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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I didn't stand up for DD, feel bad

124 replies

LeatherOnLeather · 27/12/2008 20:50

DH took DD (4) to his parents for lunch today. I didn't go. When I went to pick them up tonight MIL pulled me aside and said she had had to tell off DD several times for being rude and vulgar. I asked what she had been doing and MIL said "She kept calling the toilet the bog, shouted that the 'bog roll' had ran out etc

I feel really bad because this is just what we say at home, however I didn't tell MIL this as I felt embarrassed so didn't stand up for DD when I should have done.

Be honest, is it really vulgar to talk like this? we always have done, It didn't occur to me that anyone would find it offensive or is MIL just being precious?

OP posts:

DoubleBluff · 27/12/2008 21:53

I dont like the word ''bog'
Wouldnt like DS's to say it

NancysGarden · 27/12/2008 21:54

Had to really laugh TotalChaos, everyone should read your post: I'm sure ANY words would be music to your ears having lived through the worries of severe language delay. I have seen kids with this suddenly blossom and the relief/ pleasure it gives their parents. This must all seem a luxury to be worrying about the register of your child's words

themulledmanneredjanitor · 27/12/2008 21:57

so all children should be allowed to speak however they want , and say whatever words they want to however crude because some children have speech problems?

it is our job as parnets to teach our children to fit in with society and words like 'bog' are not generally acceptable in society. i'm sorry but it's just not.

TotalChaos · 27/12/2008 21:59

mmj - no - but then as parents we all draw the line differently as to what is acceptable.

Quattrocento · 27/12/2008 22:01

I agree with you MMJ but in fairness to Coldtits I think she was reacting against being judgemental of other people's children and steering them away from them, rather than guiding one's own children. Although it's difficult to see where one ends and the other begins.

Coldtits · 27/12/2008 22:01

Words like 'bog' are perfectly acceptable in the society I move in, is it not a little closed minded to insist everyone holds exactly the same values as yourself? I would be a little miffed if ds1 spoke only Welsh, for instance, because I wouldn't be able to understand him - but I wouldn't mind a jot if he had friends who spoke only welsh.

When you are a parent, you are only YOUR child's parent. You can't suddenly start insisting everyone does it the way you want them to, and that included people who say 'bog' when you think they should say 'loo'. Both are merely euphemisms, why is one more acceptable than the other? "Because I said so" seems to sum it up!

revjustawantsteethingtostop · 27/12/2008 22:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

chloemegjess · 27/12/2008 22:05

It isn't at all snobby to dislike the word bog. Its awful. It is almost swearing IMO.

Bauble99 · 27/12/2008 22:08

You are a wise woman, Coldtits.

Coldtits · 27/12/2008 22:09

You are as entitled to object to the word 'bog' as I am to object to the word 'linoleum' but entitlement won't make you sound any less mad for doing so!

Quattrocento · 27/12/2008 22:09

One of the things that I'd like for my children is to be able to mix freely wherever they are and whoever they are with, and accept people for who they are.

So for me that includes them being able to hear the word bog without flinching - although I'd really like them not to use it themselves (to avoid causing others to flinch).

Bauble99 · 27/12/2008 22:11

Serviette. Or dinner at lunchtime.

See. I am a snob.

solidgoldstuffingballs · 27/12/2008 22:12

Fucking hell, are there really still people who object to 'bog'? as a term for the water closet? You know, the aristocracy have no use for euphemisms and think that 'toilet' or 'little girls/boys room' are far more vulgar (because they are twee, mealy-mouthed and very lower-middle-class) than 'crapper'...

treedelivery · 27/12/2008 22:13

Agree coldtits.

I don't like the word - but thats me.
I Would not approve of my child being called vulgar by a close relative for using it however. Would perhaps hint to MIL that many 4 year olds can cause un-holy havoc when visiting, particulary at Christmas, and so if that's the extent of dc's vulgarity your parenting choices and methods appear very succesfull!

Besides - 4 year olds shouldn't have anxiety ulcers from sitting still, being seen and not heard, and wondering which word to use where. No doubt will bring home all sorts of expressive language from school to futher shock and offend. It's life.

Mind you i had a thing about 'poo'. Still don't like the word but play school and everyone uses it so had to get used to it. We started out with 'whoopsie' but no one had faintest idea what dd was on about!

Quattrocento · 27/12/2008 22:13

You are using an entirely false analogy there Coldtits.

No-one objects to the word linoleum. Large numbers of people object to the word bog. As they do most forms of swearing. My DCs aren't supposed to use the words fuck and shit and damn and bugger. Because they cause offence to other people.

