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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

in thinking that if it's generally accepted that the family is usually the best place to raise children....

433 replies

gabygirl · 16/12/2008 10:08

...... (except in cases where there is serious abuse and neglect) when it comes to the care system, why so many people seem to abandon this principle when it comes to the issue of boarding school?

I haven't been able to stop thinking about this issue all morning. Last night I sat up until midnight watching that documentary on channel 4 about the boys who were abused at Caldicott. It stirred up so many sad feelings in me and made me cry. I felt so sorry for those men.

I went to boarding school myself at the age of 11 and although I wasn't sexually abused, I was so starved of intimacy and affection in my relationships for the next 5 years that it really affected my sexuality when I finally became sexually active at 15.

Did anyone else see it? The other thing that was sad about the film was the men's desperation to protect their parents against the knowledge that they'd exposed them to abuse, and in one case turned a blind eye to it even after they knew it had happened.

OP posts:
StephanieByng · 16/12/2008 10:17

Totally agree with you. Boarding school is not family. Children need family to nurture them to their full potential.

Sorry to hear about your own experience; I too watched the programme last night.

sparklyxmasfairy · 16/12/2008 10:20

I have never really explored this but family members where educated in boarding schools but made a point of never sending their children to one despite saying they had been happy there

don't know what that means

VinegarTitsTheSeasonToBeJolly · 16/12/2008 10:23

I didnt watch it, but i do agree with you, only know one person who went to boarding school and they clearly have a detached emotions when it come to affection, unlike anyone i have ever met, now that may not be down to him going to boarding school, but even he admits it affected him so what

VinegarTitsTheSeasonToBeJolly · 16/12/2008 10:23

I didnt watch it, but i do agree with you, only know one person who went to boarding school and they clearly have a detached emotions when it come to affection, unlike anyone i have ever met, now that may not be down to him going to boarding school, but even he admits it affected him so what

VinegarTitsTheSeasonToBeJolly · 16/12/2008 10:24

I didnt watch it, but i do agree with you, only know one person who went to boarding school and they clearly have a detached emotions when it come to affection, unlike anyone i have ever met, now that may not be down to him going to boarding school, but even he admits it affected him so what

VinegarTitsTheSeasonToBeJolly · 16/12/2008 10:24

I didnt watch it, but i do agree with you, only know one person who went to boarding school and they clearly have a detached emotions when it come to affection, unlike anyone i have ever met, now that may not be down to him going to boarding school, but even he admits it affected him so what

VinegarTitsTheSeasonToBeJolly · 16/12/2008 10:24

I didnt watch it, but i do agree with you, only know one person who went to boarding school and they clearly have a detached emotions when it come to affection, unlike anyone i have ever met, now that may not be down to him going to boarding school, but even he admits it affected him so what

VinegarTitsTheSeasonToBeJolly · 16/12/2008 10:24

I didnt watch it, but i do agree with you, only know one person who went to boarding school and they clearly have a detached emotions when it come to affection, unlike anyone i have ever met, now that may not be down to him going to boarding school, but even he admits it affected him so what

VinegarTitsTheSeasonToBeJolly · 16/12/2008 10:24

sorry for multi posts again!

VinegarTitsTheSeasonToBeJolly · 16/12/2008 10:24

sorry for multi posts again!

cory · 16/12/2008 10:24

Don't let's forget that there are excellent families whose circumstances make it difficult to provide an education for their children at home. We have several forces families on Mumsnet. They do need to get their children educated.

Also, don't let's forget that sexual abuse doesn't just happen at boarding school. The most common place is at home. And that may not mean abusive parents either; it may be a trusted cousin or uncle and the parents may be totally unsuspecting. Abuse happens at day schools too. It happens anywhere.

VinegarTitsTheSeasonToBeJolly · 16/12/2008 10:25

and i meant some what, not so what

MerryMadMarg · 16/12/2008 10:25

VT - you're really not having any luck with your keyboard, are you?!

