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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

in thinking that if it's generally accepted that the family is usually the best place to raise children....

433 replies

gabygirl · 16/12/2008 10:08

...... (except in cases where there is serious abuse and neglect) when it comes to the care system, why so many people seem to abandon this principle when it comes to the issue of boarding school?

I haven't been able to stop thinking about this issue all morning. Last night I sat up until midnight watching that documentary on channel 4 about the boys who were abused at Caldicott. It stirred up so many sad feelings in me and made me cry. I felt so sorry for those men.

I went to boarding school myself at the age of 11 and although I wasn't sexually abused, I was so starved of intimacy and affection in my relationships for the next 5 years that it really affected my sexuality when I finally became sexually active at 15.

Did anyone else see it? The other thing that was sad about the film was the men's desperation to protect their parents against the knowledge that they'd exposed them to abuse, and in one case turned a blind eye to it even after they knew it had happened.

OP posts:
claw3 · 17/12/2008 08:53

Cory - Dont get me wrong, there have been times, when i think i dont like you very much of my own kids! but the difference being i still love them and they know that. With teachers without the 'liking' the kids have nothing.

Agreed, im sure there are some situations where boarding schools are the best or only options.

jimjamshaslefttheyurt · 17/12/2008 08:58

Varies according to child, family and school.

Like most things.

claw3 · 17/12/2008 09:03

Scary - Pretty cold and wet here too!

'Teachers respond to students as they do to other human beings - some they like, some they don't - and it isn't academically related'. Thats my point, teachers cant help but to like or dislike children or adults, the same as everyone else. When its your own child you love them unconditionally, something boarding school or school cant provide.

needmorecoffee · 17/12/2008 09:03

I'm finding myself agreeing with Xenia. I think I need a sit down

bloss · 17/12/2008 09:10

Message withdrawn

claw3 · 17/12/2008 09:13

Bloss - All im saying is that teachers cant and dont love a kid unconditional, like a parent does or would you disagree with that?

scaryteacher · 17/12/2008 09:17

I don't think that anyone is expecting a boarding school to provide that - I certainly don't; however, I do know that they are staffed by people like Bloss and my closest friend; and that the staff whether they like a child or not, will act professionally. Let's face it, teachers have to keep a distance at state schools - I got into trouble for hugging a really upset student once, but it was instinct as a mum kicking in, so they will at boarding schools too.

You also have a mix at boarding schools now of full time boarding, flexi boarding and day pupils, and the kids move in and out of that as required. If ds goes, he will board for a year, with my mum 10 minutes away by the time she's got out of the house and into the car (5 minutes in the car), if there are any problems. I'd be going back every 3 weeks for exeat and he'd be here for half terms. Once I'm back permanently, then I'd go back to work to pay the fees and he'd be a day boy for the rest of the time.

I boarded at 16 and loved it - I didn't feel any less loved, but I had a damn sight more freedom than my Dad would have given me at home. If ds doesn't go now, he will at 16, so he stands on his own two feet for a bit with some support, which is what a lot of this is about for me .

TheFalconInThePearTree · 17/12/2008 09:25

I find myself agreeing with Xenia too. The horror.

However my partner went to boarding school when he was 13 and he loved it. He'd asked to go though which may have made a difference.

He's very keen for our future children to go to boarding school but I'm not. I think it's an unnatural enviroment and a poor substitute for a loving home.

I do believe that it can benefit some children but I can't really understand why people want to send their children to a boarding school, and the thought of sending children who don't want to go makes me ill.

scaryteacher · 17/12/2008 09:26

I think also, whilst I love my son unconditionally, I can be objective about him as a person too. It's not a case of my child right or wrong; I can see his good and his bad points, and try to help him work on the latter whilst praising the former.

For me, part of parenting is making what are tough choices about him. I don't want him to go to boarding school; not because I'm against them, I'm not at all; but because I enjoy having him around. However, given timings of job moves, the standard of the schools out here etc, it may come to it that we decide to send him to board. That's tough love; it will have benefits for him in the long run though and I can see that.

TheFalconInThePearTree · 17/12/2008 09:28

Watching the programme about Glenalmond didn't exactly endear the idea of it to me either.

claw3 · 17/12/2008 09:30

Scary - Im sure everything possible is done at boarding school to make children feel at home etc, im not doubting that. But without unconditional love, you are never truly accepted for what you are.

At 16, boarding school would be no different from going to Uni or whatever. But in younger years, very important emotional and psychological needs are not met. Hugs, kisses, being touched, being able to get into bed with mum or dad during a thunder storm, for a bedtime story etc, etc.

