To want to throw in the towel on friend's wedding

[Jun]

I normally lurk....so here goes.

I'm supposed to be going to a childfree wedding in 1.5 weeks. DD is coming up to 5 months and it is all turning into such a mission, AIBU to be considering not going on the grounds that:

1. I have absolutely nothing to wear that fits me (admittedly this is my on fault) and will have to spend a lot on an outfit to wear possibly only once.
2. Trying to shop with DD for said outfit is nigh on impossible. Either I can't get the pram in the changing rooms or she gets really upset at the crucial moment (has limited attention span for being in pram not moving).
3. And the biggie, despite having bottles of expressed milk every week, last weekend DD repeatedly refused to take a bottle so having to try desperately to get her back on to it (which I would do anyway).
4. I'm going to have to express like some kind of prize milker to build up my stock in the freezer (depleted after weekends refusals) and to have milk to keep offering her the bottle.

Wedding is 1.5 hours drive away so I will not be able to feed her during the day, will have to leave about 10am, express throughout the day and stay sober so I can drive back at night (DP and I do not feel comfortable to leave her overnight just yet). So AIBU just to want to give in or should I be pulling out all the stops to attend a lovely friend's day?

it is just too close to the wedding to be bothering the bride imo
I know the benefit of hindsight and all that but I would have tunred down the invite at the time saying that you had no idea what your 5 month old would be like so it was better to turn ti down .
Is it yor friend's or dp's? could he go on his own and explain why oyu aren't there?

Some babies are very stubborn and reluctant and won't take a bottle of ebm. I think the op is worried that the baby will just "hold out" for hours until she returns, and ime this could happen. Could be upsetting for Granny and the little one. Currently the op's dd is refusing a bottle.

I agree with MP the best thing to do is not to go but I also think it is terribly rude to opt out one a d half weeks before the wedding which is why I would have tunred it down in the first place.

Sorry, just being truthful.

We had all sorts of people not showing up at our wedding, costs a fotune in meals you have to pay for that never get eaten and we could have invited other people...

Cupofteaplease DD was taking EBM from my DP fine until Friday when she refused. Tried on Saturday and Granny tried on Sunday (I was outfit shopping and had to rush back) with no joy.

I guess she sensed we were coming up to the important part and decided to throw a spanner in the works.

With any luck she'll get back on to it, and I'll find a lovely pair of long length trews and a top to accommodate my 36FF boobs. Positive thinking........

Compo did you not just have people turn up at the church you could have offered a meal to ?
We had random aunts and uncles and cousins turn up to the church who we hadn't invited and any spare places went to them.
I would not have noticed a 5 month old baby one my big day, I was far too busy enjoying myself and would rather my friend was there with her baby than not.

lol at the assumption everyone gets married in church

I would definitely contact the friend - I am sure she would much rather have the situation explained now than notice your absence on the day.

I had a child-free wedding but didn't mind the 2 people who were still breastfeeding bringing their baby. I think it is unreasonable to expect bf'ing mums to leave their baby behind.
cmotdibbler hsa a good suggestion.

Compo I accepted the invite whilst DD was fine on the bottle, had no way of knowing this might happen. Although glad it has happened with a bit of warning and not on the day itself.

I had a chat with a mutual friend on Sunday who thought bride was really taking it all in her stride so although she probably won't be over the moon if I say I won't come I don't think it will cause a huge problem. I probably should have called her on Sunday but will do so today. She is my friend not DPs.

Thanks for explaining that Jun and onepiece [smiles]

yes, give her a quick bell and ask if you can bring baby as will only breastfeed.
At least it leaves the ball in her court and you dont need to stress any more

I now have a 10 month old but was child free on our wedding day, and made it non children (which most adults said they preferred, apart from one).

I think you are being unreasonable (sorry)

You should have refused the invite at the time, have you any idea how upset the bride will be if you now cancel (if you are a day time guest).

You can shop online, buy something cheap from ebay?

I appreciate that the breast feeding is an issue but again you would have known this months ago and I think its too late to cancel. Weddings cost around £70 per head for a day time guest, they won't get any of that money back at this stage.

I would ebay, go the ceremony and the meal and leave (driving) afterwards to be back for DD, as someone else said you would only miss one feed.

also have you tried getting her to take ebm from someone else, my DD refused a bottle from me (when I was breast feeding) but would take it from other people if I were not in the room, try it and it will make you feel more confident about leaving her for one feed.

sorry Jun just read that DD was taking the bottle ok until recently.

