AIBU in not wanting my (future) child to go to boarding school at seven?

[LoveInAColdClimate]

I thought this might be a good place to get some perspective on this - apologies for the intrusion as I'm not yet a mum or even trying to become a mum just yet, but I would really value any thoughts you may have.

In DP and my "marriage and babies" discussions, a major sticking point has come up.

DP went to boarding school at seven and loved it. He freely admits that he was very homesick when he first went and cried all the time, but is convinced that it has made him independent and played a big part in his successes in life. I think he would have been independent and successful wherever he went to school, and that being sent away from home at seven had nothing to do with it. He thinks he was given sporting and academic opportunities he wouldn't have been able to get without boarding. I disagree, and frankly even if this was true I don't think that would make up for being separated from the rest of the family (his sister did not board) from such a young age - and this was (obviously) pre-mobile phones and they weren't even allowed to call home from a pay phone, just write weekly letters which were vetted by their housemaster.

I was a day girl at a mixed day/boarding school and don't feel I missed out on anything by not boarding, although all my cousins boarded from seven. My brother never boarded either (and is, incidentally, following a very similar career path as DP and looks set to do just as well).

The sticking point is that DP wants his sons to board from seven as well (although apparently daughters will be saved from this "privilege"). I don't want this at all - I could possibly compromise with thirteen, although even then I wouldn't be very keen, as thirteen still seems very young and surely teenagers are really just as much in need of parenting as younger children, even if they don't show it as much. Basically, and possibly terribly arrogantly, I think I can do a better job of parenting than a school/housemaster can, and also want to have my children at home with me.

DP thinks I am being unreasonable for refusing to even countenance his wishes. Am I being unreasonable?

[filz]

jeez
what is this?

the jack dee hypothetical argument room?

[filz]

or even hypothetical situation argument room

you will be arguing about future lottery winnings soon

[Liffey]

Don't worry about it. HOnestly. He'll be as attached to the child as you are, and almost certainly won't want this either.

[noonki]

YANBU I would never ever in a million years want to miss out on my children by them not living with me whilst they are still children.

why would I have had them.

My poor dad went to one and it screwed him up for years, His parents hardly knew him.

Children change on a daily basis

If I were you I would seriously question whether you want to have children with someone who differs so greatly in your view point.

[LoveInAColdClimate]

Thanks very much for all your help and advice.

With DP, I am happier than I've ever been - he makes me feel secure, loved and protected, but I am worried that he thinks that his opinion carries more weight than mine - although perhaps not as worried as I should be, judging from the comments here. However, he is kind, thoughtful, generous, loyal, proud of my achievements, and loves me - and I know will love any children we might have. I also know he will want the best for them - unfortunately he seems to think "best for them" will translate as "what worked for him". He has said that he thinks my resistance to the idea is more for my sake than the child's - his mother hated sending him away and apparently cried every night during term time and every time she saw his empty bedroom but she put up with it because she knew it was best for him. But I just feel that children have a whole lifetime from the age of 18 (or at least 13) to live away from home, and that there's just no need to do it at seven.

I do in part blame boarding school for any sexism DP displays - being almost completely surrounded by boys and men for most of the year from the ages of 7 to 18 can hardly help form well-rounded views on women, especially since his father is a much stronger character than his mother and (as far as I can tell) is and was pretty much the sole decision maker in the family, so things were hardly evened out during the holidays. I know for a fact that he trusts his father's opinion totally and wouldn't rely on his mother's (although to be fair he may actually have a point there). He now has very few female friends and works in a very male-dominated team. I actually think that our relationship has massively improved his view on women (which sounds very arrogant written down - sorry), so hopefully things will improve even further with time.

And lalalonglegs, you are quite right, he is "determined" to have a son, although in tongue in cheek fashion since we can hardly control that (and I would love a daughter so I can't really talk, although obviously would be blissfully happy with whatever came my way, as I know he would ;)).

I'm going to try and have a proper discussion about this with him tonight over dinner rather than the usual favoured times for discussing it - usually 2 minutes before his parents come round for lunch or just as one of us is falling asleep... I am glad we've discussed this before we need to, I can't imagine how awful it would be to have had a baby and then find out what was planned for him

[Reallytired]

I think you are wise to discuss the isssue of boarding before you have children. If you are in a loving relationship I am sure you can come to a comprise.

There are more options than in the past. Prehaps flexi boarding a local school would be perfect. It would drive me nuts that he would not send a daughter to a boarding school.

Still I am not in your shoes. We don't have the option of boarding school or even private education. With the soaring costs of boarding schools, you might struggle especially if you have more than one son.

