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Original poster

Judges Needed for minor PFB issue

120 replies

Earlybird · 06/11/2008 18:26

I have volunteered to host an annual family luncheon in a few weeks time. The invitation went out verbally for all to arrive at 12.30 (or a bit earlier if they wish) for lunch around 1.00.

One family member has asked if we can gather at 11.30 so they can leave by 1.30 to put their 3.9 year old son down for his nap (he is a PFB). I batted this back saying their ds was more than welcome to nap here in a quiet upstairs bedroom so they wouldn't have to rush home. Evidently, that will not work, as their son 'can only sleep in his own bed'.

The family member is now implying that if we don't move our luncheon time, they will not attend.

Part of me thinks it is no big deal to move the time, but part of me is determined not to pander and be dictated to.

Thoughts?

OP posts:
mm22bys · 08/11/2008 15:37

Don't change your plans for them. The boy is nearly 4, FFS.

Do they live far from you? I bet he'll fall asleep either in the car on the way to you or from you in either case problem solved.

Do they have a life?

mm22bys · 08/11/2008 15:44

Will he be going to school soon, or are there needs which mean he won't be?

Your SIL and her DH are going to have to learn, eventually, that the world does not in fact revolve around her PFB....

mm22bys · 08/11/2008 15:45

Oops cousin/DH, not SIL.

squeaver · 08/11/2008 15:52

Haven't read the whole thread but my dd is 3.11 and I know NO ONE of that age who naps at lunch time now. Or who couldn't survive without one.

amidaiwish · 08/11/2008 16:47

i think QS has a point, if she typically hosts in the past she sounds pretty nice....

why not say you'll make it half an hour earlier - that way they can come, and you can run a bit late, and PFB will be fine playing with his cousins, and they will be having a nice time etc...

if they feel they MUST go home, or if PFB does become an overtired terror then they can always take him home and come back later for coffee... i assume they live fairly near?

Wallace · 08/11/2008 16:54

Haen't read the whole thread...

How about ask people to come 12 for 12.30 lunch. Gives them a bit more time to eat before they whiosk pfb away

clam · 08/11/2008 16:56

Well, you are reciprocating. You're hosting the lunch. Not your fault if they're not prepared to come. I mean, come on, who serves up lunch at 11.30 fgs.

hatwoman · 08/11/2008 16:58

they are totally mad, but if it was me I;d be happy for people to "gather" at 11.30. and I'd say that i'd "try" to get lunch ready for half twelve. but I am very practiced at still having wet hair when people turn up, and at telling them to peel vegetables/lay the table/make their own drinks while I dry it and get dressed.

Original poster
Earlybird · 09/11/2008 12:49

I haven't come back to this thread for a day because I have an embarrassing confession to make: I got the age wrong of the PFB. He is 2.9, not 3.9. (he's a very big boy).

Does the advice here change?

OP posts:
llareggub · 09/11/2008 12:55

My DS is 2, and I wouldn't dream of asking you to change the time of your invite if you were kind enough to invite us! So no, stick to your guns.

QuintessentialShadow · 09/11/2008 13:07

Well if you read my post below, I did not think you SHOULD make a point over this in the first place.

Yes, a 2,9 is young, most needs their naps, or they are little maniacs.

SoupDragon · 09/11/2008 13:08

No. Children should fit into your life, not the other way round. Obviously there's some give and take.

I wouldn't change it mainly because of the blackmail surrounding "The family member is now implying that if we don't move our luncheon time, they will not attend.". If anyone said "fit in with us or we won't come" I'd tell them to get stuffed.

QuintessentialShadow · 09/11/2008 13:10

Yup. Inflexibility is the best way forward to achieve family feuds and bad fealing.

SoupDragon · 09/11/2008 13:12

Tell that the the parents of the napping child then

QuintessentialShadow · 09/11/2008 13:15

But I am sure they know their child. He may be really really awful if he is tired. They may want to spare their family for that.

They can do no right! If they do attend and the child is horrid, people might think badly of both them and their child and they may worry that people may go home saying stuff like "what a little horror, they should know better than to bring such a badly behaved horrid henry to the lunch"

etc.

StewieGriffinsMom · 09/11/2008 13:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

SoupDragon · 09/11/2008 13:17

They are expecting X number of people to dance round their child. That's being inflexible.

QuintessentialShadow · 09/11/2008 13:17

But on the other hand, it is a perfect opportunity for the hostess to get one over the other couple and say "tough, I dont agree with their parenting, now I will show them, they either bring their child and upset his rouite OR they dont"

Which of course is fine if that is what they want.

THe op has still not answered what time the annual lunch normally is, and if the hostess usually has been the mother of this pfb.

ermintrude13 · 09/11/2008 13:20

If you change the time you could be setting a dangerous precedent here. In our extended family there are many babies/toddlers all of whom have different routines so it's just not on to make everything fit one family's ideal - if the meal is being hosted at a normal lunchtime then everyone needs to fit in. Surely in families the idea of a sleepy child napping upstairs or on a parental lap during a social gathering is not so abhorrent?

luminarphrases · 09/11/2008 13:21

personally i would change the time to be sitting down for lunch at 12 for an easy life, but i would also make clear (through deeds, not words!) that no-one is to rush through dinner, which is something that has happened in my family when a not-so-dear SIL has made it clear that PFB has to be put down by such-and-such time.

clam · 09/11/2008 13:42

I don't think the age of the child matters, particularly. The point is, they have chosen to operate in this way (rigid routine) because, for whatever reasons, it suits them. Fine. Their son, their call. BUT, they cannot reasonably expect everyone else to dance round it. So they need to be able to take the consequences. If they prefer to stay away, rather than alter the routine, then that's one of the consequences.

hatwoman · 09/11/2008 20:19

well put clam! their choice - they're the ones who have to deal with the consequences.

mytetherisending · 09/11/2008 20:29

TBH I think if all the children are that age and younger you would be better to move it forward to 1130. Not for the PFB but because ime by 1pm most children would be getting tired if they normally have an afternoon sleep and would hardly eat well if they are tired. This would defeat the object. If most of the children have morning naps then fair enough 1pm is fine. Different for a wedding/christening but a small family luncheon should be child friendly IMO

amidaiwish · 09/11/2008 20:52

what are you intending to cook?
if a roast kind of affair then 11.30 would be crazy...

mytetherisending · 09/11/2008 20:58

I didn't mean eat at 1130 btw, just meet then and lunch at 12-1230ish.

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