in thinking that if it's generally accepted that the family is usually the best place to raise children....

[gabygirl]

...... (except in cases where there is serious abuse and neglect) when it comes to the care system, why so many people seem to abandon this principle when it comes to the issue of boarding school?

I haven't been able to stop thinking about this issue all morning. Last night I sat up until midnight watching that documentary on channel 4 about the boys who were abused at Caldicott. It stirred up so many sad feelings in me and made me cry. I felt so sorry for those men.

I went to boarding school myself at the age of 11 and although I wasn't sexually abused, I was so starved of intimacy and affection in my relationships for the next 5 years that it really affected my sexuality when I finally became sexually active at 15.

Did anyone else see it? The other thing that was sad about the film was the men's desperation to protect their parents against the knowledge that they'd exposed them to abuse, and in one case turned a blind eye to it even after they knew it had happened.

scaryteacher,
I appreciate what you're saying about the difficulties forces people experience educating their children. My dad had 3 year postings. Prior to the age of 11 we moved country every three years - I loved it, though my mum found it a terrible strain.

I have to say though, I look back and feel that we all made huge sacrifices so that my dad could have the career that he wanted: none of us 3 children was particularly happy in boarding school, my mum was on medication long term because she was so miserable about being separated from us and she sacrificed her career in order to follow my dad around the world. I feel my dad could have had an interesting job back at home - maybe not quite as exciting as being in the FO, but still - there are lots of people resident in the UK who have jobs they love, it wouldn't have been impossible for him to have been happy at home. I feel that we were all trapped in a sort of 1950's mentality that valued the needs and the work of the male head of the household above everything else

gabygirl - part of mne and DH decision when choosing schooling for our children is to consider which school best fits their academic needs.
DS1 loves Maths Science and Rugby (not always in that order). We are considering going further afield as the local school has only just been pulled out of special measures. I d live rurally so there is not a large selection, in fact only 2 secondaries within 15 miles.

Their current prep school has two fantastic house parents with whom I would love to go and stay for the weekend! They also have several gapper students who are also there all the time.

The boarding here is so good that the children have a real pester power in requesting a stay. My Ds is in year 4 and have been asking since the start of term to do Friday boarding before Saturday school. Like I said before just wish I could afford it!

since when are home educated children deprived of friends their own age? I get very tired of that myth. Surely its better to HE than not see your kids for weeks on end?

I said SOME adults, if you choose to read YOU into that statement that is your reading and if you want to talk about "disrespectful" , you are, by starting this thread, disrespecting all parents who choose to send their children to boarding school, however it is your opinion and you are entitled to it, just don't get all uppity when someone disagrees with you.

Didn't you have matrons in your school, they were the cuddly ones.

I said SOME adults, if you choose to read YOU into that statement that is your reading and if you want to talk about "disrespectful" , you are, by starting this thread, disrespecting all parents who choose to send their children to boarding school, however it is your opinion and you are entitled to it, just don't get all uppity when someone disagrees with you.

Didn't you have matrons in your school, they were the cuddly ones.

sorry doubel post

Don't all children have similar needs academically: to be taught in classes reasonably free from disruption by well qualified and well-motivated teachers? I should think that children who aren't interested in maths or science need and deserve just as good teaching as children who are fascinated with the subject. More so maybe.

"However I do think that some adults looking for something to blame for their problems blame boarding school and have this mythical view that everything
would have been roses and light if they had stayed at home"

Have you personally attended boarding school then? Because I think that unless you've personally done it, then any view is purely an opinion and has no basis. Even if you send your children to boarding school you cannot be 100% sure of how they have been affected by the experience.

I went to boarding school from the age of 5. As a weekly boarder until I was 11 and then as a term boarder.

At the time it was seen as a necessity as I attended a school for the blind, and inclusion didn't exist back then and disabled people simply weren't educated in mainstream.

On the one hand I believe that I benefited from the experience. I am far more independent than I believe I would have been if I'd been a day pupil, I made lots of life-long friends who I am still friends with to this day, and I think I received a decent education.

But it was to the detriment of the relationship with my family. And some of these things I've only really realized since I had my own ds.

When you are away from your parents for nine months of the year you simply cannot have the kind of relationship you would have if you went home every day. Yes you can speak on the phone every day/write letters home if you so choose but it's simply not the same.

I never knew what it was like to walk home from school and tell my parents about my day. Or go to my bedroom after school and play with my toys (you just can't take lots of toys to boarding school so have to play with the ones they have there). Even if you're ill at boarding school you get to go and sleep in the sick bay - you don't get the option of going home for some tlc from mummy.

I never had my birthday at home unless my birthday fell on a weekend, and then that only lasted until I was 11 and my parents moved away and I became a term boarder. My parents didn't know my friends, they knew their names but didn't know who they were - sometimes if they came down for a weekend I would bring a friend but it certainly wasn't the stream of people in and out of their house that other children have. Similarly they never knew any of my boyfriends other than by name.

I liked my school and term boarding had its advantages - all the good things happened at weekends, and my parents didn't know the half of what I got up to. And I certainly wasn't abused.

But now I live round the corner from my parents and even now I don't feel I will ever have that close relationship with them because I never had it when I was growing up.

I didn't know any different as a child because that was all I'd ever known and that was normal to me. But now that I have my own child I cannot even contemplate the thought of sending him away, of him going to bed alone without anyone to tuck him in at night and not seeing him for days at a time.

It's only really now that i realize the effect that boarding school had on my relationship with my parents, now that my ds is the same age I was when I first went to boarding school.

Going for a year or two is of course far different to going for years at a time, a 16 year old has the capasity to decide what he/she wants to do, but any younger than that is too young IMO.

