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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have sent dp's mother this after a yr of ignoring my baby?

111 replies

TheLadyEvenstar · 11/11/2008 23:20

I had ds2 last September 2007 and dps mother has never seen him, lied about being out of the country on his 1st b'day, seeing a photo of ds1, ds2 and dss and saying what a lovely photo of those 2 pointing to ds2 and dss (with dp;s sister). I have sent numerous emails with photos in until a few weeks back and she sends messages with dps sis to say they are nice but will never email me to ask how he is, then asks dp's sis if she could keep her updated on ds2s progress!!!!

Dear B,

I have not bothered sending you any photos of Z since his 1st birthday when you said you were flying to India the day of the party yet were online. I now know you are not at all interested in your grandson and I have accepted the fact that my second son has a grandmother, if I can call you that, mirroring my first sons grandmother... Selfish, Ignorant, and most of all nasty to a small child.

As far as I am concerned you are punishing my son for the actions of your son....very mature of you, I believed you to be an adult not a stroppy teenager.....I can now see where G gets his sometimes petulant attitude from.

G has not paid any money to C for J as I am sure you have already been informed as he is not working, I am supporting us all, until he finds work....after all that is what FAMILIES do.....obviously something you would know nothing about after walking out on 2 children who needed you...yet you have a problem with the fact G followed in your footsteps..he had a very good teacher from what I have learnt from both of your children. A mother does not walk out on her children for any reason, well a decent mother doesn't. Oh and for your information my son will not grow up without a grandmother as my Mum see;S him every day he has a loving Nanna and lets face it you are the one who is missing out you have 3 that is THREE biological grandchildren and chose to know 2 of them.

As for Christmas as I am sure this will be passed on to you. J, K and Z are all having the same amount spent on them £50 and that is all. G has asked J to come fishing and other places with us and unless there is money involved J does not want to know. We are not wealthy people. So while you are blaming G for the lack of contact realise that J has been asked to come out with us and often refuses, we also offered to take him on holiday but he did not want to go as it was not abroad. Just for once realise the truth G is not to blame for everything nor am I and Z certainly isn't.

OP posts:
anothernameforme · 12/11/2008 00:43

It is sad but she is the one missing out.

That's what I tell myself anyway, I'm happier with the knowledge that my children will never have a proper relationship with dh's parents, than getting stressed about trying to involve 2 people in my children's lives, who obviously don't want to have anything to do with them.

Did anything happen about your laptop, saw your thread about it?

(am a regular who name changed for tonight but forgot to change back )

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 12/11/2008 00:48

Another, no nothing happened about laptop....am gtting it repaired this week.

OP posts:
anothernameforme · 12/11/2008 00:55

couldn't believe that friends had done that and then not said anything!

I'm going to go to the Ceramic Experience this week and get get both dds' handprints taken and the clay then made into a photo frame. Will even throw in a new pic as the one they have is from last year when dd2 was only 8 weeks old!!

wouldn't life be so much nicer easier without inlaws?

going to bed now as have just realised that it's nearly 1am and dd2 still refuses to believe that she should sleep all night!

like your idea of the christmas card btw

ChillyTilly · 12/11/2008 08:47

Seems I'm going against the flow here, but I don't think you are being unreasonable.

By the sounds of it she's been a lousey mother all her life, and now she's being a lousy grandmother. Well, clearly she has been allowed to get away with it. Good for you for calling her on it and telling her you're not putting up with her crap. What's the point in pretending she's a part of your life when she's not?

Marriages break up, she should deal with it! If she can't, too bad. It doesn't sounds as though you can make matters worse anyway.

Make sure your SIL is aware of what you've done. By the sounds of it she may be the one who could bear the brunt. Will she be supportive of your actions?

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 12/11/2008 09:34

Chilly when the mother walked out on dp and his sister they were 13 and 14. she went off and married someone else. At 16 sil went off on her own and had no contact with the family for over 20yrs. I found her on friends reunited and dp and her got back in touch. Even they don't talk now, only her and I and thats because i feel ds2 should know someone in his fathers family!!!

I am of the belief that if i have something to say I must say it rather than bottle it up!!! lol

OP posts:
Kewcumber · 12/11/2008 09:39

I am actually sympathetic being in a similar position with my father I just think that you are trying to coerce her into being a different person to what she is. Why would you want DS2 to know her if she is such a nightmare, why will he benefit?

I'm a huge fan of keeping in touch with family and supporting each other and its been a long and painful process to decide to let my father go.

HGowever you seem to be the one getting stressed and angry by it all, why do you epxect her to be any differnt to how she is if she;s been that way all her life?

Just drop her - no need to be nasty about it, just quietly drop her and move on with people you care about.

Surfermum · 12/11/2008 09:50

It does sound like there is a lot of history here and I can see why you are feeling hurt. She sounds awful.

But I'm not sure how sending this to her will help, or how it will change things. I think you should have written it all out to get it off your chest and then burnt it. I think you need to accept what she is like and not let her hurt you any more.

LongDroopyBoobyLady · 12/11/2008 09:56

I think you need to move on. Your MIL has made it very obvious she doesn't want you in her life and swapping insults isn't going to improve the relationship (if you can call it a relationship).

pamelat · 12/11/2008 10:10

I'm confused.

