To want to throw in the towel on friend's wedding

[Jun]

I normally lurk....so here goes.

I'm supposed to be going to a childfree wedding in 1.5 weeks. DD is coming up to 5 months and it is all turning into such a mission, AIBU to be considering not going on the grounds that:

1. I have absolutely nothing to wear that fits me (admittedly this is my on fault) and will have to spend a lot on an outfit to wear possibly only once.
2. Trying to shop with DD for said outfit is nigh on impossible. Either I can't get the pram in the changing rooms or she gets really upset at the crucial moment (has limited attention span for being in pram not moving).
3. And the biggie, despite having bottles of expressed milk every week, last weekend DD repeatedly refused to take a bottle so having to try desperately to get her back on to it (which I would do anyway).
4. I'm going to have to express like some kind of prize milker to build up my stock in the freezer (depleted after weekends refusals) and to have milk to keep offering her the bottle.

Wedding is 1.5 hours drive away so I will not be able to feed her during the day, will have to leave about 10am, express throughout the day and stay sober so I can drive back at night (DP and I do not feel comfortable to leave her overnight just yet). So AIBU just to want to give in or should I be pulling out all the stops to attend a lovely friend's day?

No compo, someone else has already asked and she told them no so as not to offend me and they are not coming. I really would not have felt comfortable asking as apart from anything else refusal may offend!

Thanks rookiemaster, I have posted in Style already (although still a newbie it is already impossible for me to make decisions without first consulting mumsnet: cue posts about whether Jun should have toast or cornflakes for breakkie).

I am liking the trouser idea, then I can wear them over Xmas too. Just have to find a pair to fit my gangly legs and wide behind.

Sorry Jun, I misunderstood and thought your friend had implicitly agreed you could bring your DD along.

So the wedding is in 1.5 weeks. Exactly how much progress does she think will be made by then. Or sod that, she has no kids, how much progress do you think will be made by then ? Sounds kind of stressful on top of getting your outfit sorted out.

So if your DD isn't taking the bottle, what exactly has been agreed ? Does it mean you are not going ?

what a shame Jun.

I can offer my friend;s experience here - she wanted a child-free wedding, most people were fine with it but one friend wasn't, still bf'ing but her mum lived 5 mins from the church and the reception venue, so not much of a trauma. I think my friend would have backed down if she had been asked nicely about it but the bf'ing one wrote her a seriously snotty letter about how unreasonable she was being and how it was impossible for her to leave the bf baby AT ALL, and my friend would understand when, if ever, she had her own (friend was 3m pg at the time) and FLOUNCED seriously. They have never made it up.

This friend's DH's cousin had a baby 4weeks prior to the wedding, and despite the above furore, that baby was allowed to come - and cried through the ceremony, which was the one thing my friend had wanted to avoid. She had DC at the reception, she just didn't want them at the church.

So, despite the fact that another person has asked and been denied, I think you should still explain it to your friend that the reason you might not be able to make it is because your DD won't take the bottle, so you will have to leave it until the last minute to make a decision. She may just say "oh bring her along if that is the case" - she might not. But at least you have given yourself the option!

'she'd be more disappointed if we could not make it then be worried about paying for our meals. '

such a shame she didn't just change her mind as she might still be disappointed!!

I see what you are all saying, maybe if I don't get to go and if she is put in the same situation with a young baby she will feel a little sheepish about it.

We left it that I was going to keep trying with DD and keep her posted, and she wouldn't mind if I let her know the day before. I'd like to get DD back on the bottle anyway as it is nice for DP and also means time away for me, although would be nicer not to have a deadline!

If your DD can't even be taken shopping, she's not going to cope well in the ceremony or the meal. She sounds like the kind of baby they don't want there (and I would say this about 2 of my own children before I'm accused of being nasty! ) The only option that would work is the one where someone looks after her during the wedding stuff and you go out to feed her as necessary.

SAVE YOUR MONEY

Just go christmas shopping instead and let Granny look after her for the morning

These things are too important to be rushed and stressful

My advice is BEST btw

Ick. Would just like to say Jun I have full sympathy for you. My DD was a very clingy baby and wouldn't take a bottle either, and at 5 months there was no way I could have left her with anyone, let alone coped with the stress of trying to organise it!

It does get easier, and my DD is now very gregarious and confident, and I like to think feeding her and carrying her around when she needed it has helped her to be that way.

We were invited to a couple of child-free weddings too - the first one we didn't mind not going to, as they weren't particularly close friends.
The second one upset me a bit, as it was a woman from my NCT group. The Bridesmaid called the day before to find out if we were still able to come and said she was sorry when I told her we hadn't got a babysitter and she crossed us off the list. Then I heard the bride's 1 yr old daughter was there (ok, fair enough) and that one of the other girls from our group had turned up with her 1 yr old son without warning and was given a high chair!
Grrrrr.

If we'd invited all our friends' children it would have taken up a fifth of the total of 100 places we had at our reception: that's 20 friends we couldn't have asked.

So we welcomed b/fing/small babies (who don't need a place at a table anyway) and family children only.

One friend who had a two-week old bottle-fed baby asked if she could leave the baby with the maternity nurse and bring her 14-month instead. I just said yes. [shrug]

It is tempting morningpaper, but talking to her made me realise how much I'd like to go. It is going to be a hassle though and I think she appreciates that. All depends on DD......

I think you're taking the right approach. I do feel that sometimes, friendship does involve a certain amount of sacrifice. And going to a friend's wedding is one of those things you should do your absolute best to do if you can, especially when you said you could.

