Dh aggressive to ds

[dustyteddy]

I have just witnessed my dh acting in what i think was a very aggressive manner to 3 year old ds. Ds was trying to pick up Christmas presents from under a christmas tree (not ours). So dh tells him to stop. Ds ignores him twice and carries on trying to throw the presents around. Dh is angry by this point and picks ds up by the hood of his coat and lifts him into the air, ds looks and sounds like he can't breathe. I tell dh to stop because I felt it was too aggressive. Dh is upset because he says I don't back him up. I really hate violence and cannot condone this sort of action. He says we are too soft on ds and he will end up spoilt. This the second time dh has flown into a rage at ds and hurt him. Last time he slapped ds face. Dh is from the middle east and said his father smacked him alot as a child and that he said he still respects his father. He says ds should have more respect for us when we say no. Aibu to think violence is not the answer. I think I need some research to back me, as dh doesn't believe me.

This is wrong regardless of how your DH was bought and how he feels about his own father now. Violence is not acceptable, your DS is 3 - a baby really. I don't know what to advise but you have to keep your DS safe - it is YOUR job as a mother.

whats the legal situation in this country about hitting children?

I think this is awful behaviour.

I dont even care what background your DH has, that is no justification.

I think this is abusive behaviour.

Does he realise that he is out or order, or is he in denial? I really think he/you need to address his aggression.

He is not violent towards me, only ds. In general though dh is very kind and loving to us as a family and to others. He seems to snap when tired and stressed. I don't know where it comes from.

I want to discuss with my parents about these issues, although think it might be a bad idea, as they think dh is wonderful and can seemingly do no wrong.

I can't believe some of you think he shouldn't be near ds!?I think these incidents are rare exceptions not the norm at all.

I thought we were getting on fine , using time out as discipline. Dh seems to want instant behaviour change, but it just doesn't work like that.

I'm worried what kind of legacy he is leaving ds. I don't want him to be using these methods with his future dcs .

I have a feeling it may be illegal to hit a child on the head.

Will google

Does DS seem comfortable around DH? Or do you think he gets a bit scared?

As rare as these outbursts may be, they must be confusing/scarey for a 3 year old.

my cheeky, boisterous little dd3 is 3 yrs old. My eyes actually filled with tears imagining her little face being slapped

Please seek help for your husband..if necessary show him this thread. PLEASE don't let this be swept under the carpet because most of the time he is a 'good' dad.

Get him some help - together - before it does go too far. What he sees as 'acceptable' clearly isn't, and it's happened twice so far. So not just a one off. Talk to someone about it, please.

If he considers face slapping appropriate discipline for a 3 yr old, what is he going to think appropriate for a 6, 9, 12, 15 yr old?? How far will he go when his son becomes older and more likely to challenge him or get into bigger scrapes?
I agree with others here and suggest you sit down and think about this carefully. The culture and "this is how my parents treated me" arguments are not good enough to excuse physical violence on anyone, let alone a defenceless small child.
I really hope these posts from everyone will give you the strength to trust your instinct on this and prevent anything similar happening again. Best scenario, discuss it when he is calm and son in bed, remind him how it made him feel as a child - scared, frightened of own parents - and help him accept that it is wrong and agree never ever to use those tactics again. If he cannot see your POV and refuses to change his parental "disciplinary methods" then please put your son first and find a way to keep him safe. There are lots of charities, phonelines and support networks to help you through this if it comes to it.
Will be thinking of you both x

YANBU. Potentially if he attacks your ds in temper/anger/frustration he will injure (or even kill) the child as a grown man's temper against a defenceless three year old is no match at all.

Sorry to sound harsh.

Let's hope that one of these "rare exceptions" doesn't lead to a tragic incident. It would only take one episode of choking your beautiful child.

We all have the potential to snap when tired and stressed, but your dh must learn to manage his anger.

you ahve put forward a few defences for your DH:
tired and stressed - still not ok to take it out on DS. Might help explain but NEVER excuses it.

rare occasions and not the norm - sure, better than if it happened every week, still does not make it right at all. My mum hit me twice as a kid. Only twice. I remember both occasions, what I wore, where I was, what she said etc etc as if it were yesterday as it was so traumatic.

You say you are worried - you should be. Of course he will be affected if his father is starting to slap him around the face (even if only occasionally).

Pamelet - ds adores dh. He follows him around like a shadow.

I did cry when dh hit ds, and I told dh that that behaviour is completely unacceptable and removed ds immediately. It was awful having to console my ds. Ds had hit my dh I think out of curiosity, but dh hit him back, across the face and left a mark this incident happened in the middle east, so I had no one to turn to for help at that time. We were staying at his parents home.

The thing is, if your dh is a "good/loving dad" 90% of the time, then your poor ds will think that he is to blame for your dh's attacks ie) "I must be really bad to make my wonderful father do these things" How confusing.

Think of it this way- if you have an old dog and it is friendly most of the time, but bit you one day for no reason, you would forever be wary. That feeling would not just go away.