Learning about relationships by watching mum or dad and how they interact with others.

Poppycake · 17/12/2008 09:37

Also take into account the fact that some teenagers really need some other adults to bounce off apart from parents (back in medieval society it was normal for the higher echelons of society to effectively "swap" children for a couple of years - teenagers don't change!). Obviously there are ways of doing this without going to boarding school, but it is one advantage. Some parents do have real difficulty dealing with strong willed teenage children, and those children thrive in a situation where they are given more independence (and thus - the family relationship is strengthened! Someone asked that a while back).

And no, the boarding house I was working in wasn't very big, so we could have close relationships with the girls. And (as is the case in many schools) the boarding house had our house built into it. So it wasn't some low-paid unenviable job - it was a great job! And often those who are not teachers are SRNs. So not unqualified people either. Just to dispel a few myths there

scaryteacher · 17/12/2008 09:38

But how unconditional is love? If your dc turned out to be an axe wielding homicidal maniac who preyed on young mums; or a pimp or a drug dealer, or a child abuser or a wife beater, would you still love them unconditionally?

My father was a serial adulterer, and I don't know what I felt for him by the time he died, but I am sure that it was not unconditional love.

edam · 17/12/2008 09:40

The idea that boarding school teaches children not to blub is so old fashioned. It goes right back to what I said earlier about boarding schools flourishing in the days when society wanted to break the attachments between parents and children in order to create Empire builders.

Poppycake · 17/12/2008 09:44

claw3 - you've just jogged a memory of a thunderstorm... I was in with the 8-10 year olds (that young, they were all forces children). We all had hot choc and watched the lightning - much delighted squealing. Of course, they were much less scared because the four of them were together in any case. Really, it's not that bad!

I don't want my dds to go to boarding school at all, because I rather like them around, but not because I think they would be so damaged by it. And I could see that by sixth form they might actually like it - or if they were choristers, or all sorts of reasons why it might seem like a sensible option. I wouldn't close my mind to it.

claw3 · 17/12/2008 09:47

Scary - Do you know any 6 year old axe wielding homicidal maniacs?

We are talking about unconditional love of children, who perhaps if they had received unconditional love, wouldnt turn into axe wielding homicidal maniacs, but thats another discussion entirely!!!

I think we are going round in circles now

AndHeaVanAnnNatureSing · 17/12/2008 09:49

Haven't read the whole thread, but thought I'd add my bit My sister went to boarding school when she was about 15. I was desparate to go to one as well, but my parents wouldn't let me. I wanted to be out of the shadow of my family, and be a bit more independent. That's something I only finally managed when I went to university. The only problem my sister had with her boarding school was that a lot of the pupils were German, and sme of them decided she was Jewish so she had a lot of trouble with them (not saying all Germans are anti-Semetic, but she did have some trouble with this)

cory · 17/12/2008 09:52

The majority boarding school kids don't go at the age of 6- that is relatively rare these days. Much more common is for them to start at 11.

And what would be your solution to small isolated communities, Claw? Not all communities are as mobile and easily dismantled as those of urban professionals. If your family have been fishermen for generations, upping sticks and moving is a big thing to do. And fishermen these days need more than a village school education.

claw3 · 17/12/2008 09:53

Poppy - Im sure boarding school isnt a horror story. Just that being in a loving family home, is the better option where possible.

claw3 · 17/12/2008 09:54

Cory - Thought we agreed earlier on this?

That in some situations boarding school is the best or only option.

cory · 17/12/2008 09:56

that's all right then

StephanieByng · 17/12/2008 09:59

No, prioritising the needs of your kids doesn't mean thinking the world revolves around them. Your post clearly illustrates that you don't understand what prioritising them actually means. You are falling back on a ridiculous parody of the idea. So it's either send em off to school or keep them home and they will be selfish little monsters with fawning parents?

Well, if that is what helps you to justify your views to yourself....

scaryteacher · 17/12/2008 10:02

Claw, sometimes boarding school, given the circumstances of a particular community or family is the best option, especially as Cory has illustrated.

No I didn't teach primary so couldn't comment on 6 year olds; but I saw the potential in a couple of 12 year olds I taught. They used to send a chill down my spine and that was at state school; and from what I know, they were not loved unconditionally, neither had living at home met their emotional and psychological needs.

claw3 · 17/12/2008 10:03

Stephanie - Are you replying to me?

Cory - Waves back ive got to go, nice chatting

StephanieByng · 17/12/2008 10:04

Just because as adults in the light of what we know about parents we may not love them unconditionally, does not mean that children do not need to live in an environment where they are loved unconditionally.