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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want my MIL to come and stay during my last week of maternity leave?

31 replies

Gangle · 31/10/2008 22:45

Don't really get on with her anyway though make the effort for DH and of course want her to see DS, 7 months, BUT, is my last week of maternity leave before going back to work full time. I'd cleared my diary so I could just spend every moment with my gorgesous boy but now she's descending and will ruin all that. Have asked DH to get her to rearrange but apparently it's the only week she can come. Grrrr!

OP posts:

Arcadie · 31/10/2008 23:01

YANBU. There are limits - but be gentle with her if she's just trying to help.

KatieDD · 31/10/2008 23:03

Hmmm YABU it's not like she's going to run off with him is it ? Fair enough if she is but you'll still be with your gorgeous boy just have some adult company too, win win I'd say.

Original poster

Gangle · 31/10/2008 23:14

Trust me, she's not coming to help. She's coming for a holiday and to interfere and annoy me as much as possible. She came to stay last Christmas when I was 6 months pregnant and let me run around on her whilst she sat on her fat arse doing nothing.

OP posts:

Arcadie · 31/10/2008 23:15

Sack it. ban her.

asdmumandteacher · 31/10/2008 23:15

mmmmm sounds familiar

BettySwollux · 31/10/2008 23:22

No, dont let her come. I assume from your op that this time with lo is v important to you, and if she comes it will spoil that. You can make all the effort you want to get on with someone you dont like, but if you resent her presence before she's even there, well its not going to enjoyable for anyone is it?

KatieDD · 31/10/2008 23:23

Well that sounds like hell, fein illness.

Neenztwinz · 31/10/2008 23:31

YANBU, my MIL is lovely but I wouldn't want her staying here EVER never mind last week of mat leave. She lives 1.5 miles away thankfully.

Get your DH to explain to her that you want your last week of mat leave to be a special time with your son. You should tell her yourself really but don;t think I'd have the balls.

Original poster

Gangle · 31/10/2008 23:37

Have tried to get him to rearrange and he's refusing. Just furious really as she's had months to come and see him but chooses the one week which is really crucial to me. She came to stay when he was a few months old and just her very presence made me upset and nervous and I so don't want that for my last few days with him. Really really upset about having to leave him anyway and this just isn't helping. DH just doens't get it - keeps saying she has to be able to see her grandson which, of course, she does but just not next week.

OP posts:

Bubbaluv · 31/10/2008 23:41

How far away does she live?

Original poster

Gangle · 31/10/2008 23:45

She lives in Brussels so 2 hours.

OP posts:

Bubbaluv · 31/10/2008 23:50

Dh does that trip in a day at least once a week, so no excuse. She could come for a weekend any time. Back in Aus my parents lived 1.5 hours away and we used to go just for lunch!

elkiedee · 31/10/2008 23:52

Very reasonable - what are your dh and MIL thinking of agreeing it without including you in the discussion? They should both realise that choosing when is something you should be involved in.

Is your dh going to be around because she is, or is he going to be at work as normal?

elkiedee · 31/10/2008 23:53

That's less time than it takes us to get to my lovely mum's - or dp to get to his mum's - although mine lives twice as far away.

Original poster

Gangle · 01/11/2008 00:09

He's going back to work of course. Funny that he always arranges for her to come when he's not going to be around! Yes, you would think that I would be consulted as to when is a suitable time but, sadly, no . . .

OP posts:

MrsThierryHenry · 01/11/2008 00:24

Elkie, you are absolutely right. Your DH is out of line by not agreeing it with you before going to her.

Rather than risk damaging the relationship further by banning her, you could perhaps negotiate that she only spends half the week with you (the latter half, so she can't extend it at the last minute) and tell her well in advance that there's lots to be done in the house and that as you're heavily preg you'll be expecting her to knuckle down.

Warn her that your hormones are all over the place and so she shouldn't expect you to be all sweetness and light. Then you'll have the perfect excuse for not waiting on her hand and foot and being a little domestic angel hostess (as if being 9 months' preg is not excuse enough!).

You poor thing. I couldn't bear it if my MIL came to stay. Then again, nor could my DH .

MrsThierryHenry · 01/11/2008 00:26

Oh, and you should really have firm words with your DH about it - ask him how he would feel if it were the other way around? Agree with him that in future you must make all family decisions together and only after then can you discuss the decisions with other family members. His first loyalty should be to you.

beaniescreamyb · 01/11/2008 00:30

You need to call her yourself and explain that she can't come.

UmSami · 01/11/2008 00:57

YANBU...it's perfectly normal to want your DS to yourself just before you start work...
BUT she's NBU either...I doubt she's even thought about it, she prob just wants to see her GS and thats a good thing...heck she might even think she's helping!
your DH on the other hand...well he needs a good talking to...
In my very humble opinion...he arranged it, he needs to fix it!
If she does end up coming...please just try and go with it...don't blame her...she can't know unless she's been told, and whilst the week may not be as you'd imagined, you can still have fun...try and see her good points and appreciate how much she loves DS...the more love the better!

MrsGhost · 01/11/2008 01:23

Gangle are you going to answer my question?

Qally · 01/11/2008 13:37

Tell DH he can ask his mother to stay when HE is off work, not when you are - and I'd arrange to go and visit somewhere else that week if at all poss. (your own Mum's, if you get on?) How dare he arrange for you to entertain his mother, without any reference to you, w!hen he isn't even about, on your last week of ML when you need to be preparing yourself for the return to work?!

My DH used to do that - invite his mother to stay, then work overtime and weekends to avoid her. I spelled out that if he wanted to end up shacked up with her instead of me, he was going about it the right way. He doesn't do it any more!

QuintessentialShadows · 01/11/2008 13:39

Can you go away for a little break of your won with you son then?

alicet · 01/11/2008 14:01

I would say to your dh that if h wants to come then he needs to take the time off to spend with her as you and ds have plans already. That if he expects you to entertain her then you need to be involved in the discussion of when she comes to stay.

I do think however that i would be unreasonable for you to go away elsewhere with your son. But your dh is being very unreasonable to arrange this without involving you - I would be livid if my dh did this

Salleroo · 01/11/2008 14:18

YANBU. I'd burst a blood vessel if my ILs came to stay my last week off before going back to work. As well as wanting to spend as much time as poss with your ds I'm sure you must have loads of other things you need to get done. And first and foremost you want to have a nice stressfree week no run around after a MIL you dont like and who doesnt like you.

I'm with Qually, cheeky git.

zipzap · 02/11/2008 00:08

How flexible are things at work? Could you arrange to 'go in early' and try things out for a week (or even a few days in the week) when your MIL is planning on being there. And then you have the next week at home instead with your DS... Or arrange to go and stay with your mother or get her to stay at the same time. Or a friend. Or anybody else. If MIL cancels then other person can cancel too - albeit at the very last minute - if they are in on the plan.

Or tell DH that, if she comes, you have already got lots of stuff planned for that week (quick, get it in your diary and on the calendar ) and that you will ring up his HR department and organise a week's leave for him to entertain his mother as you are not planning to.

Could you print out this thread and show him, so he can see how unreasonable both he and his mother are being.

good luck - what a miserable way to have to end your maternity leave.

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