to have sent dp's mother this after a yr of ignoring my baby?

[TheLadyEvenstar]

I had ds2 last September 2007 and dps mother has never seen him, lied about being out of the country on his 1st b'day, seeing a photo of ds1, ds2 and dss and saying what a lovely photo of those 2 pointing to ds2 and dss (with dp;s sister). I have sent numerous emails with photos in until a few weeks back and she sends messages with dps sis to say they are nice but will never email me to ask how he is, then asks dp's sis if she could keep her updated on ds2s progress!!!!

Dear B,

I have not bothered sending you any photos of Z since his 1st birthday when you said you were flying to India the day of the party yet were online. I now know you are not at all interested in your grandson and I have accepted the fact that my second son has a grandmother, if I can call you that, mirroring my first sons grandmother... Selfish, Ignorant, and most of all nasty to a small child.

As far as I am concerned you are punishing my son for the actions of your son....very mature of you, I believed you to be an adult not a stroppy teenager.....I can now see where G gets his sometimes petulant attitude from.

G has not paid any money to C for J as I am sure you have already been informed as he is not working, I am supporting us all, until he finds work....after all that is what FAMILIES do.....obviously something you would know nothing about after walking out on 2 children who needed you...yet you have a problem with the fact G followed in your footsteps..he had a very good teacher from what I have learnt from both of your children. A mother does not walk out on her children for any reason, well a decent mother doesn't. Oh and for your information my son will not grow up without a grandmother as my Mum see;S him every day he has a loving Nanna and lets face it you are the one who is missing out you have 3 that is THREE biological grandchildren and chose to know 2 of them.

As for Christmas as I am sure this will be passed on to you. J, K and Z are all having the same amount spent on them £50 and that is all. G has asked J to come fishing and other places with us and unless there is money involved J does not want to know. We are not wealthy people. So while you are blaming G for the lack of contact realise that J has been asked to come out with us and often refuses, we also offered to take him on holiday but he did not want to go as it was not abroad. Just for once realise the truth G is not to blame for everything nor am I and Z certainly isn't.

You've seriously sent that? Well I think yabu, massively so actually and really very rude in to the bargain. In such a climate of rudeness may I suggest that the reason your mil hasn't been near you is nothing to do with her son or grandson but rather to do with you? Either way I wouldn't trouble you again after reading that e-mail and I suspect that actually will suit you very well.

It is clear that you are livid and very hurt.
Have you actually sent that email?
If so, it is likely to cause a lot of trouble, mainly for your DP I expect.

My DP's mother hasn't seen DD since she was about 5 months old she's nearly 10months now and I would love to send something like that but I wouldn't cos poor ol' DP wouldn't hear the last of it and it would make things very awkward for him.

I hope you haven't sent it and I hope you file it away somewhere very secure and suggest you ring her and ask her if everything is ok as you haven't seen her for a long time?

Sorry I should have explained she won't have anything to do with Dp because he and the ex split up after 22yrs together, nothing to do with me i hasten to add. I did send it because the sister keeps asking me how ds2 is doing so she can let the mother know....if she wants to know she should come and see him, god knows we have asked her. When dp emailed her to tell her i was pg she told him he was being ridiculous at his time of life!!!!

She has only seen him once in 5 years and that was in 2006 when he was very ill in hospital and i got her number, she came to the hosp played the doting mum and then when dp asked if he could meet her for coffee she told him that he could when he came to his senses and went back to the ex.

Hmmmm - well I don't think it was unsurprising that she mentioned his age - if he was with his previous partner for 22 years he must be in the region of 40? Not hugely helpful of her, but understandable nevertheless. I don't think her comment about him coming to his senses is hugely outrageous or astonishing either. His ex was in her life for 22 years, they had a child together, her grandchild right? You can't expect her to just to scrub all that and say 'excellent you've moved on, I will too' People don't work that way. I'm sorry if this is painful to you but you cannot pretend that your dp doesn't have a previous relationship history and you can't expect everyone around you both to pretend that either. When her son was ill she came to see him. Through her daughter she has sought to get news of her grandson. I have to say - the lady sounds ok to me. She will doubtless be very hurt and angry at your e-mail and I expect that was your aim so bravo

I agree with NL - The only reason we are annoyed with Dp's mother (and family) is that they live only 30 mins away, are on the computer everyday and we haven't even had a "how is she" - His mother works 2 mins walk from our house.

