well, if my DD isn't good enough........but i do understand, its HER day and its her choice.

OP posts:
deepinlaundry · 29/12/2008 19:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LadyLauraStandish · 29/12/2008 19:25

God, weddings are so dull it's great to have an excuse not to go to one!!!

No children? Best excuse yet for not eating their crap food and avoiding their drunken relatives!!!!

chequersandroastedchestnuts · 29/12/2008 19:27

Really deepinlaundry? What a strange thing to think.

beanieb · 29/12/2008 19:29

Just tell them you can't come because of childcare issues. Simple as. Your husband doesn't have to do it in a nasty way and I hope he wouldn't want to.

deepinlaundry · 29/12/2008 19:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pamelat · 29/12/2008 19:38

I assume that weddings are no children, unless its family.

woollyjo · 29/12/2008 19:44

My friend is getting married in the summer and only newborns are invited on the principle that as all their friends are in their 30s they almost all have at least one child, it would double her guest list if all the kids were invited.

I don't have a problem with this, its her wedding which she is paying for therefore she gets to call the shots. I have the option to go or not depending on my childcare situation.

I was bullied by DH's family into inviting and therefore paying for step children of a cousin we only invited out of politeness (the kids didn't even live with said cousin full-time)and resented it. Wish they had said they couldn't come because of childcare.

chequersandroastedchestnuts · 29/12/2008 19:50

Are you ok deepinlaundry? You seem a bit het up?

deepinlaundry · 29/12/2008 19:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

jojosmaman · 29/12/2008 20:25

Good point Pamelat, I went to a wedding a couple of weeks ago and I just presumed that ds wasn't invited for this reason without really thinking too much into it as when we were there, there were a few little ones but these were immediate family and one 4mth old (who was passed around relentlessly between the child free mothers! I was quite happy to leave my own at home but as soon as I caught sight of this little beauty I was off with her like a child snatcher!).

I went to a wedding in the summer and took ds who was 18mths and spent most of the day outside in the rain with a very stubborn ds so missed the speeches and stayed very much sober, barely touched the lovely bbq spread and left at 8pm absolutely knackered! Never again!

hazeyjane · 29/12/2008 20:32

I would just go on your own if you can.

When dh and I were invited to a 'no kids' wedding, I stayed at home (his university friend was the groom), and looked after dds, and he went for the weekend.

He explained the reason we couldn't go was because of lack of childcare, and there was no awkwardness whatsoever.

I hope you can go and have a lovely time, and if you can't, that things will still be ok with your friend.

ScottishMummy · 29/12/2008 20:49

well the bride's prerogative to set conditions.your prerogative not to adhere

NancysGarden · 29/12/2008 21:01

And if you cast your mind back, in the days before children you probably wouldn't have batted an eyelid it's a question of perspective and children change that so much it is difficult to judge. IME though I also find the day much more tiring with small one in tow and at the last 2 weddings have dropped DD off after the ceremony (the latter of which she did talk loudly through .

chequersandroastedchestnuts · 29/12/2008 21:19

NancysGarden that does sound presume you removed her so the assembled could hear the ceremony?

NancysGarden · 29/12/2008 21:23

DP did, they were more my friends. Shame but she was only 18m so what can you expect if I photographer approaches you during service to take pics other than a very loud "CHEESE"

chequersandroastedchestnuts · 29/12/2008 21:27

...

shawad · 30/12/2008 09:18

Why does everyone say "it's her day" - is she going to be standing at the altar alone?

Not going to my Brother's wedding for this reason - and since everyone says "her wedding, her choice", I'm saying "our choice whether to go or not".

I don't think I'm being unreasonable - the only children there would only be our 4 mnth old and 20 mnth old. My brother's wife to be (I'm refusing to recognise her as family since she clearly doesn't recognise mine) said "Family or not, they're still children, and I'm NOT having children at MY wedding".

Luckily they stay 80+ miles away so we don't have to see them. Sad if it means I lose touch with my brother, but I've got more important people to worry about now.

My mother spoke to me about the whole affair the other day - apparently she doesn't want to go either - it's only the fact it's her son's wedding that means she'll be there.

