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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be suspicious of DH mobile ALWAYS being on silent mode?

109 replies

Boobalina · 01/12/2008 10:59

He has it on silent at work, god knows why as he is the boss of the company and receives work calls all the time. But then when we are at home he has it on silent all the time and the phone is always in his pocket - like all the time, he never takes it out. When he is out without me it takes ages for him to answer a call from me, because its on silent. And I keep telling him to put it on normal when he's out as I can't get hold of him in an emergency.

He never used to do this, its only in the last 18 months.

I've wondered about an affair, but can't actually think when he would be doing it, unless he is lying about being with our mutal friends or in his lunch break?

OP posts:
Zebraa · 02/12/2008 16:31

Boobalina I've just realised my DP has his phone on silent at all time, and he isn't having an affair - reading through the posts, maybe it's just a man thing. But then he doesn't mind me seeing/having the opportunity to read through his phone!

I've got an idea: wake up in the night, put his trousers in the washing basket, tell him you thought they were dirty and leave his phone on the side - after having read through it!

I'm a bad influence, sorry!

Original poster
Boobalina · 03/12/2008 10:18

Part of me does want to go through it, hopefully to prove my suspicions wrong. But at night, if its not in the pocket of his trousers on his side of the bed, its in the bathroom in his trousers and switched off. And would make a noise when I switch it on... he's a light sleeper.

But then the other part of me thinks I shouldnt be so suspicious and am being daft....

OP posts:
LoveBeingAMummyKissingSanta · 03/12/2008 10:25

DH and I always ahve in silent, partly cause of DD but partly cause I used to tell DH off as ihe used to come home wiht it on very very loud from being work and it hurt my ears!!!!!

mumeeee · 03/12/2008 11:13

I quite often have mine on silent and so does my DH. It does not mean eithe of us is having an affair. so YABU.

ManIFeelLikeAWoman · 03/12/2008 12:27

Please please please DON'T follow the advice of certain posters and go through his phone behind his back if there is more than a minute chance you are wrongly accusing him. If it were me and my partner did that, I would hate her for it. Men are private creatures and you need to respect that if you want to live with one.

Even if you are sure of the affair, I would strongly recommend you found a more impersonal and less underhand way (private investigator? difficult questions?) to find out about it, if only to maintain the moral high ground when it hits the fan.

oceana · 03/12/2008 12:41

How is a private investigator less underhand?!

Ashantai · 03/12/2008 16:40

My phone is always on vibrate cos i'm usually at work and not supposed to have it with me , and i cant be arsed to turn the ringtone back on when i get home.

ELR · 03/12/2008 16:42

you have just described my dh and his phone, he is always a nightmare to get hold of, but affair no way!!!

Daisy15 · 03/12/2008 17:17

Phones are used for a reason. To contact people. If you can't get through to someone what on Earth is the point?

Tell your partner he is being unreasonable and demand to have it permanently on general, if he refuses ask why. If he still goes on about the ringing, then he is most definately lying as he could change the ringtone.

EggyChick · 03/12/2008 19:20

Demand? Blimey...

jofeb04 · 03/12/2008 19:49

Similar to many others on here, my phone is always on silent, (with vibration between certain hours!) as it is easier to ignore it. And, I also turn mine off at night as friends will phone me at odd hours of the night.

I'm not having an affair.

hkz · 03/12/2008 20:10

I guess you either trust him or you don't. If you trust him, then explain to him why you find his phone being on silent irritating and leave it at that.
If you don't trust him then voice your concern and suspicions to him face to face and ask him to show you his phone.
My DP and I often have our phones on silent..its no big deal...although I agree it can be frustrating if u are trying to get hold of the other person to no avail!

prettybutterfly · 03/12/2008 20:58

The turning it off when he showers is a bit suspicious though, don't you think?

Nighbynight · 03/12/2008 21:24

turning it off when he showers is strange.

keeping it on silent is perfectly normal behaviour, I do it myself, cant be bothered to switch it back to noisy when I get home.

Littleladyloulou · 03/12/2008 21:46

It's odd enough to have grabbed your attention.

It's not just the silent, it's keeping it within arm's reach at all times too. Very little chance for you to casually pick it up.

Why not invent a reason to use it, ie "ooh I've left my phone at work, damn. Where's yours, I need to ring X". Then see how relaxed he is about handing his over to you!

