to think that my friend does not owe an apology to this couple?

[frazzledgirl]

She and her DH have been invited to a wedding, several hundred miles away. Couple are loaded, have chosen big swish hotel for ceremony and reception.

On invitation, it says that the reception will cost £30 per head, and 'guests' must also stay in the hotel, so cheap B&B out of the question.

Basically my friends are looking at several hundred pounds to attend this occasion (and that's before presents from the swanky wedding list, outfits etc), but are really worried about offending them by refusing.

AIBU to think that (a) this is utterly grasping and horrible and if you want a big splashy wedding you shouldn't force your friends and family to provide it and (b) my friends do not have to apologise, or indeed say anything other than 'we can't come because we can't afford it' ?

Just a much regrets - unable should do it.

How odd
I have never heard of this

I would decline citing poverty or a clash of engagements

Don't see that it matters why they are doing it. If they can't afford a big wedding then they shouldn't have one - simple as that.

Trappings are not the point of the day, and tbh I think its very rude and shallow to put on a lavish do that the guests are expected to pay for, meaning that some friends will not be able to attend.

WTF!?!?! They are charging people to attend their wedding?

A simple "I'm sorry but we can't attend" should be enough though, no need to elaborate. Just as well, I would be tempted to elaborate on what grasping greedy XXXXXXs they were!

Hang on, do they want the £30 instead of wedding gifts? (still crass, but just a thought)

blimey
they will be making a profit at that rate
i think they may find that many people will politely decline

Perhaps they really want a small wedding but don't want to offend people by not inviting them .

I would be washing my hair that weekend I'm afraid.

this must be a first.

I would just politely decline. I would be surprised if they got many guests!

Did it say that children weren't welcome as well?

They have to pay to go??? Are they selling tickets to the service too?

She should decline, and not send a gift either.

Un-bloody-believable! Cannot believe how crass this couple is. Your friends should just reply saying sorry, we're unable to attend. Not cite reasons as to why they are unable to go. I am sure they will be in the majority & this couple should get the message when they have only a handful of guests sharing their special & happy day!

Tsk...asking people for money to attend your wedding!

YANBU - a simple Unable to Attend card (available in most card shops) without any explanation is all that is required here. I should imagine these swanky types will have fewer guests than they hoped for. How rude.

I wonder if the happy couple will have their own accomodation free IF x number of rooms are taken by guests? So they've decided to say that guests have to stay in the hotel?

Agree with others who say that it should just be 'sorry we can't attend' - I am sure they will be getting lots of other replies saying the same!

What on earth is happening with weddings these days - used to be parents of the couple paid for everything, and weddings would be local. You didn't mind paying for a gift/outfit etc as that was your only expense. But now the GUESTS are expected to have all their own expenses plus travel, accomodation, babysitters if children not invited - and these days get asked for cash gifts towards the honeymoon on top.

If we ever get round to it I will just grab a couple of witnesses outside the registry office and avoid all that 'AIBU not to to to flibberty's wedding cos she wants me to provide my own confetti' type thing.

Asking people to pay to attend the reception is so ridiculous that surely it's been miscommunicated somehow.

We hired the entire hotel we got married in as we wanted exclusive use, so we subsidised the room rate down to the equivalent in local hotels in the hope that all our guests would choose to stay there. Maybe this is what they've done, but haven't subsidised the prices enough.

Quite incredible. I'd love to hear their side of the story. How on earth did they come to that decision?????

I would simply decline the invitation. Do you need to even give a reason?

Surprising behaviour though even in this day and age. I thought we'd hit rock bottim with our latest invite that instead of a wedding list asked us to contribute to the happy couples "dream trip" as they are going travelling after getting married. It them gave bank details, sort code etc.

Asking for money isn't great form but providing bank details takes the cake. Its like its too much trouble to pay in a cheque.

Oh yes, and they are loaded too. Grrr.

Thats outrageous. I've never heard of paying to go to someones wedding before.

Theres no way I'd go, for sure.

Is your friend absolutely sure that that's what the invitation says? Can there be no mistake on the part of your friend?

When are they expected to pay the £30? Is it £30 per head or per couple, does the invite specify? How is it phrased?

I ask because this is so unusual as to be likely wrongly interpreted (one would hope).

The possibilities are that invite means the hotel rate is £30 pp to stay there (like a negotiated rate) perhaps.

Or alternatively, that they are just tight *.

I agree it's quite odd, and I'd just say no. We have had to travel from overseas to quite a few weddings, and have always been specifically asked not to buy a gift as total cost would be too much.

But, lots of people make people buy their own drinks at the bar at receptions don't they? I find that a bit strange too, but it's a bit like asking people to pay for the party.

Personally I think you should foot the entire bill at least for the whole party if not accommodation, and have a little wedding if you've not got much money.

YANBU to think no apology is required to the happy couple - just a polite "unable to attend" no need to plead poverty or similar

YABU to think it is some kind of crime. It is a rather vulgar way of putting the invitation, but so what? I often get invited to things that are not to my taste. Nothing like as grasping and naff as some baby showers or bridal showers...

I'm also inclined to wonder if your friend has got it wrong and the invite is actually saying that the wedding guests can stay in the hotel for £30 (ie hotel rooms are a special rate for wedding guests).
Tell her to check it again and if it really is the case that guests are to buy £30 wedding-reception tickets and stay in an expensive hotel then she has two options.
If she wants to stay friends with these people, a simple 'Sorry, unable to attend' card is all she needs to send them.
If she doesn't care about them, then she can perhaps enjoy telling them just how vulgar and grasping they are - but that will be the end of any possible friendship, and won't actually do anyone any good in the long run.

was about to post EXACTLY what solidgoldbrass said.......

Agree with all other posters here. Traditional weddings work thus: couple or their parents cough up cash to run the show including all catering, to whatever budget they wish. Guests attend and buy gifts and are not forced to stay anywhere in particular.

It makes me extra pleased to have received a wedding invitation from friends who are also extremely wealthy and have booked a fabulous venue. They've arranged a discounted (but still too dear for us) accommodation fee for those who can stay over, we will enjoy a champagne reception and lovely dinner and they've said that gifts aren't expected but anyone who wants to give them something is directed to one of two charity websites to make a donation in celebration of their marriage. Hooray!