ITs the old, Children at weddings chestnut that i always used to roll my eyeballs at

[LucyEllensmummy]

Because i thought that no one i know would be quite so Bridezilla as to outlaw children.

So, a relatively good friend of mine is getting married in june. A very INFORMAL affair of wedding in a barn and a hog roast and live bands afterwards. I'm sure it will be wonderful. I think it would be the sort of venue to make children attending quite easy actually as it is not to formal.

BUT stated clearly in the invite is "we are afraid we cannot accomodate children, as we want to have as many friends there as possible" which i interpret as "I don't REALLY like children that much so i dont want them at my wedding" - i'm not being bitchy, its just that my friend is one of those, i'll never have children types and whilst she makes the right noises about the ever growing circle of children in our group of friends you can tell that she is just not a children person.

So i guess really she is perfectly justified in not inviting children. BUT it just makes it really awkward for us. We wouldn't be able to arrange childcare for that amount of time and we are probably too precious to want to. We only ever leave DD (3) with my mum and she couldnt manage for that long. The venue is in the middle of nowhere and i don't drive so i can't really go alone without poncing a lift.

So, we have decided not to go, I don't think my friend will really mind tbh. She has loads of friends and we are not that close anymore. But i don't want her to think i am being funny about it either. We are due to see them on tuesday and my DP can be quite blunt, he is all for, nup, i'll just tell them, if we can't bring lucy, we wont be coming (I think he is being a tad unreasonable). Whereas i am much more opting towards the make up an excuse route. There is a part of me that thinks, well, if my DD isn't good enough........but i do understand, its HER day and its her choice.

no, i don't have ishoos, just get tired of seeing women sorting out their wedding day getting shot down in flames for having a preference. but niocd to see an opinion being written down to 'ishoos'. ooh, see if your friend has some you can help out with.

i nebver gave a monkeys WHYT people said no, just was helpful that they did for numbers, ie, brad and angelina can't come coz squids aren't invited, right, get invite out to next set of folk we now know we can accomodate, that sort of thing. people could have said can't come for childcare, disagree with no kids, can't afford it, don't want to travel, etc, wouldn't have minded, didn't expect my wedding day to be a priority to other people. i'm sure your friend has thought long and hard and taken time to be prepared with her decision and the anticipated backlash / grief some people may be willing to dish out. a simple no, can't make it won't offend, trust me, there are far worse responses than that

I don't see why it should upset her-just tell the truth. She doesn't want children at her wedding, you have a child and an all day affair in the middle of nowhere is impossible-she has to expect that a lot of people will find it too difficult, but it is her choice.

Im sorry yousaidit, i meant to be jokey with the ishoos comment, i just meant that you have clearly been upset by this in the past and i do understand totally why. Sorry, honestly, i really didn't mean to offend you.

I will just tell her that i wont be able to make it to the wedding, but that woe betide her if she doesn't invite me to the hen night .

sorry

here's the thing, you'ree dcs are the most importnat thiung to you, but unfortunately, not to every one else (mine included, but obviously i think everyone else is wrong)

i'm sure your friend will be acutely aware you're declining due to children issues, but have been too polite to be this specific on your decline, but she will prob not mind / appreciate your tact.

what she wouldn't appreciate is you working in an office where yuou have frequent dealings with public in your local town and tell people you and bride / groom mutually know that you're not happy with this no kids thing and are going to 'cause some shit' cox 'it's all about family' before turning up on the day with kids in tow (only for service, not daring enough to go to the do after in case bride or groom speak to you) dressed like you're going to pick up paper from the corner shop, and suprisingly. or not suprisingly, this was from the only person at our wedding invited who had kids that was a friuend, not 'family', and goes to the pub at least five times a week so can't be arsed with their kids until it came to having to arrange a bbaysitter then got arsey. GASP, breath drawn, .... , so sorry, LEM, i just hate to see some folks decisions getting pulled apart re this, when i an hand on heart say it can be motivated by money / seats etc...

but, at least if you've got your wig off with me, you won't wioth the bride

just go to the hen night either dressed to kill or dressed like a baby

It reminds me of when my sister got married a few years ago. I have three children and the invite was for a maximum of one child per family to attend, which at the time I thought was a bit off .

