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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel a surge of rage when MIL refers to DS as 'her' baby.

104 replies

headscrewedonmum · 07/12/2008 21:17

It really winds me up, I want to slap her when she says it.

OP posts:
Reindeerhabbit · 07/12/2008 22:14

Can totally understand where you're coming from. Mil drove me mad saying it about ds1 (pfb)
I never said anything about it, until ds2 came along, and it clicked that she was just sooo proud of her gs. And of me and dh for giving her these gs.
In the grand scheme of things, it's not such a bad thing. And maybe she does it with ds, because it takes her back to when your dh was a baby? That must be very emotional for her. (I know it would be for me, if either of my ds have ds themselves)

And what hatwoman said

TheCrackFox · 07/12/2008 22:26

I was very lucky because I married the youngest of 3 boys so my MIL was well trained . However, I do remember MIL talking about her first grandchild and saying that you have this unexpected rush of love for them. Obviously, you know this can happen with your own baby but MIL said it was so unexpected with a GC.

Maybe you could mention to your MIL that you an uncomfortable with her saying this. But, please bare in mind that she is only human and cut her some slack.

My mum says it all the time and she means no harm by it.

zenandtheartofbaking · 07/12/2008 22:32

YAB bit U.
i can see me doing that when/if I'm a gran. I pretty much do it to random babies in the street at the moment. I just love them so much for that moment.
I suppose you feel undermined in your (new) role as baby's mum.
But you are mum and will be when she goes home.
Honestly, dcs deserve all the love they can get.

jellybeans · 07/12/2008 22:39

YANBU My MIL does this. She has been very toxic though, if she was somewhat normal it wouldn't be so bad!

edam · 07/12/2008 22:46

I can see why it grates - must be stirring up all those mummy tiger fiercely protective and possessive hormones - but I do think the posters who say give the woman a break are right.

She may be putting her foot in it, but in the long run, isn't it lovely that your baby has a grandparent who thinks he's just fantastic? I wish my dad was still as enthusiastic about ds - sadly he's not bothered now he's got new grandchildren (my niece and nephew) to play with. I don't begrudge niece and nephew at all, they are gorgeous kids, just makes me feel rather sad that ds is so obviously at the bottom of the heap.

shitehawk · 08/12/2008 08:03

You have to remember that it's said with love, not with malice.

And a baby can't get too much love.

littleboyblue · 08/12/2008 08:18

Both my parents do this, especially if ds is upset, they'll pick him up and be all "oh my poor baby"
Or when they ring they'll ask "How's my baby?"
It bothered me at the start during that whole baby blues phase and when I was still a bit anxious about being a mum, I felt like they were taking over and didn't think I could cope, almost like they were calling ds there's for when they needed to take over full care of him. How stupid is that.
It doesn't bother me now, it's not like you MIL is a mental case and actually believes your dc is her baby or anything. She just loves him so much

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 08/12/2008 08:24

< sigh >

I'm sure that those people wound up by MIL saying "my baby" won't be quite so irritated when they need a babysitter.....

Original poster
headscrewedonmum · 08/12/2008 08:44

Again thanks for the replies.

I still think I will continue to feel a small surge of rage towards her when she says it.

Oh and AnyFuckerForAMincePie, I won't be needed her as a babysitter so thats not an issue.

OP posts:
squilly · 08/12/2008 12:42

YANBU at all. This could be an innocent little slip on the part of the MIL or it could be indicative of how your MIL thinks of your children.

I have a toxic MIL who has done all sorts of tricks over the years with my dd. Yes, I know she just loves dd, but she's tried to undermine my authority, has been poisonous about me in front of dd when she was 7 (silly move...like my precious girl wouldn't report that back!) and has even slipped up and been toxic with 'her' precious baby once too.

DD now tries not to visit too often; she laughs about the fact that MIL has asked her to live with her ('like I'd do that mommy...I couldn't live anywhere without you') and so it goes on.

When your children are older they'll make their own mind up about their gramparents. Mine knows that her gramma is a little eccentric. I've never slagged her off in front of DD (though Lord knows I've been tempted to) but she doesn't believe in that rule and has slated me on numerous occasions in front of my daughter. End result? DD thinks nanny is a bit mad and respects me even more. I win! Ha, ha, ha.

