to think that my friend does not owe an apology to this couple?

[frazzledgirl]

She and her DH have been invited to a wedding, several hundred miles away. Couple are loaded, have chosen big swish hotel for ceremony and reception.

On invitation, it says that the reception will cost £30 per head, and 'guests' must also stay in the hotel, so cheap B&B out of the question.

Basically my friends are looking at several hundred pounds to attend this occasion (and that's before presents from the swanky wedding list, outfits etc), but are really worried about offending them by refusing.

AIBU to think that (a) this is utterly grasping and horrible and if you want a big splashy wedding you shouldn't force your friends and family to provide it and (b) my friends do not have to apologise, or indeed say anything other than 'we can't come because we can't afford it' ?

Thing is, it might not just be an extra £30. If you are a couple, it's an extra £60, and, if you have children (say 3), it's an extra £150, plus the accommodation and a swanky present. Could easily cost £500 to attend the wedding. Ouch.

Ah, but it's their day

I quite enjoy offending people so I wouldn't go. I would rather spend £500 on something for me TBH.

Bonkers! What happened to a few sausage rolls and a cheesy disco. For free.

It would stop me going too. You have a budget and you cut your cloth accordingly. Someone ought to be honest with them.

I wouldn't go.

don't go!
They'll probably expect you to tip the vicar too.

I do think upwind is right about possible cultural differences - several cultures have a tradition of wedding guests giving money to the couple on the day. So, really, a polite declining of the invite is all that's necessary if you don't want to/can't afford to go. Because sending a ranty critical how-very-dare-you reply might make you look a bit of a twatty Little Englander, after all...

solidgoldbrass - Little Englander!!

However it's more about being honest with the couple or they might be surprised at how many people decline their invitation and wonder why they are so unpopular. Someone ought to alert them in a polite and neutral manner - what's wrong with telling the truth, ie "regret to decline the invitation due to being unable to commit at this stage to the finances outlined in the invitation"? Is that ranty, critical, Little Englander or honest?

No need for a ranty critical response, agreed, because that isn't ladylike but seeing as they weren't scared to raise the money issue, neither should it be an issue to respond with the truth.

Asking guests to pay for their own meal at your wedding unless there is an obvious good reason ie a serious illness/injury in the family which means money has been tight; business gone bust or even that it IS the particular couple's culture etc in which case the OP would unlikely be posting) is pretty low.

i cant believe soupdragons genius post went unnoticed

eh? this can't be for real???????
Surely if the happy couple wanted the guests to pay for the wedding it would have mentioned before now? Does your friend know the family? Can she check and make sure she hasn't made a mistake.

Whilst not in any way wishing to defend said swanky couple as they are not polite people, it might be that the £30 is a contribution to the drinks bill. As others have said, it would barely touch the usual food bill for most "swanky" weddings.

You do not charge people to come to your wedding, whether it is to pay the drinks bill or whatever.

Why isn't the bride's mother telling her this is totally out of order?

Exactly neenztwinz!!! Thumbwitch - why would it make any difference if the £30 is a contribution to the drinks bill instead of the food?

Drinks, food, whatever - guests should not/do not stump up money for attending a wedding other than for (usually, and by choice) a gift, and possibly somewhere to stay the night.

The invite does not say "please feel free to contribute something towards the drinks/food if you so wish". It is conditional to attending which is Not On.

did I not mention that I wasn't defending them? I thought I did.

FFS if they can't afford the reception then they should have gone for a cheaper more intimate type of celebration, sausage rolls in a gazebo in someones back garden or what ever, but to dictate that they must pay £30 and also stay in hotel why????

If they want swanky they should get a bank loan like all the other show off bridezillas.

In some countries it is the done thing for guests to "cover" the cost of the meal by gifting a certain amt of money to the couple. I hate it myself but know that if I do attend a wedding in such a country that I either turn up with the "done" amt of money in a card or politely decline the invitation as it would be very rude to turn up without the "set amt" (of at least £100 where I'm from)

This is one of the reasons why I chose to get married in this country instead of back home as I hate the "you make the cost of the reception back" culture that goes on where I come from (although the guests who travelled from where I'm from all dutifully turned up with at least £100 even though it was not expected at all and I thought they'd given us enough by travelling all the way here to be with us)

So if your friend doesnt like it, well dont go! but dont tell the couple how wrong they think they are as its considered perfectly reasonable to expect every guest to "cover their costs" where I'm from (NOT that I personally think its right, but many do)

Interesting this, my DH's family (originally from Ireland) believe you should gift the couple enough to cover the meal. It was great for us cos when we got married they all gave us £100 .

We were going to a friend's wedding and I thought £30 would be enough to buy a nice gift. My FIL said well you have to give at least £100 cos that is what the meal will cost. I'd never heard anyone say that before.

DH's family are a bit showy though, I think they like to splash money around.

I'm Irish and I never heard that a gift is to cover the cost of a meal! And have never seen anyone ask for a contribution towards the meal on an invite! We do tend to be generous with wedding gifts, though. Maybe that's because we've not had divorce very long, so people could only marry once, so once you had given them that gift you would be fairly sure they wouldn't be needing another one!

"chipmonkey" - have you really never heard Irish brides and families bragging about how much they "made" or saying "you make it all back" in reference to how much they spent on the reception?

I have heard it more times than I care to remember

My best friend lives in Ireland and cannot afford to get married - she, like most other irish people I know, would not DREAM of turning up to a wedding without at least 100euro in a card. I sometimes ask her why she does not see how vulgar it is that these people who are infinately better off than her expect her money but she doesnt see it that way - to her its just manners to bring your euro-filled card.

I have also heard of Irish brides who chose more lavish affairs to request more than the 'done' amount in their invites using the words "to cover your meal"

I, and friends and family of mine, have been invited to weddings of people I've never even met (as in, not friends of my partners but parents colleagues etc) which I can only imagine is to get numbers up. More guests = more money

An ex pat once said to me "my cousin made 20K outta her wedding, I am definately going back to Ireland to get married cause we need the deposit for a house" - and she did

In Ireland, brides often actually make a profit on their weddings and I have heard BTBs bragging about what they are going to spend it on (usually a house deposit or bespoke kitchen or something like that)

but anyway - in reference to the OP
yes I think its vulgar
but no I dont think you should express this to the couple as to many people it is considered impolite if guests dont at least cover the cost of their meal - I think they're wrong but there's a lot of em out there

Sal, The only person I ever heard going on like that was my SIL but she is mercenary anyway so I just put it down to vulgarity on her part! In any case, weddings are so expensive here now, that I don't in all honesty think it would be a good business venture even if that was the idea!. And it's a long time since we got married but we mostly got lamps and crockery as presents. Oh and a lot of Aynesley China vases!