As I couldn't arrange childcare I was really disappointed that I couldn't go. It later transpired that my other sister went with her two children but I wasn't meant to find out

wow, knockedgymnast, that's a bit bizzare.. did your sister ever say why she did that?

She's been quite upfront that she'd rather have a child-free wedding than have other people's kids taking up places she could otherwise offer to more of her mates, well, fair play to her.

& equally, fair play to your dh for just explaining that you can't both go without your dd as the childcare isn't practical.

It sounds to me that that level of refreshing honesty on both sides means no-one needs take offence or lose sleep over it...& if you can blag a lift, go on your own & enjoy it, bonus!

yousaid it: I didn't even ask my sister. Sometimes actions speak louder than words

knockedgymnast: good grief, what a shitty thing to do. i'm such a nosey person and this seem slike such a wierd thing to do i'd love to ask you loads of quesions but trying tobe good and notr a nosey old moo i won't! i'm sure your 3 dcs are your pride and joy and its your sisters loss if she wanted to be so sneaky as to not see them. i invited my sisters kids to our wedding, and they ended up sat in highchairs with me and dh on the top table SMOTHERED in chocolate!!

Most wedding venues have a limit on numbers. Couples getting married have to decide where to draw the line around who is invited and who is not. That's why we had a child-free wedding. We invited cousins but not their offspring on the grounds that if you invite one cousin's child, it's not fair not to invite all the children of all your cousins, iykwim.

I was quite happy for the wedding to be childless at the time. I feel a bit differently about it now but, then, I no longer have to worry about who I might offend by who I do or don't invite, so I can afford to feel differently.

Just explain to your friend that you can't get suitable childcare. BTW, just how long are you expecting to be away? Is there no way (even for other times if not for this) that you can find someone who can have your dd overnight?

i didnt have any children at my reception - tbh i love children, but as most of my friends have children, i knew if they brought them along, they wouldnt be able to relax as looking after their children

so made day child free, i know it annoyed some of my family (but not my friends - who were only too happy to dump children on in laws etc) and all enjoyed

although i gave over a years notice about having no children, my bil didnt come as couldnt find anyone to look after dh neice and nephew - which tbh really pissed us off, as they made a HUGE deal about not being able to leave their 2+4 with anyone, and wanted to bring them

we firmly said no - if we said yes to one, would have said yes to all

and also was a money/space thing as well

lucyellensmummy can you not leave children with parents/in laws/friend for a night, or get them to come to yours

if she is a good friend, try and sort out childcare - even if only for few hours and you get to evening do and not whole day

in the end, it is your friends choice and her wedding day, dont lie, just say you cant get childcare so you cant come

Just a thought, but you say you can't go as you can't leave your DD with your mum that long, as it would be hard work on your mum, but that your mum does babysit at other times.

Well, how about asking if you could just go to the evening bit? You could put your DD in bed, get your mum over to babysit (no work for her to do, if you make sure DD is asleep before you leave) and then join them for the evening do. That's the best bit anyway - watching over people doing their vows is quite frankly boring to watch, so I'd be grateful of the excuse to get out of it!

It would be a good compromise all round, and I would say it is perfectly acceptable to cite your DD as the reason why, so long as you're not passive aggressive about it

We didn't go to DH's cousin's wedding cos of this. It was on a Friday and all our potential babysitters were working. Bride's Dad was upset with bride's mum as he wanted to invite children. We just went odwn the "their wedding, their choise" route but told them WHY we wouldn't be attending.

