To be fuming at the cheek?

[LolaTheShowgirl]

I work all hours I am able (10+ hours overtimne most weeks) for a meeny wage and to afford to live in a grimy room in a hostel. When I visited home my mother was on about how little cash she has since she gave up work. She went on and on so eventually I insisted she have £40 ontop of the £20 that I happily let her have to pay bills. I told her the £40 has got to last her and her husband the week. He works but sends all his money home to his family who live abroad. This isn't my mothers fault so that is why I gave her the money. Then today while I was looking for something, I came across the statement from the catalogue she has and I noticed she has bought a £700 laptop for her husband. I am really pissed off because while she is complaining to me and taking my money (which is meant for my holiday funds - to freaking Blackpool ffs!!!) Ok, I offered, but still, she is buying ridiculously priced fking gifts for that wanker. Oh tell me to get a life, please do but I am so pissed right now!

I wish I could go and nanny in the USA but again, guilt of my mother not being able to handle me leaving her holds me back. Her DH has her wrapped round his little finger and my mother has me wrapped around hers. I know this but just the guilt won't let me live my life.

Lola have you read toxic parents? I think it might help you a bit.

Yes she is PoppyCock

so you are going to live in misery, so your mother is happy? what kind of trade off is that?

did you see my earlier post re counselling?

you want to nanny in the USA then start finding out the details.

Even if for a few months and not a full year.

Your mother will be able to contact you by phone, email, skype even.

Is your mother happy? I am guessing not. Think of it this way. By giving her money you are continuing this unhappy life for her. By not giving her money you are forcing her to confront that and take steps to make her life happier.

That's the way I started thinking about it when realising how bad my mum's behaviour was.

Lola - there has been some great advice here on this thread for you, please take it, you sound dreadfully unhappy.

Thanks lulumama, I do listen to you but find it so difficult putting your advice into practice. Counselling sounds ok but what do I say to the counsellor? I wish I could just pack up my life without anyone I know in RL in it (because 90% of them are after something really although not so much as these two) and go to a different country, different job and find a whole new set of nice, caring people.

Go to your drs tomorrow and ask for councelling. Just start by telling the councellor what you have said on here.

Then investigate working abroad.

You want to do it.

Don't let it stop you.

WIth communicatino these days then it's not as if you are dropping out of your mother's life completely.

You can always come back if you don't like it.

Your charity of £80 a week means HE eats better. It enables him to be a twat & what kind of mother bleeds her own daughter dry?

It doesn't stop them being in an financial hole if he diverts his money abroad.

It does mean YOU suffer. Your future is blighted by him. Are you going to allow that? What chance have you got for marriage, home, child of your own? No way. That cannot be right.

Cut loose.

i just don't understand this one. why isn't lola getting that she's funding her stepfather's life?

is there a baby in the mix, btw?

"but what do I say to the counsellor?"

You don't need to prepare anything. The counsellor will just ask lots of questions and help you to explain things. It can work though.

Sorry but I think you have to cut yourself off from her, financially if not emotionally. Physical distance may be helpful to do so. It is holding you back, and guilt is no basis for any relationship. She is either more naive, and therefore prone to exploitation by her dh, or more conniving than you are able to see atm . Whichever is nearer the mark, she has chosen her husband over you so many times that experience should prevent you giving her any money for whatever purpose she claims as you knwo what will happen and how that makes and how angry it makes you.

Why should you give her money for bills if you don't live with them any more. She needs to face her own debts and you giving her money will not help. If you don't keep subsidising a lifestyle they cannot afford sooner or later they will have to face reality. Chances are what you know about and "help" with is only the tip of the iceberg anyway.

Oh god Lola. It is very unhealthy for your mother to rely on you this way. My mother didn't rely on me financially, but she was an emotional drain and I spent many years putting my life on hold whilst I ran around pandering to her needs and whims.

I have no doubt that the GUILT you feel has been manufactured for you by your mum as a means of controlling you. My mum was very good at this, very subtle. I didn't dare not be there for her. I put her ahead of everything.

Please, please, please, please, listen to what people are telling you on here.

Well today the tables have turned. I confronted her and asked her about the laptop (please see start of thread for details about the laptop which was what started my anger) and it turns out that he has actually ordered it for him self which has just made my rage even worse. I calmly asked my mother why he was buying himself such luxuries when he knows she doesn't have a penny and she's absolutely broke. I said he was so selfish and she said that, no I was selfish for denying him a laptop so my rage really took over. She called me an evil bitch because I asked why, when she has no money to pay the bills etc and he knows it, is he ignoring this and spending his money on HIMSELF. Because it is all about HIM. I also said she was a shit mother because what kind of mother would watch her daughter cry and offer her wage because I was so worried for my mother and her finances. Then I did something terrible and told her I hated her but thing is, I think I mean it. Am I still being unreasonable now that the senario has changed slightly?

Thanks for the advice. I DO hate her. I wish she would disappear and not come back again

Lola - well done though for getting this off your chest with your mum. I know you probably feel bad for saying what you did, but surely somewhere deep down inside, there must be a sense of relief?

Don't let on to her about any overtime you do and if she makes any comments about needing money - just ignore.

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Lola, your mum is a leech. She see's you working hard all week, sits at home on her bum and does not try to get a job, then takes your hard earned cash.

Get a job in the USA. Give yourself a break from this toxic parent.

She has made it painfully clear where he loyalties lie now, which must be very hurtful even if not surprising. Please don't allow her to exploit you any longer. Move on and distance yourself from her. Invest in your own future as noone else will do it for you. What job are you doing now, as you seem to enjoy it.

well done for saying something.

i hope you can see the wood for the trees, your mum does not even appreciate what you do and thinks you are selfish!!

time to get out of there.

if you keep going back for more, she is going to keep taking more

you can stop this