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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Judges Needed for minor PFB issue

120 replies

Earlybird · 06/11/2008 18:26

I have volunteered to host an annual family luncheon in a few weeks time. The invitation went out verbally for all to arrive at 12.30 (or a bit earlier if they wish) for lunch around 1.00.

One family member has asked if we can gather at 11.30 so they can leave by 1.30 to put their 3.9 year old son down for his nap (he is a PFB). I batted this back saying their ds was more than welcome to nap here in a quiet upstairs bedroom so they wouldn't have to rush home. Evidently, that will not work, as their son 'can only sleep in his own bed'.

The family member is now implying that if we don't move our luncheon time, they will not attend.

Part of me thinks it is no big deal to move the time, but part of me is determined not to pander and be dictated to.

Thoughts?

OP posts:
TheCrackFox · 06/11/2008 19:52

YANBU. They are very lucky that their 3.9yr old is still having naps. My 3.5yr old gave up his naps over a year ago, and even then it was fairly flexible.

They will just have to take pudding home in a doggy bag.

deanychip · 06/11/2008 19:52

its "presious first born" Tee, (it seems that folk on here hold a special place for people with their 1st child)

deanychip · 06/11/2008 19:53

Or precious (doh)

StickLadyLove · 06/11/2008 19:54

Precious First Born! I am proud to know that...this is my first post as I'm new!

It does seem ridiculous to be so strictly adhering to the nap time of a 3.9 year old (exactly same age as my DD but she stopped any napping at 2.5 unfortunately). BUT I too am soft and would prob change the time if I really wanted them to attend...but maybe with a little comment like 'you must find it hard if he's still napping at such a set time...'. They won't listen of course.

Good luck!

Tee2072 · 06/11/2008 19:55

Thanks deany, I found the acronym list!

Gosh, I'm going to have my PFB in June...should I be worried I'll be labelled?

noonki · 06/11/2008 19:56

welcome sticklady!

StickLadyLove · 06/11/2008 19:58

Thank you noonki!
I am actually very excited , having been an outsider for a long while...I think I'll have to learn to type more quickly though as I already cross-posted on my first ever post!!

(sorry - is this 'hijacking'?!)

IAmNotHere · 06/11/2008 19:59

Bear in mind these people are also asking the rest of the family to gather an hour earlier, not just Earlybird's.

IAmNotHere · 06/11/2008 20:00

Not really SLL.
Welcome to mn

StickLadyLove · 06/11/2008 20:06

Thanks IAmNotHere.
I really hope you make the decision you feel right with, Earlybird. Family members and gatherings can be very stressful.

Could someone else more 'senior' within the family have a word with them, reminding them that changing the time will be more inconvenient for eveyone else (good point IAmNotHere)?

But possibly no one else wants the awkwardness of tackling this...?

cory · 06/11/2008 20:07

Tee, you will be only labelled if you display very marked pfb behaviour. Just a bit of ordinary fussing doesn't qualify.

nzshar · 06/11/2008 20:07

Tee I have a PFB and ONLY born June 04. As long as you recognise that your outlook WILL be different from those with 2/3 or more children then you will have no problem. I KNOW I am more precious with ds than even my friends with more in RL. It is what it is

StickLadyLove · 06/11/2008 20:10

In somne matters I can be more precious with my second...simply because he's younger and my last one!! PSB?

cory · 06/11/2008 20:14

Have friends with only one dc who are far more relaxed and flexible than others with three. It is partly a personality question.

cat64 · 06/11/2008 20:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

hifi · 06/11/2008 21:00

why dont they come at 12 and leave when they have to/ shouldnt revolve around one child. i wouldnt even suggest it, shes a cheeky mare.

pamelat · 07/11/2008 14:56

I even keep my 9 month old "up" late for lunch if we are out, today she has gone for her nap at 245pm instead of 1230 - shes fine.

Lotster · 07/11/2008 15:07

I will keep my 2.3 year old having naps as long as he's willing! But for special occasions like this I just think, be a flexible gracious guest and he can sleep in the car on the way home!!

They're being rather precious IMO. Keep the time you've set because it suits you, the host. But let them come early and leave early if they want, that way they do it in front of everyone and will probably realise he's having a good time and they're being silly precious and just stay on anyway.

This child needs to start learning to go the odd day without a nap anyway, school's loomin...

MollyCherry · 08/11/2008 08:38

Definitely PFB, but if you otherwise like them, perhaps you could suggest they come earlier in the morning, and the mum helps you out with the prep as you're having to get ready early for their benefit (obviously you'd want to word it a bit more subtly!)

fizzpops · 08/11/2008 08:59

Have they never been on holiday in all the 3.9 years of this child's life? Or stayed overnight somewhere else? Can they not prepare them for the change by talking about it beforehand - make it sound exciting and different?

I would say to them that it inconveniences more people to change the time than it does to keep it as originally planned. They might notice the subtle inference that they are causing an inconvenience by being inflexible.

Kimi · 08/11/2008 09:12

Four words.... ROD FOR OWN BACK

sunnydelight · 08/11/2008 09:17

We've been in a similar situation with SIL and PFB. We accommodated - big mistake! From that moment on they assumed that every invite was on their terms. We stopped inviting.

HomeintheSun · 08/11/2008 09:50

I would love my DS to still have a nap he's not even 2 yet and gave up on his afternoon nap about 9 months ago. I can't believe the nerve of these people to expect you and everyone else to pander to their needs. If a child is really tired they'll sleep anywhere.

scarletlilybug · 08/11/2008 10:04

I can understand the "not sleeping anywhere ekse" bit.... my children were all a but like that. They would be fine on holiday, but no way would they nap at someone else's house.

OTOH, I would have thought a 3.9 yr old could manage without a nap for one day - or even just sleep a bit later for once.

Don't change the time - YANBU.

(and in GF's defence - no way would she be recommending a 3.9 year old have a nap.)

QuintessentialShadow · 08/11/2008 10:15

Unless these people are generally really crass and rude, I dont think they would have asked you to change the time unless they think they have good reason to. There could be issues with their child they have not told the world about.

What time is this annual family lunch normally

Is the mother of this child the one who usually host the party? If so, do you think that she has hosted it the last few years due to her child and the difficulty in being away at that time? Then, she may have felt she had to let the reins go this year, since you offered, BUT she has come back to you and asked if you could move the time.

I would be a little forthcoming and work with her to be honest. It is not the time to start a battle.

My son is 3 1/2, he sometimes have a sleep, and he sometimes doesnt. Every mum knows their child best, and know how they react in certain situations. I think sometimes, we need to trust parents to know what is best for their own child, even if we, without full knowledge of the situation, disagree.

I would feel very ashamed of it was me, and the year I hosted the annual lunch, I was so inflexible that a well loved family member could not attend with her family. Now, that would be something to talk about.