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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Have I done the wrong thing getting rid!!!!!

123 replies

blueheather · 30/11/2008 16:56

Please help.
I got a puppy 4 months ago, she is a lovely dog, but I have felt completely overwhelmed. From the minute I wake to when I go to bed I have been stressing about the dog. I have an 8 year old who adores the dog and helps when asked but I am the carer, walker, scopper, feeder, discipliner etc etc, as wll as co running a business and looking after 2 kids, house etc..
If she is in the house it stresses me as she wants to destroy it and if outside I can see her face through the cat flap wanting to come in and be with me. I have to tether her outside so she doesn't escape. I feel my space is invaded in the hosue though.
When I go on business away she goes to a stables and LOVES it. She is with 3 other dogs of her kind and has fun and space to run and play.
Today when I returned we agreed the dog could stay on the farm and I was relieved but upset too. My 8 yr old has convinced herself (with my help) that the dog is happier at the stables and the owner has agreed to let my daughter help with the horses and visit the dog whenever she likes.
Have I been totally selfish? I do feel the house is empty but know if she was here it would be destoyed. My husband who normally does nothing really with the dog is upset at what I have done and says the kids will be very upset when it hits them in a few days!

Do I go and get her back and put up or stick with getting rid!

Please help me!

OP posts:

chloemegjess · 02/12/2008 11:17

I was only still going on about tying her up as you said she was going to the farm every other day. SO I assumed she was still going to be tyed up on those other days? If not, then I think you have come up with an OK arrangement.

Yes lots of people leave their dogs at work but
a) In an ideal world, people shouldn't really get a dog if it will be left for more than a couple of hours a day on a regular basis. BUT I understand a lot of people do.
b) I don't know anybody who would leave them outside on a lead when at work.

chloemegjess · 02/12/2008 11:19

AND forgot to say. If your friends really do these things that you said before. YOU need to do something about it. They are being cruel to animals, it is not on. You should report them to the RSPCA. Sorry but if you don't do anything then you are as bad as they are as you know what is going on and not doing anything about it. You don't have to give your name, I have reprted somebody before and it is very easy. You can even do it online now.

Original poster

blueheather · 02/12/2008 12:30

They all love their dogs and they are actually people from dog club. The one that crates all day has a rehomed boxer who is simply uncontrollable - hence dog obedience lessons.
I am not advocating any of their actions but they clearly love their dogs and I see them out walking etc..
You have to do what you have to do in difficult circumstances. Peoples lives change and rather than get rid of the dog they do their best.
The lady who has her dog out in a pen 9-5 has reduced hrs till 3. I know another lab round the corner that is left 8.30 til 5.30 alone. How do you get on with life if you can only go out for 2 hours! It takes that long to actually get to somewhere!

I have seen cruelty - real cruelty, not a nice situation - neglect and yes I reported it. This was a few yrs ago.

OP posts:

chloemegjess · 02/12/2008 14:02

Its not if you go out for more than a couple of hours, but if you know that you will be out most of the day every day at work or whatever, when you are looking at a pet, a dog isn't the right pet for you. I am not directing this at your cercumstances but what you are saying is that it is fine for people to work full time and leave a dog at home. It is really not the best situation for a dog at all.

If you need a pet and work 5 days a week or whatever, you are better off getting a cat or other animal that won't mind being left alone. A puppy is the worse choice for somebody at work.

Most (good) rehoming centres will not let you adopt a dog if you will be out for more than 2 hours a day on a regular basis.

I used to foster dogs but I had to give it up when I started working 9-3.30. Before that I had done it on the odd day but I came home on my lunch to give her a quick walk in the park and loo etc AND got a dog walker for those days.

Original poster

blueheather · 02/12/2008 14:54

Actually I said I don't advocate it at all, working full time and owning a dog. I'm lucky I have a choice. I think what I was saying is that people sometimes do have to work more to pay the bills and you can't help that.
I know very few people who stay at home all day except for maybe 2 hours because of the dog - well actually I don;t know anyone. I did when a puppy up to 4 months, I also took her to the office with me, then on vets advice 6 hrs in crate split into 2 sections every day to help toilet train.

He also said she is a dog and she has to fit in with YOU not the other way round as I was a bit obsessive at first about leaving her - and look at all the abuse I've had - incredible!

OP posts:

nooka · 02/12/2008 16:26

Sorry but you really have that the wrong way around. No you shouldn't have to stay at home because of the dog. However if you are not at home for a long time you should not have a dog. There is choice involved, and prospective dog owners should think long and hard before they bring a dog into their home. We would love to have a dog, and have done for several years but can't at this point in our lives. We just aren't around enough, and we cannot rearrange things at present to make it work. As dogs get older their lifestyle changes, and they can more easily cope with being left alone, but it is still not ideal. As a dog owner you take on responsibility for their happiness as part of their welfare.

chloemegjess · 02/12/2008 21:44

totally agree with nooka.

Blueheather - you don't seem to be taking in much of what has been said?

CateMom · 02/12/2008 22:20

OP you did the right thing by letting the dog go to the farm. And the fact that you can stand your ground against some very caustic arguments here means that you know in your heart you were right.

The only way you should feel guilty is if you decide to get another dog - because you know that it hasn't worked out this time. I very much doubt you would do this. You (and family) made an error - you have rectified it responsibly and optimally for all concerned, including dog and kids.

Time to move on.

claw3 · 02/12/2008 22:26

Of course you have done the right thing.

pudding25 · 03/12/2008 22:44

Not read the whole thread but you have done the right thing by giving her to someone who will care for her.
You should never have got a dog in the first place if you were not prepared to give them lots of love and attention.