MerryMadMarg · 16/12/2008 10:25

VT - you're really not having any luck with your keyboard, are you?!

MerryMadMarg · 16/12/2008 10:26

And now me too

Mamazontopofsanta · 16/12/2008 10:27

i don't think the Op is really saying that this is just about the possibility of abuse,. of course this can happen to anyone anywhere.

i don't think i could ever send my children to boarding school, but i don't judge those who do.

StephanieByng · 16/12/2008 10:29

No I think the OP is about two seperate issues; abuse can happen anywhere, but she's also talking about boarding school NOT being a family which is seen as the optimum way to nurture children and has been since time immemorial

Soph73 · 16/12/2008 10:35

I went to boarding school between the ages of 15 & 18 and, although found it difficult at first, had a great time. Having said that I would never send my children to one unless there was no other option. I consider myself to be loving & caring and feel very sorry for those people who have had a bad experience. I agree with the OP about it not being the same as being at home but good boarding schools do have a family atmosphere. In my case it also helped that classes were small so we all got individual attention & you couldn't get away with not doing your homework.

piscesmoon · 16/12/2008 10:44

I don't think it is a black and white subject. Many people use them to create stability, for example if they move around a lot with their job it is often better to keep school and friendships stable-I know people who have been emotionally damaged by being continually moved. I think they are very different these days. I wouldn't send my DC to one, I would miss such a lot of their childhood, but I don't think they can just be dismissed as bad for all.

Libraloveschristmas1975 · 16/12/2008 10:44

"I went to boarding school myself at the age of 11 and although I wasn't sexually abused, I was so starved of intimacy and affection in my relationships for the next 5 years that it really affected my sexuality when I finally became sexually active at 15. "

Well I say to you it was your parents fault and it would have happened even if you had stayed at home because I went to boarding school and not for ONE minute did my parents make me think this was because they didn't love me or want me and I had plenty of affection from my parents during holidays and in the letters they sent and the visits they made. You can blame your issues on your boarding school if you want tho.

scaryteacher · 16/12/2008 10:46

As Cory says, many families, especially Forces families, have no option but to send their children to boarding school for continuity of education. Sometimes, given what servicemen do, and where they are sent, boarding school is the best option.

I know several people who have been to boarding school, including my dh, my db, his wife and my dbil and his wife, and they all have happy, functioning long marriages and kids. They are neither emotionally retarded; nor were they abused at boarding school; and my dbs boys go to boarding school, as my son might from September. Db and my dh are in the Forces.

I really don't feel that you can extrapolate from a couple of bad experiences that all boarding schools are like that.

StephanieByng · 16/12/2008 10:53

But I think the OP has a really good point in saying that the state, via the care system, sees the family situation as optimum.

Whether some people choose it to create stability etc is a personal choice based on their career choice, it's not a necessity and that doesn't mean the family situation is not optimum - it just means their situation is not optimum because of their own choice

nickytinseltimes · 16/12/2008 10:53

I don't dislike boarding schools because of the abuse - I was abused by my teacher at a state comp.

However, I do not see the point of sending kids away unless they are 16 and think of it as a great adventure. I can't imagine anything worse!

blueshoes · 16/12/2008 10:55

I have my reservations about boarding school.

But I also have quite a few colleagues with older children approaching their teens who asked to go to boarding school despite the cost to their parents who would have preferred them at home. AFAIK, these children are having a great time. So I keep an open mind when it comes to older children.

Agree that Forces children do not always have a choice.

chickenfortea · 16/12/2008 10:55

My DH went to boarding school from age 9 and he has a friendly but detached relationship with his parents. Tbh though I think this is more down to the type of parents they are. He has good relationships with everyone else he knows and can bond with anyone from any walk of life (its one of his traits I am most envious of)

My DS's go to a prep school with 60 borders and having seen the way it works there I would have no trouble boarding them if needs be. Luckily they offer flexible boarding so they could go just for one night a week. Just got to work out how to pay for it!