What does he say when you keep telling him to put it on normal? And have you followed this up with "Why do you have it on silent all the time, anyway?"

I have had my phone on silent before a few times. This was because I got unwanted texts from a nutty ex-boyfriend from years ago and I was worried he would text in the middle of the night, just to cause trouble, even though we were absolutely no longer in contact. For example he once texted at 1am on Christmas Day night two years after we split up which spoiled the end of a happy day with my DP. After that I put my phone on silent secretly until I could change my number, because I didn't want to bring any more unwanted texts to DP's attention. I also turned the phone upside down on the table/kept it in my bag so it didn't light up if there were any texts. I felt most uncomfortable about the whole thing.

The point I am making there was a specific reason for putting the phone on silent more than "anyone might ring/text".

Littleladyloulou · 03/12/2008 21:56

PS Re turning it off when he showers - what would be to stop you from turning it on and off before he gets out? TBH I would be tempted to turn it on just to see if he has code-locked it, not necessarily to check texts etc.

My awful ex-b read through my texts all the time whilst keeping his on silent and code-locked. When I realised he was moving my phone (he forgot to replace it one day) I code locked mine. The next morning I came out of the shower to find him outraged. He said, "Why have you code-locked your phone?" I said, "How the hell do you know I have?" He said "Because I look at your phone when you are in the shower. Remove the code lock".

Needless to say I "removed" him...

PS He also had two phones. I asked why he'd got a second one when I spotted it lying around. He said "because I wanted that model too so I just bought it". Top tip: Two phones (ie two personal NOT one work/one personal) = cheating arse. Potentially.

Lotster · 04/12/2008 10:25

"It's odd enough to have grabbed your attention."

This is main the point. Indignant posts from all in sundry who also keep their phones on silent are quite irrelevant compared to your instincts. Plus lots of them miss the point as they have to keep theirs silent for lots of reasons that don't relate to your husband, who is boss of the ocmpany and can have it on when he likes. And chooses for it to be conveniently off whenever he's away from it.

Again, this could be nothing, just habit, but if your instincts (you know him better than us obviously) are saying something's weird about it, and if it's really getting to you then do something.
You don't have to be underhand, you could just ask. If you know him well then surely you can tell by his face when he's lying?

I used this quite well in the past with an ex - most people are uncomfortable lying and it shows in their body language, touching nose/eyes/ears, wrinkling their mouth and best one is the eyes. We actually look towards the part of the brain we're accessing when asked direct questions. E.g. looking left (especially up) when answering indicates a made up answer as their eyes are showing a constructed image or sound. Looking to the right would indicated a "remembered" voice or image, and thus would be telling the truth. Staring straight at you and concentrating shows we are trying not to give anything away by looking around which also is suspicious.

May sound over the top to some, but it could put your mind at rest without inveding his privasy too much? Just a thought anyway.

body language and lying - quite interesting

Lotster · 04/12/2008 10:27

inveding his privasy?

iceblue · 04/12/2008 10:47

my fone is always on silent and yes i am having affair, for the last 7yrs.

Lotster · 04/12/2008 10:49

You dirrrty rat

mayorquimby · 04/12/2008 12:11

just a word of warning. be prepared for any fall out that may come from snooping through his phone behind his back. and not just what you might discover. i know that if i caught my oh going through my phone behind my back that would be it or us as i'd see it as a complete invasion of privac and regardless of the fact that nothing untoward is going on i don't think i could be in a relationship with someone ho didn't trust me.

MinkyBorage · 11/12/2008 00:17

did you look through his phone?

Tinker · 11/12/2008 00:19

My phone is always on silent. It is for my convenience to contact someone else.

Enigma · 11/12/2008 00:20

Dh has his on silent - because he is fed of me saying "For heaven's sake, who is it this time!!" (huge sighs)

However, his phone is frequently left unattended in accessible places where I could snoop if I wanted to - so it's all above board

Ruby2shoes · 11/12/2008 17:12

I would just pick it up and start looking through it - if its code locked ask him for it and if he wont give it to you or throws a hissy fit as soon as you touch it, then you will have to ask why.

I cant see why you wouldnt have a right to - unless he works for the secret services ...

Its a phone - why would it be invading his privacy unless hes got something to be private about??? Thats what would worry me!

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