AIBU in not wanting my (future) child to go to boarding school at seven?

[LoveInAColdClimate]

I thought this might be a good place to get some perspective on this - apologies for the intrusion as I'm not yet a mum or even trying to become a mum just yet, but I would really value any thoughts you may have.

In DP and my "marriage and babies" discussions, a major sticking point has come up.

DP went to boarding school at seven and loved it. He freely admits that he was very homesick when he first went and cried all the time, but is convinced that it has made him independent and played a big part in his successes in life. I think he would have been independent and successful wherever he went to school, and that being sent away from home at seven had nothing to do with it. He thinks he was given sporting and academic opportunities he wouldn't have been able to get without boarding. I disagree, and frankly even if this was true I don't think that would make up for being separated from the rest of the family (his sister did not board) from such a young age - and this was (obviously) pre-mobile phones and they weren't even allowed to call home from a pay phone, just write weekly letters which were vetted by their housemaster.

I was a day girl at a mixed day/boarding school and don't feel I missed out on anything by not boarding, although all my cousins boarded from seven. My brother never boarded either (and is, incidentally, following a very similar career path as DP and looks set to do just as well).

The sticking point is that DP wants his sons to board from seven as well (although apparently daughters will be saved from this "privilege"). I don't want this at all - I could possibly compromise with thirteen, although even then I wouldn't be very keen, as thirteen still seems very young and surely teenagers are really just as much in need of parenting as younger children, even if they don't show it as much. Basically, and possibly terribly arrogantly, I think I can do a better job of parenting than a school/housemaster can, and also want to have my children at home with me.

DP thinks I am being unreasonable for refusing to even countenance his wishes. Am I being unreasonable?

[MarshaBrady]

I would be wary of relying on his changing his mind once he has a ds.

It can easily go the other way, he could become even more entrenched in the idea.

Then what will you do.

Btw as a boarder from 12 there is no way on earth I would contemplate sending a 7 year old. I hazard a guess that you will feel even more strongly you won't want to send him either when he is here.

[MarmadukeScarlet]

Mutt, I agree completely.

My DH boarded from 7, his sisters didn't. His mother had to drive past my DH's school every day to drop his 2 sisters at their day school. He felt rejected, unwanted and unloved.

He still feels his father had him sent there as they didn't get on and share the same interests, he will never cease trying to gain his father's approval - and now he cannot as fil dead some years.

Obviously he has never told me any of this, we don't discuss how we feel EVER. It is just not the done thing and far to scary.

[MarmadukeScarlet]

too

[mumof2222222222222222boys]

My Dad (now 67) was sent away at 8 and HATED it. Drove past the school recently, first time in almost 60 years, and came out in a cold sweat. He happily boarded at his next school 11 or maybe 13 onwards.

Imo 7 is far too young. Don't know if we will consider it in the future (DH is military), but certainly not before 13. I boarded for the Sixth form and while there were some positive aspects, overall it wasn't a happy experience.

Agree with some of the other posters re his general attitude. If he is this dogmatic at this stage, not sure how well it bodes for the future.

[Lilymaid]

My mother boarded from 5 and would never consider sending us to a boarding school. I think you might change your mind though when your DCs reach puberty - and be glad to send them at 13!

[LoolaBoys]

I don't agree with boarding that young, and I don't agree that boys should board and girls not. How would a son feel being sent away and his sister gets to stay at home. That is the worst part of this. What if you do have a child of each sex?

[noonar]

my poor mum boarded from 4yo and she still hasnt got over it she's 65.

i, on the other hand, boarded from 13. totally my choice. been reading too much enid blyton. mum didnt want me to go. i loved it, and felt that i wouldnt have fitted in at the local comp.i was probably right. it was right for ME. wouldnt dream of sending the dds, though...dd2 is nearly 7, btw.

[lowrib]

All the people I know who boarded from a young age are seriously screwed up now (in their 30s).

Can't conceive of sending my (future) 7 year old away, it's much too young.

[debzmb62]

its a big no from me to i,d never send my kids away to school why have them if you want to send them away i hate being away from my kids at the best of times i really think in alot of case the child feels unloved again this is my opinion !! i,m sure if its for a beeter "education "there are really good schools somewhare near !
what happens if the child get poorly god forbid seriously and they are along way away sometime a good few hours ! omg just the thought !! NO WAY

[lalalonglegs]

Could you just make sure you had daughtersor is this something else your dp is very "determined" about?

[racmac]

I was a day kid for 1 year at age 13 then after that weekly boarder till i left school. I hated it but i was old enough to understand there wasnt really too much choice. BUT i still resented being there.

I will always remember the younger ones - the 1st year and 2nd year kids who were boarders - some of them would be hysterical for months - they would cry and cry at the thought of being away from mum and dad. It would be the older kids who comforted them not the house teachers. It was heartbreaking and i would never send my children to board. If i could afford it they might go as a day kid - why would they miss out - they all did the same stuff.