Sorry...suddenly had a manic moment, but you get what I mean. And I still have the unreasonable wave of rage when she calls her 'my baby' especially as she's nearly 8, but I just bite it down...I will be the better person, I will be the better person, chants mantra repeatedly in the hope I can comply.

claw3 · 08/12/2008 12:48

I think its a nice thing to say.

Uriel · 08/12/2008 12:53

My mil used to ring up and ask how her baby was - I usually gave the phone to dh or told her how dh was.

bamboostalks · 08/12/2008 12:53

Why won't she be babysitting? You say that you don't need her to do it. Maybe she would like to do it?

jumpingbeans · 08/12/2008 12:55

ffs, I always refer to my dgc as my babies,when i ring i ask "hows my babies" both my dd and ddil would piss themselves lauging if i asked them if it bothered them,and did they think i thought they were mine,you sound a bit insecure if it bothers you this much.

CrushWithEyeliner · 08/12/2008 12:56

Jesus why do people get so het up about this stuff and MIL - it's just a turn of phrase ffs.

OrmIrian · 08/12/2008 12:57

YABU.

I think you may need to relax a little.

PuppyMonkey · 08/12/2008 13:02

My SISTER refers to my youngest dd as her baby. I think it's dead nice...

pregapuss · 08/12/2008 13:05

My mum does it a lot. She has also called herself mummy a few times to DD but I think she i just slipping up.

My mum does drive me mad with her though!

MummyGorilla · 08/12/2008 13:07

Be a bit careful about what you will & won't need from your MIL in the future - my MIL drove me mad in the first few months after DS arrived - my first child, her first GC - I was possessive, she was overexcited. I thought I wouldn't 'need' her as I had my own parents and family around, so although I was happy to have her involved, I thought I was doing it as that was the right thing to do, not because I needed to store up favours.

But now my mum's health is bad, and my MIL's willingness to babysit/drop everything when needed to help out is invaluable.

And anyway, you shouldn't exclude the IL's without good reason- it is cruel and bad manners.

tumpymother · 08/12/2008 13:18

hey my MIL does this too. I find it a bit grating TBH but am glad she gets so much pleasure from him. I was a lot more irritated by it when he was smaller. Thinking about it, I was more irritated by her saying she was going to steal him when he was 5 days old. She still says stuff like that now but again I am less bothered by it now he is older. Hopefully you will find this sort of comment less annoying in time.

gabygirl · 08/12/2008 13:19

I think YABVVVU

For goodness sake - look at your own child and try to imagine how you will feel when they become a parent themselves. You don't marry an individual - you marry a family and all that comes with it!

Your MIL is passionate about your child. How wonderful for your little one to be loved in that way.

You should read this article - it might shed an interesting light on how you feel!

here

RaspberryBlower · 08/12/2008 13:20

This wouldn't bother me at all, but my MIL is great and I love her. I'm assuming there are other control issues and this is the tip of the iceberg?

Timesofhope · 08/12/2008 13:37

My MIL has said this since I became pregnant, talking about 'our' babies. I tried to understand that these were her first grandchildren and she was excited about it, plus the fact I had triplets, she was really looking forward to it.

However I wasn't prepared for when the babies arrived for her to be so pushy and domineering - always trying to tell us what to do and how to treat our children. When we asked for advice when the girls were crying a lot all she could come up with was that they had colic or were teething. We don't ask anymore because that is the only response we get.

Things have become so bad that we are avoiding going to relatives' houses and my DP and MIL have had a massive row where she told us not to ask her for anything anymore and that we should move away if we won't listen to her.

EssieW · 08/12/2008 13:38

you're not being unreasonable. I would be mad too...

MummyGorilla · 08/12/2008 13:46

But 'my baby' is a) a term of endearment, not the same as 'my child' or 'my son', and b) not far removed from 'the baby' and as a GC, he is 'her' baby as well as yours -most extended families claim a new baby as 'theirs'.

I even had my brother's MIL claiming to be my child's grandmother! Which was a bit weird...