GG - I spent years weekending so I could have my career. Moving abroad is the first time I've moved to be with my dh in 20 years. He earns 3 times what I did in teaching, so there was no contest in who should give up work. His pension is also much better as is his lump sum. Being horribly practical, we can live on his salary, we couldn't on mine. He also enjoys his job far more than I enjoyed teaching, and he thrives (as maybe your Dad did) on having a new challenge and job to get his teeth into every couple of years. It would drive both of us mad having him home and bored.

My dh boarded from 9, and loved it, as did his brother. My db boarded from 11. I know many kids now who board and have a great time, including my nephew. My closest friend is a housemistress and makes it a priority to know all her girls, and to create a home from home for them, exactly as she would want it to be for her own girls. It works for some.

Chickenfortea - it sounds like my ds's prep in Devon, before we moved abroad - not Tavistock by any chance?

NMC - I think that the poster who commented about home ed lived in Australia, so there would be a problem with friends if you were the only kids within 100 miles.

Yes of course all children have general educational needs, such as free from disruption etc but some children have specific education needs, some sporty, some academic, some arty.
Surely we should chose a school that suits the child rather than put in an "average" school and hope for the best.

scaryteacher - no East Sussex!

It sounds just like Mount House where ds went.

ScareyTeacher - I too have weekended for about 7 or 8 out of the last 10-11 years. It is OK sometimes, but grinds you down over time. It recently (partly at least) led to him having an affair and all of the stress that that holds.

I am going to live with him next year which means moving pimary schools, and I wouldn't have done that when my eldest was in high school.

Both his sisters went to boarding school, and have really close relationships with both their parents.

Maybe people are saying that forces personnel should not have children? Or subjucate their entire lives and all their needs to their children if they do?

Wouldn't get many takers on that one I think.

My mother and her siblings were all sent aged 8. The 2 girls were fine being robust, sporty and sociable. Plus they had each other.

My lovely uncle has been adversely affected. He is bookish, quiet and thoughtful and had a hellish time at his illustrious public school. He failed all his exams (passed them fine when he left the school and went to a sixth form college). He never married and needs to live alone away from people. Totally the wrong environment for him. So I suppose it depends on the personality of the child and ethos of the school. If those clash it can go horribly wrong IMO.

nope Vinehall, I think there are definately a mix of boarding schools out there, I guess it may also depend on the age of the children involved, At our school they can board from 8-13.
The staff make it so homely and from discussions with the house parents I know they take the responsibility for their "extra children" very very seriously.

TheButterflyEffect
darn, thats what I was doing wrong. Going to all them HE groups and camps.
If the cellar of shame wasn't already occupied by dd, I'd park the other kids in it

AYCMD - same happened to my mum, so I feel for you. Weekending does grind you down; and six weeking between Brussels and Cornwall was getting to be unbearable, which was I moved when we were told he had another appointment out here. I think some people on here really do not understand how Forces life works, and are glib and smug about 'putting dc's needs first'. I don't know any Forces parents who don't do that - but what a dc needs, is not necessarily what a dc wants imo.

CFT - my ds used to to tell me that the houseparents were more fun than me, and he didn't board.

I can see that scaryteacher I would suspect mine think anyone is more fun than me!!

Yes I went to boarding school from 10-16. My father is of the opinion the one thing he could give us (apart from love and he didn't think he needed to spell that one out) was a good education. We lived abroad at the time and they believed sending us to boarding school was the best parenting decision they could make.

I am amazed that anyone thinks you can have a blanket answer for every family, life style, DC and school!

I thought this was quite interesting:

www.monbiot.com/archives/2008/01/22/unsentimental-education/

My sister and I went to boarding school, in the very genuine belief that the stability it would provide would be beneficial for us both (forces).

My sister was, lets put it kindly, a troubled and difficult child, and was being seen by ed psyc for school related probs at 6. There was a general perception that moving frequently (I once spent a single term in one primary) was not helping her at all. She went at nearly 11. She definitely views it that my parents "got rid" of her.

But I don't think that if she was at home she would have been better off. Her relationship with my mum was fraught, and deteriorated - to the extent that there is no communication between them now. I think boarding protected her in some ways as the school was fairly physically isolated, thus making the worst sort of teenage mistakes quite difficult to execute. She would have had more opportunity to really cock up if she had been at home. I think she would have been the person she is now, regardless of where she was educated, regardless of whether or not she was in the home. She was quite determined, and still is, to blame all her woes on my mother. She has, in my private opinion, a personality disorder. Who can say what could have better ameliorated that?

I asked to go at 8 rising 9, because I was fed up with having to move all the time, and could see what opportunities my sister had particularly extra-curricular. I still have a clear (child's eye) memory of being really upset that I did the vikings twice in topic, but never the romans. I loved being at boarding school. I am both sporty and academic. It served me well. I have an excellent and, since having children, improving relationship with my parents. I viewed their home as my home, until I bought my first house. I wonder if actually I also benefitted from not being at home with my sister all the time (she really did dictate the family dynamic, at all times).

So "functional" or "not functional" family unit, some will get on with boarding, and do well, and others will not.

What gets me is that boarding is relentlessly cited by my sister as the reason for any failure in her subsequent life. She cannot accept that actually it gave her some of the few formal qualifications she has, and a lot of other life skills too boot. Like all things in life it is neither all good, or all bad.

Most of the time it was really quite boring.

My DH went to boarding school, and says they were the best days of his life (pre-me, natch!!!) and is keen for our sons to experience it too. I think people who have boarded either love it or hate it, like Marmite.