Is there anyone who could take DD along and you could meet between ceremony and meal to feed her?

I didn't invite any babies at all because it seemed unfair to invite one but not another. Only one friend wanted to bring her baby and she was a night time guest, I offered her our bridal suite for him to sleep but she refused. In the end she came without her DP, he babysat and she had a great child free time.

Pamelat DD takes EBM from DP and Granny when I am out of the room - or even the house, or did up until Friday. When I accepted I was able to leave her with DP or Granny and a bottle no problem. I had no idea this would happen.

Sorry Pamelat, cross posts!

You're really not going to know until the last minute if your bf baby will take a bottle though are you?

If the baby won't take a bottle, it's not very fair on the grandma (or the baby) to leave them for the day.

I think it's massively unrealistic to say that you should refuse all baby-free invitations on the offchance that something might happen that prevents you from attending (be it this or the baby suddenly getting ill or something)

I think explaining to the bride is fair - in such a way that she can either say ' oh bring the baby' or 'Sorry you can;t make it'. Because there are times when one person bringing a baby to a supposedly child-free wedding can cause major upsets (such as if someone close to the groom has just had a MC or something but doesn;t want it broadcast).

I really, really hate child free weddings. One of my schoolfriends expected us to find a night & day babysitter for 3 under 3 year olds, including a 10 week old baby. I think not.

I'd say 'I'm extremely sorry but on reflection, this isn't going to work for us. I'm breastfeeding DD and so she's dependent on me to feed. I'm sorry we won't be able to come.'

Then the ball is in her court to say either 'OK, fine' or 'no, do bring her'.

Only thing is, if you take DD to the wedding, you may come up against some funny looks and tutting from other parents who have made alternative arrangements for their children.

Did I mention that I really, really hate child-free weddings?

As has been said earlier, I'm sure your friend has no idea about the implications of what she is asking.

At our wedding, due to reasons of space we had to restrict DC invites to people who had to travel and hence couldn't have left their DCs. For those people who lived more locally most actually asked us not to invite DCs as they wanted a guilt free fun day, but one friend called to ask if she could bring her DS as she was BF. Absolutely no problem at all from my point of view as he wasn't old enough to need a high chair, so didn't interfere with seating arrangements, and would expect friends to be sensible enough to sit near exit during ceremony so if he had been unsettled they would take him out.

Honestly I think you are getting all stressed about nothing. Just ask your friend, I am sure she will be fine.

How good a friend is she?

For a v good friend, I would take Granny and DD and put them in a hotel nearby so that you can bf throughout the day. This is expensive and a faff so would have to be a GOOD friend.

Regarding clothes, I would just put on a pair of black trousers and smart shoes and try to find a dressy top/do hair etc.

For anyone else, then I would just not go.

I had an invite when my DD was 3 months old and breastfed. I also had my DS (aged 2) and the childfree wedding was 4 hours away. We just refused the invite as to go would have been a ridiculous palava costing many hundreds of pounds. Childfree weddings make me really angry, but for a very good friend, I wouldn't say anything and I would try to fix it up so that I could go.

I think any friend that is worth keeping will be understandind, I quite understand what you mean about it becoming a mission. A few people didn't turn up at my wedding and it was an expensive waste but they didn't even tell me on the day they couldn't make it, if one of them had a week before I would have been fine about it. I know some people make a big thing out of not attending other people's special occasions but I think if the set up doesn't make it reasonable for you to go, then don't. There have been alot of helpful suggestions on the thread, if none of them work for you then just let her know as soon as possible and don't let any negativity get to you, you and your dp are resposnsible for a young child now and have to factor that into it.

Have called friend and she was really lovely about it, said she'd be more disappointed if we could not make it then be worried about paying for our meals.

Have left it with her that I will keep her updated as to progress with the bottle. I was probably feeling a bit defeatist when I started this thread am no going to think positively.

That is great news Jun. ....RARE SHOCK NEWS Mumsnet AIBUer actually acts on advice provided in thread rather than having a hissy fit and disappearing off in a flounce...

Good on you for phoning her up. Now why don't you post in Style and Beauty to get some low cost inspirational ideas for your wedding outfit.

well done for phoning

so did she still say you can't bring yor breastfed baby?!! I would have thought as you'd specifically phoned her she'd have backtracked and said it was fine1!!