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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want my parents to sell their big house so they can give me some money to build an extension

106 replies

darkpunk · 28/10/2008 18:59

their house is too big...my house is too small...my mum is always complaining about the up-keep. they live in an inner-london (trendy middle-class) dump, crime is so bad they are scared to go out after mid-day.

if they sold, they could move near me, much nicer area, and i could see them everyday...plus i could build the extension that i need now.

i think it's a perfect solution....well, 99% of me does.

OP posts:

Original poster

darkpunk · 29/10/2008 07:47

(sorry i disappeared last night, RL called)

SalLikescoffee...ikwym.. they have been great parents, both worked hard all their lives...but i am looking to the future here as well, atm they are fine, both fit & healthy..but eventually they will need more help.

ninedragons...yes, i like the minimalist approach..good idea!

OP posts:

noonki · 29/10/2008 07:57

darkpunk - have you any idea how much old age costs.

If they don't get ill don't you want them to go and enjoy their earned retirement. Travel the world, spoil themselves.

and if they do get ill then the money could help them remain independent for as long as possible.

My grandparents have are 90 and still live at home. They are fiercely independent. After a lot of haggling they agreed to get a homehelp and meals on wheels, and with even more of a fight they upgraded to a more expensive meals and wheels. The reason they were dillydallying is because they wanted something to leave to us all.

We eventually all had to tell them that we could sort ourselves out and to make us happy they should 'treat' themselves.

Original poster

darkpunk · 29/10/2008 08:12

hi nooki.. no, i have no idea how much old age costs tbh... but i know it will be down to me to look after my parents... atm i visit just once a week, to make sure everything's ok.. we have tried to get them to do lots more (i have 2 sisters but they live miles away) but honestly, travel doesn't appeal to them..they didn't travel much when they we're young.

i'd much rather they enjoyed the money..

OP posts:

wtfhashappened · 29/10/2008 08:17

just scanned this - if you were my child I would give you a stiff ignoring and change the subject if you asked me to do it, TBH.

Original poster

darkpunk · 29/10/2008 08:22

noonki..sorry spelt your name wrong

yep..wtfhashappened...i admit, i probably am being (a little bit) unreasonable...

OP posts:

MadamePlatypus · 29/10/2008 08:32

So this extension is for them to live in when they become too elderly to look after themselves and have sold their assets and don't have the money to pay for care?

GooseyLoosey · 29/10/2008 08:33

Think I might buck the trend here a little. I have this idea that families support each other - be it financially or emotionally. If I was short of money for some reason or needed any other support, I would look to my family first and I would equally expect them to look to me. I would not want luxury holidays while either of my children was struggling to maintain a decent standard of living. So while I would not suggest that parents sell house and fund your extension, I would suggest that they moved nearer me and tell them about the planned extension!

LazyLinePainterJane · 29/10/2008 08:34

Build your own extension, you money grabbing trout.

Original poster

darkpunk · 29/10/2008 08:41

deffo gooseyloosey...there is no way i could swan off around the world in my 70's if my kids we're struggling financially....yes, i want my parents to enjoy their old age..but i would be a bit if they spent every single penny on holidays and £20,000 kitchens just for the hell of it.

i know i would rather give the money to my children....but not if they'd been lazy sod's all their lives just sitting around waiting for me to die...that's different.

OP posts:

MadamePlatypus · 29/10/2008 08:47

I am sure that in the olden days there used to be advertisements for pensions which showed retirement as one long round of golf with the odd cruise thrown in. Do they even advertise pensions anymore?

The reality is that many people need a decade or more of 24 hour care which will not be provided by the state. If daftpunk is planning on building some kind of granny flat, good luck to her. Not exactly the impression I got from the original post...

littlestrawberry · 29/10/2008 08:50

You say now that you would give your money to your kids whilst you are still alive but that view could change once ou get older yourself. Your parents money and their house is their security. I agree that maybe you should suggest they move closer to you but you can't ask them for money I think that is very unreasonable TBH. They should move closer if they want to for a better quality of life, their money should be their nest egg which they may or may not want/need when they get older.

noonki · 29/10/2008 08:57

Daftpunk - go to a 'cheap' nursing home, think do I want my parents here or do I want to care for them 24 hours a day.

(ask anyone who's done it how hard that is)

and then think about how you might benefit from them being able to support themselves.