[LoveInAColdClimate]

With the soaring costs of boarding schools, you might struggle especially if you have more than one son.

To be honest, Reallytired, I hope that will be the case, although have a horrible suspicion his parents would pay (I appreciate that sounds quite appallingly ungrateful). I also hate the idea of spending so much money on something I'm actually opposed to!

Still, we're years away from having to decide

[motherinferior]

It's interesting, you know: my partner went to boarding school. Quite enjoyed it. A nice, liberal Quaker boarding school. Yet he says when he went back for a reunion a few weeks ago, none of his former contemporaries wanted to send their kids to boarding school.

(I would also add that seven year olds are really fun. I'd hate not to have mine around.)

[ChloeandAlfie]

I also think 7 is too young to board. I've taught in a boarding school, and most of the kids who boarded had a great time, but did tend to suffer more than the 'day' kids, emotionally. I think you should get it sorted before you even have kids as it could back to bite you on the bum!

it's worrying that he's so unwilling to even entertain other options.... does this come up in other aspects of your relationship?

[cory]

LoveInAColdClimate on Mon 03-Nov-08 17:27:27
Thanks very much for all your help and advice.

"He has said that he thinks my resistance to the idea is more for my sake than the child's - his mother hated sending him away and apparently cried every night during term time and every time she saw his empty bedroom but she put up with it because she knew it was best for him. "

Just another take on this part of the problem. When dh was little his grandparents offered to pay for him and his brother to go to boarding school.

His mother turned down the offer with the motivation that their Dad would miss them too much.

This may sound selfish- but 40 years later dh still feels warm at the thought that he meant that much to his Dad. His Dad is dead now, but that feeling of having been wanted and needed never goes away.

Dh is one of the most emotionally secure people I know. His personality has been shaped by years and years of loving, fun, sharing family life, just the everyday little things and an enormous sense of family togetherness, of having weathered all crisis together. He is very very good at domesticity. And his Dad taught him to cook.

Oh, and it didn't ruin dh's education either; he got a scholarship to a good private school.

(I'd still say he is rather less educated than his wife who went to local comp in the back of beyond)

[cory]

crises, even. Third declension.

[scaryteacher]

Dh went to board at the age of 9 at his request. His prep was just up the road from mils, but he felt he was dipping out on some of the activities that the boarders did. He then went to board at secondary.

He is a well adjusted individual - the only effect that boarding school has had is that he eats too fast.

I am toying with sending ds back to UK to board as I am not overly happy with the school he attends in Brussels; but he doesn't want to board, so we are at a bit of an impasse. He will however board at sixth form.

To all those who have railed against boarding schools, for those of us who are married to someone in the Armed Forces, such schools provide continuity of education, which is very important, especially at secondary level. I would also point out that living apart from your spouse for long periods of time to provide continuity of education in day schools puts a hell of a strain on a marriage. It's not a case of not loving your child, but doing what maybe the best thing for the family as a whole by pursuing the boarding option.

[thewheelsonthebus]

YANBU. I think your DH is the only person I have heard of that is positive about being sent to boarding school at the age of 7. My DH's half brother was sent away to school at 7 and has serious issues about it. Everyone else I have met who was sent away this young has expressed the same emotions - feeling abandoned, still angry with parents about it many years later. It is way too young.
I went to boarding school at the age of 14, as did my brothers. I enjoyed it and was lucky. One of my brothers did and the other didn't - he is the more sensitive. I think you will have a clearer idea when your child has reached that age whether they will be suited to that atmosphere, and whether you can afford it! (a small fortune)

[bythepowerofgreyskull]

scarey teacher
My parents used exactly the same reasoning when sending me to boarding school - DF was in the RAF.
They felt and still feel like they did the right thing - I felt and still feel like they didn't love me enough to keep me at home and help me with the school work.

I think if your child doesn't want to go I really hope you llisten to him.

[RoseOfTheOrient]

article about boarding school in The Times
I would say, no way, at any age...

[stitch]

right now, i would happily send seven year old ds off to boarding school.

[stitch]

to the opost
yabu to not listen to what he says.
once you have had the baby, taken care of him foor a few years, you may both feel differently. its not worth gettinginto an argument over right now.

[AbbeyA]

I think if you move around a lot then you have to listen to the DC. I have a friend from an army family and she puts her problems with relationships down to the fact that she moved schools every 2/3 years and was always the 'new girl'. RAF friends started their DSs off as day boys, locally, going onto flexi boarding and then, by the time they moved abroad, to full boarding. They took to it well after the very slow build up.
I think that 7 is too young whatever the reason.

