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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

my friend of 2yrs has not invited me to her home ever

114 replies

lipstickjungle · 11/12/2008 14:18

hi i am dissapointed in my friend whom i have known for "2yrs she has never invited to her home she won't even let me know her street, she has been coming to my hse and we do a lot of things together, i know a lot of people are intimidated with my hme- its a long story (big mortgage ect) but i am really down to earth our babies are the same age apart from that she is lovely.

OP posts:

Swedes · 11/12/2008 15:50

It's a little odd isn't it. It's basically a barrier to getting to know someone better. I wouldn't personally care whether her house was a tip or undesirable but I would care that she felt I was the shallow type who would be bothered about it. Although if it was a tip I would offer to help her have a really good spring clean and clear out (and tell her 'Come on it will be fun, we'll do it with good music (and good biscuits) and the babies helping') as being so untidy is often terribly debilitating in all sorts of ways.

wotuhohohoinat · 11/12/2008 15:51

Good advice, Swedes - it can be very motivating to have a friend help.
Although we still don't know WHY the OP's friend won't have her around. We are assuming. I still reckon that her mate's house is more intimidating (who calls their house 'intimidating FFS?) and she doesn't want the OP to feel bad.

TisTheSeasonToBeSolo · 11/12/2008 15:53

Wotu, yes, sounds similar. I used to be so tidy and it gets me down a lot.
BOF, I tried to explain it to one of my post natal group friends once, but I really don't think that she understood tbh. I'm a terrible hoarder and have lived in my own place for nearly 25 years. Most of my friends are hardly even 25 years old yet!(slightly exaggerated, but the oldest is 30)so have not had the pleasure of years of life getting put away because 'they might need it'.

TisTheSeasonToBeSolo · 11/12/2008 16:00

When I was in my 20's I had a breakdown(due to violent husband). My then best friendof 13/14 years came over to mine for lunch. My place was a mess ~ hell! I was a mess. She told me 'quite frankly solo, I'm shocked'! Oh yes! that made me feel so much better...no offer of help though.

phraedd · 11/12/2008 16:10

maybe take her up on her offer and say "what time shall i bring my baby round. Once she is settled i will leave"

glaskhamhasoneintheoven · 11/12/2008 16:12

I dont often invite friends to our house... Mainly becasue i'm ashamed of the state of it... its not dirty, or untidy, just that i have woodchip in the living room, with some bits of the paper ripped off, and we haven't had the time or money to re-decorate since buying it 3 years ago... we have a very old sofa that was given to us when we moved in (but in a week will have a lovely almost new sofa off family)...

The carpet is really cheap thin school classroom sort of stuff throughout the house. I dont have a fitted kitchen, the house belonged to DH's nanny, FIL bought it off her and did the major repairs (at a 25k price to us, a 5k price for him to actually do it) while we arranged our first mortgage for the house, while sorting the mortgage and signing over he promised us he'd get us a kitchen and bathroom fitted with the extra money we'd payed) and we've yet to see it!! We've got odd cupboards from freecycle in our kitchen!!

I'm very ashamed of my house's state of repair... some friends have been in though and i always worry about what they'll think of me for living in a house thats like this!!

Swedes · 11/12/2008 16:20

Solo - Sorry to hear that.

Glaskham - I'd be more upset that you didn't invite me and I wouldn't give two hoots about the carpets or unfitted kitchen. Your friends like you for you!

Dropdeadfred · 11/12/2008 16:24

!!! why has you h not taken his FIL to task???

tiredsville · 11/12/2008 16:27

I love visiting friends with the scruffy houses. Don't know why, they just seem laid back and I feel really comfortable.

Maybe, because when growing up our house was always a tip and priority was having fun.

Unfortunately, I am now obsessed with the home being clean and tidy. I think this is from being too embarrased as a child to invite friend's over.

TisTheSeasonToBeSolo · 11/12/2008 16:28

On the flip side, I really, really don't care what peoples houses are like. I helped my friend a couple of years ago when she was moving. I had seen over the years how dirty her kitchen was(though she couldn't see the dirt)and I voluteered to clean it for her before she moved so that she wouldn't be embarrassed for the new owners iyswim(and I guess so that I wouldn't be embarrassed for her). I spent hours on it and apparently a few weeks after she'd moved out, the kitchen was seen in a skip outside! I was really sad because I could've used the unit doors as they were so much better than mine . Not to mention, they were really clean!!!

glaskhamhasoneintheoven · 11/12/2008 16:32

I have invited friends round, dont get me wrong, but not often... and only the friends that i am close with and i know wont judje me in any way!!