(as you are obviously a little selfish)

cory · 29/10/2008 10:41

darkpunk on Wed 29-Oct-08 08:41:32
"deffo gooseyloosey...there is no way i could swan off around the world in my 70's if my kids we're struggling financially....yes, i want my parents to enjoy their old age..but i would be a bit if they spent every single penny on holidays and £20,000 kitchens just for the hell of it."

Maybe there is a difference though between struggling financially and just wanting an extension?

I know my parents would do anything (including starve themselves!) in order to prevent me and my children from starving.

But while there is no risk of that, I think they feel they might as well do the travelling as hand over their money for me to do it. After all, I probably have many more years left to do it in than they do.

And I think it is wise for anyone to save money for their old age because you don't know what might happen. It is all very well to say you'll look after them, but they may need specialist nursing that you simply cannot provide. Or specialist equipment.

My MIL is a very sprightly and independent 82yo- but she has recently become totally paralysed from the waist downwards. This means quite a bit of expensive equipment to enable her to function without a 24hr carer (frankly, it would even with a 24 hr carer as she is a sturdily built woman).

And this is a woman who still has all her marbles and a remarkable amount of courage. If she went senile or developed Alzheimers or had a bad stroke, she would need a lot more care, some of which you might not be able to provide.

I would tell them to hang onto any assets they have.

Fennel · 29/10/2008 10:51

Actually, though I wouldn't expect my parents or dp's to sell up to release money to us, I do think I might do that for my children if they were struggling to afford housing and I had a big house.

I think that overall there's unfairness in the housing market and our parents' generation does, often, have a lot of housing equity which they inherited, while young adults and families really struggle to get decent housing.

so though I wouldn't force it on old people, I think it's not such an unreasonable thing to do. especially in cases where the older generation has lots of money and assets through inheritance/housing market luck.

OrmIrian · 29/10/2008 11:13

darkpunk - I confess to similar feelings. My parents live in a lovely house which is too big for them and a mahoosive garden which they are beginning to struggle to look after. But the difference is they love it there. And when they do leave they may need residential care which will swallow up a lot of the equity anyway. So I have accepted that in the end I might not see much of it whatever my mum says. I would like them to sell it, share the equity between DB and I, so that we can but a house with an annexe for them to stay in when I can keep an eye on them as they get older and frailer. But I haven't dared suggest it and probably won't.

I don't know how old your parents are, but there does come a point when hanging on to the old home is important because they feel that when they don't they are beginning to give up . I get the feeling that is how my parents feel. Abotu 10 years ago they were seriously talking about moving but now, in their late 70s I think it's too late.

GooseyLoosey · 29/10/2008 12:10

OrmIrian - never too late to move. My grandmother moved hundreds of miles several years ago aged 88. She is still going strong!

Original poster

darkpunk · 29/10/2008 12:22

ormirian..yes, they have been in the house for over 50 years.. the house holds so many wonderful memories (i was born there) so i know how big a struggle it would be to move, possilbly impossible?....however, they are both almost 80..have no family or friends living in the area anymore..(the area isn't brilliant)...and as morbid as this may sound..one of my parents will die first and i will have my mum (or dad) living with me anyway...so i'm just trying to get them near me now..

OP posts:

Rindercella · 29/10/2008 12:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

darkpunk · 29/10/2008 12:31

would he do it for £10,000 cash?

OP posts:

Rindercella · 29/10/2008 13:02

ROFL. He's good and reasonable but not fecking stupid!!! Oh, I know, there was a thread a month or so ago where a nutter woman posted for some advice on a neighbour dispute. Think she reckoned she was getting an extension done for about £2k iirc. PMSL!!

Original poster

darkpunk · 29/10/2008 13:10

yeah pmsl..we've been quoted between £30,000 & £35,000...

OP posts:

Winebeforepearls · 29/10/2008 13:19

darkpunk, I think YABU to expect the money. And my grandparents recently moved to France aged 89 and 90, so don't write yours off too soon.

Original poster

darkpunk · 29/10/2008 15:34

i'm not writting them off..i hope they live to be 100!...and anyway, i really like living the poor bohemian life.

OP posts:

harleyd · 29/10/2008 15:36

couldnt your dh build it himself

Rindercella · 29/10/2008 16:11

Seriously, how many quotes have you had for the extension Daftpunk? We had several, ranging from £14k - more than £40k. Definitely worth shopping around and actually I think Harley has touched on something there - maybe not get your DH to actually build the whole thing himself, but there are bound to be things you could do to bring the costs down.

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