to expect my husband to not demand that I go back to work when we agreed that I would look after the baby!

[RNW]

I am feeling really really angry, so I just need to have a little rant!
We always agreed before we had our daughter that I would stay at home and look after her and not go back to work until she was older or until we moved to a larger place, with a higher mortgage. The baby is 8 months old now, and my maternity pay is nearly at an end.
We live in a small flat and my husband's salary pays the mortgage and the bills. I am a teacher, so I do tutoring once a week to make a little extra, for holidays and treats etc. We manage to save a tiny amount each month, we are not rolling in it, but neither are we living on baked beans, I'm just very careful with the shopping money! But it is a sacrifice we felt was worth it whilst the baby was small.
I mentioned to my husband today that from January I would be able to do supply work at school for a couple of days a month, and either my aunt or his mum would look after the baby. He now says that he thinks I should do 4 days a month to earn even more money, to make up for months lost due to school holidays.
I'm really really cross with him though, as I feel that he has gone back on what we agreed. Just to reiterate, we don't need the money desperately, as we aren't on the bread line. Obviously, if we were then there would be no question of it, I would go back to work gladly. We have a decent standard of living, and don't really want for anything. We just have less luxuries. I understand that we are in a very lucky position.
Am I really that unreasonable to only work 2 days a month-he said that I was spoilt. Is it so wrong to want to enjoy the time with our baby?! I'm loving being with her, and it's time that I'll never get back with her. Also I consider looking after her, the house and tutoring to be a decent amount of work!
His parting shot was "I'm going to work, to pay the bills!" I think he's being a prick quite frankly, and I'm disappointed in him. So tell me, am I being unreasonable?

As a civil engineer I would be surprised if he wasnt concerned about job security - construction is one of the worst hit industries in a downturn.

4 days a month?yabu.
wohm and sahm love their dc the same,whether you work or not doesnt mean you love your children any less.

what kind of hours a week does your dh do?

Blimey 4 days a month is nothing, i have worked 5 days a week since my ds was 10 weeks old, i never see him

I think yabu to argue the toss over 2 extra days!

Agree his parting shot was pants though

amen to hat susie/anniemac/cheesesarnie re attitudes of working mothers to their children - that really came across quite badly although I am sure RNW was just trying to give voice to her feelings

and discuss in an adult way may mean listening to soem views that you find challenging (eg he may not be that happy making do and may have changed his mind)

I know that working and stay at home mothers love their babies and children in exactly the same way, I'm definitely not going down that route.
My husband works in a small firm, which is doing well at the moment. He is happy that things are as secure as they can be, although we are both aware that the future isn't certain. He works a pretty normal 9-6 day and doesn't appear to be stressed about work.
He is normally open and honest with me, although at times can brood for a while before saying something, so perhaps I'll check with him again that things are all fine.

4 days a month - termtime time only presumably? So it'd only average out about 3 days a month through the year. YABU - there are plenty of people who'd love to have the chance of that, but financially have no choice but to work full time.

Four days a month?? I'm sure alot of people would like only to do that! Personally i can't believe how cross you are that he's asking that of you. A relationship is a two way thing, and he's obviously feeling under alot of pressure with the way things are in the economy at the mo. Ok so his last comment wasn't the most mature, but then men do have a habit of doing that at times. Also, if you'd just had a row about it, with you refusing to budge on your side, then maybe he has a right to be frustrated too?

YABU, imo.

4 days a month? That's not going back to work! You are being unreasonable, and to be honest you are a bit spoilt.

I'm not saying being spoilt is a bad thing, I know I am, and that staying home with DS is a luxury that I have and that my DH certainly does not. Just be honest with yourself and admit it.

Remember that, you get to stay at home like you wanted to, he doesn't have a choice, he has to be out there working. No matter how much he loves working, he must feel envious sometimes.

Many, many women change their minds about how much they want to work after they've had a baby/at different times in the child's age. I think it is unreasonable to expect to set things in stone at any stage. Especially in the current economic climate. I suspect he is feeling that quite differently to you, as the main breadearner.