Obviously, if things happen making it harder, fine. But you're trying and if I was your friend, that would mean a lot to me.

Ah lovely sounds like a good approach. Hope things work out and you can pop in for a bit.

I had a child free wedding and my friend who had 1 mnth old was going to come to the ceremony only (1hr drive max each way, so she'd only be away for 3hrs) and then go home. Which was fine. In the end she texted me the night before to say DC was so ill she couldnt come after all..

While I was sad to not have her there it was fine to change at last minute- for her sake it was fine to have her absent rather than there and stressed.

She didnt ask but I wouldnt have relented re brining babies either due to the issues it would have caused with others.

Jun - just wanted to echo thell's post about bf babies who won't take a bottle even of EBM. My dd was exactly the same so she was pretty much glued to me for 9 months until I got her on a cup. And she used to cry the entire bloomin' time... couldn't shop, or meet friends for coffee or anything. Anyway, she's 5 now and (if I do say so myself), lovely lovely lovely, really sociable and happy, and the months of it being a bit stressy seem a long time ago. Sounds like you're giving your LO a great start.

A small bf baby is a good reason....call and tell her, she may suggest you come anyway. A baby is a good distraction for a poor outfit!!!

All this hassle just so you can go to a wedding.

I'd drop a note.

Dear Bride

I am ever so sorry but despite continuing to try DD with the bottle we have had no luck. The constant attempts were getting too much and were causing distress to all of us, so I am afraid that I will have to miss your wedding after all.

I am really upset to be missing it but will raise a glass to you on the day.

Hope you have a wonderful time.

Jun

Then do as MP says, go out shopping, enjoy yourself, most of all stop stressing yourself and DD to please someone else.

"This friend's DH's cousin had a baby 4weeks prior to the wedding, and despite the above furore, that baby was allowed to come - and cried through the ceremony, which was the one thing my friend had wanted to avoid."

To everyone who thinks that people who have child-free weddings are evil, that is why. It's not that they don't trust you to take your child out of the room if they are making a lot of noise, because of course you are a considerate person who wouldn't let their child run up and down the aisle in church orr scream nonstop during speeches, but some people would, and you could hardly write 'only well-behaved children with polite parents allowed'.

WifeandMotherof4 - she did call and was told to update the btide of her progress using a bottle

I haven't read replies, but my wedding was child free but my best mate came with her tiny baby as she was breast feeding. It would of been wrong for me to keep a baby away from it's mother when breastfeeding.

How stressful for both concerned - I remember what a nightmare it was to express.

However, I have a problem with people who don't remove babies from the church when they cry, been to a few weddings where this has happened and haven't been able to hear what the priest/vicar is saying. For some reason the mothers don't care/click what is happening and that's gets me so mad.

I took my 5mo to a friends wedding three hours drive away booked a hotel room, and a registred childminder to babysit in the evening.
Baby screamed in church (took him out, BF him), missed the whole ceremony. it was a very hot day and with such a long journey he just wanted to feed all day he was so hot and thirsty.
He hated all the people cooing at him at got completely overwhlemed and stressed, husban ended up mssing whole meal I had to take it up to the room where he was lying with baby trying to calm him.
Siad husband tried to make up for lost time once CM arrived and got completely pissed and was back in bed for half ten sending CM home. I couldnt drink much as BF and back upstairs feeding, fell asleep at 11.30pm
TOTAL WASTE OF TIME AND MONEY (but glad I didnt miss it in another way). So wouldn't recommend taking the baby.
I would say just forget it or drive over in the evening for a drink and stay in a hotel with your husband, if it is your friend would your husband not baby sit at the hotel for you?

Surely the only way to handle these things is to say babies under 6 months can come?
It's unfair to tell bottle feeding mums that they have to get a babysitter, the babies don't need highchairs etc, and mothers won't want to be separated from tiny babies whether bf or ff!
OP - hope you can get something sorted.

I think if a friend wants a child free wedding and you've a tiny baby, and she won't let you bring the tiny baby, you have every right not to go!

Do you want to go?

I was asked to my friend's wedding when ds1 was 8 weeks. I could not countenance the idea of it, I was just overhwelmed - nearly lost my friend and felt really bad about it, especially as I was meant to be bridemaid initially, but got pregnant

we're friends again now but it wasn't fun falling out, I really upset her, I always still wonder if I could have done it if i hadn';t been so anxious about it.

I think when you have a baby that baby just takes over your whole life really, your mind can't cope with things that used to be fun or shopping or anything - none of it matters as much. I wouldn't want to leave my baby behind either at that age.

Oh and my baby was invited too - but I still couldn't manage it!

R2G sounds like you had a rough time of it.
I took my bf 8mo DS to a wedding in August - long ol' drive to get there (3.5 hours) but he was pretty good most of the drive, we stopped once to feed him on the way just to keep him going.

We got to the church with 3 mins to spare, overtook the bride on the doorstep and yet DS was perfectly well behaved throughout the ceremony. If he hadn't been, I would have taken him out of course, but he was fine.

He was good through the meal except when he needed feeding too so I took him up to our room (reception in the hotel where we were staying), fed him and brought him back happy. Later on, I took him up for his last feed and put him into night clothes, settled him in his pushchair (laid flat like a bed) and came back down with him asleep. Finally went to bed about 10pm, taking him back with me.

I am not trying to gloat, just offering a positive experience of taking a young bf baby to a wedding.

Thumbwitch that sounds lovely but the OP's baby isn't invited.

Surely if you specify a child-free wedding you are prepared for some guests to be unable to come?