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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to have sent dp's mother this after a yr of ignoring my baby?

111 replies

TheLadyEvenstar · 11/11/2008 23:20

I had ds2 last September 2007 and dps mother has never seen him, lied about being out of the country on his 1st b'day, seeing a photo of ds1, ds2 and dss and saying what a lovely photo of those 2 pointing to ds2 and dss (with dp;s sister). I have sent numerous emails with photos in until a few weeks back and she sends messages with dps sis to say they are nice but will never email me to ask how he is, then asks dp's sis if she could keep her updated on ds2s progress!!!!

Dear B,

I have not bothered sending you any photos of Z since his 1st birthday when you said you were flying to India the day of the party yet were online. I now know you are not at all interested in your grandson and I have accepted the fact that my second son has a grandmother, if I can call you that, mirroring my first sons grandmother... Selfish, Ignorant, and most of all nasty to a small child.

As far as I am concerned you are punishing my son for the actions of your son....very mature of you, I believed you to be an adult not a stroppy teenager.....I can now see where G gets his sometimes petulant attitude from.

G has not paid any money to C for J as I am sure you have already been informed as he is not working, I am supporting us all, until he finds work....after all that is what FAMILIES do.....obviously something you would know nothing about after walking out on 2 children who needed you...yet you have a problem with the fact G followed in your footsteps..he had a very good teacher from what I have learnt from both of your children. A mother does not walk out on her children for any reason, well a decent mother doesn't. Oh and for your information my son will not grow up without a grandmother as my Mum see;S him every day he has a loving Nanna and lets face it you are the one who is missing out you have 3 that is THREE biological grandchildren and chose to know 2 of them.

As for Christmas as I am sure this will be passed on to you. J, K and Z are all having the same amount spent on them £50 and that is all. G has asked J to come fishing and other places with us and unless there is money involved J does not want to know. We are not wealthy people. So while you are blaming G for the lack of contact realise that J has been asked to come out with us and often refuses, we also offered to take him on holiday but he did not want to go as it was not abroad. Just for once realise the truth G is not to blame for everything nor am I and Z certainly isn't.

OP posts:

thesockmonsterofdoom · 12/11/2008 18:17

Ok I have just read most of this thread,
yu met your dp
2years after he and exw split up, also
3 years after they split up
also 5 years after they split up.
make your mind up.

Eddas · 12/11/2008 18:22

i can understand why you needed to do this, but although it will have no effect on you, it will effect your step-children. Maybe not now but in the future, when they marry/have children.

My dad had this situation with my nan(mum's mum) mum died, he met someone else, nan was never in a million years going to be happy or even ok with it, she's of the marry one person school of thought. Anyway, dad took it upon himself(with his partner telling him too IMO) to ring nan and tell her some 'home truths'. Now I do agree with what he said but he could just have naturally stopped seeing her/sending christmas cards/ignored each other at family events etc. Now the situation is such that whenever there's a family ocassion it's a horrible atmosphere We had a naming day for dd which was entirely ruined for me, because my nan was so hurtful after it, because my dad and his partner helped and she felt she should've been helping. So consequently my ds did not have a naming day I used the excuse of money being tight with ds(which is also true) but the real reason is that it just wasn't worth hassle.

Thankfully I married before mum died, but I dread to think what my brother and sisters weddings will be like my nan will probably say she isn't coming because of dad.

The times i've had to listen to her slag off my dad, I was so distressed after every visit that my dh nearly refused to let me go and see her, but I broke down one day and told her that he's my dad and i've lost mum so she had to stop being horrid about him

I know you will feel better now about all this because my dad did once he got it off his chest, he just didn't consider the consequences for me and my brother and sister

Original poster

TheLadyEvenstar · 12/11/2008 18:35

Ok I have just read most of this thread,
yu met your dp
2years after he and exw split up, also
3 years after they split up
also 5 years after they split up.
make your mind up.

I said I met him in 2006 they split up in 2003

I said I had ds2 almost 2 yrs after we met.

And she should be able to accept what had happened between dp and exp 5 yrs ago...please do show me where i said i met him 5 yrs after they split? I am intrigued as I have just re read this.

OP posts:

thesockmonsterofdoom · 13/11/2008 07:57

I stand corrected and apologise.

have you heard anything back after sending the email?

llareggub · 13/11/2008 08:09

I am failing to see the point of the email. What on earth were you hoping to achieve from it? It certainly isn't going help matters, and I think it may well result in no contact at all.

fartmeistergeneral · 13/11/2008 08:15

You know, sometimes we can't change the actions of others no matter how much we want to.

I have 2 lovely sons. My mother has never seen them as we no longer have contact. I was amazed 9 years ago that she didn't want to see them particularly but accepted it (slightly relieved tbh).

My dad who I see every week although he lives an hour's drive away, has little interest in the boys. I remember sitting breastfeeding ds1 and he phoned and not once in the phone call did he ask how the baby was - and it's been much the same since. When he sees them, he has nothing to say to them.

My sister? Same as my dad. No interest.

Thank God for my in laws who are normal doting grandparents!!!

SoupDragon · 13/11/2008 08:21

That email was nasty. You should never have sent it.

LucifersLeftEyebrow · 13/11/2008 08:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

StewieGriffinsMom · 13/11/2008 08:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

PavlovtheCat · 13/11/2008 08:39

I have not read all the posts, just the first few, so do not know where this thread has gone, but I just wanted to say I understand how hard this kind of situation can be.

I have written many of these letters to my sister, and ripped them up, never sending them.

I did however actually receive a letter similar to one you sent, but, to be honest, was a lot more vitriolic, it was relating to my mother's death and she said some things that cannot be undone. Ever.

I think that is the problem, saying what you really think is fine, but it is more about making you feel better and getting it off your chest than resolving things, as the kind of things you have said can never resolve problems, and can never be taken back.

maybe time could have healed some of the problems between your DP and your MIL, but probably not now .

I think YANBU for feeling hurt, for having the feelings that you have written down. But I think YABU for actually sending it, as it will achieve nothing but more hurt.

I am sorry you are having this kind of trouble with your family fwiw, it is not pleasant. Sometimes it is better to just cut ties, for now.

Original poster

TheLadyEvenstar · 13/11/2008 09:11

Lucifer,DP and his exp both decided to end the relationship....it was not a case of itchy feet, they both said along with other factors they had outgrown eachother having been together since they were teens. It was 22 yrs not a few years.

Soup, It was the truth..and they do say the truth hurts.

Thesock,
No nothing has been said, no email no call not that I am surprised. I put the things i did in the email as she has cut off DP for him and EXP splitting up when she did the same thing, not only leaving 2 teens with their dad but a few months later he went as well and dp and his sis were left to fend for themselves before the mother actually found out. And then she took dp in and sil went off on her own. As for dss his mother is forever telling mil that we don't include him in things, go away without him etc and i have had enough of it...DP's mother won't speak to him anyway but with exp adding a load of lies she definatly won't. SO i felt she needed to know the truth.

OP posts:

Dior · 13/11/2008 09:21

Message withdrawn

PeachyAndTheSucklingBas · 13/11/2008 09:38

I do think yabu. I can empathise with the hurt- mil is the same over ds4- but it helps nothing and turns you into the villain of the piece.

TBH the only way we cope is having nothing to do with MIL (purely dh's choice- i patched it up between them in July but she took first opportunity to cause a row, now leaving it to dh who has chosen not to have further contact)

If she makes you feel so angry, I would suggest that as the way forward?

The illness thing- I do know that hurrts, my own Mum was dismissive and forgot to call back when I rang in tears to tel her ds3 had been dx'd with sn only 6 monts after ds1's dx. Some pople are just like that, not gifted in empathy. Accepting that is perhaps part of accepting them as a whole.

Eddas · 13/11/2008 10:11

stewie, she isn't terrible, she is just stuck in her ways. She's always been the same. I can't blame her for being upset, she lost her husband and daughter within 3 years of each other and I have cut her some slack and let comments wash over me safe in the knowledge that I am the better person for doing this. It solves nothing to upset people, she wouldn't change if I sat her down and told her I disagree with alot of what she says. She now doesn't talk about my dad like she used to because I was so upset one day I burst into tears and told her that I had lost my mum already and if she expected me to choose between her and my dad I wouldn't. This was 4 years ago. I feel sorry for her, she's lonely and at 80 has health and mobility issues. Granted she is probably lonely because of her views, but she has never changed them and in a weird way I admire that. And most importantly she is my nan and I love her which is why I would never not see her.

SoupDragon · 14/11/2008 08:10

TheLadyEvenstar, no, it was a nasty, spiteful email dome for your own benefit. Whether it was true or not doesn't change that at all.

Original poster

TheLadyEvenstar · 14/11/2008 08:36

not nasty or spiteful just 100% honest and if she doesn't like it then thats a shame. I do feel better having gotten off my chest exactly how i feel and also bringing to her attention that dp is not to blame for everything, and how on earth can she punish a 1yr old for him splitting with his ex 5yrs ago.

OP posts:

pingping · 14/11/2008 09:23

TheLadyEvenstar YANBU.
After thinking about your email you only said what alot of us would like to say if in the same sitution

Your MIL seems like a lonely sad little woman.

I think it would be best for you your DP and DS just to stay away from her now as posted earlier she is the one clearly losing out not you or DS.

I hope it works out for you

Original poster

TheLadyEvenstar · 14/11/2008 10:02

Pingping, thankyou. I can see why some may think I was being nasty lol But i was only being honest. She refuses to spk to DP for doing the self same thing that she did, thats the bit that geets me!!

OP posts:

pingping · 14/11/2008 11:03

You know what they say TheLadyEvenstar truth hurts.

Some people feel guilty for there faults so they then put it on someone else that what it sounds like she is doing with your DP

jangly · 14/11/2008 13:07

&pingping* - you say TLE's MIL sounds a lonely sad little woman, and in the next breath you are advising them to stay away from her.

Yeah. Nice way to treat a lonely person.

Original poster

TheLadyEvenstar · 14/11/2008 14:33

Jangly, but what else can we do? she is not interested.

OP posts:

SoupDragon · 14/11/2008 15:35

Just because something is 100% honest doesn't mean it's not spiteful and nasty.

Honesty is only the best policy when accompanied by tact and diplomacy.

You asked "AIBU..." and I'm not the only one who is firmly of the opinion that you are very unreasonable to have sent such a nasty email. Clearly you didn't want opinions, only congratulations and agreement that what you did was fine.

SoupDragon · 14/11/2008 15:36

What else can you do? Ignore her! clearly she wants nothing to do with you.

TheNewsMonger · 14/11/2008 15:38

Lucifer, sad, but i can understand that. You can't just keep replacing the grandchildren you know and love with babies.

Original poster

TheLadyEvenstar · 14/11/2008 15:42

You can't just keep replacing the grandchildren you know and love with babies.????????????????

1 baby 4 yrs after the split and 13 yrs after youngest dss.

OP posts:

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