girls...god! i know what you mean exactly. ds will speak unkindly, go out, come back and ask quite pleasantly " whats for tea mum" like nothing happened, but girls seem to have an uncanny knack of bringing down a heavy armosphere in the whole house.
i does worry you as a parent who they are mixing with at school, however i always made a point not to blame others for the actions of my child " he/she got in with a bad crowd" really gets my goat. I find my daughter reacts incredibly well to my having expectations for her when she leaves school and dissapointment when she tells me of a gob shite moment with a teacher.
Got to say i realise after moving to a nice place 6 years ago, 300 miles away from the shithole where i went to school - that my daughter could have been attending a school where fighting, physical abuse and the occasional stabbing was normal.
when in that kind of environment, one has to ensure ones place in the social order of things. its a survival instict i think.
i think less shouty and more time together is the way forward. Yesterday i went walking the dog with dd, walking is great becuase gobshytey teens can't hold their own piss and you get to know loads and empart of advice etc. i think the best lesson i have leart, is to hold my tongue on smaller things and hope that to have theri confidence enoughthat they will tell you of bigger things.
i really make an effort to listen to what i term 'the teenage gossip vine' in my house, the twins (15) invariably know each others friends and have stories to tell about school and their friends out fo school. so i listen about how T's mum's BF takes drugs and was charged with murder when he was 18! i listen to the gossip of friend 'h' who most of the school has apparently had sex with - and i choose my words carefully even pitying- pity is much better than OMFGG YOU KNOW THESE PEOPLE!! SHIT ON A BRICK DD, STAY AWAY FROM THEM, FAR AWAY!
today i helped her tidy her room a bit, we hung up her posters and teddies and sorted bookshelf and talked and pisten to 'pink' cd. I really think she appreciates the time together.
my sympathies, act like a sponge, take it all in - be in the know - you can't help, advise or even suspect what they are getting up to - i always think its better to know. i know in my house, i can only 'know' if i remain interested in her friends and their activities and pass comment very very carefully. then spend time together making an effort to do so. to encourage them to like being in your presence.
then be the bad bastard when things go wrong. its a tight rope to be sure.
good luck