DDF- FIL always makes promises he can't keep- DH said when he promised us it that he'll believe it when he see's it!! FIL annoys the hell out of me as he still calls upon DH for every single little job possible, and DH feels obliged to do it... he can't say no!! I actually still feel angry towards FIl for taking the extra £25k and it only costing him %... he thinks he did us a favour, but we could ahve saved 20k buying it straight from DH's nanny but just taking a bit longer... oh well- you live and learn!!

glaskhamhasoneintheoven · 11/12/2008 16:33

judge

TisTheSeasonToBeSolo · 11/12/2008 16:37

Sometimes family are the worst people to ask anything of and even worse when they offer to do something for you...

glaskhamhasoneintheoven · 11/12/2008 16:41

tell me about it Solo!!!

londontipton · 11/12/2008 17:09

The sad thing is we all seem to assume that visitors give a toss what our homes look like, I know I certainly don't when visiting....

It's sad that any of us isolate ourselves because of some cruddy flooring or inefficient storage solutions!

There is a flip side to this - I used to live in a TINY cluttered 2 up 2 down. We were very lucky and moved "up" to a big house which admittedly looks pretty good (lots of white walls and wooden floors, dead easy to maintain). I actually found some people more hostile to my "posh" house than my old one. People can sometimes write you off as flashy or spoilt.

glaskhamhasoneintheoven · 11/12/2008 17:47

I'm certainly one of those who think people will judge me on my house. i mean when i go to a friends house that is all nicely decorated etc i always feel worse about my own home when i get back!!

On a brighter note all my friends are a good 10 years older than me and have had time to do their houses up... or they are in rented housing which the decor and kitchen etc looks nice because the landlord has to have it to a reasonable standard... so i should be proud that we are lucky enough to have a mortgage so young, and we have the time to do it up slowly!!

London- thats quite interesting to know about how friends react differently to your new nicer house... might make me think more that mine isn't actually so bad after all- i mean i know myself that it could be a lot worse... it could be dirty too!!

nappyaddict · 11/12/2008 23:40

but why do you need to know where they live? as long as they are a good friend and you trust them to take care of your DC what difference does their address make?

babyloveschristmas · 11/12/2008 23:53

How can they be a good friend if you don't even know where they live?

TisTheSeasonToBeSolo · 11/12/2008 23:59

I can't believe you are asking that NA. There are levels of trust and I for one would want to know where my Dc's are. What if her Dp is not trustworthy? what if and what if? there are so many what if's attached to not knowing where your Dc's are. No! for me, it's just not the done thing! and for me, a 'good friend' is not afraid of you knowing her address even if she doesn't invite you in for coffee. Just my opinion mind.

ChristmasFairySantAsSLut · 12/12/2008 00:02

hm...so...does this person want to become your childminder than...because of course you then shold be able to see her in her own environment...but as a friend/...she may well just be embaressed or something

ChristmasFairySantAsSLut · 12/12/2008 00:03

Swedes...I need a friend like you

TisTheSeasonToBeSolo · 12/12/2008 00:13

So do I CFSAS, but I'd have to tidy up first!

nappyaddict · 12/12/2008 00:14

i know roughly where they live but have never been there iyswim. it really isn't an issue with me. some are people i have known for years through work, others are people i have met through toddler groups, music classes etc and some are people i've met on here.

nappyaddict · 12/12/2008 00:26

oh and with some they have moved house within the last year and i haven't got round to going there yet. it just isn't weird to me. i've got loads of friends where i've only been to their house once or twice or even just picked them up/dropped them off outside it. also if you were to hire a babysitter you wouldn't know where they lived would you. and you may have never met them before or only once to see if you liked them.

reminds me i need to ask my friend from work if he will watch DS for me next week when i get my hair cut. last time he had him he dressed his godson up as spiderman with an outfit from the bear factory DS thought it was great fun playing dress the baby up.

Zebraa · 12/12/2008 00:30

I would just ring her and ask "Can I come round for a coffee because I need to get out of the house?" and see what she says. If she suggests meeting at the park, just say you'd rather not as you don't want to catch a cold etc and just breezily ask "what's your house number and road name?". If she creates a diversion just be honest and ask her why she isn't happy for you to see her home. Explain that you're a bit confused.

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