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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have made a complaint about a member of staff

106 replies

tots2ten · 01/12/2008 16:40

I was told this morning, that my sil's brother's (i will call him B) girlfriend (i will call her A) asked to finish work early on saturday as it was my niece's birthday party. She told her boss that niece's grandmother is ill and we are having a big 'family' party. She was allowed to finish earlier. BUT never went to the party.

My mum has lung cancer, and has never met A, at all [ever], niether have I. She has only been with B for a few weeks.

So I phoned her place of work this morning to make a complaint that she is using MY mother as a excuse to leave work early and that she never even went to the party.

What upset me the most was that she told her boss that this party was just for my mum as she missed the original party as she was unwell.

So was I BU to have phoned her work? I am still very angry as are quite a few family members.

OP posts:
NorthernLurker · 01/12/2008 18:52

So somebody you don't know told somebody else you don't know something you didn't need to know. But because you DO know it you've made a big fuss and caused this woman potentially a loss of earnings, a loss of job and who knows what - but thats ok because your ill mother was mentioned??

Get over yourself. If this is the way that you are reacting then I think you need to get some help. Macmillan nurses have been mentioned, maybe try your GP. Your reaction is about a million miles away from normal in my book

SummatAnNowt · 01/12/2008 19:21

What is wrong with you????

llareggub · 01/12/2008 19:31

Hey, you reap what you sow and all that.

It wouldn't have crossed my mind to report this person. If you'd had a quiet word in her ear that might've been OK.

But really, do you honestly think ypu have the moral high ground here?

TotalChaos · 01/12/2008 19:34

YABU to have contact a stranger's employers. But I can completely see why you would have been enraged by something as sad to you as your mother's serious illness being treated so lightly by another person as an excuse to get off work a couple of hours early.

DandyLioness · 01/12/2008 19:45

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ChirpyGrinch · 01/12/2008 19:53

Right, I think you all need to calm down and lay off OP.
This is not in character for her. She is obviously very upset, along with the rest of her family, who are very close and are taking her mums illness very hard, and understandably so, at 'B' using her very ill mother as an excuse for a jolly and reacted to that.

If you were grieving then you might do something others see as overreacting.

I don't really know whether YABU or not to be honest t2t, have no clue what I would do in your position, just that you do not deserve some of the vitriol being thrown at you here.

taliac · 01/12/2008 20:01

I agree with Chirpy.

Yes OP is BU.

But her mother has cancer FFS. Of course shes BU.

Tell her she was wrong to phone B's work(she was), but have some compassion about it please.

cheshirekitty · 01/12/2008 20:03

YABU. The adult thing to do would have been to speak to A and tell her her behaviour was unacceptable.

What you did was childish and nasty. Maybe you did it in the spare of the moment, and are now regretting it? Is that why you are asking AIBU?

ChirpyGrinch · 01/12/2008 20:06

(BTW, I know t2t in RL so read my post with that in mind, as well as I think you are all getting a bit over enthusiastic at OP bashing considering the circumstnaces.)

DandyLioness · 01/12/2008 20:10

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scifinerd · 01/12/2008 20:15

While the OP was bu, I am also staggered at some of your threads, at the lack of compassion. The devastating effects of cancer on the patient and their family are immense and when I went through my mum's cancer I was full of anger and irrationality. It is such a dreadfully difficult time and I believe the OP deserves a bit more compassion and sympathy.

While the OP behaved inappropriately calling the work, it is not the worst thing in the world so maybe you should lay off her now. I think she has got the message and I hope she doesn't take this forum too much to heart.

Othersideofthechannel · 01/12/2008 20:31

What Slimmer said: "I can understand the level of disgust and turmoil of emotions OP has been going through, given the awful illness her mum is suffering and the way "A" seemingly used the illness to her advantage.

I certainly wouldn't have phoned her place of work, but I can understand wanting to! I've been through a very similar situation, and I would like to offer OP my sympathy and support. I would also like to add that, while I would have loved to have done the same in that situation, I'm afraid when it comes down to it, you have to learn to bite your lip. Concentrate all your energies on your mum and don't get bitter or waste upset on those who have no compassion."

hecate · 01/12/2008 20:40

I can understand how enraged you must have felt, at this virtual stranger using your mother's illness in such a casual way.

the dog ate my homework
i left it on the bus
my alarm broke
my neice's grandmother is dying and we are getting together..

Don't you see? Don't you see how casually she trotted off this excuse? It meant nothing to her, it was an opportunity to go off on a jolly and if you lot can't see how hurtful that is to the op, then I am surprised.

ok, it wasn't sensible to do what you did, but I understand that your emotions at this difficult time, ran away with you and you wanted to lash out at what seems to you, such a cold action.

TheFallenMadonna · 01/12/2008 20:45

Who told you?

LoveBeingAMummyKissingSanta · 01/12/2008 20:47

I'm so sorry about your mum. I do understand how you are feeling. Hope you are getting some support.

xxxxx

Original poster
tots2ten · 01/12/2008 20:53

I have read all of the post, after talking to dp and thinking back to this morning, yes i was BU (very) . I have spoken to my sil and although A was not pleased at being 'shopped' (no pun intended) she can see sort of why i did it.

OP posts:
ScottishMummy · 01/12/2008 20:57

ok,so moving on.are you getting enough support,are you ok.you have a lot to deal with.take care

Ronaldinhio · 01/12/2008 20:57

yabu but it is entirely understandable.

Sorry to hear about your mum

abbierhodes · 01/12/2008 21:03

I think some of the people on here are incredibly spiteful with their comments, considering what you are going through. My dad has recently recovered from cancer, and if he had been used in this way I would have done exactly what you did. Of course it is unreasonable, and I hope she didn't lose her job, but perhaps next time she'll think.
Sorry about your mum. I hope you and your family get the support you need.

ChirpyGrinch · 01/12/2008 21:10

hey t2t, glad you came back to thread!
I think you were only being a leetle U, and can totally see why you did it, and DH insists he would have done the same.

I bet she can see why you did it, I'd be mortified if I had done that and then been found out. She owes your bro (and the rest of you) a mahoosive apology.
Does your mum know? Hows she doing? FB me if you wanna chat....am online for a bit

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 01/12/2008 21:10

tots2ten, have read all the thread but not posted so far

kudos to you for coming back and taking comments on board, some of them were very harsh (if not unexpected)

all the best to you and your family

Tortington · 02/12/2008 11:11

kudos for coming back, much kudos to the power of a gazillion for seeing you were BU, i am still reeling that there is anyone sensible enough on mumsnet to admit when they are wrong. well done you.

FioFio · 02/12/2008 11:13

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scaryteacher · 02/12/2008 11:47

I would have thought that your brother's girlfriend was jeopardizing her job all on her own by lying to her employer...and has been found out. If in the current economic climate she doesn't want to lose her job, she needs to make sure she isn't found out telling lies.

WilyWombat · 02/12/2008 11:55

YABU

If you were girlfriend A and your boyfriends sister (C) did what you have - potentially threatening your employment and, I would imagine, relationship - im guessing you'd think C were a slightly unhinged unpleasant person wouldnt you?

Im not saying she wasnt in the wrong but hell two wrongs dont make a right and what you did was FAR worse.

I appreciate you have problems but WHY would you do that...very odd.

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