to want to go out and leave my kids alone?

[bamalan]

I'm a single mum, and have 3 kids. My oldest is 7 and the other two are 3 and 4. There is a pub just down the road from me and my 3 are all brilliant sleepers. I've been leaving them at home once they are asleep and popping back regularly. My neighbour has had a right go at me and is threatening to tlel the cops. I can't afford a babysitter and my mum refuses to do it anymore as she works 4 evenings a week and wants the other nights to herself. I think she's being really selfish, surely I deserve a life to??

Nobody as yet knows what actually happened to Madeleine Mcann (it's not impossible that her parents killed her) so that isn;t a particularly impressing example. When DS was a baby I left him in a hotel bedroom and went to the bar for a drink (clutching the baby monitor), same again when at a dance-out camping weekend, he was asleep in the tent, I was about 30 yards away, with the baby monitor, having a drink with friends.
I think the op would have a more enjoyable night if she got a mate in to babysit rather than having to run back every 15 minutes, though.

psychomum5 - that is so horrific.

I know, and that happen at the end of my road, to children my children went to school with.

and it was proven to have been the children playing with matches, while the mum was not there.

she was gone for 20mins at the most!!!

God, it doesn't bear thinking about. How shocking for you and your kids, and how terrible for the surviving child.

If the OP is for real, please don't leave your kids alone.

What I can't stand are all the bleats of, "Well I did it and my children/I was ok", I hate it. As it that is some sort of test to what's ok to do or not

Why not wait until someone has actually said that, Jodie?

When mine were that age, I would not have gone out socialising unless they had a baby sitter, or unless we were in a hotel and the listening service was listening out for them.

Utterly stupid. Anything could happen. Accidents are just that and you cannot predict that it will be ok for those 15-20 mins while you are at the pub because I am sure that after a few drinks, 15-20 mins becomes 30-45 mins.

My ds is a very, very good sleeper. He always has been but occasionally, just once in a while he wakes up in the night after a bad dream. He is distraught and if he wanted me and I was not there I am quite sure it would affect him deeply.

It is very difficult being a single parent and not having a social life but it just goes with the territory. It is a fact of your life now and you have to deal with that. Compromising your dc's wellbeing is not acceptable. IMO.

One of my colleagues at work left her children alone for an hour to pop out to the supermarket. Came back an hour later to find that the children set up something in fire.

The firefighters couldn't find them until it was too late. As they were hiding under the beds.

And... DS and his little friend escaped into the street while we were chatting in the living room. Near midnight... and they were just 2 years old at the time. I saw them running at the end of the street when I found the door open, had they run in the oposite direction they have gone to a main road before we noticed.

Bamalan,

Sorry to be harsh, but you should have thought about your life before you had 3 kids.

I'm afraid that your attitude typifies all that is wrong with our society today.

They are your kids - accept your responsiblity and behave like a parent - after all, this is mumsnet - not absent-parents-net.

bamalan..I live directly opposite a pub and can see my house from it quite clearly but under no circumstances would I leave my children, however lonely I was. Some of the harrowing stories on here can become a reality all too quickly and it is simply not worth it.
You need to find an alternative, i.e having friends around. Or get used to the banter on here and come on MN a lot.
And don't be too hard on your mum, I never ask my folk to babysit as I respect they have their own lives and worked as hard to bring me up as I am now doing with my DC's.It is their time now.
Some areas do have babysitting circles and your health visitor may be able to advise you of one.

Sunnygirl - Perhaps because people do? Sigh

?just want to know what age you are alloud to leave kids alone? just want to know what age you are alloud to leave kids alone??

Technically there isn?t an age. That doesn?t mean you won?t be in trouble if caught doing it. Anything can happen in that time and you would never forgive yourself if it did. I feel guilty if I take the rubbish down and leave Tink in her bed, she makes sure I know she?s not happy if I have to go down for shopping (can be three trips sometimes) as I leave her in the flat with the TV on and her toys.

You gave conceived and gave birth to your children, as far as I?m aware your mother didn?t, she doesn?t have to look after your children! I offer Tink to our parents, as I know they have fun all around, but I don?t see it as baby-sitting generally. Normally I will have to really need it to ask for help. Mostly if I need it it?s so I can work for the HA and they pay a childminder.

Jodie, no one has said it though, in fact everyone has said the complete opposite. There may be threads they do but this so far hasn't been

TBM, actually, although there is no age in law you could and (certainly in this case) would be charged with endangering children if anything ever did happen.

FWIW, I wouldn't leave my 13yo old at night once she was asleep. Why? because it is my job to safegaurd her as she is my child. Easy really isn't it!

That's what I meant, technically there isn't an age but you would still get in trouble if you did it.

I'm in two minds as to whether I should even wade into this one, but what the heck, it's dull here in Oz..........

1 - They are your responsibility. I have no idea how long you have been single, or whether their father is on the scene, but this is your situation for a few more years yet, but maybe it's taking a while to "get used to it" (as much as you ever can).