Did your partner leave his wife to be with you and then you had a son? Is it the children from his previous marriage that she is interested in?

Sorry for being a bit thick about this, its early in the morning!!

If you did send it, have you heard back?

nametaken · 12/11/2008 10:16

YABU - If you want to send her e-mail pictures of your ds then send them because you want to send them. Not because you'd like her to grovel with gratitude because you sent her something.

I think you'll regret sending that e-mail in years to come, sorry

arcticlemming · 12/11/2008 10:34

Her attitude must be very hurtful and I understand why you are angry. However, I'm not sure it's your place to have written to her like that. Despite all her faults she's your DP's mother, and it may be that he will want to make further attempts to extend the olive branch in years to come. This letter will make any reconciliation even more difficult.

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 12/11/2008 10:43

No he had left his ex partner 3 yrs before we met. yes it is the children from previous relationship she is interested in...1 is 23 and the other 15 (almost)

She asked for photos via sil.

he has tried to talk to her, she has said she will never forgive him for leaving exp. unfortunatly she cannot understand that these things happen and people move on with their lives....as the saying goes it takes 2 to tango....and exp has told me they were both at fault in the relationship....

OP posts:
rebelmum1 · 12/11/2008 10:53

Oh dear no you haven't!!!! This is all the sort of stuff you think in your head and never say!!!

rebelmum1 · 12/11/2008 10:54

Does your dp know you have sent this? Surely it is up to him to say anything in his behalf not you. Crumbs.

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 12/11/2008 10:55

lol rebel.....but i had to say it to someone and who better than the person in question? as i said it isn't as if things were ever going to change between dp and his mother, or ds2 and her.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 12/11/2008 10:56

yes he knows, and he understands why i sent it.

OP posts:
pingping · 12/11/2008 10:59

I agree with Rebelmum1 your DP should of said something not you.

You should not involve yourself in your partners past if you wanted to send an email regarding your DS then you should of just said about your DS nothing more.

There is always 2 sides to every story and yes your MIL sounds like a bitch but you have lowered yourself to her leval and now she has got even more reason to hate you and not have anything to do with your son.

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 12/11/2008 11:04

You should not involve yourself in your partners past if you wanted to send an email regarding your DS then you should of just said about your DS nothing more.

I am involved in his past when the ex won't allow dss here unless I am here...still not got to the bottom of that one!

OP posts:
rebelmum1 · 12/11/2008 11:08

My dd hasn't seen dp's mother for a year, but she has sent a card from her holiday on her birthday. I have tried to keep out of it as I can't abide the woman. My dp has handled communications I have just not answered her calls . Mainly because she brings out the worst in me and I say really nasty snidey things.. you should have just written - you evil old bag .. it amounts to the same

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 12/11/2008 11:10

lol rebel....well it is done now........and i do feel better getting it off my chesticles.

OP posts:
rebelmum1 · 12/11/2008 11:12

yes as long as you have dp's support, I'd personally draw a line under it now, wash your hands of her and count yourself lucky you don't have her malign influence in your life.

roobarbschmoobarb · 12/11/2008 11:14

I was in a similar position with my step-father. He and my mum married when i was 7 and having no contact with my own father (my choice for a number of reasons) he was the only father i knew. But a while back he said he didnt want to come here to visit us. Mum said dont you want to see your grandchildren, his reply was no because they're not my grandchildren (even though they had been to visit us and us them on as regular a basis as the distance between us allows). I was unbelievably hurt, upset and angry. I wrote a thousand letters in a similar vein to yours in my head. I rehearsed as many phone calls.

The letter remained unwritten and the phone call was never made. And the reason was it would have hurt my half brother and sister who know nothing of any of this. My mum and stepfather have since split up for various reasons but this was the straw which broke the camels back and i believe my brother and sister have had enough to deal with without hearing of their fathers appallingly callous dismissal of two small children. So despite my hurt i couldnt see any justification in spreading that hurt any further. Certainly not because it would make me feel better or because it had to be said.

In conclusion although i dont think YAB totally U its not the sort of thing i find any good in doing.

pingping · 12/11/2008 11:16

I meant with his Mother. TheLadyEvenstar I don't think you did a terrible thing or that yabu I just think you will regret it and it may make things a lot worse.

If this woman is already being a bitch to you this will give her just cause to be more of a bitch for your own sake you shouldn't of given her the satisfaction.

I hope it works out for you and remind yourself that your DS has got a wonderful Nana via your Mum and that your DP's Mum is missing out not you or your DS.

pamelat · 12/11/2008 12:24

I think a letter could have been a good idea but that maybe yours was a bit too personal.

I would have said something along the lines of

"I know you dont like me and that you are angry at your son. It is childish for you to hold this against your grandchild, you will regret this one day and I am giving you one last opportunity to play a part in his/her life, as I am not a bad person" - that way you get the upper hand and it puts her in her place?

MadameCastafiore · 12/11/2008 12:29

My father has never seen DS - he sees DD regularly as her father, my XH takes her there to visit - but IMO DS is not missing out on anything - he has other grandparents who love him and I would rather someone so toxic not have any part in either of my childrens lives but there is nothing I can do about XH taking DD there.

That is how you have to think - your child is not missing out not having this woman in his life.