From a personal view point I was attacked by my father (as was my brother) by my father in the name of discipline

As a small child it is terrifying and traumatic. As an older child it is emotionally damaging, destroys your dignity, and still quite frightening.

Apparently it "never did him any harm as a child" well, if you discount the fact he is the most unhappy and f*d up man I have ever known, sure it didn't do him any harm.

DH is supposed to be the grown up in this situation!!!

3 year olds are really difficult to deal with I admit - I have to count to 10 sometimes - but violence is never the answer as others have said - and how can you slap a child round the face and expect them to not do the same to their peers?

Monkey see monkey do........

YANBU. It is perfectly possible to be strict and not physically violent to his children. Most of the best behaved, best mannered children I know are the children of parents who NEVER shout or do anything that could be interpreted as physically violent. They are just consistent, work in an agreed way with their partner (i.e. compromise from both) and very, very patient. But you know that.

I think a nice long talk about how you would like your child to be disciplined is on the cards. It amazes me that when we are planning to have children, we dont talk these things through more thoroughly (myself included) We talk about names, clothes, puschairs, cots, nursery furniture, brand of formula milk but not about actually bringing the children up. Good luck with the chat

dustyteddy would your DH do this in public?

Because if he did, he'd be reported and Social Services and the police would be round. How does that make you feel? Do you still feel like defending him?

Sorry to sound like I'm hounding you, but this is abuse. And you need to have zero tolerance for it. You only need one too hard hit for your child to be brain damaged. One accident is quite enough. You don't need several.

Oh and if he left a mark, then it is illegal. So if you aren't reporting him to the police, then unless you are setting down some very clear blue lines about how he behaves in future, you are colluding in your child's abuse. Just so you know.

Dusty - I'm sorry you haven't received more constructive support on this thread. Maybe many of the other posters are supremely calm but maybe no-one else is honest enough to admit that they too have lost their temper with their child. I certainly have.

Of course his behaviour is wrong and alarming. But it's the way he was parented and we all tend to use that as our default model unless we are shown a better way. I think you should continue to do what you are doing and lead by example. And ... I think you should choose a quiet calm time when you and DH are alone together and explain to him exactly how worried you are and the harm he could do to his son both emotionally and physically, spelling out what the consequences for your relationship will be if he doesn't modify his behaviour.

I had to do something very similar with my DH earlier this year. He was under extreme pressure at work and was taking it out on one of our sons in particular (aged 5) who seems to rub him up the wrong way more than the other. It culminated in an incident where DS kicked DH repeatedly and eventually DH kicked him back knocking him to the ground. I was horrified and immediately intervened. I thought I would never find the words to talk to DH about it and that he would never listen, especially given what an arrogant tosser he can be at times. However, he did listen. And he has not done anything remotely threatning to DS since. I am sure there will be times especially in DS adolescence where this issue comes back again but for now I have made it perfectly clear to DH what standards of behaviour are acceptable. But I have also talked with him about how hard parenting can be and how we neither of us had good role models in our own parents who were all violent. I have shown him some understanding which is why he listened. He knows however that my children come first because they need to be protected.

On re-reading this thread I can see that purple duck under the mistletoe has some very sensible things to say.

Good luck.

I disagree redhothead. I think the majority of posts are supportive and constructive. Most people are showing their concern and verbal support for her son?s wellbeing, constructive in their criticism of his unacceptable behaviour.
The question was posed - am I being unreasonable by the OP. Most people here have shown support by understanding why she would feel worried and upset by his behaviour.

"his unacceptable behaviour" - obv mean her DH not the sons!

"maybe no-one else is honest enough to admit that they too have lost their temper with their child. I certainly have."

To the extent that you have done something that if the authorities knew about it, would open you up to prosecution for assault?

Because that is what the OP's DH has done. It is extremely constructive to point that out, people need to know how serious it is so that they can't be undermined by the denial and pretence that it isn't such a big deal which inevitably happens in RL

Tell your dh that if your son tells a carer at nursery or a school teacher that his Daddy hits him in the face they will almost certainly contact child protection agencies.

dustyteddy My dad was Pakistani, sadly gone now. When my brother was probably the same age as your son, my brother would not give my Gran a kiss unless she gave him a present. This made my Dad angry and he slapped him so hard across the legs it left a large dark bruise for ages (can't remember details I was 5) My dad vowed near to hit any of his children again even though he was smacked because he couldn't control his temper. So he would put us in the old fashion corner facing the wall. I destroyed the wall paper there with my nails! We were even put in the basement(which is why I don't mind the dark)maybe for a short while. If you explain to him that the advantage to your DH is that your son is punished but you can walk away and only come back when the kid stops crying. This still works very well with my DS. My DH who is very different from my Dad can see the value of this and we totally agree on this point. I hope this is of some help.

One of my students did tell me a few years ago that his dad had a) grabbed him by the arms & shaken him, leaving fingerprint bruises on his forearms & b) hit him across the face.

I did indeed pass that on to child protection.

Does your dh accept that this is absolutely not on? Because if he's trying to justify it, I'd be gone taking ds with me, I'm afraid.