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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fuming at the cheek?

82 replies

LolaTheShowgirl · 26/10/2008 20:45

I work all hours I am able (10+ hours overtimne most weeks) for a meeny wage and to afford to live in a grimy room in a hostel. When I visited home my mother was on about how little cash she has since she gave up work. She went on and on so eventually I insisted she have £40 ontop of the £20 that I happily let her have to pay bills. I told her the £40 has got to last her and her husband the week. He works but sends all his money home to his family who live abroad. This isn't my mothers fault so that is why I gave her the money. Then today while I was looking for something, I came across the statement from the catalogue she has and I noticed she has bought a £700 laptop for her husband. I am really pissed off because while she is complaining to me and taking my money (which is meant for my holiday funds - to freaking Blackpool ffs!!!) Ok, I offered, but still, she is buying ridiculously priced fking gifts for that wanker. Oh tell me to get a life, please do but I am so pissed right now!

OP posts:
RubyShivers · 26/10/2008 21:07

that is a terrible thing to say Lola

as i said in my first post, read, and re-read Lulu's post

you enable your mother's behaviour to a huge degree

Original poster
LolaTheShowgirl · 26/10/2008 21:08

You're all right but what do I do to cut ties? Just collect the rest of my belongings at her house and then not answer her calls?

OP posts:
lulumama · 26/10/2008 21:08

honey, she is your mother and you love her, but she is bleeding you dry.

what does she give to you?

it is not your responsibility to keep her afloat and out of debt.

families help each other, Ruby,my lovely sister helped me out of a sticky patch recently, and I would do the same for her. but not every week, or every month.

an emergency bail out is one thing, subsidising her and her DHs lifestyle that they cannot afford, at your own expense, is quite another

when will it end?

you can love your mum and support her, without giving her money. you cannot afford to support two households

the longer you support her, the more chance it gives her DH to keep doing what he is doing

you need to start with some tough love

lou33 · 26/10/2008 21:08

you can cut ties, she is your mother but you cant choose your family

giving her money will not help her with solving her financial situation, but it will mean she will know you are there to bail her out , and stop her from addressing her debts

why not stop giving her the money and instead help her budget and sort out her debt prroblem?

she has a husband , you should not be subsidising her life if he has money but is not giving enough over

StewieGriffinsMom · 26/10/2008 21:08

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Message withdrawn

FAQ · 26/10/2008 21:08

so - she phones you to see how you are?

Or is it to make you think that she's there for you, when infact she just wants YOUR hard earned money?

Original poster
LolaTheShowgirl · 26/10/2008 21:09

I know Ruby but he is a very nasty piece of work and has all my family thinking he is lovely. They don't see the real him.

OP posts:
sweetgrapes · 26/10/2008 21:09

well then, let her get into trouble and ask for help. Then maybe, just maybe, it'll be appreciated.

lulumama · 26/10/2008 21:09

if you wish him dead, then you need to stop supporting him financially, beacsue that is basically what you are doing by giving your mum money !!

even if he dropped dead tomorrow, whos to say she would not get it together with anotehr man

if she loves you, she will stop leeching off you

but you are, as ruby said, enabling her

RubyShivers · 26/10/2008 21:11

even so, your mum is with him

and you are burning up energy hating him - put that into your own life!

Original poster
LolaTheShowgirl · 26/10/2008 21:12

But was IBU about the laptop even if it's paid for weekly?

OP posts:
Original poster
LolaTheShowgirl · 26/10/2008 21:12

But was IBU about the laptop even if it's paid for weekly?

OP posts:
CapnJadetheKnife · 26/10/2008 21:13

You don't have to cut off contact with her if you really don't want to. But you need to stop taking responsibility for her.

She is in charge of her own life and by making you responsible for hers as well she is controlling your life.

The first step would be to stop giving her money.

Think about it - what kind of parent would force their child into working overtime to pay for their lifestyle while they sit at home?

lulumama · 26/10/2008 21:14

if she is paying weekly, god knows what the interest is? catalogues usually very high,no?

agree with captainjake

sounds like your mother coudl not afford to give up work, but is sitting at home, happily taking money from you

why not suggest she gets herself a job?

