to find this an awful thing for a mother to say about their own child

[Lowfat]

I know of a mum - she is not a friend or in anyway connected directly me. But I read an e-mail she had written to someone who is directly connected to me where she had written about her own SN child

"I wish XXXX was normal so I could buy them a Nintendo DS" The DC is about 6 and is her only child.

I know parents of SN children who would find her comment quite offensive and upsetting.

The person she wrote the e-mail to does not know how to respond to this comment and is wondering if they just ignore it. They have asked me what I would say, but apart from feeling very shocked and sad at her comment I also dont know what to say.

Thanks Bored and Tired

Yes I do think aloud and am a bit iliterate at times, which doesnt help when trying to convey myself.

And normally I am quite happy to roasted over stuff if people dont agree with me.

But I have genunely upset people on this thread and that was never my intention.

FWIW I think I will take back the comment about a Leap pad as well and see if my friend can suggest that in place of a DS

Most of us have not responded with anger, Lowfat, just trying to explain how we feel. And of course that's going to mean an emotional response; it is an emotional subject. Doesn't necessarily mean we blame people for not understanding. At least not all the time

In my dd's case, disability means almost daily pain, it means falls and injuries, a constantly lowered immune system, not being able to do anything outside school because she gets so exhausted. Do you really think it is so very wrong of me to wish that things were different for her?

(btw the Christmas question doesn't come into it for me, as I can buy her presents and she can appreciate them; this thread has made me aware what a great blessing that is)

Lowfat, this is your baptism of Mumsnet fire. It's how I've learnt more than i can ever tell you about the wider world of parenting. Oddly, it's Mumsnet at it's very best because it's through threads like this that all of us, every single person reading it, learns so much we we can take in to real life.

Don't stop posting - notch this one up to a fab learning experience and stick with MN. It's by far and a way the best place to learn!

This has made me think of a converstaion I had a few years ago actually. When the lady I was chatting to really had a go at me about something I had said about DD, can't remember exactly but was something to do with her wanting to be a ballet dancer, and this being impossible, I was joking about something DD had said about it.
I was told that I was a horrible person for talking about DD like this etc. DD was V young at the time, our way of life is 'normal' to me, I have a sense of humour about it (yes I laugh, shoot me now I'm awful) and the whole thing made me scared to talk to anyone about her for a long time because nobody 'got it'
Then I found MN
It really is ok to have feelings like this, its equally ok to find humour in your situation, neither makes you a horrible person.

own experience: I got completely flammed as a MN beginner. Take it as a learning curve.

I still think your friend is not a good friend to this woman, and it was outrageously disloyal to invite judgement on her in this way. I think that was completely wrong, and if I said something like this to someone (which I have, actually) and they passed it around and put it on the net I would be DEVASTATED as well as furious. But it does seem this thread has been an education to you, and thankfully you won't be so quick to judge again.

maybe try and see it as a shorthand for - I wish my DC was within the normal range for - language/social skills/attention/motor skills so would enjoy and make good use of a DS. I.e. as wistful rather than a dreadful judgment.

can i say, i wish my dd's didnt have allergies so they can go to parties safely, and have a pet cat. they all love cvats and all bar dd4 (will wait and see as she is 4 weeks old) are allergic to cats.

Leave? Don't be a nit! you asked was it an awful thing to say, you were given a different perspective on it. You learned something. That's positive. I can't speak for anyone else, but I wasn't cross or offended by your question, I just answered it from my pov. Reading the thread, that's all it's about.

Now no talk of leaving, you plonker.

I think this makes my blood boil so much because like most people I know with a child with SN, you spend half your life reassuring other people who say stuff, like 'well they'll grow out it, won't they?' or 'they'll soon catch up' or 'they seem normal to me!' and if you DARE say 'no they won't grow out of it' or 'they'll probably get further behind' or 'no they aren't perfectly normal, they have a recognised condition' they look at you are you are horrible, mean person for telling the bloody truth! It's exhausting and frustrating. It's not helpful to say 'I'm sure they will be fine' when you can't be sure because you don't know anything about it, and I hate having to be the pessimistic one who is being 'mean' about a lovely little boy.
I am proud as can possibly be of him, couild not love him more passionately AND I wish he didn't have his SN.

What Lulu said 3 posts in

I think that presents are very emotive. My big sister has two disabled children, and finding presents to give them that she will also like always requires some imagination, because she gets very upset if they aren't age appropriate, and as they get older that gets tougher. We have managed to come up with ideas that have more or less worked over the years, so it is not impossible as parents of NT kids to think of SN kids needs and pleasures. But it does require a lot more imagination and thought, and you have to think of the parents as well as the child (which you always have to do to some extent with all children, just more so).

