to find this an awful thing for a mother to say about their own child

[Lowfat]

I know of a mum - she is not a friend or in anyway connected directly me. But I read an e-mail she had written to someone who is directly connected to me where she had written about her own SN child

"I wish XXXX was normal so I could buy them a Nintendo DS" The DC is about 6 and is her only child.

I know parents of SN children who would find her comment quite offensive and upsetting.

The person she wrote the e-mail to does not know how to respond to this comment and is wondering if they just ignore it. They have asked me what I would say, but apart from feeling very shocked and sad at her comment I also dont know what to say.

That's the spirit, Coldtits! All those Misguided People need you!

Poor Lowfat!
What the lady said in the email reminds me of a lady I saw on TV years ago whose ds had severe SNs. She said "You love the child but you hate the disability"
As SNs go I have a relatively easy ride, ds1 has ADD and ds2 has dyspraxia. I wouldn't change either of them but I do know that it would be easier for them if they didn't have these conditions.

Reply to OP only. I have a son with an autistic spectrum disorder and adhd and I often have painful and complicated thoughts. I quite often wish he wasn't disabled. I have been known to think of the things we could do if he wasn't.

It would be so much easier for him, not to mention me and his dad and his brother and his grandparents and everyone.

It's terrible to love someone so much and to be made sad by them too.

That just sounds like wishful thinking.

Coldtits I feel angry for your ds

YABU.

firstly you should never have been shown the email but secondly who are you to pass judgment of someone who deals with Sn every day of her life?

she was probably thinking aloud and i can totally understand what she means.

Ds is very difficult to buy for as he is very obsessional about a small amount of things. there are only so many of the same toy made.

maybe "normal" is not the pc term but i fully understand why she would say it given she (thought) was talking to a freind.

Not offended, but YABU IMO.

I wish I were twenty pounds lighter, too.

I wish I were less grey.

Hell, I wish I were 'normal'.

please read all of the thread.. OP has already been through the wringer and has apologised.

Lots of people seem to have got angry on this thread, but it's been very illuminating, and I think Lowfat opened a very useful debate - please don't go.

Coldtits, how bloody awful of your DS's school. Did you complain?

I suppose, when you think about it, there are lots of things you would change about someone without actually exchanging them for someone else!
For instance I wish my dh was not scared of heights so that we could have Christmas lights on the upper eaves of our house instead of just over the porch! Doesn't mean I don't love him!

Just finished reading this interesting and emotional thread but something kept popping up and i'm sorry but what does NT stand for?

Neurotypical, often. It may have other meanings. Hth.

Neurotypical? adds new mn word to vocab
Thx for that

SOmetimes people share things as they are concerned or want help etc BUT that is not the true motive.

I am with the others who think this has been a betrayal of the mum who wrote the email. I would be incredibly hurt if something I had said in possibly a low moment or a poignant moment was then shared with someone who really had nothing to do with me.

i don't find her comment offensive or upsetting in the least. I find it truthful and it seems to be a bit of wistfulness about it. Wondering what if. how much easier it would be of she could just get them a nintendo ds.

I recall a situation I was in that really stuck with me. A couple of days after dd1 was born - wtih down syndrome and a heart defect ( which were both known about) 2 days post emergency c-section - looking at my child in heart failure in ICU and then SCBU - I visited her late and night and was teary. Deservedly so - fgs I was having an ultrasound one moment - the next I am having a c-section and my daughter is taken straight to ICU>

Anyway - I noticed in dd1's notes that someone had noted that I had visited and was very teary. I got cross - I thought fgs I am not allowed to be hormonal and emotional etc and you know what - I never shed another tear in that place!! I felt betrayed and felt like I was being watched and judged. I know part of it was dd1's care and they needed to make sure dh and I were also okay BUT i felt that if I did not have 'permission" ( for want of a better word) to be teary then - when could I be.

If that other mum ever knows that this has happened - she may feel that she has been betrayed - something that she shared with a friend has been shared without her permission and she may not share again. I wouldn't in her position.

I don't think your friend necessarily deserves all this criticism. She is only doing what you are doing, seeking advice on how to respond.

DS has Asperger's Syndrome. I have too, have suspected it since I he was dx'd a year ago, but had it confirmed in September.

Sometimes I wish he didn't have it. Sometimes I wish I didn't have it. Sometimes I think I'm a total freak and I hate myself, as I struggle with relationships.

But mostly I love my son for who he is, and I'm coming to accept that it is who I am. I couldn't imagine not having it because I would no longer be me - I'm fortunate in that it does give some abilities as well.

It may be a cry for help, it may be a cry of frustration. It doesn't deserve condemnation.

And yes NT is neurotypical, as opposed to ND - neurodiverse (which I am!)

perhaps she does not need a response - perhaps she just needed to vent for a moment.