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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want my parents to sell their big house so they can give me some money to build an extension

106 replies

darkpunk · 28/10/2008 18:59

their house is too big...my house is too small...my mum is always complaining about the up-keep. they live in an inner-london (trendy middle-class) dump, crime is so bad they are scared to go out after mid-day.

if they sold, they could move near me, much nicer area, and i could see them everyday...plus i could build the extension that i need now.

i think it's a perfect solution....well, 99% of me does.

OP posts:

motherinferior · 28/10/2008 20:52

Do you know, one of the really not very many things I admire about my father is his attitude to have rather a lot of good holidays before he and my mum get too doddery to enjoy them. They're in their mid-70s and still going strong.

Mind you, I absolutely shudder at the idea of them moving to be nearer me.

expatinscotland · 28/10/2008 20:52

i think i'd start trying to look at ways to get the extension without their help, because then it would make you happy and once they saw it up, they might change their minds.

but at any rate, you'd be enjoying the extension and if they gave you the money you could just pay off the loan for it.

life's too short otherwise.

it would just make you angry and they might not see things the same way - i know my folks are very attached to their home.

to me, it's just a house, too, but to them it's their comfort zone where they've been for 36 years.

BreevandercampLGJ · 28/10/2008 20:55

KatieDD

With respect that is a not how I see it.

I am in my very late 30s, ok ok I am 44, I am adult enough to run my own life, my own family, my own mortgage.

Why should I need my parents hard earned cash ??

If when they are gone there is a house to be divided fine, if there isn't also fine. Their life, their choices

I find this over providing for your children from the grave attitude baffling to say the least.

Probably an explanation of the me me me entitled society we find ourselves in.

expatinscotland · 28/10/2008 20:58

'I find this over providing for your children from the grave attitude baffling to say the least.'

I agree, Bree.

My parents do have a good life and are very, erm, comfortable.

They do share with us. They provide the girls with many lovely things and are very generous with us.

But we do not ask for it and say thanks for what is freely given.

Because it is theirs and we (my sister and I) did not earn it.

My father's life was hard and he was very poor in his youth.

We don't like to think of when they will move on from this life because we'd rather have them around for as long as possible than a penny of their money.

Carmenere · 28/10/2008 20:58

My parents are at this very minute spending all their money on cheap rioja and renting apartments in the south of spain, as they do every winter. They might leave a bit when they go, I'm certainly not banking on it, I have 4 siblings so it will be a pittance whne it is divided anyhow. I am just very happy indeed that they are enjoying life.

expatinscotland · 28/10/2008 21:00

If I were in their position, perhaps I would make different choices with regards to my children.

BUT I'm not in their position, so it's left for me to live life as it comes to us.

It's better that way, then, if you do come into a windfall/inheritance, it's a nice surprise!

bootlegger · 28/10/2008 21:01

I really want an extension too, but I have the opposite problem: my 'rents are seriously talking about selling up and combining our cash to buy one big property.

I'm tempted, but it would have to be a mahoosive mansion complete with separate wings cos - as much as I love 'em - we would all throttle each other within a month if confined to close quarters...

Original poster

darkpunk · 28/10/2008 21:01

expat...about the other week..what i said......i'm sorry..

fwiw, i felt like a complete prick as soon as i said it...and no doubt looked it..

OP posts:

twinsetandpearls · 28/10/2008 21:04

KatieDD I was being flippant and of course I would like to help my dd although to be honest I am sure she will not need it I have every faith that she will be much more successful in life than I have been or ever will be. But I hope to god she never expects it and never expects me to sell my home to fund her conservatory.

If she wants something in life I hope she works hard for it just as I have had to.

WinkyWinkola · 28/10/2008 21:04

My DH thinks it's his place to to tell his parents what's best for them too.

I would just let your parents make their own choices in their adult lives without feeling beholden to their adult children.

expatinscotland · 28/10/2008 21:04

not to worry, DP.

have you thought about some way to fund the extension on your own?

i don't think i'd suggest flogging their house.

they might feel really hurt.

i know my dad would. he'd never let it show, he's a very proud man who'd give us the shirt off his back.

if we asked.

that's why we never would.

KatieDD · 28/10/2008 21:05

Bree I appreciate that might not be how people see it but for generations the wealthy pass that wealth down and ensure that the family home was kept in the family, the family business kept running and the money put to good use.
If you want to blow your cash on loose women and rock and roll obviously that is your choice but it is not the way to secure your families long term future and by that I mean your Grandchildren's children, who are important to me.
I personally am damned if I will reach the end of my life and have nothing to show for it but an extended house.

Original poster

darkpunk · 28/10/2008 21:06

well, we have had quotes...£35,000 appx..just can't raise that atm.

OP posts:

wannaBe · 28/10/2008 21:08

"i'd rather sell up and let my kids have their inheritance while i'm alive to see them
enjoy it." But it's not your inheritance - it's their money.

I am very at this idea that we should feel the need to leave something behind for our children.

I think that while our children are still dependent on us then of course we have a duty to see they're alright. But once they leave home our financial obligation to them ceases, surely?

it baffles me this sense of entitlement.

expatinscotland · 28/10/2008 21:11

how about moving to a larger property? perhaps that might be more feasible than an extension?

SalLikesCoffee · 28/10/2008 21:13

My parents taught us good values and the importance of hard work. That's all that parents owe their children. We owe them respect and appreciation in return.

Money shouldn't be important.

hatrickortreat · 28/10/2008 21:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Carmenere · 28/10/2008 21:18

I do think that it is a good thing for wealthy parents to give their adult dc's money to help them on in life but I certainly don't think that ANY parent should do without or feel obliged to give cash to perfectly capable adults.

Quattrocento · 28/10/2008 21:20

Ah, the old

...spending the inheritance before I have inherited ... thing

It's much better for you not to do this, I think. You'll end up meddling with your parents lives just to get your hands on an extension. Of course they may not even want to do the King Lear thing. And who could blame them?

If you want an extension, why not earn the money for it yourself?

SalLikesCoffee · 28/10/2008 21:27

OP - just realised my last post might sound really rude. I apologise, as I don't mean to imply you don't have the same values. I meant to say that, even if it would happen that I don't inherit anything, it wouldn't matter as the most important areas are covered.

mumeeee · 28/10/2008 21:56

YABU. They should do what they want.

noonki · 28/10/2008 22:09

I too want my parents to sell their big house (in Oxford no less) and to .....

enjoy themselves

MrsGhost · 28/10/2008 22:21

Daftpunk ... who the hell do you think you are, if you was my daughter I would be tempted to break the habit of a life time and give you a smacked arse

ninedragons · 29/10/2008 03:04

IME, 80% of people who think they need an extension or a bigger house would be absolutely fine with their space if they had an utterly ruthless campaign to get rid of clutter.

Go minimalist; it's cheaper and you won't have to look to anyone else to fund it.

Afraid you are being unreasonable. I'm surprised you haven't had more of a pasting, to be honest.

mm22bys · 29/10/2008 07:07

YABU, even though they are your parents it's none of your business.

You're an adult, if you want an extension you pay for it yourself and don't use your parents as a crutch, or do what others have said and declutter.

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