AIBU in not wanting my (future) child to go to boarding school at seven?

[LoveInAColdClimate]

I thought this might be a good place to get some perspective on this - apologies for the intrusion as I'm not yet a mum or even trying to become a mum just yet, but I would really value any thoughts you may have.

In DP and my "marriage and babies" discussions, a major sticking point has come up.

DP went to boarding school at seven and loved it. He freely admits that he was very homesick when he first went and cried all the time, but is convinced that it has made him independent and played a big part in his successes in life. I think he would have been independent and successful wherever he went to school, and that being sent away from home at seven had nothing to do with it. He thinks he was given sporting and academic opportunities he wouldn't have been able to get without boarding. I disagree, and frankly even if this was true I don't think that would make up for being separated from the rest of the family (his sister did not board) from such a young age - and this was (obviously) pre-mobile phones and they weren't even allowed to call home from a pay phone, just write weekly letters which were vetted by their housemaster.

I was a day girl at a mixed day/boarding school and don't feel I missed out on anything by not boarding, although all my cousins boarded from seven. My brother never boarded either (and is, incidentally, following a very similar career path as DP and looks set to do just as well).

The sticking point is that DP wants his sons to board from seven as well (although apparently daughters will be saved from this "privilege"). I don't want this at all - I could possibly compromise with thirteen, although even then I wouldn't be very keen, as thirteen still seems very young and surely teenagers are really just as much in need of parenting as younger children, even if they don't show it as much. Basically, and possibly terribly arrogantly, I think I can do a better job of parenting than a school/housemaster can, and also want to have my children at home with me.

DP thinks I am being unreasonable for refusing to even countenance his wishes. Am I being unreasonable?

[milou2]

Just a question, do you ever get that 'I feel scared to bring up this subject' feeling with your partner? If you do, then pay good attention to that fear.

My husband was like that from the start, but I knew no better and stayed with him and have 2 children. It will take years to pick up the pieces

[falcon]

The thought of sending away such a young child or a child who doesn't want to go makes me feel physically ill.

A good education is important of course but not as important as being with one's family and the love and feeling of security it provides.

[fortyplus]

'DP thinks I am being unreasonable for refusing to even countenance his wishes'... so he doesn't think that the reverse is true? That his intransigent attitude about children as yet unborn is unreasonable?

My first thought is leave him now! But on a more realistic note...

... as you know, many schools accept both day pupils and boarders. Surely the best compromise is to allow the child to decide whether they wish to board? I can't imagine sending such a young child away, but I know several children who have asked to board as they felt that they were missing out. This usually seems to happen after the age of 11 or 12 - certainly not at 7.

[LoveInAColdClimate]

Hmmmm, last night's discussion went distinctly wrong and DP is now concerned that:

(a) his parents didn't love him and this is why he was sent away to school and his sister wasn't (apparently this interpretation had never crossed his mind before), or at best thinks that I think they didn't love him; and

b) that I am about to leave him. I am concerned that I've opened some up some sort of abandonment issues...

On the plus side, he does seem to have gone off the idea of at least prep school boarding.

It turns out that the boy/girl difference is as simple as the fact that he boarded and I didn't... having talked to him, I don't think he'd really thought it through and certainly don't think it was some attempt to provide his daughters with a second rate education! I also suspect the fact that his old school still doesn't take girls may have been a factor...

How on earth has something that won't be an issue for the best part of a decade become so traumatic?! I do think DP has moderated his views now he's given it more thought than "well, it worked for me so it must be the right thing to do". I suspect that when the time comes he won't be any more keen to send them away than I will, especially after being reminded about the trauma of not being allowed to take the blankie he'd carried around since he was born (surely deeply cruel and unnecessary?).

We don't have difficulty in discussing anything else (although he is more likely than me to want to "not worry about it until it happens", but I think that's just the fact that he's more laid back than me) - generally things are pretty perfect, I hope I haven't unearthed some terrible trauma...

[fortyplus]

So... what he's realised is that boarding at such a young age has left him with deep-rooted insecurities. Enough said.

[LoveInAColdClimate]

I feel absolutely horrendous about it - while I do appreciate that it's probably healthier in the long run that he's now considering how it actually made him feel to be shunted away from home at seven, I'm absolutely horrified that I've upset him so much.

[edam]

Oh, poor man. But he did rather bring it on himself. Not your fault he was so oblivious that he got all bullish about theoretical children boarding at some theoretical point in the future.

[mabanana]

I wonder, is there any particular reason why you aren't married? It sounds as if there is a lot of money sloshing around, you already have some pretty fundamental disagreements, yet you are planning children. I don't know your financial situation, but you could be left with absolutely nothing if this became a breaking point issue later on. Just a thought.
My sensitive, rather immature seven year old sleeps with a cuddly toy, insists I get into to bed for a special bedtime cuddle every night. I read Paddington or Roald Dahl etc to him every night. He plays imagininative games with his little sister for hours. He still believes in Father Christmas and the Tooth Fairy. Boarding school for my ds would be totally barbaric. In his case, I'd think it was tantamount to child abuse. It would damage him forever. You have no idea what kind of child you'll have (they could have special needs) so how on earth can you make this decision before they are even born. Though tbh, I'd say it was never the right thing to send a seven year old child away from home.