Ivegotaheadache · 03/12/2008 23:22

The first few months with a puppy can be a nightmare, we have a lab and I look back to the time when we first got her as an 8 week old puppy with wonder that I got through it.
But we did and she is now the best dog you could ever wish for. She is so placid and gentle, very very obedient with the most beautiful nature.

However, as much as I love her, she drives me insane. I don't have the time to devote to her that she would like (she would like to sit on my lap and cuddle me all day), which is largely due to ds being quite small at teh moment. She is definitely suffocating, which is my fault really - I think I pampered her too much.

But I do think that however much research you do unless you've had a dog before, you'll never realise what goes into it and it is hard work.
You did the right thing by giving your dog what she needs, if you aren't able to do the best for her the right thing to do is find something that will.

You will feel bad and guilty but it would have been worse for you and the dog if you'd have kept her without being able to give her what she needs.

She will be happy which is the main thing in all of this.

cookiedough · 03/12/2008 23:34

I haven't read the other posts but wanted to put a quick reply in.

Puppies are hard work! I'm sure you thought long and hard before getting her, but you never know what kind of character they will have. She has ended up being demanding and hard work - not all puppies are.

If she's happy at the stables (dogs always are!) and they are happy to have her then I'd stick with your decision. Unless your gut tells you otherwise. Would the stable people give her back at any point in the future? Put her needs first. And also you are right to put your relationship with you children before your time with a dog.

If you really want a dog maybe it would be better to get a rescue dog? They always need homes and that way you will know some of the dog's character before you get them home. And not as over excited as puppies!

Original poster

blueheather · 04/12/2008 16:26

Hi there to the last few kind posts. I don;t think you maybe read my update - no problem at all, I just posted that doggie is home with us and having the odd stint at the farm when she needs a good tiring out. She now sits under my desk after a good long walk first thing and yes, hurray DH walks her in the eve. So to all those who were crying 'cruelty case' you haven;t got a clue. Also did my test of obedience last night and came top - so stick that up yer whatsits!

In addition over the last couple of days I have set up a 'dog club' for a few of my friends to use. We will take in turns having each others dogs while we are at home to supervise and they can play togther perfect solution we think.

Thank you to the last 2 posts also for admitting like a couple of others that it is HARD work. I felt my kids got less than the dog! Appreciate honesty!

OP posts:

thebrain · 04/12/2008 16:37

blueheather it sounds like you have really taken on board a lot of what was said in this thread. Hopefully the changes you have made will make for a happier dog a slightly easier life for you!

I think getting a puppy is very much like having a baby! Firstly because of the work involved and secondly because nothing can prepare you for the reality until you've got the pup there.

Hopefully you will find the dog gradually calms down with age and one day you'll realise that you have a lovely family pet. It sounds like you're doing the right things with training to get there. Good luck.

nooka · 04/12/2008 17:28

Sounds like you have thought very sensibly about how to get past this phase. I like the dog club idea! Rather like sleepovers

nooka · 04/12/2008 17:29

Also getting your dh actively involved may help the dog to become a family pet, rather than just yours, which will reduce her dependance and your suffocation.

zookeeper · 04/12/2008 17:38

Of course you did the right thing Blueheather - ignore the Holierthanthouers

OLIVIASMAMA · 04/12/2008 21:57

I've been watching this post with great interest. I understand the passion behind the posts that are screaming cruelty, I personally wouldn't have done many things your way initially Blueheather but I am lucky enough to be a SAHM so am with our dog all the time, you haven't had that luxury. It is hard and a huge responsibility to have a dog but you knew that from the beginning so should have been well prepared. I do think however that you really have pulled out all the stops latterly though, the idea of you and your mates dog sitting for each other is GREAT, really good idea.

No one gets it right all the time but we should get it right for our animals, well done on sorting things out.

Please tell me something has been done about the Boxer that is caged for hours on end, this is outrageous and is CRUEL .

StillOverHere · 04/12/2008 22:32

You are doing all of the right things without a doubt. However often you are told that a puppy will be hard work it does not prepare you for the reality. Three years ago we bought a puppy. After two weeks of total mayhem with a high-maintainance, nervous animal I made the heartwrenching decision to give the puppy to someone who would be able to devote the time and attention to her that she deserved. Our whole family cried and cried for days and I still feel some degree of guilt. However, a year ago we decided to try again with a different breed. One year on our much loved dog is a part of our happy family. I can only conclude the the first dog was just not the right temperanment for us. So, don't beat yourself up - do what is best for your family and your dog.

Original poster

blueheather · 05/12/2008 08:14

Hi again,
I honestly don't know where they are. They haven't been to dog club for 2 weeks but I do know they were getting 1 to 1 help from the dog trainer so they could allow their boxer out of the crate more and more. I understand they took on the dog as the dog was previously in a bad home, so has some problems. I spoke to the lady once and she said she had no choice but to leave her in the crate to protect them and their home. I don;t know any more than that, but they are a nice couple who have sought help from the trainer.

OP posts:

OLIVIASMAMA · 06/12/2008 10:07

Ah - well that sounds as if they are making progress, it is hard and especially when they've rescued the dog from a horrible home, I really hope that they can sort something out.

Thanks for letting me know.

larahusky · 07/12/2008 00:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

goodasgoldfrankincenceandmyrhh · 07/12/2008 01:07

Tag was the best dog ever, as a girl she was my confidente and friend. She died when I was 16, she was 14. Super super super little dog.

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