He may not have brought it up in the right way, but he is not UR to that you, as a family, revisit your plans.

You're loving being with your daughter - maybe he'd love spending time being with his daughter too - and not feeling under so much pressure finanically knowing if it all goes wrong for him you're better connected and maybe able to react quicker to help out the familiy - there's a lot in this about you and very little about his feelings, and agree with other posters 4 days a month is not really "going back to work"is it?

Agree with chillytilly btw - my dh would love to be able to stay at home with the dcs 3 days a week, as I do.
For me, I think dh makes all the sacrifices for me to work pt rather than ft - taking financial responsibility for us all, and not getting to kick leaves about on a Weds morning

i agree with your dh im sorry to say-if i was him id be bit miffed .even if you dont really need the money-put it away.i agree with your dh im sorry to say.

i didnt mean to say that twice.i am pants

Think some posters are being a bit harsh to OP. She said repeatedly that she knows she's lucky. Obviously that doesn't change her feelings though.

And it is a bit unfair to imagine that she was having a go at working mums for not loving their kids as much - she was talking about herself, and her own feelings.

I agree that 4 days a month isn't 'going back to work' as such but if it feels that way to her then surely her feelings are as valid as anybody's on that.

Just one point though - in fairness to the op she HAS said that she knows she is lucky to be able to only have to work this small amount, if at all, so I do think those of you who are giving it the 'ooh if only I could do 4 days a week you don't know you're born' thing are missing the point a bit.

Still stand by the fact that I think YABU to expect your dh not to have changed how he feels about your work situation since having your dd and needing to talk to him about it though....

MorrisZapp - crossposted and snap!

Thank you Morris Zapp

You are right alicet, I do need to talk to him properly.

Good luck RNW

Sometimes it is good to be able to have a bit of enforced time apart to reflect and calm down (I mean him at work nothing more) and obviously a bit of MN advice never does any harm!

Tbh, I would be a bit annoyed if my DH chose to dictate how many hours/days I worked, however small an amount that was going to be. BUT, do you think you've maybe blown this up out of all proportion? Yes, it sounds like he phrased it badly, but maybe he was just wondering out loud?

I would probably have said something like "yes, maybe, let's see how much work they actually offer me" or something, and then it's up to you to decide when the offer of supply work comes in, and maybe some months you can do 4 days, maybe some months 2 days, whatever works for you.

"I'm going to work to pay the bills" sounds like a petty comment by someone on the defensive. Remember, 8 months is quite a short time to get used to the new roles that having your DD has forced you all into.

Thank you Bramshott. Excellent post. I do have a knack of over-reacting.

But Bramshott does your DH get to chose how many hours he works?

I think if he was suddenly asking you to really go back to work then he would be being unreasonable but 4 days a month is not a lot.

My DD is 10 months and I am going back 3 days a week in Feb, but would do anything to only have to do 4 days a month You wont miss out on much on those days and your DC will enjoy spending time with other family members.

I would ask him whether he is worried financially.

Maybe he doesnt consider 4 days a month to be "going back to work" either, so in that case he wouldnt realise that he is going back on the arrangement?

I am only agreeing to go back on the condition that I get pregnant and am off again soon!

Well no Susie100, but I certainly don't tell him how many hours/days he has to work. If he wanted to reduce his hours, I would hope that he had done the sums and could prove that we could manage with a reduced income (in the same way that RNW has done the sums and is confident that they can manage on her DH's salary with her additional earnings.

FWIW, I think that the main thing that RNW's DH has done is phrased it badly. "Wouldn't it be nice if we had a bit more spare cash for holidays" is very different to "you are going to have to work more days".

RNW - When I say "I would have said", clearly I mean "If I had been thinking calmly and logically I would have said", rather than what I probably would actually have done if challenged by my DH over how many hours I work, which would have been to get arsey and defensive