to find this an awful thing for a mother to say about their own child

[Lowfat]

I know of a mum - she is not a friend or in anyway connected directly me. But I read an e-mail she had written to someone who is directly connected to me where she had written about her own SN child

"I wish XXXX was normal so I could buy them a Nintendo DS" The DC is about 6 and is her only child.

I know parents of SN children who would find her comment quite offensive and upsetting.

The person she wrote the e-mail to does not know how to respond to this comment and is wondering if they just ignore it. They have asked me what I would say, but apart from feeling very shocked and sad at her comment I also dont know what to say.

Who knows what difficult and complex feelings this person is struggling with. I wouldn't be tempted to judge at all. I'm sure it is only one facet of her feelings for her child.

No need for recipient to respond specifically?

maybe it is a wish of a mother that at xmas, she could buy her childsomething that so many other children have , and that she did not feel that her child was missing out or not getting things that NT children get...

i actually don;t thikn it is is offensive or upsetting, but perhaps a poignant wish of hers and maybe before you condemn, you should maybe try to understand ?

but i have two NT children, so mabye am not qualified to commetn

I can't help feeling that you shouldn't have been shown the email nor should you be posting about it on here. The mother could be a Mner.

what lulu said, cos she always says it so well.
i am sure she wan't being neagative towards her child, just saddened somehow.

I wonder what she meant? My mum called me worse - although 'normal' would have been a complete insult to me as a kid!

Sounds more like a wistful thought than anything offensive.

Sounds like bitterness breaking out.

Totally different from if someone else had said it.

I think the OP is a little naïve if she finds this shocking.

Well, however much she loves her child, she's allowed to feel regret that there are differences in her experience of being a parent from those that others have. Having an SN child doesn't automatically give a parent the patience and equanimity of a plaster saint. She has regrets. What's so terrible about that?

I agree, it sounds wistful.

i think she might just wishing, we all. I say "i wish dd would be more/better at ect," hardly a sin. Unless you have a SN child you have no idea

I don't think it's in any way awful. I have said many a similar thing about my dd..i.e I wish DD could walk so she can run around with the other kids, I wish dd wasn't born with this, so I could buy her a bike for xmas etc etc.
It's not a reflection of feelings for the child, it's a mother venting her pain that this is almost certainly not what she had expected of motherhood and being sad at that 'loss' at least it is with me.
I love my DD 1000% it doesn't stop me wishing things were different sometimes.

Sorry if I have offended, that was not my intention, but I was asked my opinion by the recipitant.

And I was genuinely shocked by the comment, as none of my friends have ever even expressed the feeling that they wish their DC's was anything different than who they are.

Will tell the recipitant it is up to them to respond or not as they see fit.

And as suggested keep my nose out.

Agree with Doodle and cory and Anna, well most people really! I am sure there are many things that parents of SN children regret that their kids won't be able to access. I would have thought that would be a very normal thought to express and I think the person who has the e-mail should reply positively rather than being shocked!

I'm sure she was joking. MY son has sn and because of that )?) he is unusual for a 3 yr old and has ZERO interest in tv. Couldn't even look at the tv long enough to realise the screen is moving, that there's a story to be followed. My dc1 could follow something like peppa pig from about 20 months!!

Fact. Sometimes it would be nice if my son could chill out and watch backyardigans

Agree with Lisa, unless you have experience of being in her situation or similar you really don't have any right to deem this as awful, you have no idea.

As a comment out of context (both the context of the email, and the context of this mum's life) it is impossible to pass judgemnet.

who knows what her situation is? or what she struggles with?

FWIW, I wish I could buy "easy" age-appropriate presents for my dd1 (who is SN).

It is a real stuggle, year after year, to find something that she will like and enjoy, which is simultaneoulsy different enough from her other toys to be worth buying yet similar enough for her to play with.

I wish I could buy her a DS or similar (when she is a couple of years older).

and it is this struggle at times like Christmas which really brings home to me the ever-widening gulf between her and her peers.

At most other times she is just my dd1. But when I get repeatedly asked what she would like for Christmas, it is very difficult to answer... A "normal" toy/present would be so useful...

I think it was the mum just venting. I wouldn't have used the word 'normal' though.
I wish dd didn't have cerebral palsy and often phrase it as 'I wish she could X or Y'. I'd cure dd tomorrow so she could do the things other children do. Its not insulting to dd as a person but who wouldn't wish their child wasn't quadraplegic. And it is little things like seeing other kids play Nintendo or with dolls or ride a bike that makes your heart hurt

YABU - if any of my dc had special needs I would wish that they were normal too. It's a perfectly reasonable wish.

I do wish my son could speak. He has a severe speech delay. I do wish that he didn't have global developmental delays across the board. I do wish that he didn't have so many autistic bahaviours because even something tiny like buying a new coat can be exhausting because he resists change and doesn't want a new coat.

He has to hold a pair of real car keys aLL the time which is hard. I constantly fear he'll lose them.

He's himself and I wouldn't swap HIM, but sometimes I wish he behaved in a more normal way, if he can.

ummm, agree with other posters. i have 2 boys with SN and this is something i have said in the past tbh. mine arent interested in anything. they dont want anything and whatever they do get wont be played with in an appropriate way. if you have a child with sn you can say what you like. you cant understand if you have an NT child. sorry

I worked with a woman once who was talking about her 2 dd, (both adults) she said, oh dd1 may look good when she is done up, but underneath she is a complete dog, not like my dd2 who has natural beauty

ooh now that is quite shocking!!

I know exactly what she means.

I struggle every year with what to buy ds1. He's 9. He can't read, can't watch videos, can't draw, can't play handheld games.

This year I eventually came up with idea of a keyboard. I have no idea whether he'll love it/touch it/ignore it or hate it.

I used to weep at ds1's total lack of interest in presents. (Try giving a child a load of presents just for them to not even remotely understand about the concept of opening them for a kick in the guts). Now we work around it. I'll take him moor walking on xmas day as he'll enjoy that far more.

There's no comaprison between ds1's experience of xmas and ds2 and ds3'. For a long time I found that very upsetting (and to be honest all the neurotypical xmas messages on tv still set my teeth on edge). I don't really find it upsetting anymore but I can imagine why someone would have written the above.