to expect my husband to not demand that I go back to work when we agreed that I would look after the baby!

[RNW]

I am feeling really really angry, so I just need to have a little rant!
We always agreed before we had our daughter that I would stay at home and look after her and not go back to work until she was older or until we moved to a larger place, with a higher mortgage. The baby is 8 months old now, and my maternity pay is nearly at an end.
We live in a small flat and my husband's salary pays the mortgage and the bills. I am a teacher, so I do tutoring once a week to make a little extra, for holidays and treats etc. We manage to save a tiny amount each month, we are not rolling in it, but neither are we living on baked beans, I'm just very careful with the shopping money! But it is a sacrifice we felt was worth it whilst the baby was small.
I mentioned to my husband today that from January I would be able to do supply work at school for a couple of days a month, and either my aunt or his mum would look after the baby. He now says that he thinks I should do 4 days a month to earn even more money, to make up for months lost due to school holidays.
I'm really really cross with him though, as I feel that he has gone back on what we agreed. Just to reiterate, we don't need the money desperately, as we aren't on the bread line. Obviously, if we were then there would be no question of it, I would go back to work gladly. We have a decent standard of living, and don't really want for anything. We just have less luxuries. I understand that we are in a very lucky position.
Am I really that unreasonable to only work 2 days a month-he said that I was spoilt. Is it so wrong to want to enjoy the time with our baby?! I'm loving being with her, and it's time that I'll never get back with her. Also I consider looking after her, the house and tutoring to be a decent amount of work!
His parting shot was "I'm going to work, to pay the bills!" I think he's being a prick quite frankly, and I'm disappointed in him. So tell me, am I being unreasonable?

OH! Didn't read it properly; thought 4 days a week. Still same applies...

Sorry, I think four days a month is utterly reasonable. One day a week, dammit.

And I also think it's perfectly reasonable, actually, to rethink financial and work arrangements that you'd previously discussed. Otherwise you'll spend the next decade harking back to the Decision of 1493 that Nobody Must Breach.

Pinkdelight, you have summed it up exactly. You must be a mind reader. Thank you for all of your replies, it is always good to get a different perspective on things.

The trouble is however unreasonable he may have been in the way he approached the subject, you are not sounding reasonable at all.

You make a big thing about how you agreed that you would stay at home to look after your DD, and now he is demanding you go back to work. That sounds as though he is saying you can no longer stay at home to look after DD, instead you must be at work. When the reality is, you will still be at home looking after DD, there just might be a couple of extra days a month where you have a (short) day without her.

The way you phrased your OP, it sounded as though he was demanding you go back to work 4 days a week, and put your DD in nursery 7am - 6pm or something.

but it sounds like you're dismissing out of hand his desire to have nicer holidays etc in the same way he dismissed your deseire to stay at home. Whilst I do agree being at home with children is no picnic in the park, he is not exactly sitting on his hands and is entitled to want some say in the type of lifestyle you have.

and I would be amazed if he wasn't worried in some way about the current economic climate -contracts can get cancelled etc

Supply teaching one day a week is the ideal situation if childcare is possible because you can probably take a longish term one particular day at same school for example and being back in the school environment will give you leads for more tutoring and applying to marking exam papers etc.

I don't think your dh is being unreasonable in his suggestion but may have been "huffy" because you made the suggestion in the first place to go back 2 days and he has naturally thought well why not do 4 days, as it make sense anyway as it will bring in double the extra money and when you were shocked maybe he got upset and didn't word it correctly.

Don't get too upset about it, sit down and discuss the realistics of it and find a solution you are both happy with.

poppy34 and motherinferior have got it spot on I'm afraid....

I'm not surprised that the way he has handled this has made you mad though but he is probablyh stressed too. Have a nice meal and a glass of wine tonight together when she is asleep (or whatever will help you both relax) and both chat about this and how you should move on

1 day a week is not going back to work.
yabu to not even consider it.

I think you need to sit down and talk to him about it. He clearly sees things differently to you and 4 days a month is really not alot at all to work.

So I would say YABateensybitU.

Maybe he feels you do need the money, maybe he wants some treats and holidays or something else, savings for your daughter.
Gee I'd do 4 days a month like a shot.

I think in all honesty that I never could believe just how much I would love my daughter and delight in her company. I think we will just have to compromise on 3 days. It's because one day a week somehow seems a lot when i've been used to 24/7 for 8 months! Maybe it's time to cut the umbilical cord.

I think you need to start living in the real world. You may have agreed something over a year ago but the economic climate has changed completely.

He probably does not want to worry you but everyone's jobs are at risk at the moment. Life is only going to get more expensive as your dd growns and you may have more children.

4 days a month is absolutely nothing and he was not being unreasonable in suggesting it. The way he reacted is not ideal but that should give you some insight into how stressed he is feeling about your financial situation.

See now you are making a decision on a compromise without even talking to him. He may feel that 4 days is a compromise. This is why you need to TALK to him about why he wants you to do this and not decide on your own - it is a joint decision and not just yours!

4 days a month, term time only, equates to 3 days a month over the year.

I think YAB a bit U to not see that that is not "going back to work" by any means.

It also sounds like the only person doing the 'demanding' is you in demanding to stay home with no discussion.

And without wanting to turn this into one of those awful SAHM vs WOHM threads those of us who work full time don't do so because we have not fallen in love with our chidren or delight intheir company.....

Sorry sounds harsher than I mean, I am having a bad day

You are talking about working term time so you will get all the half term and christmas and summer holidays off anyway so don't forget that whenyou think you are going to miss out on your daughter, you are lucky (as am I) some people have to leave their dc in childcare and they are no less attached than you

And presumably, you being a teacher, we are only talking about 4 days a month, 10/11 months a year. It doesn't seem that much. also presumably your DH also loves your daughter.

4 days or 2 days is hardly 'going back to work'. Yes OK he agreed to it initially but that means nothing when outside factors change. It's hard not to panic in the current climate. Perhaps he dislikes being the sole earner. If it would make him feel a little happier about your financial situation it's not that big a sacrifice. Is there a possibility his job isn't totally secure atm?

Cross posts Anniemac!

I know that I am lucky to be able to stay at home at the moment. To clarify, we did discuss it before the baby was born and both felt strongly that this was the way to do it. I work 8-10 hours a month at the moment, so do contribute a little. I love my job and am planning on returning to work full time, when the baby gets a little older.
Many of you are right, I do need to discuss it properly, in an adult way with my husband, with neither of us shouting at the other!