AIBU in not wanting my (future) child to go to boarding school at seven?

[LoveInAColdClimate]

I thought this might be a good place to get some perspective on this - apologies for the intrusion as I'm not yet a mum or even trying to become a mum just yet, but I would really value any thoughts you may have.

In DP and my "marriage and babies" discussions, a major sticking point has come up.

DP went to boarding school at seven and loved it. He freely admits that he was very homesick when he first went and cried all the time, but is convinced that it has made him independent and played a big part in his successes in life. I think he would have been independent and successful wherever he went to school, and that being sent away from home at seven had nothing to do with it. He thinks he was given sporting and academic opportunities he wouldn't have been able to get without boarding. I disagree, and frankly even if this was true I don't think that would make up for being separated from the rest of the family (his sister did not board) from such a young age - and this was (obviously) pre-mobile phones and they weren't even allowed to call home from a pay phone, just write weekly letters which were vetted by their housemaster.

I was a day girl at a mixed day/boarding school and don't feel I missed out on anything by not boarding, although all my cousins boarded from seven. My brother never boarded either (and is, incidentally, following a very similar career path as DP and looks set to do just as well).

The sticking point is that DP wants his sons to board from seven as well (although apparently daughters will be saved from this "privilege"). I don't want this at all - I could possibly compromise with thirteen, although even then I wouldn't be very keen, as thirteen still seems very young and surely teenagers are really just as much in need of parenting as younger children, even if they don't show it as much. Basically, and possibly terribly arrogantly, I think I can do a better job of parenting than a school/housemaster can, and also want to have my children at home with me.

DP thinks I am being unreasonable for refusing to even countenance his wishes. Am I being unreasonable?

Lovein a coldclimate Your DP's attitude is ringing alarm bells with me. I do wonder how you'll feel about his determindness and inflexibility once you're married and have children. Frankly i can see that REALLY pissing you off in the future. Also the chauvinism he's showing. I can well imagine you'll be seething at his "Dark Ages" attitude when he's trying to dictate how your kids should be brought up. I predict fireworks!

good post mayorquimby

Thank you, everyone.

I hadn't really considered the significance of not sending girls away - although boarding does seem to be tradionally more common for boys generally, doesn't it? Is that becuase boys are tradionally supposed to be strong, independent future breadwinners while girls are at home learning to make jam and embroider in anticipation of marriage?! Hmmmm.... although may not probe too deeply with DP in case he decides any duaghters should go too...

Would be much happier with flexi-boarding, especially if combined with waiting until thirteen and then only if all three of us were happy with it.

Thanks, everyone, this is so helpful, I'm so glad I came on here.

I think you need a serious discussion and to work out a compromise. You could find a local school that is day/boarders. Start off day and flexi board if and when the DC wants to. (However he sounds they type who has his own old school in mind!)
I should really work out why he has a different attitude to boys/girls education.

I'm lucky that my DH hated boarding so much (from 7) that he would never follow his family's tradition to make all boys board from this age. He didn't mind so much when he was older although still doesn't rave about it - he is the least independant person I have come accross - he runs/owns a fab international business but cannot use a washing machine or cook. He is also SEVERELY emotionally damaged.

I wasn't keen on boarding when I was older and preferred day.

I'm with Norks, could not remain married to someone who felt so little for my wishes.

On another thread on here re boarding, a poster commented that each prospectus sent out should include a recording of the dorm on the second night, it will be filled with the sound of children crying themselves to sleep not the first night though, everyone puts a brave face on a believes it will be a big adventure.

I have a 7yo boy & there is no way I would send him away to boarding school. He would probably love it to be honest but I think it is too young.

Also, this idea of 'missing out'. If you go to a school where everyone is a day pupil there is nothing to miss out on? Plenty of private schools are day-only.

If you want to read an interesting book on this issues, I would recommend 'The making of them' but 'Nick Duffell' - not sure if you can get it through Amazon, but it might help you solidify your reasoning why you think boarding at 7 is not ideal.

Please excuse typos....have streaming cold !

why the difference between boys and girls?

Presumably because men run the Empire & education is wasted on women because they go & have these inconvenient baby-things, rendering them incapable.

"Hmmmm.... although may not probe too deeply with DP in case he decides any duaghters should go too..."

yes, that's the answer. Bury your head in the sand, then it's not an issue and you can happily have babies with him because you didn't probe deeply nd therefore can honestly say "I didn't know he was a complete over bearing control freak who wanted the children to move out when they were seven, it's not my fault"

I would never, ever contemplate sending children to boarding school at seven.

Many children in my family did so, including my father and his four siblings (some even younger than seven - one of my paternal aunts boarded at five), both my grandfathers etc, my cousins on my mother's side.

I think boarding so young is of another era, when transport and access to good private schools was difficult. Your DH needs to move into the 21st century, where sending children away from home is no longer necessary for them to receive an excellent private education.

verygood point anna

Loveinacoldclimate...

