to find this an awful thing for a mother to say about their own child

[Lowfat]

I know of a mum - she is not a friend or in anyway connected directly me. But I read an e-mail she had written to someone who is directly connected to me where she had written about her own SN child

"I wish XXXX was normal so I could buy them a Nintendo DS" The DC is about 6 and is her only child.

I know parents of SN children who would find her comment quite offensive and upsetting.

The person she wrote the e-mail to does not know how to respond to this comment and is wondering if they just ignore it. They have asked me what I would say, but apart from feeling very shocked and sad at her comment I also dont know what to say.

actually, DS is dyslexic, and i have been known to wish he wasn;t, and to take pleasure in books and reading that i do, and not struggle with it all. i would love for him to be able to escape into a book, i hope no-one would think i was a terrible mother for saying so.

surely anyone whose child has a lifelong, chronic condition / illness/ SN or anything that compromises what they can do, they are allowed to think/say 'if only.....' without it being a negative comment on how much they love/ care for/ nurture their child

only read the op, but i get what the mum is saying. after 13 years of very restrictave xmas shopping, I would love to be able to buy a teen present. so
yabu, but your heart is in the right place.

I dont have a dc with SN but i dont see anything wrong with that mother having a wishful thought about her ds being able to enjoy playing with a nintendo ds

I sure she doesnt love her dc any less for his SN, but it is only natural for her to wish for him to be able to do the things that other dc enjoy doing

It must be really hard to admit any negative feelings for any child. It sounds like she might need some support, not critism. Maybe your friend could give her some good ideas as to what she could give the lo for Christmas instead of focusing on her negative comment.

I would be hurt if a friend showed off an email I had sent, when expressing how low I felt at that time.

I heard my mum on the phone telling her friend I was a devil child.(I was a nightmare as a teenager.) Yet she loved me.

Morecoffee and verybored have posted how they sometimes feel, these are normal, healthy emotions loving parents have.

*criticism

Oh god, not, not someone without SN experience making suggestions about what to buy (sorry I know its well meant, but that becomes grit your teeth and smile sweetly whilst saying "hmmm well he doesn't really understand about playing with toys" time- and you have to smile sweetly because it is well meant).

If you want to know how unreasonable a mother of an SN child can get, I may reveal that I nearly cried one day when I going home on the bus and caught sight of a bunch of teenage girls drunkenly weaving their way across the bridge. Because that won't be my dd. It's not that I want her to get rat-arsed or pregnant at 15 or any of those things. But the thought that she probably won't have much choice in the matter still hurts.

I don't think it is awful at all. I wish my kids were 'normal'. They have autism and I certainly DO wish they were different. I wish they didn't have autism. I wish ds1 didn't have erbs palsy. I have never embraced their autism as who they are and if I could wave a magic wand and make them 'normal' I would. I wouldn't mourn the loss of their autism for a second.

Normal as in being like other kids their age! It's a horrible word 'normal', and I wish there was a better word, but the feeling of wishing they were just like everyone else, well, I have that.

I went to ds1 assembly the other day and left holding back tears because it was too painful to see the other ('normal') children and how differently they speak, walk and act. And I don't think he's that different, not really, I don't spend a lot of time with nt kids and I could REALLY see how different he was there and then, standing right next to them. And I fecking HATED it and, I am ashamed to say, I resented the other kids for a moment. and I'm not normally one of those types.

So I can understand the wishing your child was 'normal', because who the feck would WANT a lifetime of struggling for their child? If you were given the choice, by god, prior to conception, would you really say "can you make mine have a condition that makes them struggle through life please? I'd really like my child to shit themselves and not be able to talk like other people and if you could make them unable to cross a road by themselves that'd be fab, ta."

Cory,

in all honesty its probably no different to something ive probably said suuch as i wish my ds was normal then i could do alot more fun things for him at x mas like go to see lights switched on etc but itd be too crowded and loud

he has ASD and alot of things other parents take for granted i cannot do with my son eveyr now and then i like to point this out as people think im odd when i say no im not going to do that etc

Can I apologise again,

My title was badly worded and I know this is an emotive subject.

