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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to expect my husband to not demand that I go back to work when we agreed that I would look after the baby!

154 replies

RNW · 11/11/2008 11:27

I am feeling really really angry, so I just need to have a little rant!
We always agreed before we had our daughter that I would stay at home and look after her and not go back to work until she was older or until we moved to a larger place, with a higher mortgage. The baby is 8 months old now, and my maternity pay is nearly at an end.
We live in a small flat and my husband's salary pays the mortgage and the bills. I am a teacher, so I do tutoring once a week to make a little extra, for holidays and treats etc. We manage to save a tiny amount each month, we are not rolling in it, but neither are we living on baked beans, I'm just very careful with the shopping money! But it is a sacrifice we felt was worth it whilst the baby was small.
I mentioned to my husband today that from January I would be able to do supply work at school for a couple of days a month, and either my aunt or his mum would look after the baby. He now says that he thinks I should do 4 days a month to earn even more money, to make up for months lost due to school holidays.
I'm really really cross with him though, as I feel that he has gone back on what we agreed. Just to reiterate, we don't need the money desperately, as we aren't on the bread line. Obviously, if we were then there would be no question of it, I would go back to work gladly. We have a decent standard of living, and don't really want for anything. We just have less luxuries. I understand that we are in a very lucky position.
Am I really that unreasonable to only work 2 days a month-he said that I was spoilt. Is it so wrong to want to enjoy the time with our baby?! I'm loving being with her, and it's time that I'll never get back with her. Also I consider looking after her, the house and tutoring to be a decent amount of work!
His parting shot was "I'm going to work, to pay the bills!" I think he's being a prick quite frankly, and I'm disappointed in him. So tell me, am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

NomDePlume · 11/11/2008 14:13

" mentioned to my husband today that from January I would be able to do supply work at school for a couple of days a month, and either my aunt or his mum would look after the baby. He now says that he thinks I should do 4 days a month to earn even more money, to make up for months lost due to school holidays."

YOU suggested that you would return to work. He is not demanding anything as far as I can see. 4 days a month is not beyond the realms of possibility, given that you'd said that you'd be prepared to do 'a couple' anyway.

Original poster

RNW · 11/11/2008 14:13

Hehe! Bramshott. Funnily enough I was thinking as I read your post, that you said exactly what I would have advised someone else to say, had it not been me at that particular moment.

OP posts:

CatchaStar · 11/11/2008 14:15

Have only read Op, so appologies if I'm reapeating what everyone elso has said.

Being the only person bringing in a wage can put massive pressure on a person, even if you are ok finacially. A lot of men struggle at first with this transition.

Also think about the state of the economy, is it possible he's worrying about that - and therefore wants you to work a bit more to get some extra 'just in case' cash?

Tbh, I don't think 4 days a month is an awful lot to ask. It's one day a week, and if you have someone that can take care of dd, and that you trust, you're sorted for childcare.

I don't think either of you are unreasonable, I think you both might just have a different view on things.

I think it would be unreasonable of him to ask you to go back to full time hours, but 4 days a month doesn't seem a lot to ask. You can use the extra money to put in your savings for your bigger house.

Oh and living off baked beans wouldn't be cheap - have you seen the price of the feckers recently?!!

pamelat · 11/11/2008 14:15

compromise on 3 days ????

Original poster

RNW · 11/11/2008 14:15

NDP we always discussed that I would go back to work for a couple of days. To me though, two meant two, not four. I feel he has moved the goalposts somewhat in upping the number. Thank you for your post

OP posts:

NomDePlume · 11/11/2008 14:17

Of course, you have to come to a compromise that suits both of you but I can see that an arrangement made (presumably) before the bottom fell out of the economy may need to be be reviewed slightly now that things have changed.

Original poster

RNW · 11/11/2008 14:19

I think compromise will have to be the way ahead. Realised that we couldn't leave on baked beans anyway because my husband doesn't like them, spaghetti hoops perhaps?!

OP posts:

CatchaStar · 11/11/2008 14:19

Oh and don't forget the added stress over the cost of Christmas (don' t get me started!) may have something to do with it. Seems to be getting to everyone this year

CatchaStar · 11/11/2008 14:20

Spaghetti hoops - yummy! Much better lol!

pingping · 11/11/2008 15:20

YABU but so was he for the way he put it to you.

4 days a month is hardly back breaking. Your DH must be stressed about money with whats going on. I would rather have that extra little bit just incase because you never know whats going to happen plus extra money means nicer things for your baby as well and yourself

mistlethrush · 11/11/2008 17:24

RNW - there is of course the option of doing something else as well as a couple of days supply teaching a month - something that would be when dh was at home to look after the baby... Just a suggestion that might help on your wish to have as many days with your dc whilst a the same time proving to dh that you are still bringing some additional income in. Would also mean that he would have to take on child-care duties which I also think is really good for dhs!

HappyMummyOfOne · 11/11/2008 19:19

Not read the whole thread but think YABU.

4 days a month is hardly back breaking so I dont think he's being unreasonable at all.

Why should all the pressure be on him, if he wanted to work 2 days a month would you let him?

His parting shot was a little cheap but truthful - perhaps he feels you could help more and that then he can worry a little less or treat himself rather than just covering everything.

pointydog · 11/11/2008 19:33

For many people, it is quite a burden to be the only breadwinner for a family, especially if this is a new situation. 4 days a month sounds pretty lovely too. I think you need to talk sensibly about it, especially as you feel confident you can choose the number of days a month you work.

noonki · 11/11/2008 19:51

I second mistlethrushes suggestion of trying to get him to do the child care for the one day.