You you seem to have given all your power away.

Whether people send their child to board or not is up to them (although mine would have to be prised from my cold dead hands ), The worrying thingis that your dh seems to make the decisions.

When you have children, you have to work as a team, and you have to be flexible, because you just don't know what life will hand you.

Sorry, but I wouldn't have children with him if he is so inflexible.

'I think boarding so young is of another era, when transport and access to good private schools was difficult. Your DH needs to move into the 21st century, where sending children away from home is no longer necessary for them to receive an excellent private education. ' - Exactly Anna.

A friend's DS went to boarding school last year at 11. Weekly boarding to the school he used to go to when they lived in UK. He spends any weekends that he is not with family (his Mum flies back a lot) with his best friend's family. He really struggled. Their decision was driven by dissatisfaction with the school here and wanting him to get into the secondary school they wanted him to go to. He was very angry with his Mum in particular for a long time. I suspect that he has really coloured their relationship for ever.

I spoke to him last week and he said that last year was very hard but that this year is better. He loves the sports etc. But I really am not sure that it was all worth it.

I really think you need to sit down and have a serious talk with your DH about this issue.

I think 7 is far too young. My DC went to an excellent prep school which once they were in year 4 (8/9 years old) they could do flexible boarding which is a fabulous idea as it gives them a taste of it and they can then make their own decisions as to whether they liked it. Most children however didn't really board until around years 7 or 8 (they leave the prep school at end of year 8) at which point they used it as an opportunity to see whether or not they would be suited to boarding. This then helped in decisions regarding the next school. My eldest two DC did casual/flexible boarding for a while and then full boarding for 6 months when I was abroad before joining me. After 2 years in the Middle East my 12 year old DD (and my DH and myself!) decided the education here was not suitable for her and she started at a boarding school in the UK in September. She found it difficult at first although admitted that the casual boarding she'd done at her old school had helped a lot. She is out here on a visit now and is full of stories of her school and can't wait to go back. She is now a much more confident and independent child than the one that started there at the beginning of September. The major thing that has to be taken into account though, is that each child is an individual and must be treated differently to the next.

YANBU.

My mother was sent to board at 3 yrs of age (for various sad and complicated reasons) and she has never never recovered from it . A 7yr old is still a very young human being. And they need their families around them.

My dd1 is at boarding school for secondary (loooong story it was either board or go to state sunk school and she is very academic & keen to go) she absolutely loves it so far.

There is absolutely no way I'd marry someone who insisted on boarding especially at 7!!!! It has to be a decision made on your circumstances of the time, what your child is like in terms of personality, whether they'd like to board and what alternatives there are locally.

If I could afford any of the inde schools near us then she wouldn't be boarding and if she was miserable then she would have left. I'm sure my younger dc would just not like boarding they're just not that way inclined (not sure they'll ever want to leave home tbh )

My brother boarded at 7 being a girl I was allowed to say at home until I was 11. I still remember leaving him there; He was so small and wearing shorts. They took the boys off to see the badgers and then told their parents to go. He says now it was cruel. is an independent self assured man but he would never send his own children to school at 7. We have a friend who went to the same school from a very protective secure home and he was miserable and bullied a great deal. My brother reckons it knocked his confidence for good. I'd say stick to your guns, 7 is too young.

YANBU.

No no no no no no no.

I was sent away at 11 (dad in overseas military posting). Hated it. And my mum was miserable too.

At least I could tell myself that I 'had' to go in order to have a British schooling. What would your DC tell himself? That mummy and daddy don't want him at home?

I can understand you keeping quiet about his views on girls education because it means that you have a 50% chance of not having to worry about boarding, however I think it ought to be discussed. My mother is quite elderly now, but my grandparents didn't make a distinction between her and her brother when it came to education. I am shocked that anyone in 21st century can hold such outdated views!

YANBU
I think your DP might change his mind when children actually here.
Have no experience of boarding myself but would be very against my DS to board at the age of 7. Probably selfish of me but I do love to have him arround and love to think he likes to be arround me as well.

Boarding is such a thing of the past, isnt it?

I am also dismayed that he is so inflexible.
Strenght is more than just forcing through own convictions, it is having the insight and wisdom to listen and take other peoples opinions on board.

I could never ever in a million years be parted from my children.

You have no child yet, so you dont realize the strong bond a mother can have with her child, the overwhelming love, the need to see, touch, smell, hear and see her child, and to know in the deepest of her heart that her child is ok, happy, well cared for, it is the most important thing. I ahced inside to see my oldest during the few days I was in hospital giving birth to my secnd.

Sending a small child, aged 7 off to be educated and live with strangers, is heartless (and I am sorry if I offend those of you have boarded, or have children who boards, it is just my view) I cant bear the thought of my little boy (6) alone in a bed in a strange place, and only coming home for holidays.