Surely she wanted to do somehting nice for him - and that's a good thing? It's not like she said 'I wish he was normal, so I wouldn't feel embarassed' or anything like that.

She wished he was 'normal' so that she could do something nice for him, and he would enjoy it and respond positively to her. Sounds like an entirely reasonable thing to want.

Your friend was wrong to show you the email btw.

Lowfat most of the time (imo) parents of dc's with sn keep the dark thought to themselves or only share them with people in the sn world.
if you heard me and my freind(we both have dd's with severe cp) it would be a shock, as the blck humour would sound terrible to a non sn world person.
don't leave mn.

I do agree with crosssnmum though, your friend is not a very nice person. I would be horrified if someone was picking my comments apart like that.

Dont be a nit - love it! I second Hecate, and would say it is not a terrible thing to say. Like jimjams, my little girl doesn't "get" toys at all, or know how to play really. She does seem to find it fun to chew on a spring onion though, as she is laughing as she is doing that right now...I can't ask the rellies to buy her that for Xmas though

I am over-compensating with dd1 and her dolls house though- which is really for me Maybe that is what she meant- she would like to be able to buy him something they could share the fun of. Because try as I might, i'm not feelin' the spring onions!!

Lowfat, I feel for you. It is really easy to read text and get a different meaning. And it does seem odd that it is expressed in such a trivial thing as a DS Lite, but being new to the whole developmental delay thing with my DD1, I have realised that it is the little things that hurt the most.

This year (last week) I finally got DD's (3rd) birthday 'right' because I was very prescriptive about her gifts. Until this year I was unaware that she had developmental delays, and I used to say "anything would be lovely" in response to present idea requests. The result was that she got a bunch of things and didn't play with them.

This year, I said specifically "Don't think like a 3 year old going into 4, she's not ready. Get something tactile, that she can squidge, play with put together and pull apart. Nothing with small parts that she can put in her mouth..."

She got play dough, moon sand, and stikkle bricks. One happy little girl.

But back to the small things:

Today at pre-school a mum asked the lead teacher if they could bring their daughter with them to the session before the nativity play despite it not being her normal session. Teachers reply "Of course. X is one of the children that it really doesn't matter if she is there when she shouldn't be."

I KNOW that that will never be the case for DD1, because they have to have enough staff to provide her with 1:1. I couldn't even swap her session last week and she had to miss it because I had to be somewhere.

Also, her treasure box item was missing at the end of preschool. It was a pink handbag. I went back in and told the staff that she had forgotten it. It turns out that another child had insisted it was theirs & taken it home. On reflection, the staff commented that DD1 did seem to 'recognise' it, and did look at it when it was held up. I was so sad that at 3, DD wouldn't even think to say that it was hers, and to get upset that another child had it.

Silly things, but they hit home the hardest.

Ok that was really long. Sorry all. A bit raw today

As often happens I'm so staggered, so moved, by what I learn on MN about other people's lives. Across the whole board, especially in relation to special needs, but really across the whole board I learn time and again about the narrowness of my own life and about how to just begin to understand the lives of other people.

Who could have thought that tecchy old internet could be the source of so much learning.

So I hope you won't leave, lowfat.

TBH, I read it as a poignant wish for the child. On a far more minor level, I remember wishing DD wasn't milk intollerant so that she could eat the chololate ice-cream she was eyeing up at a restaurant. I felt so sad for her.

don't leave lowfat. I wish there were presents I could buy for my 4 yo dd. She cannot sit or use her arms and hands and will never walk and talk. Intellectually though she is like any other 4 yo and bored and fustrated because she cannot play with any toy. What can you play with if your hands and arms don't function, or any other part of your body.
I wish desperately one arm could move.

God no need to leave. I for one and not remotely offended by what you said (and more than happy to put you right )

Maybe none of your friends have expressed the wish to have their children as any different to the way they are because most of your friends have children either so young it doesn't "matter" so much about their SNs, or have NT children.

My Ds1 has been basically booted from his part in the Christmas play. Because he can't do it. He can read the lines, whizzer, NP. He can't wait to read the lines, he can't stand still and read the lines. I wish he could stand still so he could shine the way I know he could,. In a minor way, yes, I wish he was different.

Oh Lowfat don't be a prat, i have posted MUCH more offensive things than this piddler and it has never crossed my mind to leave. How can I, while Someone On The Internet Is Wrong?