[Buda]

Kerry - the OP doesn't have kids yet! She is discussing beforehand.

[AMumInScotland]

I think even more important than the boarding school question (though it is a biggy in itself) is how you feel he has reacted in all this discussion - has it been a genuine sharing of views, with both of you happy to look at how your views interact and how you can move forward on issues as they arise, or have you dealt with things by either you always being the one to compromise, or you just assuming that it'll be fine when the time comes because you will have changed him by then?

It's ok to have different views on things, you wouldn't be human if you were clones of each other , but you do need to have some confidence that you are going into an equal partnership where neither of you is expecting to either force or nag the other into doing things your way.

That's just as much a benefit of having these discussions early as the concusions you reach - though if your views are comlpetely opposite on this kind of issue then you will have to think about how you work through that.

[Buda]

Kerry.

I agree totally. My DS is 7 and still sleeps with me FGS! Not that that is a route I recommend for others but imv he is still so young.

[susie100]

YANBU my DP was like this before we got married and I made it very clear it was a non-starter for me. Would consider boarding school for a very sporty and popular teenager but no way for a child of 7. Goodness me!

He did change his mind, I think you can work on him.

Friends of mine who went at a later age did absolutely love it and their friendships are incredibly tight but it does depend on the personality of the child. Imagine if the child was bullied and had NO ESCAPE from the torment.

[cantpickyourfamily]

I'm sure you will parent your children better than anyone else in the world will as you will love them like no one else ever would.

My children would never ever be put in a bording school as I would feel like a childless mother. And what is the point of being a parent if you want to send them off at such a young age like 7 or 13.

I think they will learn to be independant at the normal age of moving out like 18.

[Quattrocento]

I boarded in the sixth form and tbh I think that was a really good stage to do it. It's a good preparation for leaving home and going to university. Also there is quite a bond created between people who've been stuck in boarding schools - a sense of blitz spirit cameraderie which now, 25 years on, still seems quite real in terms of the number of school friends I count as real friends.

[cupcakesandcuddles]

I was sent to boarding school at 7. My mother got pregnant with me when she was only 15 and had me at 16, my father was 18, he was just starting university and my mother took 1 year out to have me and breastfeed etc before going back to (boarding) school to take her A levels.

I was shuttled between both sets of grandparents and virtually every continent, but did have a nanny who travelled with me, my maternal grandfather was an ambassador who was sent to quite a politically unstable country and my paternal grandmother was quite ill with cancer so at 7 I was sent to boarding school while my parents settled down and 'grew up' enough to care for a child. I saw them most weekends and every exeat but I do feel I missed out on having a 'normal' childhood.
When I was 11 my dad and his new wife gained custody (but only after a bitter custody battle with my grandparents who still didn't believe him capable of raising a child) and he pulled me out of boarding school and sent me to the local grammar/grant maintained school. This in itself was quite a shock to the system!
HOWEVER while I was sent to boarding school under reasonably complicated circumstances I did enjoy my time there, I felt looked after and some of my happiest memories are from that period in my life.
So make it clear to your DP that there is no way you are automatically going to send any sons to board at 7 but don't discount it altogether, at 11 or 13 I think it can be a fabulous experience if the school suits the child!

[InmyheadIminParis]

You are not being unreasonable!
7 is way, way, way too young to send a child away to boarding school - unless there's a very valid reason (parents posted abroad, etc).
My sister was in exactly the same position as you are. In the end, it wasn't a big deal. She took the softly, softly, route and just kept delaying the decision. The children went to the local school, and my sister and her husband enjoyed the extra money they saved by not boarding
Stick to your guns - but remember, it's 7 years away so you don't have to make the decision RIGHT NOW.

[Quattrocento]

It did noyhing for my spelling tho'

[InmyheadIminParis]

School can be amazing some days, and horrific the next - we all know tha kids can be cruel sometimes, and even the toughest of tough nuts can be made miserable by one or two unkind words from classmates.
I can't imagine how it would feel, at the end of a day like that, to go 'home' and spend the evening and night with the same children, rather than returning to Mum, Dad and siblings who will put the day into perspective / kiss it better / laugh it off?

[MrsGhoulofGhostbourne]

Not exactly unreasonable, but a bit previous!I think you are both being unrealistic about how you will feeel when you have children. ( not a criticism - you can't be expected to!)Most of us have views before children that change when they are actually there and have their own personalities. I know many men who boarded from 7 or 8, and whose general intention ( if they ever thought about it) was their sons would do the same, but none of them actually have! Family life and especially fatherhood (not to mention the financial implications) are dramatically different now to a generation ago, and if he is fully involved in their daily lives HE will be the one refusing to be parted from them before 13! People's views can also radcially change by circumstances. Before our DC was born, DH was adamant they would never go to fee paying schools. When he discovered the reality of the state senior schools here, and faced with the options for the children,he changed his mind rapidly!!!!