I think that I understand why you were hurt and why you wanted to say those things to her but I think you should have wrote it down then ripped it up.

I hope things can be salvaged from this.

Northern, I don't expect her to scrub the past out, hell I am the one who encouraged dp to see his ds1. Yes he is in his 40's, 46 to be exact.

Her comment about coming to his senses was outragous, they have been apart 5 years and that was before we met even.

She may sound ok but from what i do know of her she isn't. When i called her the second time to explain dp had gone back into hospital she said "well you just take care of him, I am busy this week as we are going away next week". Ok it was not life threatening but surely some concern???

Lucky, there is nothing to salvage, thats why I felt i could say how I felt. She has never seen ds2 except in photos which i have emailed her. Other than the time DP was in hospital she has spent no time with him, even when he phoned her to say ds2 had been born and he was in a state as he was in SCBU. She hung up on him after telling him she was busy, my ds1 heard this.

Lucky also they only live 40 minutes away and are on pc everyday so a quick mail to say thanks for the photos, or a reply to the birthday invite wouldn't have cost anything

I understand your anger with all these things happening but maybe she just feels a HUGE loyalty to her daughter in law. Yes some/most of the things she's said have been wrong to say but I think that was mean. Sorry but I do.

She may feel a loyalty to dps ex partner, but she is also angry with do for doing what she did. The difference is his kids didn't come home and find him gone unlike what she did.

I can't see how it is mean to be honest. She has ignored ds2, she never even sent an email saying happy birthday ok he wouldn't be able to read it as he is only 1 lol.

This is mean!!

mirroring my first sons grandmother... Selfish, Ignorant, and most of all nasty to a small child.

She's not nasty she's just handling it wrong.

To quote her

"I have 2 grandsons"

when actually she has 3, dps 2 from first relationship and ds2 with me.

Thats nasty....and for the record it is mirroring my ds1's grandmother, she won't talk to him as I split with her precious wife beating son!

I understand your anger and hurt on bahlf of your DS2 butI don;tunderstand what you expect to acheive by that email.

Presumably its notto try to encourage her to see DS2. Was it to make you feel better? Did it? Do you feel better about the situation now?

I am very understanding of shitty grandparents DS is nearly three and has never met my father who lives about 40 minute drive away. SOmetimes it makes me angry and sad but can't see what getting vitriolic (however true) about it would acheive.

Sorry I'm still not getting this - your dp was admitted to hospital with a non-life threatening problem. You ring her to inform her of this and she asks you - his life partner - to take care of him instead of dropping everything and rushing to nurse her 40yr old son (who she hasn't spoken to for x amount of time anyway). Plainly the woman's a monster who absolutely deserved to receive a vitriolic e-mail insulting her and accusing her of cruelty.

Furthermore I simply don't believe her response to hearing her grandchild was in SCBU was to simply hang up. Perhaps you should get some more details from your 'petulant' dp about the conversation. To me this all sounds like a classic two sides to every story. I've remembered where I've seen you posting before - you're the laptop lady aren't you. I'm sorry but I think you need to reflect on your temper and your judgement because right now my money would be backing the mil.

Ok - off to bed.

Don't think yabu, my step mil ensures that dh's father has very little to do with our children.

Her own son emigrated recently and within 1 week of him & his family arriving, fil and step mil had made arrangements to go out and stay with them for a few weeks. They live about 24 hours away from UK.

We live 2 hours away by plane, 8-10 if you drive, but they have not been to visit for 18 months, we've been to theirs twice in that time.
They always manage to find some excuse.

When dh was growing up, most school holidays, he would spend at his grandparents, so step mil could spend some quality time with her own children.