StewieGriffinsMom · 26/10/2008 21:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Lizzylou · 26/10/2008 21:14

YANBU about the laptop, ordering something which costs £700 (however you are paying for it) whilst accepting top ups from your daughter who left due to the man you married and who is now supporting herself and you, is pretty low imo.

CapnJadetheKnife · 26/10/2008 21:17

Lola how old ar eyou? Am I right in thinking early 20s?

Why not as others have suggested look at taking a job that takes you abroad for a year or doing something you really desire.

You are young, you are free.

What would you really like to do?

You can still be in contact by phone/email etc, but put yourself first.

lulumama · 26/10/2008 21:20

can i be really blunt , lola, and ask if you really intend to do anything about this situation?

you have posted many times about this, and yet the same issues keep recurring

can i suggest some sort of counselling or therapy, to help you feel strong enough to rebuff your mother's requests for money and to help you move forward with your life

you are in an enviable position ,IMO, no children, no ties, no mortgage, you can hop on a plane tomorrow and go wherever you like

or you can keep doing this, and wake up another 10 years down the line, in a one room bedsit, still subsidising your mother, hating her, her DH and yourself even more.

FAQ · 26/10/2008 21:20

lulu - yes catalogues very high - I have a littlewoods account APR is 32.9% .

However I'm savvy and buy things and pay for them within the 80 day interest free time (rather than saving for 3 months to get something I want - as sods law will dictate I'll spend the money on something else lol - I use the money I would have saved to pay it off (if that makes sense).

I can tell you for a balance of c£500 the *minimum" payment is £7 a month......(hasten to add I pay the higher interest free payments lol)

PoppyCock · 26/10/2008 21:23

is thiss person really for real?

lulumama · 26/10/2008 21:23

that is v v v high

but you are using the catalogue the right way if you are paying it off within the interest free time

sweetgrapes · 26/10/2008 21:25

UANBU.

Original poster
LolaTheShowgirl · 26/10/2008 21:26

thanks for your replies. she usually calls just after 10pm so i'm going say i've been making lists for christmas presents and oh, how it's so expensive I don't know how i'll manage and then casually ask if she's started her christmas shopping yet.

i've told her to get a job (reply: ""I enjoy being at home and going to let him (DH) pay for me as long as possible just like I supported him)"" but he's not supporting you well enough ffs I want to scream in her face. I even offered to look online with her and every vacancy I tell her about is replied with an excuse. I even said I will go with her on my day off to get her signed on for JSA but she said she can't be bothered attending the fortnighly sessions.

I know i'm feeding her by giving her the money but I hate to see her fall into debt. She asked for the initial £20 to cover the catalogue statement...fcking silly me thought it was for things she bought ages ago! Then she went on about that her DH gives her money but it runs out so quickly and she feels bad spending any of it on herself but he didn't resist when she bought him 2 cars, numerous flights back home complete with spendng money and all his bits and bats like toiletries etc and eid presents for HIS family. I thought I was being generous and really helping her by offering her the £40 to buy herself groceries through the week til he gets his wage as she said.

OP posts:
FAQ · 26/10/2008 21:27

yes it's very high - hence the reason every purchase is made at a carefully calculated time of the month (as most of my money coming in comes in either weekly or every 4 weeks) to make sure that I can get the payments in within the 80 day period.

I have gradually lengthening of stuff I want to get (mostly total luxuries - although my boots shot to the top of the list last month as a necessity lol) I've worked it out (nearly) to the penny how much I can afford to spend per month........unfortunately next item on the list will have to wait until December as it's more expensive

I really do feel sorry for those on low incomes who don't budget their catalogue purchases into their monthly outgoings, instead using the ludicrously high "minimum" payments........I daren't even sit down and think about how long it would take to pay my balance off (and how much interest I would pay!!!!) if I only paid the lowest amount.

lulumama · 26/10/2008 21:28

sorry lola, enough is enough ! he is not supporting her, you are too! and if she can;t be arsed to get a job that is NOT YOUR PROBLEM!

she is happy to see you on your uppers, so she can sit on her backside

jsut stop it! it is not even like you are getting any pleasure out of supporting her