To ask Reception Class teacher to stop handing out party invitations in school?

[ChristmasDisneyPrincess]

Really really not sure about this one. Would really appreciate some views.

My ds is nearly 5 and is in reception class. Obviously still at the age where there are lots of birthday parties going on throughout the year.

My issue is that many of the parents around here give their party invitations to the teacher and ask her to give them out.

This results in numerous upset children coming out of school whenever some invitations have been handed out and they haven't received one.

I have absolutley no issues with parents not inviting the whole class to their parties. That is entirely personal choice. But I do not understand why they cannot therefore hand out the invitations to their chosen friends themselves.

It must be awful in the classroom at home time when the teacher hands out party invitations and all the children wait eagerly to see if they've got one, only for several of them to end up disappointed.

AIBU to ask the teacher to stop doing this? I really don't want to come across as a whinging parent. But surely she doesn't enjoy doing this anyway? Perhaps she would be glad of the excuse to say 'no' when parents ask her?

at ds's school the policy is that if everyone in the class is invited the teacher will put the invitations in the diaries. If not, parents have to do it themselves. Parents are sensitive enough to know that lurking around the corner and pouncing on intended invitees is the best way as the others then usually don't see, so that's what everyone does. Of all the daft lax things that the school does let go by, thankfully this is one they are strict about precisely because it's upsetting for those not included. Maybe have a word with the teacher?

YABU. It is part of life, Dc need to get used to NOT being invited to every party. Handing out party invites shounld not be a covert operation.

Well, yes. It is a fact of life. But it's also not very nice to rub someone's nose in it that they're not invited. In ths same way that if you and a friend were going out somewhere together, and kept talking and planning for it in front of a third friend who wasn't invited. No law against it, of course, but not very nice either. And as an adult, it would make me re-evaluate a friendship, actually. And I try to ensure that my kids are aware of being sensitive to others' feelings.

Surely it is a matter of good manners though?

Of course, children have to get used to the fact that life will always have it's disappointments.

However, even as an adult I would not hand out party invitations to a select few of my friends whilst other (uninvited) friends were in the same room.

I don't really want my son to think that it would be acceptable to do this.

To be honest, I think the point about teaching kids to understand disappointment is valid. But in this scenario it is far out-weighed by the manner in which this practice could encourage nastiness and ganging-up. And allows the children to think that it is acceptable.

Paws with paddington I am interested in your comment

...dd never gets invited as I work ft so never pick her up at the gates, and so never make friends with the mums....

I found this heartbreaking. I am lucky that my employers let me work flexibly so I can do the school gate most of the time. But I feel for you.

Clam sums it up perfectly - it's really all about good manners !!

I would not want my DD to go to a school where the teachers think it's ok to call out children's names and hand out invitations in such a way during school time ! It makes it sound like the school is endorsing social humiliation as part of the curriculum...

Stewie - the way to prepare children for life's disappointments is to talk to them about things and explain, NOT by endorsing behaviour which is just plain rude, no matter how old you are !!!

But you can't be sure that some children won't gloat and be unkind. But I don't see why we should help increase the chances of it happening by teachers being pressured to broadcast in the classroom that there's a party happening. And it's even more of a hassle for them to secrete invites away in bookbags when no-one's looking. I negelected to do this once, as we were frantically busy during the day, and actually got ticked off by the parent about it, as she wanted replies quickly.

On reflection, that might have clouded my judgement on the matter!

YABU

Ours get put in their bookbags (ds reception and dd year 2)

I only have the phone number/mobile/email of 2 of dd's classmates mothers and 1 of ds's (and ds's is only as it is a sibling of dd's)

No-one has my mobile number and 80% of the time I don't do school pick up.

It won't be long before all kids parties are cancelled in case someone gets upset.

I am surprised at the naivety of thought that just because a child doesn't see the invite getting handed out, they somehow won't know about the party? Surely everyone must realise that children talk about things too? Just a couple of conversations DD (almost 5) has had recently...

• A friend commented on her dressing up dress she wore at a party. She told this friend that she had bought this outfit for X's party (a few days before), but the girl also knew X and hadn't been invited. Innocent point made by my daughter - just typical conversation stuff.

• Another girl this morning thanked my DD for a present she had given another girl for a present she had given her at her party. In front of other children who would not have been invited.

• My DD is very excited about her party at the weekend, and we have been busy getting things and planning for it... and as I dropped off DD this morning, she was telling children all about her party and what we've been buying for it - It is all innocent, in that she is not meaning to hurt anyone's feelings, she is just excited about the party - and so she is talking about it! I think the whole world and the dog knows what theme my daughter is having to her party and what dress she is going to wear to it... etc etc!

At the same time, there have been invites given out that DD has not been invited to, and children have discussed it in front of her and she has never been bothered. But if ever she does ask, we always ask her 'do you play with X much?' Answer is always invariably no, and so then we ask 'why would X invite you to his/her party?' She now thinks the same thing - and only expects to be invited to parties by her close friends, so she's not disappointed when she doesn't get one!

I think all this secrecy and being covert about it, can make more of an issue out of it, as though there is something to hide, or something to be ashamed about by not inviting / being invited to a party. I don't think it should be in your face either, but I think a matter of fact attitude helps keep it in perspective - you go to some parties but not others- that's life, no big deal! Children have got to learn that and I don't think deliberately hiding invites works (my DD always knows when they're in the book bag - the said child usually goes round telling everyone, in my experience!) and I don't think it helps children to learn that you don't get to got to all parties! I also do not think it is a teacher's job to hand them out at all, whether in class or in the book bag.

YABU I thought all schools would be sensitive to this in reception at least - our classroom assistants slip them into the book bags if we ask them really nicely, but they're very discreet.

Even then you have to deal with disappointment when they open the bags at the gates, but at least parents are there to soothe and explain that way.

Giving them out in class is like the old "picking sports teams" popularity contest in PE (which I always lost at, obviously )

I guess my DC are lucky, but I don't think they know about most of the parties that happen -- either it gets talked about too vaguely or not to them, maybe. So I am definitely in the YANBU, bookbag-it instead brigade, don't make it obvious who isn't invited.

If a school does not gieve them out how is a 4 year old expected to do it themselves without being even less discrete or losing them all or forgetting or a myriad of things other 4 year olds do?

Schools here aren't allowed to hand out invitatons - in fact the children aren't even allowed to hand them out!! All invitations must be done through parents!

I want to agree with Stewie in principle, but...

How do you personally hand out invites though if your child goes to the breakfast club before school and the after school club after school?

What if your 4yo wants to invite a child you don't know what they look like, the playground is always heaving, and your child can't pick out their friend or their parents in the crowd?

Still doesn't make it the teacher's job to manage kids' social lives.

Actually at dd's school some children arrive and leave on the school bus.

Agree 7 year old dd would be capable. 4 year old ds would not.

The school bus takes them from all ages as does before/after school care.