This is what my DH started 3 years ago when DS1 was a baby and I went back to work p/t. He is still doing it now with DS1&2 when I go to uni. It's great on loads of levels; but the two big ones are money and his time with them.

I listen on hear and in RL to women moan about their partners inadequeces at childcare/understanding the pressures of staying at home all day/housework etc. My DH is so brilliant with them and with me, he knows how stressful 2 toddlers can be all day, and he appreciates me and what I do a lot because of it.

Neenztwinz · 11/11/2008 20:00

Yes I am sure he'd soon change his mind if he had to look after your LO while you went out to work!

Seriously though, it is lovely to be at home with your baby, and I am sure you don't mind 'just getting by' if it means you can be home with her, but your DH probably feels that he goes to work all week and for what? Just so that you can get by. I'm not saying he is right or wrong, I am just saying that he might feel like he is on a treadmill and is seeing very little for it.

I am going back to work one day a week and feel so lucky. It really isn't much and might even be a nice break for you.

Neenztwinz · 11/11/2008 20:00

Yes I am sure he'd soon change his mind if he had to look after your LO while you went out to work!

I am going back to work one day a week and feel so lucky. It really isn't much and might even be a nice break for you.

findtheriver · 11/11/2008 20:15

Haven't read the whole thread, but 4 days a week is hardly returning to work!!

People do tend to revise their feelings about issues anyway. Sometimes women think they will go back to work, and then after the baby arrives, they have a change of plan. Your husband thought it would be ok with you not working - he now want you to do 4 days a month. I think it's his entitlement to have thought about it and decided this is a good idea.

Talk to him. Maybe he would quite like some time at home himself!

Original poster

RNW · 11/11/2008 20:32

Thank you all for your further comments. Mistlethrush, I like your suggestion, I think I might see if there were occasions when he could do this. I know that he would like to spend more extended time with the baby during the week. It would be great if we could come up with a solution that made both of us happy.
Just to clarify again, I know that up until now I have been very lucky to be able to stay at home, apart from the small number of hours I work every month. It isn't for ever, it is my intention to return to work full time at some point in the near future. We each have an allowance of money which we spend each month privately, as well as a small amount of money that we manage to save. I do accept however, that my husband might perhaps like to save more. It is all about compromise, I understand that.
As other posters have commented also, when you have a small baby, things change inevitably in a relationship, and this is one of those areas of conflict that we have to work around at the moment.

OP posts:

FairLadyRantALot · 11/11/2008 20:37

I am torn....in one way I think 4 days a month is NOT returning to work and not that different from the two....

However, I think it is more a matter of principle for you, and I can understand where you are coming from...i.e. yes he is the only breadwinner, but you are the one taking care of the home aswell as your child, etc....so, you are "paying" your way....if that makes sense....

So, I don't think you are being unreasonable, and I think his parting shot was low.....but I don't think his request ( as it is) is that unreasonable....

oh, I am great help tonight, aren't I....lol!

Tortington · 11/11/2008 20:43

he shouldn't have spoken to you that way. however, he did and somethings not right in his world - you have to sit down and have achat and find out what it is - like grown ups.

if you have to work one day a week - which quite frankly is fuck all - to enable you to afford to have a nice holiday - which your dh may desperatley want - then why the hell not.

maybe he is feeling his nose out of joint a little bit, perhaps youneed to consider him a little more?

Neenztwinz · 11/11/2008 20:43

I remember years ago me and DH had an argument - I said I wouldn't want to go back to work after we had children cos I wanted to look after them myself. He couldn't understand why as 'loads of people work and have kids'.

I said 'I don't want to work so that we can have things'

He said 'I don't want to work so we can have nothing.'

Summed it up well I thought.

Original poster

RNW · 11/11/2008 20:44

FLRA, you speak perfect sense! It is the principle

OP posts:

FairLadyRantALot · 11/11/2008 20:53

Wow...mkaes a change....me talking sense that is

Personally I would hate it if dh tried to dictate when and if I go back to work....
equally, he has been feeling very unhappy in his new JOb (he was in the Armed Forces for 24 years and is now retired but obviously working full time in a new Job)....and I really pushed him to look for somehting else, even if it means that we will have less money....
He has always been happy to be the breadwinner....and I have just stated undertaking a degree course (OT) as Kids are now all in school, and I can't face returning to my previous career (nursing) and it just is now or never....
So, I suppose we both understand how important it is to be happy in our chosen careers....whichever they may be....because I include being a SAHM in that...I know many people don't see it as much of a career...but I know that for me, for most of the past 12 years it has been....

georgimama · 11/11/2008 20:59

Being the sole bread winner must be a horrific responsibility in the current climate, that's why I work FT (although DH does work even longer hours and earn a lot more than me, at least if everything went completely tits up for him we would have my salary and would qualify for tax credits).

I am starting to feel very sorry for the sperm donor/milch cows out there. Perhaps they would like to spend time with their children too, but can't, because the wife has nabbed the carer role and so they have to provide?

FairLadyRantALot · 11/11/2008 21:07

georgimama....how insulting....
it mkaes me truely sick that people think so little of SAHM....
I don't think I had/have a sperm donor/milk cow relationship with my dh....
fwiw....my dh would hate it if he had been the SAHP.....he spends, and always has spend (all in all and where he could) time with the Kids...but he would have never chosen to SAH with them, and because he could not be bothered with the organisational nightmare that is childcare/work...he would not have expected me neither to put up with it....

My dh knew that I would not be a working mum before we got married....we talked about that before we got married....and my dh also knew that because I was moving countries ( I am german) , that I was making certain sacrifices....but tbh, until recently he was pretty happy working anyhow....he loved the army...it was his life...but yes, he also made sacrifices....to me we are pretty even, all in all...

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