So, YANBU IMO.

piscesmoon · 30/12/2008 10:38

An excellent point shawad-I do get thoroughly fed up about the 'my day' as if the bride is the only one that matters!
I think it is a family day, no doubt people will shout me down again, but if the bride wants to have 'her day' she could go off and quietly have it without involving any money or the family! It always seems strange to me that some of the family are discriminated against-espacially when they are such close blood relatives.

TsarHumbug · 30/12/2008 10:47

I think it's ok to exclude children especially if they are not on your radar (ie don't have any yourself).

Dh had a 40th party and although our own children came, I didn't want to ask everyone else's children too. There would have been more children than adults otherwise.

We all go to loads and loads of child orientated parties and events. It's not unreasonable to want a more adult evening now and again minus the jelly and ice cream.

woollyjo · 30/12/2008 10:52

I guess the attention is focused on the bride because the blame is always apportioned to her too.

No-one here has come up with an annecdote blaming the groom for the decision where as it probably was a joint decision in most cases.

At our wedding DH would have rather not had kids but I didn't mind.

LoveBeingAMummyKissingSanta · 30/12/2008 10:58

I understand where's she's coming from if we'd ahve invited all the children of the people we wanted to invite it would have added an extra 30+ to the day which we just couldn't do. Anyway.....as your DP doesn't really want to go why can't he stay at home and you go???

If you feel you can't go, then don't make any excuses, a polite we'd love too however are unable to make arrangements for LO is fine.

Original poster
LucyEllensmummy · 30/12/2008 16:09

FRom the wording on the invite, i think its a numbers issue and why i didn't think of that before i don't know . I think its fair enough actually - I am disappointed though but i DO totally understand. The thing is, i don't REALLY want to go alone, and also be reliant on someone else for transport (I have some anxiety issues and im pretty much phobic of getting in a car with someone else - i do it, but only when i have to, im ok with DP driving). I will just have to play it by ear - be totally honest with my friend and decide nearer the time. I realise i might seem a bit PFB about not allowing DD to be minded by non family members or my ILs overnight but it would properly fry my head. So, their wedding, my ishoos i thinks.

I am aware that she does have children in her family, i would be stunned if those weren't invited.

I do think that attitudes change too when you have children, i think i would have been - "oh thank god, no kids" pre DD2 (DD1 is all grown up now!) but now i think it wont have the right weddingy atmosphre - i love the whole kiddies dancing to cheesey music on the dance floor. Then at about 8 they should all be taken home. My friend doesn't have, or doesn't want children - so i imagine that for her, it was an easy decision to make.

OP posts:
islandofsodor · 30/12/2008 16:25

It all sounds totally reasonable Lucy Ellensmummy.

It is quite reasonable of your friend not to invite the children of friends to her wedding. I do always feel its a bit much when close family members are excluded but we had 200 at our evening do so children of friends in addition to those of our family would have been a bit eeeeeek!

However it is also totally reasonable of you to politely decline citing lack of childcare as the reason. I have declined many wedding invitations in the past including some family (though not immediate family) ones as dh and I work weekends so to work all day leaving the dc with grandparents, then to disapear off out for the night to an evening do as well expecting the grandparents to stay even longer would be out of order I think.

Chandon · 30/12/2008 19:05

I had that problem when my best friend got married.

I had DS (3 months old) who was breast fed, and did not take the bottle. Also, I had to travel 11 hours to get to her (abroad).

I told her I would be happy to come all the way, but that I could not think what to do with DS for that time if I weren´´t allowed to bring him.

She said to leave DS with my DH and come alone.

She said that the breastfeeding thing was a bit pathetic as ALL babies take bottles.

She said I should espect her wishes of No babies and children as she wanetd a stylish grown up wedding.

In the end I did not go.

That was the end of the friendship though.

It still bothers me sometime. (Wish I could have had an AIBU thread about it at the time!)

piscesmoon · 30/12/2008 19:22

I think it just goes to prove, Chandon, that she wasn't a very good friend-sad though it seems. I don't understand how 'style' comes before people.