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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have made a complaint about a member of staff

106 replies

tots2ten · 01/12/2008 16:40

I was told this morning, that my sil's brother's (i will call him B) girlfriend (i will call her A) asked to finish work early on saturday as it was my niece's birthday party. She told her boss that niece's grandmother is ill and we are having a big 'family' party. She was allowed to finish earlier. BUT never went to the party.

My mum has lung cancer, and has never met A, at all [ever], niether have I. She has only been with B for a few weeks.

So I phoned her place of work this morning to make a complaint that she is using MY mother as a excuse to leave work early and that she never even went to the party.

What upset me the most was that she told her boss that this party was just for my mum as she missed the original party as she was unwell.

So was I BU to have phoned her work? I am still very angry as are quite a few family members.

OP posts:
LIZS · 01/12/2008 17:19

Sorry to hear about your mum, but it wasn't your complaint to make apart from direct to her.

SH27 · 01/12/2008 17:20

Can't believe you did that, what a nasty thing to do. Interested to know what your brother thought!!

Have a go at her or even your brother, but calling her work beggars belief!

purplemunkey · 01/12/2008 17:22

YABU.

Using your Mum's illness as an excuse to get off work is dispicable but calling her work and ranting at her boss is totally out of line.

She's only been with B for a few weeks you say? Maybe she chickened out of this party at the last minute? You should have confronted her or B, not caused her problems at her work place.

StayFrostyTheSnowMam · 01/12/2008 17:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

louii · 01/12/2008 17:23

Totally out of order phoning her work, none of your business what she says to get away early, that is such an awful thing to do to someone.

onthewarpath · 01/12/2008 17:30

Thank *pingping" I was in the process of drowing her family tree, I do understand much better now.

tots2ten FWIW I do not think A is going to lose her job over 1 complaint. But I would advise you to take things a bit more lightly, A is not even an aquaintance to you as you never met her. Keep your strength for your mother and yourself and forget about her.

Tortington · 01/12/2008 17:32

i hope the girl keeps her job. fuck me.

flixx · 01/12/2008 17:34

TBH I think you are very spiteful and nasty.

ScummyMarx · 01/12/2008 17:43

Agree with everyone who's saying that this is a completely bizarre and questionable thing to do. Who told you all this, anyway? Are you sure it's reliable info? Sounds like at least 3rd hand evidence.

Sorry about your mum being so ill.

piscesmoon · 01/12/2008 17:44

It was very vindictive-has it really made you feel any better?

Webstermum · 01/12/2008 17:45

i can see why you're upset but if i was you i wouldve told her what you think & not her boss. However its not really a hanging offence is it & i dont see why you're getting the stick from fellow MNrs - why exactly should anyone get the kicking they deserve?? It's comments like this that really put me off MN!

TheNewsMongersGeansaiNollag · 01/12/2008 17:46

I'm sorry to hear about your mum. That must be hard. Don't let anger chew you up. It's important to be appropriately angry with the right person for the right length of time. I read a book about dealing with anger, after leaving an abusive relationship. Taht sentence, or something like it (but better put!) stayed with me.

There's nobody too rage against when your mum is sick, cos it's nobody's 'fault' and it does make the slings and arrows a lot harder to deal with.

I don't htink you're spiteful and nasty. You're probably generally sad and angry, and under normal circumstances, you'd have just wrinkled up your nose at the lie this girl told. It wasn't great but it wasn't heinous either.

JerricaBenton · 01/12/2008 17:48

Oh my word, there are some really horrible people on here! And not the OP! Some of your reactions have astounded me far more than the the thread starter.

JerricaBenton · 01/12/2008 17:51

OP, I wouldnt personally phone their work, though id be sorely tempted too! id also be very very angry if anyone used a relative dying as an excuse to bunk off

TheNewsMongersGeansaiNollag · 01/12/2008 17:51

ps she has 'dehumanised' your mother by reducing her to an excuse. She's so much more than that to you of course.

But of course, for all of us, almost every body else is a stranger. That is the way it is.

If she'd told you casually how convenient your mother's illness had been for her, enabling her to get off work early, then you could have been v.angry at her lack of empathy and sensitivity.

But she didn't mean for you to hear this I bet!! To her, she used a woman she didn't know for a grown up "the dog ate my homework".

LulumamaLovesLatkes · 01/12/2008 17:55

YABVVVVVVVU to have phoned her work

what did you hope to achieve? at the very least she will get a bollocking..or her boss would have laughed him.herself sick at your officious tale telling

I can only presume the enormous stress of your mother's illness has stopped you from thinking straight

however, just as you think she should not use your mum's illness as a reason to bunk off work, you should not use it as a reason to be totally vindictive

you need to take a step back, mabye seek some counselling and support, perhaps VIA Macmillan, for help while your mother is so unwell.

TheNewsMongersGeansaiNollag · 01/12/2008 18:00

That's a good idea about contacting MacMillan OP.

We're all allowed to lose our compass every now and then you know. Don't take the comments on a forum too seriously. If this were real life, and we were friends and you'd told us this, there'd probably have been an awkward silence. And we'd say, eh, probably better to leave it. And then we'd all read between the lines and see a bit more.

But on internet, every body always says exactly what they think instantly without holding back. Which is good and bad.

StephanieByng · 01/12/2008 18:00

echo what custardo said about the girl keeping her job

And what Lulumama said about you taking a step back

I hope you can take this as a wake up call - do you really want to be the sort of person who does this? What you did was worse than what SHE did! She made a silly excuse that did not 'touch' you or your mum in any way whatsoever, but you have intervened in a very real and personal way which can only TBH be seen as vindictive.

I am truly sorry to hear about your mum and I hope things go well for her.

Quattrocento · 01/12/2008 18:09

(1) Are you sure there isn't another niece involved? Are you 100% sure of all the facts?
(2) What sort of environment do you live in where you know all the intimate details of this person's lies/life?
(3) And why do you care so much?

YABU. Not just unreasonable but freakily scarey

sleepybeauty · 01/12/2008 18:10

i think you done a correct thing.bitch used your mums illness as getting of work earlier!she deserved it.dont worry,she wont lose her job,shell think of another juicy lie,shell tell her boss that you are mentally ill and a stalker!

solidgoldbrass · 01/12/2008 18:13

If, when I was a supervisor of a team of staff, I had recieved a phone call like the one you say you made, I would have told you to go and fuck yourself. Then I would have said to the member of staff involved that she should perhaps consider getting a solicitor to write you a letter threatening legal action if you ever did anything like that to her again.
Your behaviour was outrageous.

edam · 01/12/2008 18:16

Ok, I appreciate that you are desperately worried and stressed about your mum, but why on earth would you waste your time getting someone you've never met into trouble?

Poor show from the girl who lied but really vindictive of you to phone her boss, for heaven's sake. Let's hope no-one ever holds a grudge against you.

jammi · 01/12/2008 18:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

ScottishMummy · 01/12/2008 18:34

your response was wholly disproportionate.you should have sought redress with her not her employer

however i imagine you are stressed and maybe this was out of character?

LynetteScavo · 01/12/2008 18:40

I think your brothers girlfriends brothers girlfrind was very lucky to be invited to the party!

How did you hear she got out of work early?

Do you live in a really small town?

I can understand you and other members of your family being angry - this person hasn't won herself may brownie points has she! - but you ask if you were BU to have phoned her work - yes, I think you are.