Fortunately they do not know the word cunt yet (quatt hopes) but they will be discouraged from that as well.

LucyEllensmummy · 27/12/2008 22:21

Why would Bog be offensive, its not like she sat on the toilet bellowing "Naaaan, can you bring me some bog roll, there is nothing to wipe my arse on in your shitter" is it?

Everyone is different - I went round to a mums house the other week, her little girl said "my fanny is sore" I was initially a bit but then i realised that is just what they must call her "mini". Hey ho. Then, the other day i went to another womans house - her little girl was running around starkers sticking her bum in the air shouting "im going to fart" she is 3. I was worried that my DD had taught her to say fart, but no, her daddy lets them watch the simpsons, which apparently was the reason. It was very funny and i wasn't in the least bit offended, rather i was relieved that my DD isn't the only one who "has her moments". I think its called relaxed parenting - i'm all for it. These were middle class mums with very bright, articulate and cute girls who were really happy and relaxed with themselves. Something to be praised i think.

LucyEllensmummy · 27/12/2008 22:24

Bog is not acceptable in this society? Blimey MMJ what society do you live in then. SO, a bog is an area of muddy wettness (sorry, its well past wine o clock and i cant think of a better description) and it is a slightly crude way of describing the toilet. It is not a word that is otherwise offensive. I just think it is a totally unoffensive word with slight comedy value. Its like BOGOFf - buy one get one free - i knew a head master once who used to use this play on words to make his assemblies giggle a bit.

Come on girls - lighten up./

ScottishMummy · 27/12/2008 22:26

LOL i am transfixed at LEM "naaaaaaaaaan narrative".heefeckinlarious.

windypop · 27/12/2008 22:27

Bog isn't swearing though exactly, isn't it just slang?

AFAIK, Bog and Loo are slang, Toilet is generally acceptable, Lavatory is "posh" as is speaking in terms of the Smallest Room, or Bathroom/Powder/Ladie's/Men's Rooms. These last five in particular all studiously avoid direct mentioning of the reason one is going there - ie to Poo or Wee! (because you could be going to wash your hands, straighten your hair, check your tights for ladders etc etc).

Bog, Loo and Toilet more or less tell others that you intend to pass a bodily function and that's what's in bad taste, as such. There isn't really a need to advertise the fact.

OP, say you were going for a job interview in the future for example, would you ask if you could use the Bog? Or would you ask where the "Ladie's Room" was? If you wouldn't use the word Bog in that situation then you recognise there is a distinction between the two.

I think you do recognise the difference because you were embarassed to tell your MIL that you use the word "bog". Why the embarassment if you think it is perfectly acceptable?

nooka · 27/12/2008 22:32

I was brought up to consider the word toilet as offensively lower class (lavatory or loo were OK if you really had to talk about it). Ridiculous. We use the terms bog roll or loo roll fairly interchangeably (are there people out there who call it lavatory tissue I wonder?). Now we live in North America only restroom (in public) and bathroom (in other people's houses) are considered acceptable. It's all quite cultural. I think your MIL was rude to take you aside - why on earth did she think that was necessary if she had already made a fuss in front of your dh? It is worth chatting to your dd about words that might be considered acceptable in different circumstances. Most children find this quite easy to understand - I always brief my two on their pleases and thank yous before visiting my parents.

Quattrocento · 27/12/2008 22:37

See I think you are wrong there windypop. I was brought up that the word toilet was erm a bit nouveau and that the proper word was actually lavatory or loo.

Searching for the basis for this quaint snobbery took me to this essay on U and Non-U the text of which I cannot find but sounds so screamingly funny that I am tempted to join the bog-gang.

Nighbynight · 27/12/2008 22:39

I would be tempted to teach dd to say Karsey....

nooka · 27/12/2008 22:39

But who wouldn't be embarrassed at being told their child was rude and vulgar? I don't consider visiting a friend (or even a MIL) as being similar to having a job interview. In the UK in both circumstances I'd ask "could I possibly use your loo" - in the US I'd get a totally blank look in both circumstances. I do find it amusing all the euphemisms for the loo - after all how often do you go into your loo to do anything other than pee or poo? Restroom is I think particularly ridiculous. My grandmother favoured "spending a penny"

fishie · 27/12/2008 22:42

fil calls it the slats. i have gone with loo because it is easy to say.

toilet is a just a plain old nasty word, automatic catsbum face saying it.

IdrisTheDragon · 27/12/2008 22:44

I don't like the word bog myself, but put up with DH's parents using the word. They are posher than I am (well DH is so I presume they are too). DH doesn't like the word bog either.

At a job interview I would ask for the toilet. I could never ask for the ladies' room - I would start giggling

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