Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Dh aggressive to ds

77 replies

dustyteddy · 18/12/2008 19:31

I have just witnessed my dh acting in what i think was a very aggressive manner to 3 year old ds. Ds was trying to pick up Christmas presents from under a christmas tree (not ours). So dh tells him to stop. Ds ignores him twice and carries on trying to throw the presents around. Dh is angry by this point and picks ds up by the hood of his coat and lifts him into the air, ds looks and sounds like he can't breathe. I tell dh to stop because I felt it was too aggressive. Dh is upset because he says I don't back him up. I really hate violence and cannot condone this sort of action. He says we are too soft on ds and he will end up spoilt. This the second time dh has flown into a rage at ds and hurt him. Last time he slapped ds face. Dh is from the middle east and said his father smacked him alot as a child and that he said he still respects his father. He says ds should have more respect for us when we say no. Aibu to think violence is not the answer. I think I need some research to back me, as dh doesn't believe me.

OP posts:

notnowbernard · 18/12/2008 19:34

He slapped your 3 yr old accross the face?

Fuck

What a shit situation for you to be in

harleyd · 18/12/2008 19:35

thats not on

Spidermama · 18/12/2008 19:35

Your dh needs some pareting lessons. He obvioulsy doesn't know how to handle it when your ds doesn't do what he's told so perhaps you have to teach him.

My dh is sometimes over the top when the kids don't do what they're told. He also gets pissed off that I don't support him but I tell him I can't support shit parenting and he has to learn to keep his anger out of it and behave like a man in control, not like a wild beast in the playground.

Spidermama · 18/12/2008 19:36

There's a BIG difference between fear and respect.

Tee2072 · 18/12/2008 19:37

He's 3? No 3 year old listens!

Your DH needs parenting classes. Violence is never the answer.

Original poster

dustyteddy · 18/12/2008 19:43

Thank you for your replies. I have told him that ds is only 3 and I deal without using violence, everyday. I know it's normal and he is not going to be an angel overnight. I am firm with him, but my expectations of a 3 year olds behaviour are not as high as dh, more realistic, I hope.

The thing is dh is a good father, apart from these rare incidents. He loves ds and does alot of the childcare when not at work. I just wish he could control his temper!

OP posts:

DandyLioness · 18/12/2008 19:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

slavetomykids · 18/12/2008 19:50

What about booking the pair of you on to a parenting course.
I realise your husband might be offended. So you could say that YOU feel that YOU want to go on one as you need to learn how to be a better parent and would he come with you as you don't want to go on your own.

cory · 18/12/2008 19:57

Why on earth did he need to lift him by the hood? That sounds very dangerous and could easily have gone wrong if any part of the hood had pressed on the vagal nerve.

Why not lift him by the arms? That's what any responsible person would have done.

Original poster

dustyteddy · 18/12/2008 19:59

He was acting in anger. Not thinking straight. I told him to pick him up under the arms or take him firmly by the hand and lead him away.

OP posts:

prettybutterfly · 18/12/2008 20:00

Yanbu.

TheYearOfTheCat · 18/12/2008 20:01

I am so at this, particularly the slap across the face incident. I have a 3 yr old, and am the first to acknowledge they can be challenging and a pain in the arse at this age. But

An analogy which may be helpful, is that I spent quite a lot of my time being cross with my 3yr old DD, because she was hammering her 18mnth old brother. Then I realised that I had never actually taught her appropriate responses for when her brother was annoying her. Once we agreed what she would do when he was being annoying, the sibling violence reduced dramatically.

What I am taking a long time to say, is that you maybe need to (actually, you have to) agree a strategy with your DH for how to deal with this sort of behaviour. If you have agreed an approach, then the issue of you 'not backing you up' should not arise as often. But I would suggest it needs to be an approach which you both agree to, not one which you impose on your DH.

Poor DS. I hope he is OK.

Coldtits · 18/12/2008 20:02

Find yourself a childminder. I wouldn't leave my child in the hands of someone incapable of controlling themselves to an adult degree.

tiredemma · 18/12/2008 20:05

I would be worried leaving my son with DP is he was so aggessive. Really worried.

maidenvoyage · 18/12/2008 20:11

I think he needs to be slapped across the face by someone much bigger than him sorry just my opinion. angry

bekkaboo · 18/12/2008 20:17

Poor kid, you DH clearly has no idea whats he's doing. I think he needs anger management advice, I would be worried about living with tihs sort of man, no offence!

