to think that my friend does not owe an apology to this couple?

[frazzledgirl]

She and her DH have been invited to a wedding, several hundred miles away. Couple are loaded, have chosen big swish hotel for ceremony and reception.

On invitation, it says that the reception will cost £30 per head, and 'guests' must also stay in the hotel, so cheap B&B out of the question.

Basically my friends are looking at several hundred pounds to attend this occasion (and that's before presents from the swanky wedding list, outfits etc), but are really worried about offending them by refusing.

AIBU to think that (a) this is utterly grasping and horrible and if you want a big splashy wedding you shouldn't force your friends and family to provide it and (b) my friends do not have to apologise, or indeed say anything other than 'we can't come because we can't afford it' ?

Nope, it's £30pp for food and drink etc, THEN over a hundred quid for the room.

And my friends had been told the date of the wedding ages before (just not that the invitation would in fact be an invoice).

So they can't really claim they're washing their hair - or at least, not v convincingly. But perhaps that is no bad thing...

Am at that, really I am (and I believe in wedding lists!!!)

I think a simple "So sorry but we won't be able to join you. Hope you have a wonderful day etc etc" will suffice.

Just because you know the date of a wedding in advance doesn't mean you can necessarily make it. And you don't have to explain why in any detail, just that you can't.

I'd tell them if they want a present then we won't go, but if we go they won't get a present. And then I wouldn't go anyway.

Would she have the nerve to send a letter politely declining, but enclosing a first class stamp to reimburse them for the one they put on her invitation: "as you seem to be distressingly short of money despite your lavish plans" ?

OOOh oooh better idea.

Say they'll go. Then don't pay, and don't turn up on the day!!

That is the strangest thing I have ever heard.

She is NBU.

Oh, well, they are just tight * after all!

"Couple are loaded" - not hard to see why is it, if they get everyone else to pay for things!!

Seeing as how they have been bold enough to do this money thing it would be acceptable (and tempting) to bring it up in return - how could they be offended?!

ie.. "We regret we are unable to attend your wedding as we are unable to commit to the financial conditions in your invitation, Best wishes X and X".

I really honestly would, too!!!

they should simply send a card saying 'so sorry we just can't make it. Have a wonderful day'.
It's so mad, so greedy and so downright rude that I wouldn't worry for a moment about offending the grasping happy couple.

Even if I had the money I probably would turn it down.

I have paid for my own meal at a wedding once but we collectively decided to chip in so they could have a nice bash, it was our present to the couple.

To be told we are paying how vulgar.

"Say they'll go. Then don't pay, and don't turn up on the day!! "

Right, because the couple deserve to be punished for their faux pas, by having empty seats at their reception and having to foot the bill for empty rooms. That suggestion is really low.

When my sister got married we were all told we would have to buy our own bridesmaid dresses and pay £70 each towards the cost of the beautician and hairdresser. I was 7 months pregnant so my dress would have to be specially made to fit in with her "Colour Scheme" and funnily enough I still felt able to apply my own war paint and blow dry my own hair. So I bowed out, which still causes resentment to this day.

No apologies necessary just a short note saying Thanks, but no thanks.

I wouldn't go.
I would send a card and a nice piece of useless tat present.

Utterly crass IMO.

If they were likely to be offended by that, well they would be friends I would happily do without.

Very, very odd indeed. I've never heard of such a thing.

Oh Upwind, I was joking of course they wouldn't do that.

Although I have been married twice and I have paid for all the guests, both times I have had people not turn up on the day. Without explanation. Which, yes, is low.

Was there a wedding list enclosed in the invite to for somewhere swanky? Or do you think its a 'no presents, but £30 donation towards the reception' thing instead?

BalloonSlayer - We had one guest do that, DH's uncle. I still feel annoyed with him about it but as a single man in his 60s it probably never dawned on him that we had already paid for his meal and there would be an empty space at his table...

Am gobsmacked at their vulgarity

Agree, send a polite and very non-committal refusal and perhaps a gift?

Heated.

What is the world coming to?

Yes Upwind, it still rankles with me too.

The reason I have been making the unkind jokes is that I don't think this is a faux pas. A faux pas is calling the Queen Your Highness instead of Your Majesty.

I think rather that this is a piece of breathtaking arrogance. EVERYONE knows that people who come to weddings are "guests" ie they are not expected to pay. But these people think that they and their wedding are so fab that people will pay to attend. They are obviously celebrities in their own imagination; it sounds like in their fantasy the guests are OK magazine clamouring for a glimpse of the glamourous couple etc etc.

My real advice would be to send the tersest possible (tick box) reply and only a card on the day. Whether they stay in touch with them depends on what the rest of their relationship - outside the Bridezillaness - is like.

Wow. That takes Bridezilla-ness to a whole new level.

I'd decline and I'd be having a serious think about whether these people qualify as friends at all. Would stick to a polite 'sorry we can't attend, hope you have lovely day' but would be tempted to add 'by the way, the invitation is a bit confusing, surely you aren't actually charging for attendance?'.