We were involved in an accident on our way to see them last year. She phoned dh up, not to see how we were, but to tell him how lovely it had been to have the whole family round!!!

Sorry for hijack of thread but have just found out that they are staying over Hogmany, I'm working thankfully, but I am dreading spending any time in their company.

Kew tbh, i just needed to get it off my chest, I have played along, sending the emails to show her his development. Not once has she sent a mail to say thankyou, which wouldn't have hurt. And when she said to dp in an email AFTER ds2 turned 1, I have 2 grandsons I kinda flipped within myself about it. I had to tell her what I thought...and yes I probably could have worded it better....unfortunatly I just said what I felt.

BTW - BOTH your kids are gorgeous

Sometimes they just need to hear what you feel, it's not as if things could get any worse!

Sorry I'm still not getting this - your dp was admitted to hospital with a non-life threatening problem. You ring her to inform her of this and she asks you - his life partner - to take care of him instead of dropping everything and rushing to nurse her 40yr old son (who she hasn't spoken to for x amount of time anyway). Plainly the woman's a monster who absolutely deserved to receive a vitriolic e-mail insulting her and accusing her of cruelty.

The first time he was admitted to hospital they didn't know what was wrong, it turned out to be nothing serious because it was caught in time. thats when she came to see him. The second time he collapsed at home, bearing in mind I was 6m pg at the time. And then again in the A&E department...He was in hospital for 8 days, she could have at least called me to see if he was ok. I didn't ask her to nurse him I called her to let her know he was ill and she was not interested.

Furthermore I simply don't believe her response to hearing her grandchild was in SCBU was to simply hang up. Perhaps you should get some more details from your 'petulant' dp about the conversation. To me this all sounds like a classic two sides to every story. I've remembered where I've seen you posting before - you're the laptop lady aren't you. I'm sorry but I think you need to reflect on your temper and your judgement because right now my money would be backing the mil

Actually she did hang up as I said ds1 heard the conversation as dp was on the phone in the car as they drove home....via the sat nav. I have heard it from ds1 and dp....they can't both be wrong telling me the same thing at different times.

Yes i did post about the laptop and within reason....I don't have a temper anymore than anyone else....I do however take offence at my ds2 being punished for nothing other than me meeting his father After he and exp split up.... and it was not a few weeks later but 2 yrs.

I guess we are different then. I decided that if my father couldn't be the grandparent that DS deserves then he effectively wouldn't be a grandparent and as a result we have little to do with him. I expect nothing from him, I send a Xmas card and photo once a year and thats it.

I took a decision that taking the moral high ground and refraining from telling him he was an ignorant arse was, on balance, probably better for all concerned if only to avoid a pile of hassle which isn't going to result in him being any better or more interested a parent/grandparent.

If you feel better and that was your aim, then job done.

I suspect it will somewhere along the line be more hassle for you/your DP but I expect you don't really care.

Lucky, Thankyou...as you can see i have a big age gap lol 9 yrs....i must be mad!!!

Another, exactly nothing can get any worse lol its not as if she has a relationship with dp or ds2....I could understand easier if I was trying to get her to be visit my ds1.....actually no i couldn't

Kew, i can't see where there would be any hassle as I said it is not as if there is any relationship anyway. But when she told dp she had 2 grandchildren....it ruffled my feathers ever so SLIGHTLY

if it makes you feel any better, I as admitted to hosptial for cancer biopsy and was told in advance chances were very high it was cancer. My sister rang my dad. HE never claled back to find out the results. When I was admitted to hospital in Sept with potentially life-threatening illness no-one actually bothered to ring my father.

Maybe your MIL is a shit mother (it happens) but you do realise nothing you say is going to make her any better if that is the case and resorting to namecalling (even if true) is just going to make you equally shitty to anyone who sees that email(oh and she will share it around I assume). Just don't think you have done yoruself any favours.

Kew, I hope you are ok!!!!

I know it won't make any difference to the way she is and yes she probably will share it round........

Maybe I should post her a lovely card for xmas and a blown up photo of ds1 and ds2 lolol