To want to throw in the towel on friend's wedding

[Jun]

I normally lurk....so here goes.

I'm supposed to be going to a childfree wedding in 1.5 weeks. DD is coming up to 5 months and it is all turning into such a mission, AIBU to be considering not going on the grounds that:

1. I have absolutely nothing to wear that fits me (admittedly this is my on fault) and will have to spend a lot on an outfit to wear possibly only once.
2. Trying to shop with DD for said outfit is nigh on impossible. Either I can't get the pram in the changing rooms or she gets really upset at the crucial moment (has limited attention span for being in pram not moving).
3. And the biggie, despite having bottles of expressed milk every week, last weekend DD repeatedly refused to take a bottle so having to try desperately to get her back on to it (which I would do anyway).
4. I'm going to have to express like some kind of prize milker to build up my stock in the freezer (depleted after weekends refusals) and to have milk to keep offering her the bottle.

Wedding is 1.5 hours drive away so I will not be able to feed her during the day, will have to leave about 10am, express throughout the day and stay sober so I can drive back at night (DP and I do not feel comfortable to leave her overnight just yet). So AIBU just to want to give in or should I be pulling out all the stops to attend a lovely friend's day?

My first thought is that if you end up not going, then you must think of a reason that would be acceptable/understandable to your friend, bearing in mind she (presumably) has no children, and you will want to remain friends with her!

Who were you going to leave dd with during the day? Is there a possibility (depending on how much you really want to attend) that she travels with you and is looked after nearby (at friend's house/hotel - perhaps you and dp could stay overnight if dd is in the vicinity of the wedding?) If that was an option then you could presumably pop and feed her after the ceremony, before/during reception etc.

p.s. re the outfit. Could you find/borrow a smartish pair of dark trousers and boots/shoes, then get a more dressy top? Doesn't have to be expensive, somewhere like Matalan may have something. As you are still bf, your shape may well change in a few months so you won't want to spend a lot. Or perhaps send away for a load from Next or some other website and try on at home.

In the circumstances would she really not allow yor dd to come with you? We had a pretty much child free wedding but one friends lo was about 6 months and still ebf with the same bottle refusal problems as you so in the end her lo came along too. It might be worth asking your friend and explaining

Yes I think if it were me I'd take DD and the babysitter with us for the day and pop out to feed her every so often, then either all drive back in the evening or stay in a hotel near by.

If its a very close friend she will understand I'm sure.
When DS2 was only a few weeks old I had the same dilemma. I ended up sending DH to the wedding on his own and I stayed home with the children!

1. Do not spend a fortune on a new outfit - buy something basic / simple you will wear again (which will if nothing else fits you) and glam up with jewellery. A wrap dress can be prettied up with heels for the wedding then worn with boots or flats for everyday, and will be cheaper than buying a suit or a 'wedding outfit', esp if you have a decent wool coat to go over it already.

1. Buy several sizes/styles online, try on at home and return the ones that don't fit

1. Go to the ceremony, have a glass of champagne, hug your friend and tell her she looks gorgeous, congratulate her husband, then leg it. With luck you should be home by 3pm and dd will only have missed one feed.

Have you tried expressing while dd is on the other side? was the only way I could get a decent amount.

Yes that is a good idea too, depending on how open you can be with your friend. Perhaps you could reassure her/guarantee that if your dd is at all unsettled during any quiet points (ceremony/speeches) then you or dp will be sitting near an exit and will take her straight out. (that is what I would do anyway)

I would speak to your friend ASAP and explain that your DD is refusing to take the bottle and so you will have difficulty attending - if she has no dc, she probably has no concept of why it would be a problem for you so just keep it simple. With a week and a half to go, she will probably be charged for your meals even if you don't attend.

Perhaps if she realises that it may have to be you and DD or neither of you she will relent and invite your DD. If she does, do reassure her that you will remove your DD from the ceremony if she starts to make any noise.

I'd just say that you are breastfeeding and she won't take a bottle so you can't be apart from her for any length of time. Yes you could cart your babysitter to a hotel near the wedding and shut them in a hotel room with your baby for the day but it sounds a bit miserable and rather too much effort.

You never know, she might relent and tell you that you can bring her as she's a baby

If you opt to do Mrs B's point 3 you could very diplomatically mention this to your friend ahead of time. (not in a "hinting" type way). It then gives her the option if she wants to change her mind and say if she is happy (for example) for you to bring dd to the reception.

We went to a childfree wedding a few years ago and a couple of people with small babies came but had arranged someone to be lurking around with the babies for bfs in between. The bride's mother looked a bit sniffy but she has a rep as a terrible dragon anyway! Could something like that work? It could even be a teenaged babysitter you trust who would love the chhance to earn a bit of cash. Alternatively, talk to your friend about it. If she has no children yet, she may simply not appreciate the logistics of catering for a bf baby. HTH

YANBU. Child-free weddings are a horrible, mean idea.