I dont have SN children, however I do have very close friends with SN children (albeit it very young) so I suppose I view things like this through them, and they have not yet had years of experience of the facing challenges that come with SN.

Having read more of your responses I will say to the recipitant to perhaps respond with a positive message to the mum.

Cory, I hate watching music vids of lovely young things on their first holiday abroad alone, enjoying a drunken shagfest - knowing that DS will never do that

TBH I can be very positive about my son - written quite a lot on that vein on here in recent weeks. But yes I do wish I could buy him something that 'normal' 8 year old boys like!

Do you know what makes me "shocked and sad" is that this woman thinks she has a friend she can talk to, and what she has is a disloyal bitch who passes her personal private emails to another random person so they can judge away happily. And then to add injury to insult that person, who doesn't even know the woman or anything about her child or her thoughts or feelings, cruelly posts parts of a stranger's email on the world wide web so that everyone can pile in with the judging of a person who is sad about her SN child. How DARE you do that?
That poor woman. I bloody wish my son was normal. That his life was not made harder, more fearful, stressful and incomprehensible by his SN. I could buy him a Nintendo ds, and he could use it, but I wish he wanted one instead of a Thomas Aquadraw that is far too young for him, but I'll buy it anyway. I wish he could go to swimming lessons like his sisters so he could join in, have fun, and hey, maybe not even drown one day.
I am so pisssed off about this.

God your friend is a nasty bit of work. I hope the women finds out just how disgusting she is one day.

has she thought about a leapster leap pad ? same sort of principle but much simpler to use. Mine stay glued to theirs for ages, and ds1 has a friend with downs who is 4, and he loves it too.

Crossnmum - I am really sorry, my friend did not show me the e-mail because she was being disloyal or hurtful, she wanted some thoughts on how she could respond.

As I have already said I found her comments sad, because my experiences of parents of SN children have never including feelings of 'wishing they were normal'.

My title is badly worded and again I am sorry for such a lack of judgement, I did not mean to offend.

I now realise I have neither the experience or the right to make comments in this area.

In fact in view of such emotional responses I dont feel I really should post on MN anymore.

I just cannot convey how very, very sorry I am.

Having thought for a bit about this, I think the thing that is hardest is that buying presents for your children is supposed to be fun.

It should be easy - wander around a few shops, imagining the delight on your child's face as they gaze at shiny presents with bows and ribbons, help them unwrap rip the paper off, and hear the squeals of joy.

It shouldn't be depressing and bloody difficult to find something that might just interest them. you shouldn't have to stuggle with this, supposedly one of the most fun parts of being a parent.

then multiply that by the number of lovely friens you have who also want to buy a present for your child. It is bloody hard.

we struggle with just about every aspect of life - from people not understanding when dd1 has a meltdown in a supermarket to having to move across the country to get a decent education for dd1.

Struggling with christmas on top of this really does bring home the gulf between dd1 and "normal" tbh.

I wish my DD was normal and the other girls liked her at school ,its heartbreaking watching her trying to fit in and getting pushed away again and again.

Its not an awful thing to say SN is an awful thing for all concerned ,its a very sad thing to say .

Lowfat I don't think you need to leave MN! Not at all, use this thread to learn, and carry on posting now knowing what you do
You certainly haven't offended me, (riled me a little maybe ) I'd rather people listened to me and learnt from it than got upset by getting things wrong and stayed away from the subject all together.

Lowfat, don't worry. You probably didn't give the subject much thought and was thinking aloud.
I do this all the time.

{{{{hugs}}} to all the mums on this thread who wish their DCs had what we take for granted.

lowfat, I don't have SN children, but I can see where the Mum was coming from with that comment. I can also understand your reaction to it. We all post things on here from time to time which cause unintentional upset. Don't leave, I don't think those that you have upset would wish you to leave either - we have all learnt something from this thread. You've written a very humble apology, I think we should all respect you for that. Hang around xxx

Lowfat,
If its any help, I'll admit that, before DS came along, I think I might have felt the same as you. It is difficult to match up the love you have for your child as he or she is, and the wish for things to be different for them, unless you have direct experience. It can seem shocking to others.
I love my DS for the person he is, but if i could take away his problems, i'd do it in a heartbeat. It is in no way a\rejection of him.