2 - Doesn't mean you don't have the right to "have a life". But presumably if you're spending a couple of hours down the pub, it's not to drink orange juice. which begs the question, how safe are your children when you get back? Most people who have a drink then sleep differently, and can miss alot........ maybe having a few friends over would be preferable.

3 - What about having a life at the weekends/ during the day - could Ex/friend/local 16 year old you trust, take them for 2-3 hours so you can do something in the day time... even your mum? Does she ever help out? What does she do during the day? Presumably if you're not working, you have the week days to yourself, and have less children as one or two will be at school/nursery? Maybe this would be an easier time for your mum to help if there's only one child to look after?

4 - Just so you know, there are plenty of couples who don't get to go to thepub for years, because they are both home not spending money.

Does that all sound reasoned and thoughtful? Because what I actually want to say is that you need to give your children up because you obviously have no clue what your impact on them will be if you carry on thinking/acting in this way.

But I won't.

I can understand where you are coming from Balaman as I was a single mum when dd1 was young and its bloody hard. Sitting alone in the house everynight after the children have gone to bed is soul destroying.

Like NoOttter I live opposite my local, you can see both my front and back door from outside of the pub. There are always people stood outside the pub smoking who would watch the house for me. My five year old dd1 is v responsible and knows how to use a phone in the event of an emergency but I still wouldn't risk not even for one drink.

SGB is right. Chances are nothing bad will happen. BUT something bad could happen and it only takes a minute. Not ten or 15.

A babysitting circle is a great idea so is having friends over for a bottle of wine.

Just keep telling yourself that it is not always going to be this way. This time next year you could have a new man in your life.

Try filling your time with something more constructive like open uni (its fee if you are on benefits) and then you will have something to aim for. It will help ease the way you are feeling right now if you can focus on the fact that the situation is tempory and will change.

Trying to be as constructive as possible, why not have a lovely evening in with some girlfriends, make some nice drinks (sangria anyone?) as others have suggested. Much cheaper and MUCH nicer than being in the pub anyhow!

Because it would DEFINITELY be unreasonable to leave the kids alone..

I thought you probably did Tink but I thought I would make sure it was very clear just incase the op is actually reading wny of this

Bamalan, polease ignore the posters who imply that you are wicked and wrong for wanting more out of life than housework and watching television. Parenthood is not a prison sentence and there is nothing wrong with wanting fun, adult company and childfree time alone : however you need to sort out safe ways of achieving it. Babysitting swaps with other parents are one idea, inviting friends round (and again, perhaps taking it in turns to go round ech other's houses, take the kids and let them all have a sleepover together etc) is also good.

Bamalan - if you are not a trol then as solid says ignore the wicked posts.

There are a lot of married copuples that stay in hotels and drink at the bar leaving their dc upstairs in bed - no one else in the room and the hotel babylistening is a listen in every 20 minutes.

When I worked in a pub I had grave doubts about several couples and there babysitting - or lack of babysitters in the small village where the pub was.

It happens far more than people realsie that dc are left alone in a house when they are asleep. This doesn't mean though that it is safe, and I wouldn't advocate it to anyone.

As others have said sharing babysitters doing swaps may be a solution that is far far safer. Offering to babysit for someone else first to get it started.

Or even getting a friend to bring her dc over and you get one babysitter between you to share the cost. The you can both go out.

bamalan

go to the pub when the children are with their dad or buy a bottle of wine and have friends over.

Simple really

I was a single mum for 9 years, and can count the number of times I went out in all that time on the fingers of 2 hands.

Despite working FT (my only source of adult "company"), I couldn't afford to go out, never mind pay for a babysitter, and babysitting circles don't really work if you're on your own unless you take your child along too (not usually very practical). I had no family nearby, and I doubt they'd have been much help even if they had been.

But I never took any risks with my son. Once is all it takes.

Yes ...... of course it can be bloody miserable, feeling trapped and forgotten about but when you have a child (or children) however shitty it feels, you don't come first - they do. There is nothing intrinsicly wrong in wanting some fun and a social life, but only if it can be safely achieved. If you can't do it responsibly and safely, then tough shit.

Your mum isn't being selfish. Maybe she could do more but you should regard this as a bonus, not as an entitlement since they are your children, not hers.

Unfortunately, if you want adult company, you have to use your imagination and accept that for quite some while, getting that adult company may not be in quite the way you'd choose. You don't say if you work or not but if not, there is reasonable scope for you to meet up with other mums during the day (yes, I know you'd have the kids with you if they weren't in nursery or school, but it's better than nothing). You also have a PC ...... again, it may not be quite the same thing but you can interact with all sorts of other adults in all sorts of ways - and in live time - via chat forums and maybe with a webcam. I wish I had a PC when I was a single mum .... most of the time I didn't.

Please don't take any more risks.