Jun I am going to childfree wedding in 2 weeks as well but the bride and groom have said if people are still b/f then those babies are welcome. I think your first option is to call them and ask if it would be ok to bring you LO as you are still breastfeeding.

I like the idea of taking the babysitter with you.

And can't your DP have her for a couple of hours while you do a quick dash to the shops on your own. Maybe you could do some online research on one shop, then nip in grab what you want to try on, make a decision and go. Or your dp could come with you/sit in the car with dd?

I really think you'll regret it more if you don't go.

can't a friend, relative or your dp look after your baby so you can go shopping?

And, as usual, my terrifically slow typing means that I've just repeated what everyone else has said.

I do think YABabitU. All the suggestions here are good ones and I'd second them. If your friend is a good friend, attending her wedding shouldn't be such a chore that you don't want to do it because you don't have anything to wear (I know, that's just a symptom really of the bigger issue).

I had a child free wedding when I was married the first time. . I was very young and had no comprehension of what this might mean for a bf baby. Anyway, the bride may have genuine reasons for a child free wedding (some people have dozens of badly behaved distant small cousins etc etc) and to include children may mean adding 50 or so extra guests on to the list.

I think honesty is the best policy really. Ring the friend, to say that you are desperately seeking a solution, but bottom line is you have a bf baby and while you really want to be there, it may prove to be logistically impossible.

I'd phone her, say 'having trouble getting her to take a bottle, if we make sure that she doesn't disturb anyone, can we bring her as I so don't want to miss your wedding and can't see another way out'.

If she agrees, buy a plain wrap dress, and buy a lovely ring sling (second hand ones are pretty reasonable and you can get beautiful silk ones) so that you can cart DD around without getting in the way, bf discreetly, and brighten a plain dress up.

Granny is babysitting and really excited about it, I'm not sure being marooned in a hotel for the day would have the same appeal but it is an option.

I would not ask my friend, if DD won't take the bottle then I think this is a very good reason not to go, if she offered to let her come that would be great but I would not want to ask so she had to say no IYSWIM.

I've been looking for some smart trousers, but being almost 6' tall I do have to look a bit harder.

Leaving earlier is an option also, though DD would probably have to wait 6 hours for her feed.

I need to call friend, at least to forewarn her that I am having this problem.

I think I would just take the baby with you on the day and the bride will be so caught up in her big day she really won't mind.
As long as you don't allow the baby to cry through the service, which is a public event anyway and you cannot stop people walking in on and joining in, hell we had golf club members join our reception.

Sorry to go against the trend but...I wouldn't ask my friend this close to the wedding, I'm sure she'll be stressed out ight now, and your request may well throw a spanner in the works!

Child-free weddings are often a sore point, and if she allows you to bring your bf baby, she may well end up offending any guests who may potentially have babies who are bottle fed and have had to go to the effort of finding child care for the day (sorry, I don't want this to become bf v ff. Also, because I ff, I have a question because I don't understand- surely a baby will take the bottle of EBM if mum is not present and baby is hungry? Could you have a trial morning before the wedding where you pop out and somebody else tries to feed baby for you? Sorry if this is a stupid question )

I went to a wedding last Christmas, dd was 6 months and we went without her and dd1 who was 2 at the time, stayed away for the night and had a lovely time- it was great for us and our relationship, so I am all for having a child-free day once in a blue moon.

As for clothes, I bought a satin-effect smock dress from Ebay and wore it with boots, and I felt really glam for a change- I think you should go.

NO I would definitely NOT "just take the baby". Without knowing the background it could cause all kinds of family rifts. Weddings can be emotionally charged anyway. It could be that it is no children for various reasons, if someone on the "bride's" side brings a baby regardless then who knows if it could cause some sort of disagreement with the inlaws etc etc. I really wouldn't do that.

Yes, call the friend, she then has the chance (without being asked) to either say "oh so sorry you won't be able to make it" or " oh of course bring the little one, but would you mind taking her out of the service if she cries"

also just to add, my main reason is fact that DD won't take the bottle, the clothes shopping part is just adding to the general stress.

Hopefully I will get late night shopping one evening this week (DP and Granny both work), or order online as has been suggested.

Haven't read through all this thread, but I would think that having a small baby who doesn't want to stop breastfeeding is a good enough excuse not to go to the wedding. I don't have a problem with child-free weddings at all but most people who have child-free weddings do not extend the ban to breast-feeding babies as this would be (nearly-ish) like asking pregnant women to leave their bumps at the door. The baby is still physically attached to you, really.
A good friend will understand the stress you are having over this and either welcome the baby to the wedding or not be upset if you can't come.

sympathies but my honest opinion is that this is not worth getting stressed about

a day at home with your lovely baby is much more lovely than a child-free wedding where you are uncomfortable and stressed

keep Granny's baby sitting services and maybe spend the morning getting a nice haircut or doing some christmas shopping - that way Granny will still enjoy her morning and you won't have the expense/stress of a day out

there will be other weddings