[cory]

Scaryteacher, that is hardly relevant since there is no suggestion that the OPs dh is in the RAF/diplomatic service etc. His decision is not guided by necessity- and that may actually influence the way his dcs think of his decision in later years.

Obviously, every family has their own special circumstances that they have to fit into. Children on the whole tend to accept that. That is different from a decision made on other grounds.

When I was little I was perfectly happy to eat boring food and wear my cousin's cast-offs because I knew money was tight: I would have been a lot less happy if I had known this was not the case and that my parents didn't have to make me do it.

My (brief) experience of boarding school is that some children were very happy with it, some accepted that it was inevitable due to family circumstances and didn't make a big deal of it.

But then there were some others who knew perfectly well that it was not necessary for their families and who smarted under the feeling that their families could do perfectly well without them.

(Incidentally, the school itself was a very nice place- certainly not somewhere that would scar you for life!- it was just that some of the children would have preferred to feel they were essential to family wellbeing. So an excellent choice for those families who needed it- not perhaps such a good one for families who did not)

[scaryteacher]

It's not a case of not loving him enough - and as I'm a teacher I can help him with his school work, but if you are going to be moved every 18 months to two years and you have to pull your child out of school it is bloody difficult, especially for the child and friendships.

We are due to go back to UK in October 2010 at present, but that could move right or left. DS starts year 10 in September 2010. I need to know now what is going on as I have to start trying to organise school places for him either at the local grammar, or a local private school and I will have to move back early and find a job, leaving dh here. My chances of finding out what will happen even up to six months before the date we are due to go back to the UK, are about nil. Hence the consideration of boarding school from September 09, which is when he would have gone had we remained in the UK and he had stayed at his prep.

From the other side, my mum didn't move with my Dad (who was in the RN) when I was at secondary and he cited that as part of the reason for their divorce; that I mattered more than he did. Totally untrue, she had a job and his weekly commute wasn't too bad - Wiltshire to Hampshire. I still feel guilty about that. However, weekending is not good for a marriage for extended periods of time, and six weeking, which is what we would have to go back to if I move back early to get ds settled in a school in the UK, is a total PITA. I know, I did it for two years before we moved here and I don't want to do it again.

[scaryteacher]

Cory, I was just trying to point out to those who think boarding schools are evil and that you are 'bad' for even considering sending your child away, that for some it is necessity, so I think it is relevant.

Even if we weren't posted abroad, I would have considered boarding school for ds and he will be boarding at 16 if we are still here. Sometimes it is not about what the child wants, but what is in the child's best interests and sometimes, that is boarding school.

[cory]

Absolutely, Scaryteacher.

Like my childhood diet of cod's roe, liver and boiled spuds (perfectly nutritious but not cheering!), you are doing the very best for your ds under the circumstances, and he will remember that and understand it. Noone could see a problem with that.

My parents loved me and did the very best for me. But if they had been millionaires and still made me eat those wretched cod's roe slices just because that was a tradition and they'd had to do it when they were kids, I might have started entertaining doubts...

I make lots of decisions for my ds that are not ideal, but formed by the fact that his sister is disabled and in poor health. Doesn't mean that it would be a good idea for someone without that situation to make the same decisions.

[Buda]

I think boarding schools for children whose families move about a lot is a little different from the OP's circumstances.

And I think that in those cirumstances you are in a way between a rock and a hard place. Either the child 'suffers' or the husband - I say husband in that it is usually that way but I am aware that it is sometimes the wife's job that is the reason for a move. It is very difficult. But at least scaryteacher your DS is old enough to completely understand and accept the reasons. And presumably if he was totally against the idea you would not do it?

[cory]

In fact, the Ops situation (totally different from yours!) sounds a bit as if my ds when he grows up would say to his kids, 'no I'm not taking you walking/for an outing at the weekend/into town- we're staying at home because that's what I had to do when I was little'.

Am not blaming myself for my parenting- but would find him odd if he felt he had to imitate it without the attending circumstances.

[edam]

Fascinating thread.

OP, I think you are quite right to have this discussion now. Would be terrible to leave it until you had a 6yo and got to a complete impasse.

It is true that opinions and beliefs often change when you actually have a real child. I hope your dh falls in love with his children, as parents should, and realises how terrible it would be to get rid of such a small child for no better reason than 'it never did me any harm' or 'the old school tie will help him in his career' or sheer snobbery. Because the latter is what 'better opportunities' actually boils down to.

None of the people I know who boarded sent their own children away - an OE of my acquaintance would be quite happy to burn the place down. He sent his kids to the local school and you know what? They have ALL gone to excellent universities and are all very successful in their careers.