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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a hairs breadth away from taking my teen out of secondary school...

78 replies

ConniesCuriousCandle · 29/11/2008 20:12

....because of the girls she is aspiring to be mixing with

she is making my life a misery by insisting that girls who i really truly dislike with every fibre of my being are 'lovely girls' and she 'likes chavs'

she comes home and trys to be all fake pleasant for about 5 seconds until something does not go her way but i just cant stand the fake ness knowing that all day she has been f ing and blinding with the wannabe sluts

sorry for bad language but she is and has for a while ruined my life

her tone with me is revolting and arrogant. she does not give a shit when i cry and wail...she smirks

i would just rather keep her home and not have to endure the daily sending into the sluts lions den that she so reveres. The only thing she seems to be learning is how to be more like them

sorry for language

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smugmarried · 29/11/2008 20:16

for once I'm at a loss for words

StephanieByng · 29/11/2008 20:20

Stop crying and wailing. Teenagers don't have the same empathy cells grown ups do. It will simply be lessening her respect for you.

You shouldn't need to cry and wail; you;re the parent. If she's making you feel that way, she is taking away your control.

Home IS most important, at the end of the day. If you can get her alongside you she will be MOST influenced by the values at home and will be able to make good judgements about the values she encounters at school.

mummyloveslucy · 29/11/2008 20:20

I do feel for you, I'd be devistated if that happened to my daughter. I really don't know what to suggest, so I'm not much help really. I just wanted to show some sympathy. I know the more you go against her "friends" the more she'll want thent them in her life. I would concider taking her out if it was me, I have to be honest as I'd find it heart breaking.

hercules1 · 29/11/2008 20:22

Please don't cry and wail. You will send her further away from you.

mummyloveslucy · 29/11/2008 20:24

My daughter isn't even 4 yet though.

snowleopard · 29/11/2008 20:26

Is anything bad happening, eg she's hanging out with people who are getting her to do drugs /otherwise break the law or anything dangerous? Or do you just dislike them because they are chavs? If there are real problems, I think you're right to be concerned, but if you're just being snobby, then she may be right that they are actually nice people and you are being blinkered. You could ask you to tell you about her friends and say why she likes them, even ask them round.

Teenagers do swear and blind you know, even the nicest, poshest ones.

snowleopard · 29/11/2008 20:26

Is anything bad happening, eg she's hanging out with people who are getting her to do drugs /otherwise break the law or anything dangerous? Or do you just dislike them because they are chavs? If there are real problems, I think you're right to be concerned, but if you're just being snobby, then she may be right that they are actually nice people and you are being blinkered. You could ask you to tell you about her friends and say why she likes them, even ask them round.

Teenagers do swear and blind you know, even the nicest, poshest ones.

mummyloveslucy · 29/11/2008 20:47

I'm glad you've had some helpfull responses, I take it these people have teenagers.

dougal3 · 29/11/2008 20:49

Genuine question - why do you think it would be better if you took her out of school?

OrmIrian · 29/11/2008 20:57

Oh dear.

I think you are going to have to accept that these 'chavs' are her mates. For now. Doesn't mean they will be bosom buddies forever. And the fact that they wind you up is probably part of the attraction.

rubyslippersisappearinginpanto · 29/11/2008 21:00

how sad that your daughter is ruining your life

does this go a lot deeper than your post suggests?

you cannot pick your DD's friends - don't teens rebel and do things to piss off mum and dad?

I think Snowleopard's post is good

Original poster
ConniesCuriousCandle · 29/11/2008 21:01

thankyou all sorry been doing bathtime

no - nothing REALLY bad is happeneing at all ...

the girls - half a dozen in particular are just not what i would wish for her - or anyone....

from what i can see they are just desperate to get big tits post pictures of them on the www - do their make up ...

oh and i forgot 'shag' a s a p

dd has not hit puberty yet

most of my wailing is to dp btw

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Original poster
ConniesCuriousCandle · 29/11/2008 21:05

i have done all those things

i have tried a plethora of different approaches but all of them fall on deaf ears

she just smirks when we say bring them home although she does bring other girls home who live locally

she is not allowed internet access at home and from what we can gather all they do is go on msn or bebo and bollocks all else so i wonder if that prevents her bringing them as what else could they do?

