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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think my friend has unrealistic expectations of people?

30 replies

SmugColditz · 28/10/2008 21:56

She has 3 small children, all under 6, and another on the way. She has someone picking the 4 and 5 year olds up from school every day, her partner gets up with the toddler every morning, and yesterday she was complaining that nobody ever seems to want to help her.

And I feel like shouting ... "Well, what did you expect? Are you agog with excitement at lumbering yourself with someone else's kids?"

I know she is pregnant, but to be honest she's had 3 kids in 5 years and is having another - she's always bloody pregnant. I will go and see her, I will let her moan to me about how fed up she is, but I'm not offering to help her any more than I would anyone else. I feel bad because I know how tiring being pregnant is ... but she was so tired last time, and I helped her a lot, and I can't help thinking she could do a little more to help herself.

OP posts:

Original poster

SmugColditz · 28/10/2008 22:08

clearly I am and nobody wants to tell me.

OP posts:

Dioriffic · 28/10/2008 22:09

Message withdrawn

BouncingTurtleSkulls · 28/10/2008 22:09

No I'm with you, she's made her bed!

Tryharder · 28/10/2008 22:10

I think you being a bit unreasonable IMHO.

When you say, she's moaning about people not helping, does she mean YOU and other friends or does she mean her husband and their respective families?

I wouldnt necessarily expect friends to help out but would expect family to. I've said it before on threads so sorry to repeat myself but I lived in West Africa for a while and nobody there would EVER expect a women with a new baby to manage without any help. But here, if you're not out and about at the M&B groups with full slap on within about a nanosecond of giving birth, then you're judged.

Can you not offer to push the hoover around/do some ironing or pick up some shopping if you dont want to actually look after the children?

hullygully · 28/10/2008 22:11

Give her a condom.

thisisyesterday · 28/10/2008 22:12

i am with you colditz.
if you choose to have 4 kids in 6 years you must know it's going to be knackering and you choose the life you want to live don't you?

that doesn't mean that people shouldn't help, but it does mean you shoul;dn't EXPECT it

N8sofie · 28/10/2008 22:13

No YANBU, has she always had alot of help with the children? Maybe she's got used to a great level of help and expects even more now that the fourth is on its way. She's very lucky, I see mums at my DCs school who have family rally round when it comes to the children (school pick ups, dinners).

She's certainly not being undermined by her family/partner - and she has made it clear that being a mother is as important a job as any, and as a VIP she can delegate!

Grumpalina · 28/10/2008 22:14

YANBU. She choose her situation. Everyone has their own lives to sort out. Yes it's nice if someone offers to help but she shouldn't expect it and you shouldn't feel U for not offering.

PortofinoPumpkin · 28/10/2008 22:22

I've only had the one, and not one of my family and or friends have ever helped out beyond an evening's babysitting. I guess that why I only had the one maybe? . Family were too far away, especially now, and friends I didn't want to trouble (byond the babysitting bit anyway). They were all busy working. I laughed when my HV said on my 3rd day home that she'd better get out of my way as i would shortly be inundated wih people coming to make me tea and fuss over the baby!!! Oooh I sound a bit bitter maybe and don't mean to. So no yanbu. Sounds like your friend is really lucky and takes advantage a bit....

Horntail · 28/10/2008 22:25

YANBU, if it is very hard for her she might consider spacing her family. Or just moan about other people not helping ????!

Original poster

SmugColditz · 28/10/2008 22:27

Well, tryharder, I could offer to do her ironing and hoover her carpets, but I am a single mum of 2 and doing this would mean not doing mine.

She moans that her mum won't look after the children. She moans that her Grandma won't look after the toddler. She complains that her friends never offer to care for the children - but all her friends have their own children, and most don't have cars. And I must say, most of her friends (myself included) helped her a lot through her last pregnancy. And when she wails that nobody ever helps her it feels like both a kick in the teeth, that all the previous help hasn't been acknowledged, and the fact that she needed so much help last time should maybe have been a hint that she had reached the limit of her coping ability!

OP posts:

PortofinoPumpkin · 28/10/2008 22:31

I'm with you SC. My sister does this - has 3 DCs and moans that no-one ever helps out. All our family are several hundred miles away so not really practical. She seems to think that they should drop everything and come to help out....

LadyLaGore · 28/10/2008 22:35

man, i had 3 in 3 years. im surprised she has the energy to moan, let alone have another. madness i tell ya. MADNESS.

zippitippitoes · 28/10/2008 22:35

i have never understood this no one ever helps me and i have no family moaning

i am surprised people expect other people to do stuff for them

people have their own lives and if you choose to have children then they are yours tgo look after and manage not anyone else's responsiblity

so yanbu

CarGirl · 28/10/2008 22:36

I have 4 dc and had 3 in 3 years 6 weeks - I wish I had anything near the sort of help she's had. My dh is really hands on, one friend as always helped a bit but that's about it tbh!

It's what I chose though!

hatrickortreat · 28/10/2008 22:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

UnquietDad · 28/10/2008 22:41

Help her with what?

UniversallyChallenged · 28/10/2008 22:47

So most of the day she has only a toddler around and she is pg? Big deal, sounds like a bit of a lazy daisy to me!

YANBU

N8sofie · 28/10/2008 22:52

Lol at Hatrick 'she needs to shush' love it!

Don't these VIP's always seem to be divas as well though!! I know quite a few at my dcs school

Joolyjoolyjoo · 28/10/2008 23:11

YANBU. She is entitled to a moan now and then (having 3 under 5 I know I've had the odd moan!!), but to imply that other people should be helping her more is out of order.

LuLuMacGloo · 28/10/2008 23:23

YANBU. Her choice - she needs to live with it.

melpomene · 28/10/2008 23:29

I'm getting deja vu. Has there been a thread about this before?

Original poster

SmugColditz · 28/10/2008 23:46

I've never started a thread about her, no. I don't think other friends are on MN but they might be!

OP posts:

spookycharlotte121 · 28/10/2008 23:53

could you perhaps point out the help she has had? She sounds a bit melodramatic to me. Its hord being a mum but she has chosen to be one. she just needs to get on with it.

purpleduck · 29/10/2008 00:19

I want to go live in West Africa

Sounds lovely

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