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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fuming at the cheek?

82 replies

LolaTheShowgirl · 26/10/2008 20:45

I work all hours I am able (10+ hours overtimne most weeks) for a meeny wage and to afford to live in a grimy room in a hostel. When I visited home my mother was on about how little cash she has since she gave up work. She went on and on so eventually I insisted she have £40 ontop of the £20 that I happily let her have to pay bills. I told her the £40 has got to last her and her husband the week. He works but sends all his money home to his family who live abroad. This isn't my mothers fault so that is why I gave her the money. Then today while I was looking for something, I came across the statement from the catalogue she has and I noticed she has bought a £700 laptop for her husband. I am really pissed off because while she is complaining to me and taking my money (which is meant for my holiday funds - to freaking Blackpool ffs!!!) Ok, I offered, but still, she is buying ridiculously priced fking gifts for that wanker. Oh tell me to get a life, please do but I am so pissed right now!

OP posts:
Original poster
LolaTheShowgirl · 26/10/2008 20:47

p.s. I still pay her £80 board lodgings because I know she couldn't pay her bills without it.

OP posts:
PeaMcLean · 26/10/2008 20:48

YANBU.

Is she building up a lot of debts? Is she coping? I just wonder if there's more to it than one laptop. Hope not, for your sake.

NoBiggy · 26/10/2008 20:48

Well, at least you'll know better next time.

MsHighwater · 26/10/2008 20:49

Isn't your Mum her husband's family, too? He is BU if he really is sending all his money overseas.

Assuming you can let your mum know you saw the statement I'd say you are within your rights to confront her about it. Then don't lend to her again.

Cupofteaplease · 26/10/2008 20:51

Stop giving her the £80, then he will have to fork out towards her bills. He lives with her after all! Why on earth is she funding him if he is sending all of his money elsewhere?

If she is happy to do this, fine. But she shouldn't come crying to you for cash.

Also, without being harsh, you are not helping her situation in the long run by giving her cash, she needs to be firmer with her dh

Lizzylou · 26/10/2008 20:52

Stop paying money to your Mom, she isn'y your responsibility.
Look out for yourself, sorry but she's taking the pee

StewieGriffinsMom · 26/10/2008 20:52

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CapnJadetheKnife · 26/10/2008 20:52

stop giving her more money.

She is an adult and if her dh is sending all her money abroad then they need to deal with it. You shouldn't be giving them money. It is her issue and one she needs to deal with.

Your mother relies on you alot - from what I've read previously it seems that she is the child and you are the parent and that you feel responsible for her.

You may have left now, but you are still taking responsibility for her.

I would stop giving her the money (all of it - if she can't pay her bills then her husband shouldn't be sending all of their money abroad and tehy need to sort that out) and use it for councelling for you.

They need to take responsibility for themselves and won't ever while you are around picking up the pieces.

Well done for moving out btw.

lulumama · 26/10/2008 20:52

lola

how many more times are you going to post and complain about your mum and her husband . same old same old same old

sorry to be hardfaced, but you have been doing this for a year or more now

why in gods name are you paying your mum money when you don;t live there?

why are you giving her more ?

she is not taking your money, you are GIVING it

have you ever considered cutting ties with her>
it seems she makes you thoroughly miserable all the time

you either have to accept how she is, and accept the fact she will take as much as you give and more besides, or you stop giving.

look, i am a nice person, but i feel like shaking you !! you are a young woman with no responsibilities, no ties, you can go where you please, and do what you want, yet you are perpetually stuck in this nasty cycle with your mother, that does you no bloody good

not your fault your mum gave up work

not your fault her DH spends all his money

not your fault she ordered a £700 lap top

take some control and stop giving in !

you are being unreasonable, because you are still choosing to give in to her demands, after all the upset and heartache she has given you in the past

sorry lola, but you are the author of your own misfortune in this situation

and sorry again for being hardfaced, but you really need to take this on board IMO

Crocodilius · 26/10/2008 20:55

Lola - i'm confused.
have you finally moved out of your mum's house?
if so, well done - i know it was a big step.
but why the hell are you still paying board to your mother?

why can't your mother work?
it should be her DH that is working 10 hours a week overtime if they need more income - not you!

StewieGriffinsMom · 26/10/2008 20:57

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Message withdrawn

Original poster
LolaTheShowgirl · 26/10/2008 20:58

He gives her £100 per week (supposedly) then sends the rest home but he insists he has the brand foods, coca cola, expensive meat, brand crisps etc. He also talks about buying the latest phone etc while my mum is so obviously finding it impossible to find her next penny. She doesn't really seem to be looking for a job neither while I work my butt off. She was only telling me the other day she doesn't have a clue what to buy him for christmas and she never mentioned the laptop! I bought myself a £20 dvd the other day and felt bloody guilty for it knowing my mothers in such financial difficulties and she saw me sit there and cry because i'm worried how she'll cope paying for everything, which is making me even more angry! I just realised that you can pay a bit (like £10) weekly on catalogue items and that may be what she is doing but it isn't making me less angry really.

OP posts:
Crocodilius · 26/10/2008 20:59

Lola, honestly, save up a bit of money and bugger off around the world for a year or something.

Your mother seems to control your life.

Seize the opportunity to have some fun whilst you're young and without responsibilities.

themoon666 · 26/10/2008 21:00

If you have moved out, why are you paying her??

lou33 · 26/10/2008 21:02

just stop giving her money.... sorted

i think lulu has a very good point really

CapnJadetheKnife · 26/10/2008 21:02

don't give her money - spend it on councelling for yourself to get out of this responsibility you feel about her actions.

She is an adult. It is up to her and her husband whether they spend their money on bills or not.

They're never going to if they know they can get money out of you instead.

You are young, with no ties, you should be free.

GET OUT.

RubyShivers · 26/10/2008 21:02

what lulu said

please read, re-read and and digest that post

i know Lulu and it is well meant - listen to her

Original poster
LolaTheShowgirl · 26/10/2008 21:03

I can't cut ties, she is my mother and I have to be there for her. I give her the money because otherwise she will get more into debt on her card and he wont help her so someone has to.

OP posts:
RubyShivers · 26/10/2008 21:05

The debt is your mother's responsibility not yours

she is an adult

she has to deal with the consequences

you don't like her DH do you?

CapnJadetheKnife · 26/10/2008 21:05

she is an adult she can sort this out herself.

HOw much is she there for you? Seriously?

FAQ · 26/10/2008 21:06

agree with Lulu - have you sat down and worked out how much the regular £20 a week works out at a year??

£1040!!! Think about it - what could you do with that money - never mind a holiday to Blackpool.........

PortofinoPumpkin · 26/10/2008 21:06

Sorry - she is a grown up. You do not live there. You need to look after yourself. End of.

Original poster
LolaTheShowgirl · 26/10/2008 21:06

I actually wish that one day he will go to bed and not wake up because that is the only way my mother would ever get rid of the creep and become her own, independent person again and that is how much I hate him. It would break my mothers heart if I never spoke to her again. She phones to see how I am all the time.

OP posts:
FAQ · 26/10/2008 21:07

Lola - why should YOU be there for her if she's (very obviously) not there for you???

PeaMcLean · 26/10/2008 21:07

Lola, she'll get into more debt on her card whether you help her or not. She's just taking everything you have.

I know she's your mother and you presumably deep down love her, but you're doing her no favours by treating her like this. She needs to stand on her own two feet.