[motherinferior]

Cripes yes, I shudder at the idea of my darling seven year old at boarding school. She'd probably be very, very, very brave, and also hideously miserable. And she'd miss her own little sister, with whom she is making a very complicated WombleHouse in our living room.

[edam]

Re. Father Christmas and the Tooth Fairy - heard someone on Today this morning pointing out adults claim FC and TF are imaginary and banks are real and how wrong we've turned out to be...

[Buda]

Oh dear. A can of worms has been opened I think.

Do you think did his parents send him because his Dad went and that was the done thing at the time? I hope so for his sake. And hopefully he will begin to accept that just because he went to boarding school it doesn't mean that his child needs to. The world is a different place now.

I think more talking is in order. But maybe not straight away. Maybe leaving him to ponder things for a few days and then see if he wants to talk again.

[LoveInAColdClimate]

mabanana - we are planning to get married before having children - to be honest the whole boarding school discussion was kicked off by trying to work out how we both felt about big issues (such as this one) before committing (any more than owning a house!). I know that sounds a bit unromantic but we're both aware that no matter how much we love each other now, that can't stop us falling out over issues in the future, and I'd hate for something as key as this to have come as a hideous shock when it was too late. I always find it vaguely amazing when people find out after three years of marriage that their partner doesn't want children, for example - I can't imagine not having discussed that before getting married. Thanks for your concern, though

[LoveInAColdClimate]

Mutt and Buda - that's exactly what I think - that his parents sent him because that was What Was Done (and because all their friends did the same), and that DP had never really thought about doing otherwise. Hopefully with so much more flexibility in the system now (to be fair, he lived in the middle of nowhere as a child and I assume the commute to a decent school would also have been hellish - I know his sister's school was something awful like a two hour drive) we'll be able to come up with a better alternative.

Definitely another chat in a few days, I think - and I think lots of being very nice to his battered ego for a while (not that I'm not always nice!).

[mabanana]

I think you are very wise indeed to talk all this through before getting married. I disagree with people who say you should ignore it as he'll just change. The thing about kids is you can't guarantee a 'mini-me' - they are a totally separate human beings.

[motherinferior]

Ah, you see, I've never got round to those conversations, which is why I'm still on the shelf

On a serious note, I think it's very important to have different elements to your life - school/home/other activities. Not to have to be the same person all the time (my five year old doesn't take her beloved NightNight comfort blanket to school, but wraps herself firmly in it at home when she feels in need of resassurance!).

[mabanana]

I think going to boarding school must be like living at the office. I mean, you may like your colleagues, but you get desperate to go home and just escape the whole thing.

[MirandaG]

My mum was sent to boarding school at nine and at still think she hasn't got over it .

[chipmonkey]

LoveInAColdClimate, you are absolutely right to discuss it now. Far better to get all the big questions out of the way so when you walk down that aisle, you know you've made the right choice.

I went to boarding school at 12. Another poster said they'd read too much Enid Blyton and it was the same in my case, I thought I was going to Malory Towers!

Even at 12, it was all very strange, the cubicles weren't as I expected them to be, the older girls in the dorm were all talking about drinking, smoking and boyfriends and I remember getting a terrible complex about the fact that some of the sixth year girls weren't very tall and had myself convinced that their growth had been stunted by the poor food! ( Those girls were probably only slightly shorter than average and the food was bad but not that bad!) Also it was a very old building, the pipes made strange noises, so I thought it was haunted. The second years teased us and made up a cock-and-bull story about how the nuns would take each of us individually, strip us naked and give us a bath while instructing us on the "facts of life" and I believed them till a kind third year put me right!

Now, on the up side, I made some very good friends there, who became almost like sisters as we spent so much time together, the compulsory study time meant that you did study without the distraction of TV and I had a structure and a routine which in my case was lacking at home.

But there were some girls there who were just not cut out for it, one girl in my year was bullied so badly, had no friends and her mother took her out in third year, which IMO was 2 years too late. Also, things like anorexia could go unnoticed more easily as no matter how high the staff:pupil ratio is, it is not the same as being under your parents' noses.

And if you feel strongly about no boarding school now, you will feel more strongly when that baby is in your arms!

[edam]

I felt very primal after giving birth. Anyone who even breathed a whisper of taking ds away would have had their head ripped off. Even if they were talking about seven years in the future. He was MINE and I had worked bloody hard to get him here!

[blackrock]

You must be open and honest and find a compromise that suits you both, or it will cause unhappiness in the future either for you, your husband or the child/children.

Personally I cannot see the purpose of having a child and then letting someone else bring the child up and educate them?? Life is too short.

[Jux]

I would think very carefully about having children with a man who thought it OK to deprive his girls of the educational "privileges" he is insisting on extending to his sons. (Whether you think they're privileges or not.) Does he think his girls will just grow up and get married and therefore won't need such a 'good' education? It will be wasted on them?

[susie100]

Hmm alarm bells would be ringing for me - he thinks his opinion is more important than yours and is focused on boys over girls.......