Rather embarrassingly, when they told us they'd booked the wedding (bride's parents, DH's aunt & uncle) and itw as a Friday, I said "oh how lovely, DD will miss a day of school but she'l have a lovely time, she loves weddings"

Uncle looked horrified and hissed at Aunt "I told you this would happen" whilst she made her usual dogs bum mouth!

oh crap, I can spell choice!!

if you really wanted to go surely you would find a way? Is there really no one who could stay in your house for the night to look after your daughter while you go and have some fun?
sounds like you are just making excuses not to go

I would be upset if my friend wouldn't get a babysitter to come to my wedding (children are invited to ours btw), understandable if your dd was a baby but she's 3yrs old, if your mum babysat and you just went to the evening do I'm sure that would be better than not going at all wouldn't it?

I have to say I am all in agreement to no kids at weddings. DP's best mate got married in the Summer he was a groomsman and our son was invited I also was at the time quite pregnant. Because of groomsman duties DP was understanabley not really able to help. So I missed the ceremony as DS started to kick off I managed a few gulps of my meal missed all the speaches and by the time evening came round and my mum arrived to take DS home I was knackered from running round after him all day all I wanted to do was go to bed.

So when another good friend told us she was getting married but she was thinking of saying no kids we told her it is very sensible as its a real PITA running round after your kids all day and making sure they dont ruin someone elses big day. To be honest DP and I are really looking forward to a day of being together without our albeit precious but slighlty spirited children at our side.

It is upto your friend whom she invites or not its her day.So yes YABU.

are they any friends of yours and brides who you know who are going, and if they have children to share the cost of a nanny during the day/baby sitter at night

or get a lift with them and leave dh at home - know my dh would love to escape some of the weddings we get invited to

They don't want children stealing their thunder!! eurgh, so in their minds, a wedding is about them being in the spotlight, getting all the 'attention'? That's gross, sorry. Have they been watching too much X Factor? I just can't understand why you wouldn't invite kids along. You need more seats? Get a bigger venue. Tightwads. Plus, how can it be a sophisticated 'grown-up' wedding? It's in a barn. With a hog roast. It's obviously a cheap and cheerful do - exactly where you CAN take kids.

Lovemygirls, its not that i WONT get childcare, i only have my mum and she can only really manage an hour or so at a time as she is not a spring chicken. I dont have any other family to ask and we don't like to leave our DD with non family members. My ILs would happily have her overnight but she sees so little of them it would be unfair to her. Maybe i am being precious but i think mum or dad should be the one to put lo's to bed at such a young age.

As posters have said, by making it child free the couple must have realised that some people wouldn't be able to come and are willing to accept that. I will tell my friends that i would like to play it by ear, and that we might be able to go - if they want a definate answer now (and they well might due to numbers) then it will have to be a no.

In all honesty, i really don't think it will impact on my friends day at all if i am not there. We were work collegues and we dont really keep that much in touch these days so its ok really

I got married in 2000 and one of my biggest regrest is the "no children" decree my ex placed on the whole day. At the time it came down to cost - adding all the children filled over a quarter of the seats, the venue we had was smallish and we couldn't afford anything bigger. However, when I've been to weddings in the past I've always enjoyed seeing children run around and wanted the same for my wedding too. It's still my biggest regret but thankfully our friends understood. With hindsight I just wish we'd put the money towards having a psoh meal somewhere with close family only.

I had a barn wedding, hogroast and ceilidh. Fab. Thousands of small people there too.

Anyway...

My brother had an invitation only wedding.

Fine you say?

Well yes except some children were invited and other weren't.

Their two obviously invited, one excl. bfing at the time.

Their friends' children all invited.

My dd, the niece of the groom, excl. bfing at the time, not invited.

Phoned to clarify. Nope. Not invited. Their friends 'meant a lot' to them. Their family didn't apparently.

Anyway, do what we did, reply and say 'sorry we can't find childcare'.

Nowt against childfree weddings but by God SIL was a bridezilla.

I think its ok to exclude children. We had to to keep numbers and cost down, and all but one family were happier with this arrangement anyway.

I would be honest though and say that its because you cant find child care.

"Why these brides think they are bestowing a wonderful, generous invitation to anyone is beyond me."

Do you really think they feel like that? Half of the people are invited down to obligation IME.