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Original poster
ConniesCuriousCandle · 29/11/2008 21:06

sorry that was aimed at snowleopard ( i need to talk to you about boots btw but hat is another saga!)

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Original poster
ConniesCuriousCandle · 29/11/2008 21:07

the reason she is ruining my life is that she taints the atmosphere in the home...slooping about being miserable because she has not got her none existant tit out on bebo

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noonki · 29/11/2008 21:27

She sounds like every teenage girl I've met.

Don't tell her you don't like her friends, or put them down in front of her, she will lose her respect in your taste.

I would get to know her friends as well as you can.

I wouldn't keep telling her how rubbish glamour models are, instead give her other positive role models, say she likes I'm a celebrity, big up Martina's achievements.

She is going to slope about and sulk and moan and battle against you, they are programmed to do that so that they can make you look forward to them leaving home, otherwise we would keep them with us forever.

anyfucker · 29/11/2008 21:28

connie, you sound unreasonable to me

have you any evidence of her acting inappropriately?

and I hope you are not saying she is "ruining your life" in her earshot. Guaranteed to drive her away, that one.

"None existant tit"? You sound bloody toxic to me.

I have some sympathy with you though. My dd is 13, and I am finding her priorities (MSN, looking big in front of mates, boys, putting me and her younger brother down etc etc) frankly horrifying but we are working through it. I am (hopefully) still in some sort of control and her basic grounding for the last 13 yrs will hopfully kick in.

You cannot do any more than that. Keep her close, don't push her way by being a bitch. If you do that, you will have no idea what she is doing/aspiring towards.

GinghamRibbon · 29/11/2008 21:32

I bet you didnt' smack her when she was little and done all of this 'new world' stuff.

Skips off la la la de dah dah la la

anyfucker · 29/11/2008 21:34

troll ?

Original poster
ConniesCuriousCandle · 29/11/2008 21:37

i am not a bloody troll! lol

what o what is so shocking about what i have said to suggest that?

that i am at the end of my tether with one of my teens?

i will shove your dd in school with them and see if you come up cross stitching her duvet and backing fresh bread for her reutrn home daily

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Original poster
ConniesCuriousCandle · 29/11/2008 21:38

anyfucker

wait another year

'toxic' that was meant to be humourous

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zazen · 29/11/2008 21:38

There must be some projects you and she could do together - volunteer at a local pound for strays abandoned animals etc.
Paint some window frames? Change some light bulbs, fuses other DIY that she will need to know.
Walk the dog together.

I would try and set apart some time for just her and you.

There is nothing you can do about her friends - she's learning something from them that she can't learn from you. I learned lots of things from my (mum-despised) friends that my own mum hadn't a clue about and some of the things I learned saved my life, like how to put a condom on.

I'm afraid you have to let gp of the idea that she's under your control - she's your daughter, yes, and a person in her own right also.
You will become closer to her when she's older: for now teaching her about boundaries - not coming in after curfew etc and being consistent will do her a lot more good than bitching on about her friends.

Try and get some time together doing something non confrontational in a neutral place.

Seuss · 29/11/2008 21:41

Anyfucker - lol I mis-understood and thought you meant you'd grounded your dd for the last 13 years!

Taking her out of school would completely screw everything up - she would hate you and REALLY rebel then. You have my sympathies, I'm dreading dd hitting the teens I can already hear my mum muttering 'what goes around comes around'. They all do it, like anyfucker says you have to hope that they remember everything you've taught them up till this point.

Original poster
ConniesCuriousCandle · 29/11/2008 21:42

thankyou zazen

we can get on fine

i am still quite close o her in many ways and we have adult/daughetr friends in common which can help

i just fine it SO hard to keep biting my lip and be sweet as cherry pie when i know what she is like out of the hosue...

how can i overcome this?

I have not had this problem at all with teen boys

if they loathe me for a few weeks they would just keep their distance whereas she can be utterley AWFUL in all respects but still kind of hang round me ALL THE TIME

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Original poster
ConniesCuriousCandle · 29/11/2008 21:43

god i know i WONT take her out of school - she would drive me nuts for one...

BUT sending her everyday and then knowing whats going -down there is hard

dp says he has 'given up'

i wish i could

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