Sidge · 18/12/2008 20:18

This is very worrying. That level of aggression to a 3 year old is potentially very dangerous.

I have seen children subjected to a child protection plan for similar - maybe tell your husband that the UK has an increasingly low tolerance for aggression against children and that if he's not careful you will all end up being investigated by Social Services. He needs to realise that his cultural norms don't apply now he is living in the UK.

Ask your HV about Positive Parenting courses. That would show your DH there are alternative ways to instil respect and discipline without resorting to violence.

kitbit · 18/12/2008 20:20

"Acting in anger and not thinking straight"?
If his temper gets in the way of his better judgement he is best not left with a 3 year old alone. EVER. I'm not kidding. 3 year olds don't have the social skills or experience to know how to behave in an adult way. It's the adults' job to teach them that. If his father loses his rag and tries to strangle him or slap his face every time he can't hold his temper I'd be very, very worried.

He's a bully and very dangerous.

tatt · 18/12/2008 20:21

Picking him up by the hood of his coat may not have been making him choke, you could have read more into that because you didn't like it. Slapping a child across the face worries me more.

You need to be agreeing between yourself on how you will discipline your child.You can be fimer with him without resorting to slapping.

Why didn't you pick him and remove him from the presents?

nooka · 18/12/2008 20:21

I think you need to do more than just say this isn't on, because when two parents have very different approaches to managing your children's behaviour it can go really badly wrong. I had friends where the mother really was a bit of a walk over, and the father over compensated, and was very strict and they were a very unhappy bunch of children. You really need to agree on an approach(es) that you are together happy with. The result should be that your son's behaviour improves (on those occasions when, like all three year olds he plays up) and that you and your husband are more relaxed with each other's parenting and can support each other, because you agree with the line to be taken. The rages are of course not on.

LittleJingleBellas · 18/12/2008 20:30

FFS this is child abuse.

Call a spade a spade.

I'd be calling the police myself.

LiffeyCanSpellGeansaiNollaig · 18/12/2008 20:34

I bet he wouldn't contemplate anger management or parenting classes. He'll just get angrier that nobody is siding with him.

Sidge is right. This might be the only way to get him to stop as he won't suddenly 'see' things your way.

noonki · 18/12/2008 20:41

it is not at all acceptable behaviour. When I started school corporal punishment was still the norm. We were smacked as children by my very loving parents. I have smacked my DS1 twice on the bottom and regretted it a lot. (He had just made his newborn brother bleed, so too was done in anger)

and this is beyond smacking, it is dangerous.

I would say to your husband that you want a no -smacking (violence) rule that no one is allowed to break.

Look up positive parent techniques together. You will both benefit.

Both go to parenting classes

and tell him about a Ghanian family I worked with (when I was a housing support officer) who had both their children taken away as they were hitting them with a stick. And they told the school

(eventually they were returned after a few months).

He needs to realise how easy it is to kill a child.

purpleduckUnderTheMistletoe · 18/12/2008 20:43

I think many of us end up doing things that our parents did to us (to a degree) - sometimes it just seems to come from nowhere, and it is really hard to realise that we screwed up -even harder to believe that we have done the exact thing we always said we wouldn't

Maybe when everything is going good, have a talk with your dh about his dad. If he remembers that feeling of being scared of his dad - and does he really want your son to regard him the same way...What is your dh's vision for their future relationship? Is it possible to get there from where they are now?

Sometimes people have to be made to "connect the dots" so to speak so they can realise that their child may feel scared - just the same as they did as a child - its all too easy to think "oh, its totally different because I only did it once", or however it is justified.

Terrible situation, but you have to fight your ds's corner - who else will?

critterjitter · 18/12/2008 21:05

I personally wouldn't leave your son alone with him. Sorry to have to say that, but if he acts in that way when you are there, it makes me wonder what's going on when you're not. Can I ask if he Is he violent towards you too?

I think the culture explanation is pretty weak too. I'm sure that there will be many many fathers from your husband's culture who are not violent towards their children.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread