to expect my husband to not demand that I go back to work when we agreed that I would look after the baby!

[RNW]

I am feeling really really angry, so I just need to have a little rant!
We always agreed before we had our daughter that I would stay at home and look after her and not go back to work until she was older or until we moved to a larger place, with a higher mortgage. The baby is 8 months old now, and my maternity pay is nearly at an end.
We live in a small flat and my husband's salary pays the mortgage and the bills. I am a teacher, so I do tutoring once a week to make a little extra, for holidays and treats etc. We manage to save a tiny amount each month, we are not rolling in it, but neither are we living on baked beans, I'm just very careful with the shopping money! But it is a sacrifice we felt was worth it whilst the baby was small.
I mentioned to my husband today that from January I would be able to do supply work at school for a couple of days a month, and either my aunt or his mum would look after the baby. He now says that he thinks I should do 4 days a month to earn even more money, to make up for months lost due to school holidays.
I'm really really cross with him though, as I feel that he has gone back on what we agreed. Just to reiterate, we don't need the money desperately, as we aren't on the bread line. Obviously, if we were then there would be no question of it, I would go back to work gladly. We have a decent standard of living, and don't really want for anything. We just have less luxuries. I understand that we are in a very lucky position.
Am I really that unreasonable to only work 2 days a month-he said that I was spoilt. Is it so wrong to want to enjoy the time with our baby?! I'm loving being with her, and it's time that I'll never get back with her. Also I consider looking after her, the house and tutoring to be a decent amount of work!
His parting shot was "I'm going to work, to pay the bills!" I think he's being a prick quite frankly, and I'm disappointed in him. So tell me, am I being unreasonable?

YANBU

He is being a prick.

You are going to be doing some supply work, and no doubt you will be the one arranging the childcare for those days.

You don't need the money - you are the one taking responsibility for staying within budget with food shopping etc.

He has agreed to all of this.

Needs to be tackled now though - it's a bad scene if he is going to keep casting it up to you "I pay the bills" etc etc. That would get boring v quickly.

Suggesting 4 days for discussion was not unreasonable, but his parting shot definitely was!

I would start charging him for child care while he's at work (obviously only his half of it), oh and cleaning and cooking if you do that too.

does he feel the same way about you about your financial position (ie that you're doing ok)? Just trying to get some more info here on why he would want you to earn more cash.

4 days a month is not unreasonabe me thinks.

You are very fortunate.

4 days a month is hardly 'going back to work', is it?

What does he do? Is he stressed at work?

Calling you spoilt is horrible.

FWIW I am the sole breadwinner in our house just now, and it sometimes makes me feel a bit under pressure. But I wouldn't dream of taking it out on dh.

Gosh 4 days a month sounds like heaven! He may have put it badly put his point sounds fair to me.

To be honest four days a month doesn't sound that much (particularly if you were planning to do two per month anyway). Is he worried about the credit crunch and that it might start affecting you more in the new year? Perhaps the bills have just gone up and he thinks his income may not go as far as it used to. I think you need to talk to him and ask him why he's suggested you do more.

How secure is your DH's job at the moment? He may well be feeling the pressure of paying for everything in a precarious economy.

And it is only 4 days a month, if you can get the supply work, that is. As he says, some months will be less, so on average it is probably 2 ish days anyway.

Hehehe! I love the idea of giving him a great big bill at the end of every week. I do all the cleaning, shopping and washing, and consider it to be part of my job. You are right YKNOTC, it's not the discussion about the four days, it's the parting shot which made me so angry. I feel the that it is counter productive as I don't want to talk to him at all. There will come a time when I'll be going back to work full time anyway.

Yes me too

Imagine how stressful it is to be the only breadwinner.

4 days a month? Doesn't sound like 'going back to work', sounds like doing what you are already doing, only a couple more days.

I also don't get why he is making an issue out of 4 days as opposed to 2 days a month. Surely it will not make that much difference financially.

I think (anyone) calling him names is pointless and damaging. The economy is uncertain, he may well feel very pressured, stressed and uneasy to think the entire financial security of his family is entirely resting on him in such difficult times. I am sure I would feel the same. I don't think working four days a month during term times is such an awful thing to ask in a partnership. You would still have lots of time to enjoy being with your baby - between 24 and 27 days, in fact. I know he agreed to your not working, but things change, including feelings and you do need to keep talking. I'd think four days a month would be a good compromise.

Did you discuss doing supply teaching before you started maternity leave? If so, maybe he thought you would do more than 2 days per month. If you didn't discuss doing it and he thought you would be at home full time, then he is being unreasonable.

How many hours per week do you do tutoring?

I agree with llaregrub. While he isn't being reasonable I would wonder how much pressure he is under - an awful lot of people are worried about their jobs right now. Perhaps you could have a discussion about that. If he says there is nothing to worry about, then you stay at home.

his parting shot was unnecessary, for sure

I'd sit down together and go through your budget, see what he's worrying about

4 days a month wouldn't be too terrible though would it...?
but definitely discuss it more with him, don't let this fester

YANBU, as you are already working. Soing your tutoring etc. THat is more than actual SAHM's do. I can understand those that work saying you are lucky and 4 days isn't much. But 4 days is one day a week and that is more than I would want to work with a baby that young.
But the main point is that you agreed this together and he is going back on your agreement.

Hmmm i'm a little divided....part of me wants to splutter and say that working 4 days a month isnt the end of the world (in fact i had to go back and re-read because i was sure that you must have meant 4 days a week).
But i also think your DH is being a little out of order in how he's handling this.
Maybe he's a little worried (as most are) with the rising cost of living and its possible he's feeling the strain a little more than you think? Because he was happy with the situation 8 months ago doesn't mean that he's still ok with it now. Maybe something has changed to worry him about your current financial situation.
However only sitting down and discussing it will sort it out.

Agree that him suggesting this for discussion doesn't make him unreasonable. It is not unreasonable for your feelings about the situation to change after a bit of time so the fact that he agreed to this before she was born but now doesn't isn't unreasonable.

His perception of you doing OK might not be the same as you. He might struggle more than you forgoing the luxuries. His job might be precarious / under threat and he hasn't told you esp in the current climate. You both need to sit down and discuss this calmly and both get a chance to put accross what you think.

However his comment about the bills was very unreasonable.

FWIW my dh really struggled when I was on mat leave with ds1 and definately felt I was having an easy ride. Once he had spent a bit of time looking after ds1 when ds2 was born he realised that he was wrong. I think it's easy to feel as though the grass is greener and feel as though what you as a sahm is easy if you haven't done it yourself - especially if you are going to lots of baby groups, coffee with mates etc as I did. Not saying that I think this - my 3 days at work are far easier than my days with the boys - just that if you havent done it it can be seen as that

I think he does have a habit of thinking before he speaks, which doesn't help! He is a civil engineer, small firm, but not too worried about the credit crunch at the moment, as he has enough work to last for a good few months yet. We also have the fall back that I could go to work, and he could look after the baby if it all went horribly wrong.
Excluding my maternity pay, we probably have about £400 a month we could save after bills and everything every month. I also earn £100-£150 extra. I think he likes the idea of being able to save more, so we could have nicer holidays etc.
Just to reiterate though, I do know that we are fortunate, and it is only possible at the moment because we live in a small flat. When we move, or if!! I would have to go back to work.

I'd be cross too. You discussed and agreed BEFORE, so that's sensible and fair.

Circumstances change but as yours haven't yet too drastically (apart from the babe) Why should you go back on it?

I would say that oyu'll stick to your guns and have a rethink in 6 months/ closer to when you're going to move. The stuff that comes with kids can make a smaller house seem cramped so limit larger toys? I've done this and asked relatives not to buy anything BIG ever for dc as we have nowhere to put it.

It's a tricky one and I'm in exactly the same position as you. But, I have to up my hours and know I will hate it but just have to. Best of luck.

"we aren't on the bread line. Obviously, if we were then there would be no question of it, I would go back to work gladly."

I wonder if there's a clue in here maybe? Because you are loving this time with your daughter so perhaps it's not quite honest to say you would go back to work 'gladly'. You would do it but you wouldn't be happy about it - obviously not as you're fuming at the idea of going into work four days a month. And maybe that's how it is for him. He'll be the breadwinner, but he may also feel a bit put on sometimes and like you're getting the better deal. It is hard work looking after a baby, but it probably doesn't always feel that way to a DH setting out to work every day. I'm not saying he's right, but it could be how he feels. And from his point of view, four days a month must seem like nothing, especially if your baby will get loving care from family members.

From your reaction, it sounds like it's absolutely out of the question. YANB totally U, but it's definitely worth talking it through and finding out why he wants it to happen, whether he understands your side of things and whether you can compromise.